Wife stealing, advice.

Ramon said:

I'm not sure if I'm blowing this out of proportion, maybe I am but at this moment in time I don't feel that way.



Thanks in advance/.

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I agree with what this person said:

plain jayne said:

If you consider it "your" money and you think she is "stealing from me" - then why aren't you handling your own finances? Is she just your financial secretary? You haven't ask to see a bank statement in a YEAR?!?

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plain jayne said:

My advice? Since you think you are being stolen from and that it's "your money" - take the checkbook and all banking statements, debit cards, and credit cards away from her and you tend to your finances yourself. And with your not having looked at your bank statement in a year - you might need a refresher course.

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plain jayne said:

I can never find in the Bible where it says the man is the head of household. I see where is says he is the head of the wife and she should respect him and he should treat her the way Christ treated the church.

If he is the head of the household, then HE should be doing all the finances and the cooking and the cleaning.

Besides he hadn't looked at his own finances in a year. This is his fault, too. I worked for over three decades. I knew where every cent of my money was at all times.

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Well trust plays a big part in marriage. I stand corrected on head of household however , there really is no other word to encompass the family in its entirety.

Ramon said:

So bring the income, balance the books, cook and clean while the wife is on facebook all day? your idea of a marriage is as self centered as can be, sociopathic to be more accurate. Its my fault yes, for trusting her, we forget that cause of women, sin entered the world.

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I never said she should to nothing. And you have not heard what I am saying about you.

You never looked at your finances for year. If you thought you were trusting her and could ignore your finances - that's not how it works. Trust does not mean blind trust.

My mother did all the finances while I was growing up. She wrote every checked, balanced all the books, and paid all the bills.

HOWEVER, she and my father sat down at the end of every month and reviewed everything. When it was time for a major [and sometimes a minor] purchase, they discussed it all together.

Maria Billingsley said:

In a Christian marriage I believe men are the head of the household. Nothing to do with control and everything to do with respect. She is not respectful.

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Jesus never lorded his respect from us, he gained it by loving us to the point of laying down his life, now we respect him because we are secure in his love. Not demanding respect.

Ramon said:

So bring the income, balance the books, cook and clean while the wife is on facebook all day? your idea of a marriage is as self centered as can be, sociopathic to be more accurate. Its my fault yes, for trusting her, we forget that cause of women, sin entered the world.

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How do you do marriage without trust and you're holding the sin of Eve over your wife? Now I know you are abusive.

ForHimbyHim said:

Jesus never lorded his respect from us, he gained it by loving us to the point of laying down his life, now we respect him because we are secure in his love. Not demanding respect.

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I understand everyone comes from a different perspective. Many of us have been hurt by past relationships and carry a burden. I also understand that Jesus Christ of Nazareth , God in the flesh, demanded obedience from His chosen people, Isreal. He gave them 613 laws and there were consequences when broken. The Body of Christ is also known as the Bride of Christ. The marriage between a man and a woman is a shadow of this relationship. Just as Jesus Christ of Nazareth guilds us in all truth through His Holy Spirit, so does a husband lead his wife in all truth in their marriage. If one or the other decieves it is as if apostasy has set in. Deception is a sin.
Thanks for engaging.

Ramon said:

I'm not sure if I'm blowing this out of proportion, maybe I am but at this moment in time I don't feel that way.

I'm not the one that usually checks the bank, its probably been almost a year since I looked in it. My wife knows this. Today I wanted to invest some money and wanted to check my bank and found a few western union transfers that she has been making and sending it to her family in her country. I asked her about it and she just looked at me, I told her that I wouldn't deny sending money to her family if she asked me. In my eyes she is stealing from me and stealing behind my back and keeping quiet about it.

Do you guys see it as stealing or am I blowing it out of proportion? I also have caught her in the past, long long ago doing this and I asked her to please stop and ask me, that I wouldn't deny her the money to help her family. I'm willing to bet that if I went further back in my account I would find more, I've also sent her family thousands when she asks me to help them in the past so she knows I wouldn't say no

Thanks in advance/.

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Not stealing. Before God, you and your wife are one flesh. What is yours is hers and vice versa. So, all she has done is taken money you share and not consulted you about its distribution. Why hasn't she? It sounds like she's being generous, which is always a good thing (1 John 3:17). You don't sound opposed to her generosity. Maybe she's just so used to doing the banking without your input that she doesn't think to consult you about it. In any case, don't assign evil motives to your wife, condemning her, before you've talked to her about what she's been doing with the money.

Ramon said:

We both agreed to always speak of any purchase. I am the only one that puts money in the account but she can do what ever she wants, buy what ever she wants as well. I considered it stealing and lying because it was done behind my back many times in the past.

If you were to send someone thousands of dollars behind your husbands back, you dont think he would feel something? i just dont see how that would be considered normal.

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It is certainly odd that she is not communicating with you about sending money to her family. Does she know you would object to what she's doing? Do you suspect your wife's family of taking advantage of her? Whatever the case, talking directly to your wife about the situation is vital. Don't stew and build stories in your head - often very wrong stories - about what your wife's been doing and why.

Ramon said:

It isn't about control, its about communicating our needs. She has had jobs and she used to use a lot of it to send it and i never cared about it, i still don't care, all i wanted was to stay in the loop of what happens with the money we are saving. If you think that equals to control then you sound like you shouldn't be married.

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My wife's parents immigrated from the Philippines in their early twenties. The "sending money home" thing is a VERY big deal for many Filipinos. My wife's Mom has sent many tens of thousands of dollars over the years "back home" to her relatives. Anyway, there have been times when her relatives have deceived her, claiming need that was illegitimate, clearly taking advantage of their "rich" relative. Seeing this, being objective about assessing the claim of need is always easier, when husband and wife do so together. But the lead is yours to take, Ramon. You are the God-ordained "head of the home" (Ephesians 5:22-33; 1 Timothy 3:4-5) and should not be passive about fulfilling that role, expecting your wife to initiate with you. You be the initiator, the leader, of your family, as God has called you to be. You'll head off many of these things going on in secret - or, at least, without your knowledge - if you do.

In a marriage two become one, I don’t think she’s stealing. As the son of an immigrant, I still send money home, I don’t ask permission to do so. I think it’s not that big of a deal.

If I was in your wife's position, I would definitely not send money to my family without telling my spouse, especially after we had a talk and I agreed not to do it. It's not about stealing or not stealing, it's about honesty. Is your wife a Christian? A real Christian? Does she think Christian? Does she talk Christian? Does she act Christian? Does she love you? Not just say she does but act like she does love you? Answering those questions may be a way to know is she's embarrassed and you need to work on communication or if she's taking advantage of you.

It's stealing if it is your money, and not hers. But if you co-own the money, if the account belongs to both of you, then each of you has equal access to it. Of course it is best to have some mutual understanding about your account and how you will use it. But either of you withdrawing some money from your mutual account cannot be considered stealing.

maybe you need to check the bank accounts more often then she would ask you and talk to you more about it because she would know you're likely to notice money going out.

Ramon said:

I'm not sure if I'm blowing this out of proportion, maybe I am but at this moment in time I don't feel that way.

I'm not the one that usually checks the bank, its probably been almost a year since I looked in it. My wife knows this. Today I wanted to invest some money and wanted to check my bank and found a few western union transfers that she has been making and sending it to her family in her country. I asked her about it and she just looked at me, I told her that I wouldn't deny sending money to her family if she asked me. In my eyes she is stealing from me and stealing behind my back and keeping quiet about it.

Do you guys see it as stealing or am I blowing it out of proportion? I also have caught her in the past, long long ago doing this and I asked her to please stop and ask me, that I wouldn't deny her the money to help her family. I'm willing to bet that if I went further back in my account I would find more, I've also sent her family thousands when she asks me to help them in the past so she knows I wouldn't say no

Thanks in advance/.

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You need to change the way you manage finances and pay bills. If she is left to do it alone you have limited room to complain. Not saying she should not ask first - but if you don't have at least some participation in the daily operations - you are leaving yourself only a small amount of room.

I’ve been divorced once, and in my first marriage we had a joint account. She monitored everything. On business trips she wanted my expense reports to exactly match what I spent. Money was tight at that time in my life, but it still drove me nuts, combined with the fact that she did not see debt as a problem if she wanted something.

When I got married again, I made our accounts separate. We worked out a budget where we agree on who pays for what and roughly agree to it being fair. We have our own credit cards (I trust her to pay them off each month as do I) and pay them ourselves. It is a lot less stressful when you see packages arrive at the door and I don’t worry about a new pair of shoes and she doesn’t care about something I buy for my computer.

On a big purchase like a car or a home improvement, we decide how much we both contribute to it. If she retires or something, I’d probably switch to giving her half of our excess, and still not worry about her purchases, though we’d both have to cut back in that case.

I guess my point is that you’ve described a situation where you are losing your trust in your wife, and rather than continue a perpetual source of conflict, it is better to rework the system so that you can trust again.