Problems in my marriage

Perhaps see a "Christian" counselor. Most churches has counselors they can recommend. Praying for you.

In the early years of my marriage, my wife and I just saw so differently on many issues. We would fight often, and I would find myself on the couch, many nights. There were times when I just wanted to exit. But I remembered the command of the LORD:

1Co 7:10-11 But to the married I give orders, though not I but the Lord, that the wife may not go away from her husband Or if she goes away from him, let her keep unmarried, or be united to her husband again; and that the husband may not go away from his wife.

I realized that God's will was for me to work on the marriage not exit it. This meant that I needed to make concessions, and do things that made for peace, even if I was not 100% happy.

Now move forward 10 years, my wife and I are happily married, and we get along well. I no longer spend time on the sofa. We have both learned to compromise, to allow each other space, and grown closer together.

We are not perfect, but we sure do have a better marriage than in the early years.

As a man, I made some wrong choices in the start of the marriage, and became very demanding when I felt my wife was not doing the "right thing". I would often get very angry in an attempt to "change my wife", but God showed me that this was wrong. I now rarely ever get angry, if at all. Know that the husband you have today may change as God works on His faults.

Stick with it, make concessions, and do your best to be happy with where it currently stands, knowing that things may well get better, as each of you learn more about the needs of the other.

Elizhum said:

I have been married 9 years this month, and we have 3 children. I have health problems, and my husband leaves me to go fishing, noodling, hunting, and etc. He would go out of town and stay overnight every weekend. He usually goes fishing with his family and friends (all men) and would leave me and my kids at home with no vehicle. He has been going fishing on the weekdays too. His life is revolved around these things to the point he has chosen it over me our entire marriage. I don't know what to do to get him to learn to be a better family man. I feel trapped to the point to where I cannot leave (I've been a stay at home mom for 7 years) him even if I wanted to. He would talk me out of leaving him (he says I've got it so good) and then leave to go fishing. He has refused to be any support to me through difficult times in my life and would blame me for everything that is going wrong in my life. He is not emotionally supportive and neither is my church family. I am so tired of living this way and I have no one to talk to. I have abandonment issues, which has sabotaged all my relationships. He tells me I shouldn't go to counseling, because God has all the answers and I know he does, but sometimes you need someone to talk to face to face.

Click to expand...

Welcome to CF. I have no advise to give you other than your children, they need you. It seems their father is absent. Time to take control of your life even if it means big changes. Be blessed.

So sorry about this going on in your life.

Urge you to watch "Marriage Today."

Their website marriagetoday.com/category/tv-episodes/ has probably 60 free episodes including "What a man really needs" and 'What a woman really needs" by Jimmy Evan's ministries. All teachings are Biblically based. Plus there's books, videos, etc. He was recently interviewed on Joni: Table Table for 4 eqisodes about his book "The Four Laws of Love." Think those can still be viewed.

There's hundreds of "Marriage Today" episodes on youtube.

Wonder how marriage was modeled by his parents?

That's what I thought - he's following his earthly father's patterns.

Jimmy Evans is the best resource I've seen. He explains what Scripture says.

Praying for you both.

Been there. I told my boyfriend we can't become engaged until he deals with his pool-hall obsession. It's all he seems to care about. He says he's going to cut back, but I'll believe it when I see it. Until then, I'm content to just going out on dates when he's not playing pool.
Praying for you!

I think it's great if you can go to a counsellor. They can help you with setting some boundaries in your marriage. Your husband has a responsibility to you and for his children, and he is not living up to that responsibility. If he is a believer, he is not living up to his Christian obligation in his relationship with you. You are letting him get away with it. A counsellor can help you figure out the boundary and how to communicate it to your husband.

You can justify a counsellor by letting your husband know that yes, God has all the answers, but sometimes we need a little help hearing the answers God intends you to have. Counsellors have a way of getting us in touch with hearing God's voice, hearing our own inner voice, and knowing how to find biblical guidelines to making life decisions.

I believe if you are able to identify a specific boundary in your marriage, and communicate it with love, that he will either respond in a way that honours you and your needs, or he will continue behaving like a single man with no responsibilities. Then you will need to stick by your boundary. A boundary might go something like this: "The children and I are feeling neglected when you spend so much time away from home and disengaged from us. This makes me want to withdraw and disengage from you because I do not feel connected. I do not want to withdraw from you and hope that you will work towards reconnecting with me and the kids." This is letting him know your feelings, letting him know what he is doing that is harming your marriage and how it is harming your marriage, what the consequences of continuing his actions will be, and what you expect as a result. You are not trying to change him, but you are letting him know that his disengagement is harming your family and that you will start withdrawing from him, which will further damage your marriage.

Behaviour influences behaviour. His behaviour influences you and yours him. You have allowed this pattern to go on for a long time, but if you want to save your marriage, it's time to change how you respond to his behaviour. If you can't go for counselling, I would recommend getting a good book on Boundaries (Cloud and Townsend is good) and reading it. Also, find ways to increase your social support network and get your children into a covid-safe play group for socialization.

Is your husband a Christian? I like fishing and hunting too, but it can be an addiction and false god, and in no way should come before family.

Elizhum said:

I have been married 9 years this month, and we have 3 children. I have health problems, and my husband leaves me to go fishing, noodling, hunting, and etc. He would go out of town and stay overnight every weekend. He usually goes fishing with his family and friends (all men) and would leave me and my kids at home with no vehicle. He has been going fishing on the weekdays too. His life is revolved around these things to the point he has chosen it over me our entire marriage. I don't know what to do to get him to learn to be a better family man. I feel trapped to the point to where I cannot leave (I've been a stay at home mom for 7 years) him even if I wanted to. He would talk me out of leaving him (he says I've got it so good) and then leave to go fishing. He has refused to be any support to me through difficult times in my life and would blame me for everything that is going wrong in my life. He is not emotionally supportive and neither is my church family. I am so tired of living this way and I have no one to talk to. I have abandonment issues, which has sabotaged all my relationships. He tells me I shouldn't go to counseling, because God has all the answers and I know he does, but sometimes you need someone to talk to face to face.

Click to expand...

Dear one,
You may have concern why my husband care more about fishing, hunting than me—despite knowing your health deteriorates. I understand you may have felt unloved and uncared for. You may have been discouraged by what has happened. You may also consider what you lack that your husband may have reacted that way; why he has not responded the way you expected.

Dear one, you need to seek release from despondency.

You must understand that God allows all of us to suffer for our bondage.
Through this breaking process He wants to strengthen the new man in us.Therefore, the best things that could happen to us is to be poor in some respect or other.

I understand you want to fix your husband but that comes later. Isn’t your husband also your brother in Christ? This is what we have heard:

Why do you see the speck that is in your brother's eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye? -Matthew 7:3

So dear one, yield to the Father’s will.
Say yes, to your own inabilities, weaknesses, poverty, and humiliation. What I mean that we need to accept our inabilities, weaknesses, poverty, and humiliation. We need to trust God, indeed, help us. Just like our Lord have trusted the Father.

Are we not hurt by our spouse - indifference, insensitivity, lack of regard, offense ? For this is what we have heard:

And being found in human form, He humbled Himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross. -Philippians 2:8

When our Lord died on a cross! Did not He died because His own didn’t receive Him?
When our Lord suffered on the cross !
Did He not humble Himself? Likewise, let us humble ourselves. Let us be obedient to the will of the Father. Pray, dear one.

Holy Spirit,
I thank you that I may await Your Help. You see my helplessness in this situation
and You want to reveal the power of Your redemption and glorify Yourself. And in my inadequacy and lack, You want to assist me and provide for me from Your abundant wisdom, so that my work as wife and mother of my children can accomplished much better than if I had had the best natural abilities, for what is achieved will come from You and not from me.”
In Jesus Name I pray. Amen

Let us follow apostle Paul’s example; this is what we have heard:
But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. -2 Corinthians 12:9
For the sake of Christ, then, I AM CONTENT WITH weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong. -2 Corinthians 12:10

Let us thanking God, and believe that you will experience His glorious power, which He will demonstrate in your inability and poverty.

Now, let us talk about your husband.

Dear one, I understand that you and your husband are church goers. What is church?

The New Testament word for "church" is ekklesia [ejkklhsiva], which means "the called out ones."

By yourself, you are the called one, but together we are called out ones. For we have been called to glory by God the Father in union with Christ to live by the Spirit.

Are we not weakened by flesh ? Yes, the Holy Spirit helps in our weakness. This is what we have heard:

Likewise the Spirit helps us in our weakness. For we do not know what to pray for as we ought, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words. -Romans 8:26

we found many in church have believed in Christ but have not obeyed what they are taught in union with Christ. Why ? They are weakened by the flesh and have not lived by the Spirit. For this is what we have heard:

For those who live according to the flesh set their MINDS on the things of the flesh, but those who live according to the Spirit set their minds on the things of the Spirit. -Romans 8:5
For to set the MIND on the flesh is death, but to set the mind on the Spirit is life and peace. -Romans 8:6
For the MIND that is set on the flesh is HOSTILE TO GOD, for it does not submit to God's law; indeed, it cannot. -Romans 8:7

Dear one,
If your husband’s mind is not on the things of the Spirit, your husband is hostile to God.

Can you do nothing about it ? No. You can. Pray on his behalf, and seek the Lord’s mercy.

So dear one, pray that he may be set free from his bondage.

Pray that you may be given the strength to pray for your husband who wronged you.

Pray that you may be given the strength to love your husband who offended you.

In this manner, you will live as God’s beloved, who obey His commandment to love one another.
This is what you can pray for your husband:

The blood of the Lamb of God set my husband free from the bondage of self righteousness.
The blood of the Lamb of God set my husband free from the bondage of self love.
Amen

Dear one, pray again and again and believe that the Lord delivers him from this bondage and brought him to sense God’s love, your love and children’s love for him.

Then your husband will be enlightened by the words of God, living no longer far from God, you and children because he knows then that it is wrong to ignore the love that God, you and children deserve.

Dear one, persevere in tribulation. Trust to yield to His will. Then, you are considered by the Lord like a treasure hidden in a field.

I was a SAHM for a long time. My husband was not considerate of my needs and treated me somewhat like a baby machine, caretaker and maid. I don’t think he realized how inconsiderate he was and my efforts to tell him were probably not done in the best manner. This seemed to be his picture of marriage. It was not my picture and I was not a happy camper and in truth he wasn’t either. He thought he had the best of both worlds; a marriage and the life a single person would lead. Truth is he was missing out on the best parts of both.

But God kept working on us. We attended Bible studies together on occasion, God sent us opportunities to talk with wise counselors and we took three steps forward and two backwards for a long time. Then we began to understand more about what a Biblical marriage was all about. God has a plan for marriage. It is each giving 60% and putting the other above your own needs. The husband is supposed to love his wife as Christ loves the church. The wife is to care for the husband, respect him and try to meet his needs. God will help us with all of this if we ask and let Him.

The book Ready to Wed helped me to understand what we should have done in preparation for marriage. We started our marriage out with the wrong picture and continued until God showed us differently. God is supposed to be the head of every marriage. The closer each of you come to God the closer you will come together. All of this is of benefit to the marriage, the spouses and the children/family. Here is also a number-855 382 5433- you can call for resources, support groups and counselors. They will give you God’s perspective in marriage. Recently, I did a study of Song of Songs. It is so beautiful as the marriage relationship and love is illustrated. When marriage is in line with God’s plan for marriage it is blessed and satisfying. You may have to be the one to hold on and discover the truth about marriage. I know from personal experience it is worth the effort and God will give you grace and mercy to see you thru this. A fulfilled marriage relationship is His desire for you, your husband and your family. God does have all the answers but sometimes He uses others and circumstances to help us to find and understand His answers. It also takes two working at it to bring the best results.

I know for me personally, through all of this my relationship to God became stronger, my prayer life increased and I am a better person; Mom, wife, friend and child of God’s for making the effort to save our marriage. It all really started with prayer and repentance for my sinful attitude and actions. For us it took me getting myself in line with what God had for me/us before it could happen for him. All praise goes to God for seeing me through and blessings us. I am praying for you, your husband and your family. God bless you.

Please dear sister Elizhum, cast your burden and your cares upon the Lord with earnest prayer. Begin to pour out your heart to God, your pains, your sorrows, your sickness and the weariness it causes you. Pour out your heart concerning your marriage and the neglect of your husband. Pray for yourself, for him and for your children. Confess scripture over your life and marriage and children. I too am ill and I hold on to the word of God, it sustains me. In the weary burdens of life, God upholds me. He can uphold and strengthen you too as you allow Him.

Elizhum said:

They tell us that we need to be obedient to them, and my father in law even told my mother in law that we should respect our husbands more and not buck them in any way but be obedient to them in everything. That they are the bosses. My husband has even told me to leave him if I wanted to, because he is going to do what he is going to do and that he does not need my approval.

Click to expand...

IMO this is toxic and the false teaching of male supremacy sometimes cloaked in some "christian" messages.

I know you said your husband is a Christian but being raised in a Christian home, going to church, working in the church, etc. doesn't mean he has been Born Again and is in a real relationship with Jesus Christ. It just means that your husband is following the "traditions" of his father. I hate to say it but you may really be married to an unsaved man. If that's the case then you're going to have to lay him on the alter, stop talking to others about him, stay in forgiveness, be that "living loving witness" to your husband and pray, pray, pray.

It won't be easy but Christ is with you and He's for you, your marriage and your family. Unfortunately what you're dealing with is more common than what you may think but with God nothing is impossible...

Elizhum said:

I have been married 9 years this month, and we have 3 children. I have health problems, and my husband leaves me to go fishing, noodling, hunting, and etc. He would go out of town and stay overnight every weekend. He usually goes fishing with his family and friends (all men) and would leave me and my kids at home with no vehicle. He has been going fishing on the weekdays too. His life is revolved around these things to the point he has chosen it over me our entire marriage. I don't know what to do to get him to learn to be a better family man. I feel trapped to the point to where I cannot leave (I've been a stay at home mom for 7 years) him even if I wanted to. He would talk me out of leaving him (he says I've got it so good) and then leave to go fishing.

Click to expand...

Does your husband know Christ as his Saviour and Lord? It doesn't sound like it. If he doesn't, the answer to your situation starts there. He needs to place his life under the loving authority of his Maker. When God is in control of your man, he will love as he ought, as God loves. Of course, the same is true of you. Are you God's child through faith in Christ as your Saviour and Lord? Have you yielded yourself to God? Are you doing so every day, giving Him constant access to your mind and heart to transform you as He will? You need to be walking with God well just as much as your husband does, finding fulfillment and peace in your heavenly Father, not in another fallible human being.

Elizhum said:

He has refused to be any support to me through difficult times in my life and would blame me for everything that is going wrong in my life. He is not emotionally supportive and neither is my church family. I am so tired of living this way and I have no one to talk to. I have abandonment issues, which has sabotaged all my relationships. He tells me I shouldn't go to counseling, because God has all the answers and I know he does, but sometimes you need someone to talk to face to face.

Click to expand...

There is nothing more sure to repel people than being desperately needy, afraid of being abandoned, and as a result, clingy and controlling and/or weak and easily manipulated. God has not made you to find your security in human relationships but in Himself. People let each other down all the time; they are selfish and fearful; they are prone to sin. God isn't. He is rock solid, never changing, never deceived, never failing in His love and faithfulness to us. And so, He tells us to anchor ourselves in Him, not in other fallible human beings.

Hebrews 4:13-16
13 And there is no creature hidden from His sight, but all things are open and laid bare to the eyes of Him with whom we have to do.
14 Therefore, since we have a great high priest who has passed through the heavens, Jesus the Son of God, let us hold fast our confession.
15 For we do not have a high priest who cannot sympathize with our weaknesses, but One who has been tempted in all things as we are, yet without sin.
16 Therefore let us draw near with confidence to the throne of grace, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need.

1 Corinthians 10:31
31 Whether, then, you eat or drink or whatever you do, do all to the glory of God.

1 Peter 5:6-7
6 Therefore humble yourselves under the mighty hand of God, that He may exalt you at the proper time,
7 casting all your anxiety on Him, because He cares for you.