What do I do with a spiritually abusive church?

tuliplane · May 10, 2021

Would you be able to give some examples of what the spiritual abuse was? You are not obligated to them in any way. You even said it yourself when you stated that they feel justified in their behavior...that indicates there is no room for involvement with them if they are unrepentant. Continuing a relationship with those people is perpetuating your abuse and perhaps even sending the message that what they do is okay. You need healing. There is no need to suffer self-inflicted pain by cutting your wounds even deeper through revisiting what is still painful for you. Maybe there is some chance of speaking the truth to these people and opening their eyes. Have you tried that in the past? The Bible does call us to judge our fellow Christians righteously. I think the priority for you right now is healing, even if there is a chance to be a witness to them and reconciliation to occur, now may not be the time. Your healing is important so you can help to heal others. You don't even have to keep sporadic communication with them.

Gentle Lamb · May 11, 2021

tuliplane said:
Would you be able to give some examples of what the spiritual abuse was? You are not obligated to them in any way. You even said it yourself when you stated that they feel justified in their behavior...that indicates there is no room for involvement with them if they are unrepentant. Continuing a relationship with those people is perpetuating your abuse and perhaps even sending the message that what they do is okay. You need healing. There is no need to suffer self-inflicted pain by cutting your wounds even deeper through revisiting what is still painful for you. Maybe there is some chance of speaking the truth to these people and opening their eyes. Have you tried that in the past? The Bible does call us to judge our fellow Christians righteously. I think the priority for you right now is healing, even if there is a chance to be a witness to them and reconciliation to occur, now may not be the time. Your healing is important so you can help to heal others. You don't even have to keep sporadic communication with them.

I've decided to pay them a visit as I received yet another event invitation this past Sunday. I don't want to hold on to anger/bitterness/unforgiveness, things that I recognize in myself. I want God to heal my heart of these things and I have been praying about them. I will not make this my home church ever again but maybe part of the healing process is facing what hurts in order for the healing to be made complete. These people are not my enemies though the enemy has been able to use them mightily. It's not to open myself up to abuse but to enable me to walk in forgiveness with an open heart.

CMDRExorcist · May 11, 2021

The best thing you can do is to move on and not engage with such destructive behavior. God calls us to love people, which sometimes means that we have to let them go and pray for their deliverance from the spiritual oppression that rules their lives.

tuliplane · May 11, 2021

Gentle Lamb said:
I've decided to pay them a visit as I received yet another event invitation this past Sunday. I don't want to hold on to anger/bitterness/unforgiveness, things that I recognize in myself. I want God to heal my heart of these things and I have been praying about them. I will not make this my home church ever again but maybe part of the healing process is facing what hurts in order for the healing to be made complete. These people are not my enemies though the enemy has been able to use them mightily. It's not to open myself up to abuse but to enable me to walk in forgiveness with an open heart.

Yes, I wanted to add, but forgot...that perhaps facing them is part of the healing process for you if you are able to voice to them your feelings of your treatment there. It may help you receive closure and set a good example that you want to stand up for what's right but also not harbor resentment.

Gentle Lamb · May 12, 2021

tuliplane said:
Yes, I wanted to add, but forgot...that perhaps facing them is part of the healing process for you if you are able to voice to them your feelings of your treatment there. It may help you receive closure and set a good example that you want to stand up for what's right but also not harbor resentment.

I think it is... as for voicing my feelings about the mistreatment... I did before, and so have other people, it doesn't end up going anywhere. I will just accept that they will not change but I'll do what's important on my part to have peace for the sake of God.

Norbert L · May 13, 2021

Gentle Lamb said:
Am I obligated to go and visit the church and try to make peace with them for the sake of Christ, or should I continue to avoid the location and continue my sporadic communications and continue to work on healing from the abuse? It was bad... I'm not sure of what my obligation is here as a Christian.

I had attended a rather socially minded church of 100k+ members. This predicament you're having to confront now had been experienced in significant numbers there with mixed results.

There are several ways your circumstance can play out dependent on the approach and response being made. From the litigation against a leading evangelist whereby he was found guilty, to establishing online communities that did nothing but lash out for years against the abuse (or perceived abuse) they suffered from specific pastors.

My take on the whole situation and bottom line is Philippians 3:13. I wouldn't necessarily cut off any close friendships that you made while there but also be realistic. No pastor with a legal awareness is going to apologize and acknowledge your version of events.

carolina16 · Jun 13, 2021

Gentle Lamb said:
What do I do with a church where I suffered a lot of spiritual abuse at the hands of the church leaders? Do I go back and visit? I have been praying/debating whether or not to go back and visit. I have been in touch sporadically with several of the people and some of the church leaders from the church, mainly via text or phone call. I haven't been there in years and haven't seen anyone from there in years as I've avoided going back there (Because of the spiritual abuse I suffered, I've been so wary of returning to the actual building ... traumatized). Though we don't live far apart (within about 5 miles of each other) none of the church leaders have ever reached out to me to see me personally, though they've wanted me to come to their church programs. I'm not at enmity with them but I've just been deeply hurt and they feel justified in their behavior and the way they treat people. Am I obligated to go and visit the church and try to make peace with them for the sake of Christ, or should I continue to avoid the location and continue my sporadic communications and continue to work on healing from the abuse? It was bad... I'm not sure of what my obligation is here as a Christian.

Go out from there.

Macchiato · Jun 15, 2021

atpollard said:
Go and find some place where you feel safe. (THAT church is not the place for YOU.)

Your responsibility is to let go of any anger (which it seems that you have), but there is no obligation to invite an opportunity for more abuse at some place where you do not feel loved and valued and accepted. How many churches are within a 10 minute drive of your house? Start visiting their services online and see if any of them interest you. Then pray for guidance and visit some in person (if your area is post quarantine) and see what feels like "family".

Remember, these are supposed to be your brothers and sisters in Christ, not the judges, juries and executioners of your soul.

Totally agree. I defintly sympathize with the OP I know she wans to do the right thing but some things require wisdom and discernment. When people show you who they are believe them, don't make excuses just believe them. Also some times God may give you dreams sometimes about people that may reveal more about them then they let on. Pay attention to those, the lord showed me my former pasor having a monser or something inside her and just told me to continue doing good.

Chrystal-J said:
I was in a situation at my church that finally (after years) caused me to leave and never go back. I found a new church which is so much better and I can relax and worship in peace. I wished I'd never let this situation drag out so long. My pastor was super controlling and could often be insulting. When churches closed down briefly due to covid, I left and never went back. It was the best move I ever made.

Right im glad i left when my family pointed out the odd behavior.

Pavel Mosko said:
No I don't think you should be doing any of those things. It would be one thing if you were the pastor or spiritual mentor of the pastor of this church that you left, then you would have an obligation to fix things. But if you are just a church member it is not your job to fix things. Or at least if it is your job to fix things then you should have an official title like bishop, elder, senior pastor etc. where it is understood that is your job.

But in general, it is not the role of sheep to go back to false shepherds, wolves in sheep's clothing and try to reconcile. Just be glad you made it out.

If you are feeling guilty about having feelings against the pastor, and these people etc. then I recommend you listen to this sermon and apply it.

I agree with everything you're saying. Everything. I remember when my former pastor " apologized" they did but also said--"You know how I am" which means they aren't going to change. So OP don't go back just pray for God to help you with your emotions and not to allow bitterness in your heart. It took me a minute to stop being angry and its okay were human but God helps us.

Gentle Lamb said:
Thank you Pavel, I will check this out. I am struggling with guilt. I recently read a daily devotional that says I should make peace with everyone and I am trying to apply the word of God. But I am not at enmity with these people and I have peaceably reached out to them. I am very wary of going back because the pastor and his family basically set themselves up above everyone and demand loyalty/worship and I refuse to worship anyone except the living God. They are wolves and I do not want to be devoured by them. I have anxiety thinking about visiting that church. I know if they were true brothers and sisters in Christ that out of concern for my soul they would not have driven me away from that church and they would have seen me over these years instead of just inviting me to church programs but otherwise not trying to reach out to me. Attending church programs doesn't substitute for true Christian fellowship.

Don't ever go back. don't.

Mollie1 said:
Jesus tells us to forgive others, but as I understand it this does not mean we forgive and return to the abusive situation. We forgive and move on.

yes ,yes, and yes

Gentle Lamb said:
I did find a place that was safe for a while but the sin in the place where I am now is what is driving me away from my current church (lots of adultery). I am not sure that I have anger at the people but rather at the ungodly treatment they have towards others. They treated people really badly. I forgive but I don't want to be devoured by them. I don't want to open myself up to further attack. I've been in touch with some of the people but then I wonder how sincere our relationships are since we haven't seen each other in all these years, they only were inviting me to church and never reached out to meet one on one (I had some empty invitations with no follow through). These are people that I love but I cannot condone their behavior as it is really ungodly. Ezekiel describes how the shepherds devour the sheep. It is that type of situation. I have a church I follow online.

I'm in the same situation as you. ive been church hopping looking for the perfect church home--well not perfect but right. I hope we get there. good luck OP.

Macchiato · Jun 15, 2021

To this day I still have issues on getting help for anxiety or expressing concern over my mental illness bc my former pastor basically told me not to claim anxiety and told people to stop praying for me bc of it.

Please dont return to that church it'll just multiple any issues you have.

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What do I do with a spiritually abusive church?

tuliplane

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Gentle Lamb

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CMDRExorcist

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tuliplane

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Gentle Lamb

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Norbert L

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carolina16

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