What do I do with a spiritually abusive church?

Gentle Lamb · May 2, 2021

What do I do with a church where I suffered a lot of spiritual abuse at the hands of the church leaders? Do I go back and visit? I have been praying/debating whether or not to go back and visit. I have been in touch sporadically with several of the people and some of the church leaders from the church, mainly via text or phone call. I haven't been there in years and haven't seen anyone from there in years as I've avoided going back there (Because of the spiritual abuse I suffered, I've been so wary of returning to the actual building ... traumatized). Though we don't live far apart (within about 5 miles of each other) none of the church leaders have ever reached out to me to see me personally, though they've wanted me to come to their church programs. I'm not at enmity with them but I've just been deeply hurt and they feel justified in their behavior and the way they treat people. Am I obligated to go and visit the church and try to make peace with them for the sake of Christ, or should I continue to avoid the location and continue my sporadic communications and continue to work on healing from the abuse? It was bad... I'm not sure of what my obligation is here as a Christian.

pescador · May 2, 2021

Gentle Lamb said:
What do I do with a church where I suffered a lot of spiritual abuse at the hands of the church leaders? Do I go back and visit? I have been praying/debating whether or not to go back and visit. I have been in touch sporadically with several of the people and some of the church leaders from the church, mainly via text or phone call. I haven't been there in years and haven't seen anyone from there in years as I've avoided going back there (Because of the spiritual abuse I suffered, I've been so wary of returning to the actual building ... traumatized). Though we don't live far apart (within about 5 miles of each other) none of the church leaders have ever reached out to me to see me personally, though they've wanted me to come to their church programs. I'm not at enmity with them but I've just been deeply hurt and they feel justified in their behavior and the way they treat people. Am I obligated to go and visit the church and try to make peace with them for the sake of Christ, or should I continue to avoid the location and continue my sporadic communications and continue to work on healing from the abuse? It was bad... I'm not sure of what my obligation is here as a Christian.

Leave them ... permanently. There is no room for any type of abuse in Christianity.

Maria Billingsley · May 2, 2021

Gentle Lamb said:
What do I do with a church where I suffered a lot of spiritual abuse at the hands of the church leaders? Do I go back and visit? I have been praying/debating whether or not to go back and visit. I have been in touch sporadically with several of the people and some of the church leaders from the church, mainly via text or phone call. I haven't been there in years and haven't seen anyone from there in years as I've avoided going back there (Because of the spiritual abuse I suffered, I've been so wary of returning to the actual building ... traumatized). Though we don't live far apart (within about 5 miles of each other) none of the church leaders have ever reached out to me to see me personally, though they've wanted me to come to their church programs. I'm not at enmity with them but I've just been deeply hurt and they feel justified in their behavior and the way they treat people. Am I obligated to go and visit the church and try to make peace with them for the sake of Christ, or should I continue to avoid the location and continue my sporadic communications and continue to work on healing from the abuse? It was bad... I'm not sure of what my obligation is here as a Christian.

Spiritual abuse can take on many forms it can also be interpreted as such. If you can, maybe share more details? It seems you want reconciliation. Thanks for sharing. Be blessed.

Pavel Mosko · May 2, 2021

Gentle Lamb said:
What do I do with a church where I suffered a lot of spiritual abuse at the hands of the church leaders? Do I go back and visit? I have been praying/debating whether or not to go back and visit. I have been in touch sporadically with several of the people and some of the church leaders from the church, mainly via text or phone call. I haven't been there in years and haven't seen anyone from there in years as I've avoided going back there (Because of the spiritual abuse I suffered, I've been so wary of returning to the actual building ... traumatized). Though we don't live far apart (within about 5 miles of each other) none of the church leaders have ever reached out to me to see me personally, though they've wanted me to come to their church programs. I'm not at enmity with them but I've just been deeply hurt and they feel justified in their behavior and the way they treat people. Am I obligated to go and visit the church and try to make peace with them for the sake of Christ, or should I continue to avoid the location and continue my sporadic communications and continue to work on healing from the abuse? It was bad... I'm not sure of what my obligation is here as a Christian.

No I don't think you should be doing any of those things. It would be one thing if you were the pastor or spiritual mentor of the pastor of this church that you left, then you would have an obligation to fix things. But if you are just a church member it is not your job to fix things. Or at least if it is your job to fix things then you should have an official title like bishop, elder, senior pastor etc. where it is understood that is your job.

But in general, it is not the role of sheep to go back to false shepherds, wolves in sheep's clothing and try to reconcile. Just be glad you made it out.

If you are feeling guilty about having feelings against the pastor, and these people etc. then I recommend you listen to this sermon and apply it.

Gentle Lamb · May 2, 2021

@Maria Billingsley

My Pastor's daughter used to hound me, accused me of being divisive and oppositional like I wanted to divide the church, turned her parents against me with accusations and the Pastor preached against me saying that I didn't see the vision for the church. This was all because I was more into Hymns than traditional music and expressed my preference for traditional Hymns though I went along with their contemporary music. I was a fairly newly born again Christian while attending that church (they baptized me) and did not have much maturity in Christ. So things used to get to me more in terms of musical preference since I had little maturity in Christ.

Gentle Lamb · May 2, 2021

Pavel Mosko said:
No I don't think you should be doing any of those things. It would be one thing if you were the pastor or spiritual mentor of the pastor of this church that you left, then you would have an obligation to fix things. But if you are just a church member it is not your job to fix things. Or at least if it is your job to fix things then you should have an official title like bishop, elder, senior pastor etc. where it is understood that is your job.

But in general, it is not the role of sheep to go back to false shepherds, wolves in sheep's clothing and try to reconcile. Just be glad you made it out.

If you are feeling guilty about having feelings against the pastor, and these people etc. then I recommend you listen to this sermon and apply it.

Thank you Pavel, I will check this out. I am struggling with guilt. I recently read a daily devotional that says I should make peace with everyone and I am trying to apply the word of God. But I am not at enmity with these people and I have peaceably reached out to them. I am very wary of going back because the pastor and his family basically set themselves up above everyone and demand loyalty/worship and I refuse to worship anyone except the living God. They are wolves and I do not want to be devoured by them. I have anxiety thinking about visiting that church. I know if they were true brothers and sisters in Christ that out of concern for my soul they would not have driven me away from that church and they would have seen me over these years instead of just inviting me to church programs but otherwise not trying to reach out to me. Attending church programs doesn't substitute for true Christian fellowship.

com7fy8 · May 2, 2021

What I need to do about this is pray and trust God to have us do what He wants, about this.

Pray with hope for them, forgive them the way Jesus has forgiven us.

And share with people who are gentle and kind and humble Jesus people. Discover how their example helps you get more with God and loving the way Jesus wants.

GOD Shines Forth! · May 2, 2021

Gentle Lamb said:
What do I do with a church where I suffered a lot of spiritual abuse at the hands of the church leaders? Do I go back and visit? I have been praying/debating whether or not to go back and visit. I have been in touch sporadically with several of the people and some of the church leaders from the church, mainly via text or phone call. I haven't been there in years and haven't seen anyone from there in years as I've avoided going back there (Because of the spiritual abuse I suffered, I've been so wary of returning to the actual building ... traumatized). Though we don't live far apart (within about 5 miles of each other) none of the church leaders have ever reached out to me to see me personally, though they've wanted me to come to their church programs. I'm not at enmity with them but I've just been deeply hurt and they feel justified in their behavior and the way they treat people. Am I obligated to go and visit the church and try to make peace with them for the sake of Christ, or should I continue to avoid the location and continue my sporadic communications and continue to work on healing from the abuse? It was bad... I'm not sure of what my obligation is here as a Christian.

I agree with Pavel Mosko:

"No I don't think you should be doing any of those things."

I have to tell myself this periodically, for the same reasons as you.

Tolworth John · May 3, 2021

Gentle Lamb said:
I'm not sure of what my obligation is here as a Christian.

Whether it is a person or a group such as church leaders how you behave is the same.

Luke 17:3 gives the instructions.
You tell them they have offended and how. If they respond by repenting you forgive them.
If they deny it, you take it to the church leaders for them to talk to the offender.

If there is no repentance you Do Not have to manufacture feelings of forgiveness, But you hand the whole situation, what happen, who did or said what, there reaction etc and how it affected you, your feelings etc etc.
This is so God can deal with them and you.
Lastly pray for them.

As it is church leaders with no overseeing body all you can do is hand the situation over to God and to continue to pray for them.

As they see nothing wrong in there behaviour, do not attend that church.

Joy · May 3, 2021

Gentle Lamb said:
Thank you Pavel, I will check this out. I am struggling with guilt. I recently read a daily devotional that says I should make peace with everyone and I am trying to apply the word of God. But I am not at enmity with these people and I have peaceably reached out to them. I am very wary of going back because the pastor and his family basically set themselves up above everyone and demand loyalty/worship and I refuse to worship anyone except the living God. They are wolves and I do not want to be devoured by them. I have anxiety thinking about visiting that church. I know if they were true brothers and sisters in Christ that out of concern for my soul they would not have driven me away from that church and they would have seen me over these years instead of just inviting me to church programs but otherwise not trying to reach out to me. Attending church programs doesn't substitute for true Christian fellowship.

Jesus tells us to forgive others, but as I understand it this does not mean we forgive and return to the abusive situation. We forgive and move on.

com7fy8 · May 3, 2021

So, how are you doing with finding a genuine pastor?

com7fy8 · May 3, 2021

Gentle Lamb said:
none of the church leaders have ever reached out to me to see me personally, though they've wanted me to come to their church programs.

What do you mean by "programs"?

In a good church, a program can be a way to keep a person with a problem from getting isolated only with a pastor or counselor. Others in the group can help each other, as well as get help . . . if it is a program for dealing with a sin problem or another kind of personal issue. And a more social group also might not include the most mature people of the church.

So - - - at the same time, it can be good to share with mature members of the leadership. A specific group's members might be very outspoken in God's word and advice, but not mature examples.

Gentle Lamb · May 3, 2021

Pavel Mosko said:
No I don't think you should be doing any of those things. It would be one thing if you were the pastor or spiritual mentor of the pastor of this church that you left, then you would have an obligation to fix things. But if you are just a church member it is not your job to fix things. Or at least if it is your job to fix things then you should have an official title like bishop, elder, senior pastor etc. where it is understood that is your job.

But in general, it is not the role of sheep to go back to false shepherds, wolves in sheep's clothing and try to reconcile. Just be glad you made it out.

If you are feeling guilty about having feelings against the pastor, and these people etc. then I recommend you listen to this sermon and apply it.

The video helped a lot, thank you @Pavel Mosko !!

Gentle Lamb · May 3, 2021

com7fy8 said:
What do you mean by "programs"?

In a good church, a program can be a way to keep a person with a problem from getting isolated only with a pastor or counselor. Others in the group can help each other, as well as get help . . . if it is a program for dealing with a sin problem or another kind of personal issue. And a more social group also might not include the most mature people of the church.

So - - - at the same time, it can be good to share with mature members of the leadership. A specific group's members might be very outspoken in God's word and advice, but not mature examples.

Sorry for my English, I mean church functions like regular events, not like counseling programs or anything.

atpollard · May 3, 2021

Gentle Lamb said:
Thank you Pavel, I will check this out. I am struggling with guilt. I recently read a daily devotional that says I should make peace with everyone and I am trying to apply the word of God. But I am not at enmity with these people and I have peaceably reached out to them. I am very wary of going back because the pastor and his family basically set themselves up above everyone and demand loyalty/worship and I refuse to worship anyone except the living God. They are wolves and I do not want to be devoured by them. I have anxiety thinking about visiting that church. I know if they were true brothers and sisters in Christ that out of concern for my soul they would not have driven me away from that church and they would have seen me over these years instead of just inviting me to church programs but otherwise not trying to reach out to me. Attending church programs doesn't substitute for true Christian fellowship.

Go and find some place where you feel safe. (THAT church is not the place for YOU.)

Your responsibility is to let go of any anger (which it seems that you have), but there is no obligation to invite an opportunity for more abuse at some place where you do not feel loved and valued and accepted. How many churches are within a 10 minute drive of your house? Start visiting their services online and see if any of them interest you. Then pray for guidance and visit some in person (if your area is post quarantine) and see what feels like "family".

Remember, these are supposed to be your brothers and sisters in Christ, not the judges, juries and executioners of your soul.

Sketcher · May 3, 2021

Gentle Lamb said:
What do I do with a church where I suffered a lot of spiritual abuse at the hands of the church leaders? Do I go back and visit? I have been praying/debating whether or not to go back and visit. I have been in touch sporadically with several of the people and some of the church leaders from the church, mainly via text or phone call. I haven't been there in years and haven't seen anyone from there in years as I've avoided going back there (Because of the spiritual abuse I suffered, I've been so wary of returning to the actual building ... traumatized). Though we don't live far apart (within about 5 miles of each other) none of the church leaders have ever reached out to me to see me personally, though they've wanted me to come to their church programs. I'm not at enmity with them but I've just been deeply hurt and they feel justified in their behavior and the way they treat people. Am I obligated to go and visit the church and try to make peace with them for the sake of Christ, or should I continue to avoid the location and continue my sporadic communications and continue to work on healing from the abuse? It was bad... I'm not sure of what my obligation is here as a Christian.

If you go back with the intention of confronting them, be ready for a very uncomfortable boot out the door. If you no longer attend or give money, an abuser who works there will feel less beholden to you than when you were there.

If you're getting invited to things personally, you might decline until certain conditions from their side for making peace have been met. If it's not personal but you're just getting copies of things in the mail, then there's no personal connection and you probably just haven't been taken off the list yet.

Gentle Lamb said:
@Maria Billingsley

My Pastor's daughter used to hound me, accused me of being divisive and oppositional like I wanted to divide the church, turned her parents against me with accusations and the Pastor preached against me saying that I didn't see the vision for the church. This was all because I was more into Hymns than traditional music and expressed my preference for traditional Hymns though I went along with their contemporary music. I was a fairly newly born again Christian while attending that church (they baptized me) and did not have much maturity in Christ. So things used to get to me more in terms of musical preference since I had little maturity in Christ.

You should focus not on the music, but on the treatment, if any dialogue is to be engaged.

Gentle Lamb · May 3, 2021

atpollard said:
Go and find some place where you feel safe. (THAT church is not the place for YOU.)

Your responsibility is to let go of any anger (which it seems that you have), but there is no obligation to invite an opportunity for more abuse at some place where you do not feel loved and valued and accepted. How many churches are within a 10 minute drive of your house? Start visiting their services online and see if any of them interest you. Then pray for guidance and visit some in person (if your area is post quarantine) and see what feels like "family".

Remember, these are supposed to be your brothers and sisters in Christ, not the judges, juries and executioners of your soul.

I did find a place that was safe for a while but the sin in the place where I am now is what is driving me away from my current church (lots of adultery). I am not sure that I have anger at the people but rather at the ungodly treatment they have towards others. They treated people really badly. I forgive but I don't want to be devoured by them. I don't want to open myself up to further attack. I've been in touch with some of the people but then I wonder how sincere our relationships are since we haven't seen each other in all these years, they only were inviting me to church and never reached out to meet one on one (I had some empty invitations with no follow through). These are people that I love but I cannot condone their behavior as it is really ungodly. Ezekiel describes how the shepherds devour the sheep. It is that type of situation. I have a church I follow online.

Chrystal-J · May 3, 2021

I was in a situation at my church that finally (after years) caused me to leave and never go back. I found a new church which is so much better and I can relax and worship in peace. I wished I'd never let this situation drag out so long. My pastor was super controlling and could often be insulting. When churches closed down briefly due to covid, I left and never went back. It was the best move I ever made.

Gentle Lamb · May 3, 2021

Chrystal-J said:
I was in a situation at my church that finally (after years) caused me to leave and never go back. I found a new church which is so much better and I can relax and worship in peace. I wished I'd never let this situation drag out so long. My pastor was super controlling and could often be insulting. When churches closed down briefly due to covid, I left and never went back. It was the best move I ever made.

I am happy for you. A friend has been encouraging me to find a new congregation and telling me that there are better ones out there. Given what I've been through in churches all my life I'm starting to give up hope of finding a good one but you have encouraged me. God bless you.

Bob Crowley · May 6, 2021

There's bound to be a good church around somewhere. You just have to find it.

If I were you I'd give the original church the flick, and forget about them. They're not worth worrying about.

Tomorrow is the first day of the rest of your life. The past is gone.

What do I do with a spiritually abusive church?

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