Wife stealing, advice.

She surely is ignoring your interests and not acting well in such matters! It may be she means well, but should be told she must be honest and forthright with her spouse, and consult her husband (and also the man to his wife). If the two cannot trust each other, the marriage will not go on well. If she resents and rejects such counsel, then the 'trust' issue ahead will not be good.

What's odd to me here is thinking of it as "stealing", as though the money belongs to one person instead of both people.

In the case of my household, my husband and I both put our paychecks into a joint checking account, and then we each draw from that joint account when we want to buy something. We agreed early on that we'd check with the other person before making a large purchase. That system has worked well for us.

Is yours a household where you work for a salary and your wife is a homemaker? In that setting, I can perhaps see the view that the household money is "his" instead of "ours". One common action that many women have taken in recent decades is to work outside the home and draw their own salary, which can then shift the feeling of who owns the money in the household.

Ramon said:

I'm not sure if I'm blowing this out of proportion, maybe I am but at this moment in time I don't feel that way.

I'm not the one that usually checks the bank, its probably been almost a year since I looked in it. My wife knows this. Today I wanted to invest some money and wanted to check my bank and found a few western union transfers that she has been making and sending it to her family in her country. I asked her about it and she just looked at me, I told her that I wouldn't deny sending money to her family if she asked me. In my eyes she is stealing from me and stealing behind my back and keeping quiet about it.

Do you guys see it as stealing or am I blowing it out of proportion? I also have caught her in the past, long long ago doing this and I asked her to please stop and ask me, that I wouldn't deny her the money to help her family. I'm willing to bet that if I went further back in my account I would find more, I've also sent her family thousands when she asks me to help them in the past so she knows I wouldn't say no

Thanks in advance/.

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What is her side of the story? Isn't your money shared between you and your wife?

It's probably been a year since I looked into it ........in my eyes she is stealing from me and stealing behind my back and keeping quiet about it.

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If you consider it "your" money and you think she is "stealing from me" - then why aren't you handling your own finances? Is she just your financial secretary? You haven't ask to see a bank statement in a YEAR?!?

My opinion? When a man and woman get married - they become one flesh and all resources belong to the two of them no matter where they come from.

Yes, she should tell you when her family needs money and the two of you should discuss it and make a joint decision. For some reason she doesn't trust you and you don't trust her. This REALLY isn't about money with either of you.

My advice? Since you think you are being stolen from and that it's "your money" - take the checkbook and all banking statements, debit cards, and credit cards away from her and you tend to your finances yourself. And with your not having looked at your bank statement in a year - you might need a refresher course.

Ramon said:

I'm not sure if I'm blowing this out of proportion, maybe I am but at this moment in time I don't feel that way.

I'm not the one that usually checks the bank, its probably been almost a year since I looked in it. My wife knows this. Today I wanted to invest some money and wanted to check my bank and found a few western union transfers that she has been making and sending it to her family in her country. I asked her about it and she just looked at me, I told her that I wouldn't deny sending money to her family if she asked me. In my eyes she is stealing from me and stealing behind my back and keeping quiet about it.

Do you guys see it as stealing or am I blowing it out of proportion? I also have caught her in the past, long long ago doing this and I asked her to please stop and ask me, that I wouldn't deny her the money to help her family. I'm willing to bet that if I went further back in my account I would find more, I've also sent her family thousands when she asks me to help them in the past so she knows I wouldn't say no

Thanks in advance/.

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Time to take control of the money. This way will require her to ask first and be kept in check so she does not fall into deception again. Be blessed.

Separate your bank accounts. You have yours, let her have another one where she will have her money and then have a third one that is common for the needs of the household.

The arrangement of things "she can do whatever she wants with the account but she must ask first" is a weird one, IMHO. She may feel its humiliating to ask for money again and again.

In my experience couples tend to handle finances differently and there is no one right or wrong way if both have discussed and decided upon how they will handle family finances. A common problem I encounter with couples is that they enter relationship without ever having discussed and agreed upon the handling of finances and the boundaries around spending and deciding. To the OP, perhaps it's time to have the discussion again or renegotiate the rules so there is a common understanding. As others have said, it might help to change the perspective or use the word "our" rather than "my."

Ramon said:

When i asked her she just stood quiet, later she said that she thought i would say no. I don't mind her sending money but at least talk to me and tell me what its for, I know that because I make the money it doesn't mean much in a marriage but i should at least have the respect to know what my money goes to.

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I find that people who grow up in the 'first world' sometimes don't realise firstly the value of family that most 'third worlders' have, and that supporting your family back home is an expectation, it's such an expectation that my husband and I include it on our monthly budget. I feel that people in the first world really don't understand just how important it is to support your family. It's shameful not to and sometimes it's not just your immediate family. There are orphaned cousins, widowed aunts and so on. If you move to the first world that expectations becomes even higher.

I have often spoken to friends of mine and they are shocked that we have to support our family back home. What I suspect is that your wife and you have spoken about family before, and maybe you may have expressed the fact that you don't feel a need to send money for such and such, or you don't need to support your family, so she feels ashamed because of this need, or she is confused as to why you are confused about the fact that she needs to support her family, for her it's a given.

To give peace to your marriage, I would actually suggest you have a monthly budget that you try work on together and make sure she has a monthly amount that she can send to family, every month or every second month. Honestly I think this will help greatly, that way you won't view your wife as 'stealing' from you.

Maria Billingsley said:

Time to take control of the money. This way will require her to ask first and be kept in check so she does not fall into deception again. Be blessed.

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She doesn't work! What you are suggesting seems to be a very controlling relationship. She is in a foreign country, has no family but her husband, is not currently working and has no access to ask every time she makes a transaction, that does not sound like a healthy relationship at all. Already OP seems kind of controlling, by calling it stealing, now you're suggesting he has further reasons to control her, terrible advice.

When she does not work and takes care of the household, then her husband is her "employer" and should send her some money for her personal use to her account, regularly.

Its very confusing to have just one bank account in which only one has the controling power and the other one must ask.

It is not stealing, but there is a communication and trust issue here that needs to be addressed. I highly recommend taking the time to pray about this before discussing it further.

Could the two of you draw up an explicit budget with regard to her family? I have in mind to sit down together at the kitchen table and talk about it: Her family feels that they need $X per month, your wife would like to send them $Y per month, and you feel like you can afford $Z per month. Talk about what realistic values for X, Y, and Z are, compromise where you need to, and decide together on how much the two of you are going to send her family. Maybe even communicate that number to her family, so that they know what level of financial support they can count on, and how much is too much to ask for.

ForHimbyHim said:

She doesn't work! What you are suggesting seems to be a very controlling relationship. She is in a foreign country, has no family but her husband, is not currently working and has no access to ask every time she makes a transaction, that does not sound like a healthy relationship at all. Already OP seems kind of controlling, by calling it stealing, now you're suggesting he has further reasons to control her, terrible advice.

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In a Christian marriage I believe men are the head of the household. Nothing to do with control and everything to do with respect. She is not respectful.

Maria Billingsley said:

In a Christian marriage I believe men are the head of the household. Nothing to do with control and everything to do with respect. She is not respectful.

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I can never find in the Bible where it says the man is the head of household. I see where is says he is the head of the wife and she should respect him and he should treat her the way Christ treated the church.

If he is the head of the household, then HE should be doing all the finances and the cooking and the cleaning.

Besides he hadn't looked at his own finances in a year. This is his fault, too. I worked for over three decades. I knew where every cent of my money was at all times.