The Excuse Game

But if I meet someone, they'll always be this someone, not someone else. Besides, they warned me about hanging around doing nice things for Someone Else during pre-marriage counselling.

Could you explain to the security that although I look dodgy, I kind of live here.

I would, but I'm a huge fan of profiling. I really don't think there's anything more than appearances. I'm with security. If you don't look like you belong, then you don't.

Should I give this guy on the phone my social security number? He sounds real helpful.

What! You let them number you?! Have you never heard of David's census or the number of the Beast?! Be like me, cut all communication with the outside world, burn all your papers, and go live in an abandoned car in the wilderness.

Bring me some potatoes, and we'll make moonshine.

First, let me correct your grammar. It should read "we'll make the moon shine". Second, let me correct your science. The moon shines due to its reflecting light from our nearby star, and has nothing to do with potatoes.

I'm bored with the wheel. Re-invent the wheel.

Nowadays with these people paying millions for free-use non-fungible tokens, no one is willing to pay royalties anymore. Why would I do something for which I don't get money each time it is used?! Why are we so obsessed on whether or not we can exchange our labour for mushrooms?

I am so confused. Tell me, is this Communism?

I can't answer that because the Communists will cancel me.

Invite me somewhere. But it must be cordial. I must be cordially invited.

I used to cordially invite people, but they complained about the wet clothes, the stickiness, the lingering fruity smell as if they were alcoholics.

Go ahead, make my day.

Quid est Veritas? said:

I used to cordially invite people, but they complained about the wet clothes, the stickiness, the lingering fruity smell as if they were alcoholics.

Go ahead, make my day.

Click to expand...

I would, but I've given up impersonations from Sudden Impact and have moved on to 21 Jump Street. Would you care for a "You punched me because I'm gay?"

I'm playing tonight at the Blue Oyster. Could you lend me your Sharpie, or perhaps your sherpa?

Colonialism is out nowadays. I can't speak about 'my' Sherpa anymore. I also think calling people Sharpies went the way of the Fuzzy-wuzzies and labelling people martial races.

Wear a mermaid costume and surprise the kids on the beach

I can't. I did that once, but it didn't go well. I looked like a mermaid from the waste down, but the rest of me was not a pretty sight. Even the children were kicking sand at me.

Can you help me process past traumatic experiences, please?

I would, but my advice to "suck it up and be a man" did not go down too well with the sissies running psychiatry nowadays. My innovative Darwinian treatment strategy of abandoning you in the middle of nowhere with a sharp pointy stick, to let nature mould you or break you, was too ahead of its time.

Tie me kangaroo down, sport.

Um, I would, but I have no idea what you just said. Happily, I don't have a kangaroo and I don't feel bad about that. So, no.

Help me understand.

St Nicholas was the wonder worker, not me!

I'm feeling down, I need some words of encouragement.

Down? What metaphor are you using? Spatial, or soft like a duck? Do you feel blown away like a feather, on the whim of the winds of chance and fate? Now you want 'encouragement', or a process of adding heart? Feathers have no circulatory system, I am sorry, so at best you'd get a soggy bloody mess. Besides, words of encouragement? Adding a heart needs complex cardiothoracic surgery.

Help me hunt down the lost easter eggs in the garden, before the ants come.

I can't because my cholesterol is high, and the eggs will raise it.

Will you sing at my wedding?

I would, but whenever I try to sing on consecrated ground, it goes all "Sodom and Gomorrah" -ey. Besides, I don't think the cease and desist order has lapsed yet.

Let's make a big breakfast.

If you think I'm going to waste my sculpting talent on eggs and bacon, you're dead wrong. I'm going to make a big cherub instead.


Let's go do our own spring scream.

I already have an old man screaming in my stead, vicariously.

Clear the kitchen table, we are going to prepare a serious meal right now.

I can't clear the table as some joker super glued everything down. And I only know how to prepare silly meals, not serious ones:

I wish I had a photograph of you, or something to remind me.

Clearly you are just an AI. I mean, you are just lifting your dialogue straight from Nickleback songs.

I wish to speak to a human.