Am I doing the right thing?

Macchiato

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I ran this by my friends and they think I am. One said I need to put my kids and I first the other says I'm making a huge sacrifice and wants me to make a decision I can live with and hopes that I understand what I'm doing. So my mom has arthritis pretty bad and she was in an accident not to long ago, a company car hit her, and it just aggrevated it. Now it's really hard for her to work and she's alot of pain. Her settlement which will be large isnt coming as fast as she thought and my mom's line of work as a CNA is very taxing on her body even more so as she's in her 50's.

Now I made a deal with my mom, bc as her daughter I can't stand to see her like that, that I'll pay everything (bills) or as much as my check will cover and she won't have to work. Just watch my kids and I'm okay. in my mind,heart and soul I feel alot of peace about this bc my mom has done a lot for the family and I see it as paying my mom back. My friend argues that Im getting scammed bc I've had a history of giving my mom money and lots of it. When I was in college, Id give her half my refund to help her and the family, gave my mom 25k my grandmother left me I wa sso young i didn't fully understand the gravity of what i was doing-there's more instances but it would take up the whole post and no I don't get paid back.

I just feel this situation is different. My mom , her body is giving out and she needs me. so I don't mind.I also needed some help from my father and my brother but my dad pockets his money and isn't much help so I know I can't depend on him but my brother is only giving 500 a month bc the rest go to tithes. it bothers me bc I know I'll need help and I need my dad and bro to meet me in the middle. I did want to move out with my kids and I but I feel it's just for a shor time Im doing this hopefully. For my mom, I'll do it.

Now do you think I'm being used?

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TL; DR: Mom struggles with arthritis. Its hard for her to work. I'm going to take over paying rent and all utilties ( I don't think Id have much left for myself). Is this wrong
 

Macchiato

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My main question would be a practical one; if your mum struggles to look after your kids, what then? After all, that can be hard work too!
It would be her and my brother watching them ...with my brother helping i feel more comfortable.
 
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Macchiato

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How old is your brother, and how long will he be happy to be effectively a nanny for you?

This could be a long-term commitment, but do you have the support you need for that long term?
He's okay with it and its juat until my mom settles. I mean its me working or my mom struggling to work which she nor I want her to do.
 
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Tolworth John

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friend argues that Im getting scammed bc I've had a history of giving my mom money and lots of it. When I was in college, Id give her half my refund to help her and the family, gave my mom 25k my grandmother left me I wa sso young i didn't fully understand the gravity of what i was doing-there's more instances but it would take up the whole post and no I don't get paid back.

As you say you are gullible mark easily lead into giving with no hope of any form of pay back.

Harsh words, yes but maybe you should apply some cold hard thought to what you are doing.
Why isn't your father doing more to help support his wife?
Your brother, is he paying his fare share of the bills?
Your mother is due an insurance pay out, is she? Have you seen the documentation?
If you are paying the rent, then the home should be in your name.
How is your mother going to pay you back?

How is she financing her retirement and increasing medical costs?

If your brother won't pay his share of the rent and bills, throw him out.
Then downsize to a smaller cheaper home.

Consider whether part time work for both you and your mother might be better as it could maximise your combined income and medical cover.
Consider your mother's financial irresponsibility?
Will she keep to any agreement?
 
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Macchiato

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As you say you are gullible mark easily lead into giving with no hope of any form of pay back.

Harsh words, yes but maybe you should apply some cold hard thought to what you are doing.
Why isn't your father doing more to help support his wife?
Your brother, is he paying his fare share of the bills?
Your mother is due an insurance pay out, is she? Have you seen the documentation?
If you are paying the rent, then the home should be in your name.
How is your mother going to pay you back?

How is she financing her retirement and increasing medical costs?

If your brother won't pay his share of the rent and bills, throw him out.
Then downsize to a smaller cheaper home.

Consider whether part time work for both you and your mother might be better as it could maximise your combined income and medical cover.
Consider your mother's financial irresponsibility?
Will she keep to any agreement?

I never said i was gullible. I also know i probably wont get paid back so im just doing this from the heart. My mom ismt financially irresponsible--her checks go to bills strictly.

My dad has been like this my entire life. Hes just incredibly lazy. As for my bro i think 500 is fair.
 
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Tolworth John

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I never said i was gullible. I also know i probably wont get paid back so im just doing this from the heart. My mom ismt financially irresponsible--her checks go to bills strictly.

My dad has been like this my entire life. Hes just incredibly lazy. As for my bro i think 500 is fair.


Rather than react because of your feelings.
Analysis the financial situation.
What is the rent each month?
What is the electricity bill each month?
How much is house, contents and medical insurance each month?
What is the oil or gas bill each month?
What is the local land tax etc each month?
What is the average monthly food bill?

How much does each person in the house earn and how much do they pay?
How much should they pay?

Sit the family down and go through these figures with the bottom line of pay your share of move out.

If you are taking charge, take charge, be the parent telling the children what they have to do.
 
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Macchiato

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Rather than react because of your feelings.
Analysis the financial situation.
What is the rent each month?
What is the electricity bill each month?
How much is house, contents and medical insurance each month?
What is the oil or gas bill each month?
What is the local land tax etc each month?
What is the average monthly food bill?

How much does each person in the house earn and how much do they pay?
How much should they pay?

Sit the family down and go through these figures with the bottom line of pay your share of move out.

If you are taking charge, take charge, be the parent telling the children what they have to do.

We sat down today and went over the budget. My brother is the only one who has stable income besides my mom and he gives all his money away in tithes. My dad is very selfish and pockets his money. Hes lied before and kept money to buy himself things like a phone.My mom had a court date today to get my dad evicted but didnt go through with it. My brother hes being taken advantage of..told him this years ago but he won't wake up.

So this is what im dealing with.
 
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longwait

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I ran this by my friends and they think I am. One said I need to put my kids and I first the other says I'm making a huge sacrifice and wants me to make a decision I can live with and hopes that I understand what I'm doing. So my mom has arthritis pretty bad and she was in an accident not to long ago, a company car hit her, and it just aggrevated it. Now it's really hard for her to work and she's alot of pain. Her settlement which will be large isnt coming as fast as she thought and my mom's line of work as a CNA is very taxing on her body even more so as she's in her 50's.

Now I made a deal with my mom, bc as her daughter I can't stand to see her like that, that I'll pay everything (bills) or as much as my check will cover and she won't have to work. Just watch my kids and I'm okay. in my mind,heart and soul I feel alot of peace about this bc my mom has done a lot for the family and I see it as paying my mom back. My friend argues that Im getting scammed bc I've had a history of giving my mom money and lots of it. When I was in college, Id give her half my refund to help her and the family, gave my mom 25k my grandmother left me I wa sso young i didn't fully understand the gravity of what i was doing-there's more instances but it would take up the whole post and no I don't get paid back.

I just feel this situation is different. My mom , her body is giving out and she needs me. so I don't mind.I also needed some help from my father and my brother but my dad pockets his money and isn't much help so I know I can't depend on him but my brother is only giving 500 a month bc the rest go to tithes. it bothers me bc I know I'll need help and I need my dad and bro to meet me in the middle. I did want to move out with my kids and I but I feel it's just for a shor time Im doing this hopefully. For my mom, I'll do it.

Now do you think I'm being used?

-------------------------------------------------------

TL; DR: Mom struggles with arthritis. Its hard for her to work. I'm going to take over paying rent and all utilties ( I don't think Id have much left for myself). Is this wrong

You are the best daughter ever. God will help you out when you help others in need.
 
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longwait

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Thank you. I thought i was doing a good thing by helping my family.

From the community I'm from we are supposed to and expected to take care of our parents in their old age. If we don't, we are frowned upon. No excuses are welcome.
 
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longwait

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Thank you. I thought i was doing a good thing by helping my family.

Off course, you did.
Anyone who does not provide for their relatives, and especially for their own household, has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever. 1 Timothy 5:8
 
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Tolworth John

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My brother is the only one who has stable income besides my mom and he gives all his money away in tithes.

A tithe is one tenth of your income. He is not giving his money away in tithes. He is giving his money away.
His first responsibility is to support himself.
So he gives a tenth of his pay away, then he pays his living expenses and contributes to his savings, pension etc, then he can give more away if he so chooses.


Your father is not going to change, neither will your mother, all you can do is keep telling him what a discrace and failur he is as a man in not supporting and leading his family.
 
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Macchiato

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A tithe is one tenth of your income. He is not giving his money away in tithes. He is giving his money away.
His first responsibility is to support himself.
So he gives a tenth of his pay away, then he pays his living expenses and contributes to his savings, pension etc, then he can give more away if he so chooses.


Your father is not going to change, neither will your mother, all you can do is keep telling him what a discrace and failur he is as a man in not supporting and leading his family.
Lol i think telling him he's a failure and disgrace is out of line on my end. His behavior is frustrating I know and my dad and I have gotten into screaming matches before over his treatment. I feel my mom would have to deal with my dad-- she never really let him lead as a man bc he couldnt lead. When he was allowed to lead ( he was in the military and my brother and i were babies) he let the lights go out where we then lived. This lead to years of animosity, screaming matches ect.

My brother, we were both in the same culty-ish church. I got out..he didnt. So he's still being taken advantage of. Ive talked ti him..everyone has only God can set him free but the Lord showed me why he hasnt done so just yet.
 
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Macchiato

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There's helping... and then there's enabling. With what you describe, I'm not sure that you're not contributing to a dysfunctional family system.
True. I just dont know what to do. When i do this i see myself helping my mother. After her accident she never got to rest and i feel she deserves that.
 
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Macchiato

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What do you guys think is a reasonable co tribution? I truly feel my mom deserves a break. If i work full time im gonna swing the renr which is 1400... Tjhen theres still my car note and insurwnce which is like 588 and 140.. So most of my money is leaving anyway.

Idk i dont see a way around it.
 
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mama2one

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@Macchiato

from one of your recent threads (How do you deal with a difficult father/parent?)
you described a dysfunctional family setting which your children are exposed to daily

you received advice to move out
save money you make so you can get a safe place for you & your children

please think of your young children!

your mom can still work and has years to retirement; you'll end up supporting her for 10 or more years
if anything, your mom should be helping YOU & your children to get out on your own
 
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Macchiato

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@Macchiato

from one of your recent threads (How do you deal with a difficult father/parent?)
you described a dysfunctional family setting which your children are exposed to daily

you received advice to move out
save money you make so you can get a safe place for you & your children

please think of your young children!

your mom can still work and has years to retirement; you'll end up supporting her for 10 or more years
if anything, your mom should be helping YOU & your children to get out on your own

I hear what youre saying and i do agree my mom should help my kids and I move. Thats the thing i cant really save bc my mom would need help.. I gave 500ish and 150 I never got back. Theres always that thin line of simce i live here i need to contribute but how much? Also ive tried to move and so many wrenches got thrown in my way. I agree my mom should help but it just doesnt go that way. Id also need a lot of help getting on my feet that i dont thinm anyone would help me with. Like daycare ect

Also in that thread i described how i tried to move out and that sec 8 and other housing applications arent open or are on a long wait list..
 
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