Kind of a long story...but I am having a bit of a dilemma on what to do.
Over two years ago was the last time I spoke with my sister (aside from email communications last year).
She was choosing to be sexually immoral with her boyfriend and although she knew exactly where I stood on the issue, she would bring things up to me, probably to see how I would react. I would gently admonish her and tell her it was wrong, but it was as if she wanted me to change my values for her. One time she even demanded I leave her apartment because she was angry I was against that sort of living. She would also come over to my house and brag about her immorality.
It came time for her to find another place, and she had decided to move in with her boyfriend. She chose not to disclose that to me, almost wanting it to be kept secret from me, but also at the same time not completely hiding the fact since her boyfriend told my husband about their plans when he went out to dinner with them one evening. So I think it was more or less that she was ashamed of what I would think than actually keeping it a true secret. Anyway...my grandmother wanted to know if she was moving in with him, because to her it was the obvious next step my sister would take. I didn't know at the time and told her that, but later when I knew for sure, I confirmed to my grandma that she was moving in with him. This is what set off the huge fight/no contact.
My sister was so angry with me for telling her secret to my grandmother. First off, it was not a secret...they were publicly living together and had already told others about it. And second, how could I be accused of releasing a secret that was supposed to be a secret kept from me? Again, it was her shame speaking. She didn't want my Christian grandmother with traditional values to think badly of her. She even accused me of publicly talking about her "sex life", just because I confirmed to my grandmother that she was going to live with her boyfriend...seeming to think public knowledge means intimate details. She was also the same person to come into my house and proudly tell me about a sexual act she had done that I had to swiftly tell her I did not want to hear about...so if anyone is talking openly about a sex life, it is her.
My sister has a long history of manipulation, narcisstic behavior, impulsiveness, projecting her faults onto others, causing fights, belittling others, seeking out the negative in people, just toxic qualities really. She has caused so much hurt in my life that it is really nice to have a break from the drama. Me, along with my husband, brother and grandparents have tried to be there for her and help her out by supporting her spiritually, emotionally, financially, etc. (her, my brother, and I come from a rather abusive family); she fails to see what we have done for her and accuses us of trying to control her life (when it was often quite the opposite, giving her so much space and even going for long periods without visiting when she lived next door and both her and I were busy with things). I would often let the cycle keep repeating of her causing a fight, then waiting until things settled down, and continuing the relationship until it happened again. Having to cut her off, while the most extreme measure, was the only way for healing to occur. I really do love my sister and I really wish it did not have to be like this! We're missing out on life events because of all of this nonsense.
I am not sure if she is a Christian or not. I know she used to call herself one, but I don't know if she does anymore. She had concerns about her boyfriend not following God, but then quickly got over it and seemingly accepted it.
Now she is engaged and wants me to be at her wedding. I want to do the right thing. I don't want to burn an olive branch, but I don't want to send the message that I am okay with her behavior and that going will somehow make her think things can be like they once were. If she truly is Christian, and is just fallen away for some time, I don't approve of a union where she would be with someone who would hinder her faith further (again, I am not sure where she stands). The Bible has verses about dusting your feet off and moving on when you cannot get through to a person, about not associating with those who call themselves Christians and choose to live in sin, to avoid them (not just the sexual immorality, but as 2 Timothy 3 states and describes her really well, the "slanderous, without self-control, brutal, not loving good, treacherous, reckless, swollen with conceit, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God, having the appearance of godliness, but denying its power".
Do these verses indicate that I am not to associate with her, which includes going to her wedding?
I suppose the answer to this would be if she shows true repentance and change of character. She is trying to appear that she has changed (but really disproves it quickly), sends an "apology" that does not have the tone of someone repentant, along with telling me about some wrongs I have committed which were basically things she made up with examples of behavior she does to other people and said it was me. I even sent her a card and Christmas gift (before last year's email communications), to try to show her I still care, even though I have not wronged her. She returned it by mail back to me, telling me basically that I sent it out of smugness or false intentions.
To sum things up...of course I would love restored relationships, but I want to do what is RIGHT before God, which sadly sometimes means disassociating oneself from toxic people. How should I go about this? I don't want to send the wrong message of approval by going, but I don't want to do irreparable damage and possibly burn a bridge forever by not going!
Over two years ago was the last time I spoke with my sister (aside from email communications last year).
She was choosing to be sexually immoral with her boyfriend and although she knew exactly where I stood on the issue, she would bring things up to me, probably to see how I would react. I would gently admonish her and tell her it was wrong, but it was as if she wanted me to change my values for her. One time she even demanded I leave her apartment because she was angry I was against that sort of living. She would also come over to my house and brag about her immorality.
It came time for her to find another place, and she had decided to move in with her boyfriend. She chose not to disclose that to me, almost wanting it to be kept secret from me, but also at the same time not completely hiding the fact since her boyfriend told my husband about their plans when he went out to dinner with them one evening. So I think it was more or less that she was ashamed of what I would think than actually keeping it a true secret. Anyway...my grandmother wanted to know if she was moving in with him, because to her it was the obvious next step my sister would take. I didn't know at the time and told her that, but later when I knew for sure, I confirmed to my grandma that she was moving in with him. This is what set off the huge fight/no contact.
My sister was so angry with me for telling her secret to my grandmother. First off, it was not a secret...they were publicly living together and had already told others about it. And second, how could I be accused of releasing a secret that was supposed to be a secret kept from me? Again, it was her shame speaking. She didn't want my Christian grandmother with traditional values to think badly of her. She even accused me of publicly talking about her "sex life", just because I confirmed to my grandmother that she was going to live with her boyfriend...seeming to think public knowledge means intimate details. She was also the same person to come into my house and proudly tell me about a sexual act she had done that I had to swiftly tell her I did not want to hear about...so if anyone is talking openly about a sex life, it is her.
My sister has a long history of manipulation, narcisstic behavior, impulsiveness, projecting her faults onto others, causing fights, belittling others, seeking out the negative in people, just toxic qualities really. She has caused so much hurt in my life that it is really nice to have a break from the drama. Me, along with my husband, brother and grandparents have tried to be there for her and help her out by supporting her spiritually, emotionally, financially, etc. (her, my brother, and I come from a rather abusive family); she fails to see what we have done for her and accuses us of trying to control her life (when it was often quite the opposite, giving her so much space and even going for long periods without visiting when she lived next door and both her and I were busy with things). I would often let the cycle keep repeating of her causing a fight, then waiting until things settled down, and continuing the relationship until it happened again. Having to cut her off, while the most extreme measure, was the only way for healing to occur. I really do love my sister and I really wish it did not have to be like this! We're missing out on life events because of all of this nonsense.
I am not sure if she is a Christian or not. I know she used to call herself one, but I don't know if she does anymore. She had concerns about her boyfriend not following God, but then quickly got over it and seemingly accepted it.
Now she is engaged and wants me to be at her wedding. I want to do the right thing. I don't want to burn an olive branch, but I don't want to send the message that I am okay with her behavior and that going will somehow make her think things can be like they once were. If she truly is Christian, and is just fallen away for some time, I don't approve of a union where she would be with someone who would hinder her faith further (again, I am not sure where she stands). The Bible has verses about dusting your feet off and moving on when you cannot get through to a person, about not associating with those who call themselves Christians and choose to live in sin, to avoid them (not just the sexual immorality, but as 2 Timothy 3 states and describes her really well, the "slanderous, without self-control, brutal, not loving good, treacherous, reckless, swollen with conceit, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God, having the appearance of godliness, but denying its power".
Do these verses indicate that I am not to associate with her, which includes going to her wedding?
I suppose the answer to this would be if she shows true repentance and change of character. She is trying to appear that she has changed (but really disproves it quickly), sends an "apology" that does not have the tone of someone repentant, along with telling me about some wrongs I have committed which were basically things she made up with examples of behavior she does to other people and said it was me. I even sent her a card and Christmas gift (before last year's email communications), to try to show her I still care, even though I have not wronged her. She returned it by mail back to me, telling me basically that I sent it out of smugness or false intentions.
To sum things up...of course I would love restored relationships, but I want to do what is RIGHT before God, which sadly sometimes means disassociating oneself from toxic people. How should I go about this? I don't want to send the wrong message of approval by going, but I don't want to do irreparable damage and possibly burn a bridge forever by not going!
