My wife loves me, but has never been in love with me

Fred Blinsmon · Apr 8, 2021

I've been married now for almost 19 years. Me and my wife were both pretty young when we got married at only 21 years old. Our marriage has been through some serious ups and downs over the years. I'll admit that the downs are largely my fault as I've not always been the type of man I wanted to be, and done things I'm not proud of. In the past 3 years we've been trying to work on our issues and get to a better place. Recently it came out that my wife, who I have no doubt loves me, has never been in love with me in our entire relationship. I'm not sure if she even knows how to be honest. My wife was born blind and I think at least partly due to that her emotional development was stunted. That and having parents who had no idea how to teach what most instinctively know to teach or demonstrate to their daughters. At any rate I've been in counseling for over 2 years now and my demons of depression and anxiety haunt me. Along with the shame, guilt and self-disgust at the horrible choices I've made in life and how they've hurt the people around me. So with this new development I am truly at my wits end as to what to do. I desperately desire and wish to have a deep and intimate connection with my wife for I do love her very much. We couldn't be more different people however. Our core personalities couldn't be more different and we've always struggled with communication. I don't even really know why I'm posting this in any kind of a public forum except out of a sense of despair and desperation. I've been praying and begging God for help in this and don't know what to do. I don't know if its even possible that she could fall in love with me after all we've been through and as long as we've been together. I pray its possible and God can work a miracle in this. Maybe I'm not the first person to go through this. If you've got any words of wisdom I would welcome them.

Michie · Apr 8, 2021

Let me just say that blind people do not become emotionally stumped by being blind. We have blind people in the family and they are fully functioning people in every way. I do not know what you’ve done in the past or why your wife feels as she does but it might be a wise idea to see a professional marriage counselor together. Prayers for your wisdom and discernment in your journey towards healing your marriage.

Fred Blinsmon said:
I've been married now for almost 19 years. Me and my wife were both pretty young when we got married at only 21 years old. Our marriage has been through some serious ups and downs over the years. I'll admit that the downs are largely my fault as I've not always been the type of man I wanted to be, and done things I'm not proud of. In the past 3 years we've been trying to work on our issues and get to a better place. Recently it came out that my wife, who I have no doubt loves me, has never been in love with me in our entire relationship. I'm not sure if she even knows how to be honest. My wife was born blind and I think at least partly due to that her emotional development was stunted. That and having parents who had no idea how to teach what most instinctively know to teach or demonstrate to their daughters. At any rate I've been in counseling for over 2 years now and my demons of depression and anxiety haunt me. Along with the shame, guilt and self-disgust at the horrible choices I've made in life and how they've hurt the people around me. So with this new development I am truly at my wits end as to what to do. I desperately desire and wish to have a deep and intimate connection with my wife for I do love her very much. We couldn't be more different people however. Our core personalities couldn't be more different and we've always struggled with communication. I don't even really know why I'm posting this in any kind of a public forum except out of a sense of despair and desperation. I've been praying and begging God for help in this and don't know what to do. I don't know if its even possible that she could fall in love with me after all we've been through and as long as we've been together. I pray its possible and God can work a miracle in this. Maybe I'm not the first person to go through this. If you've got any words of wisdom I would welcome them.

Fred Blinsmon · Apr 8, 2021

We did seek out marriage counseling two years ago. He eventually cut us off telling us that we had to many individual issues for marriage counseling to work. Her therapist recently told her that she didn't need weekly sessions anymore. Whereas me I'm more depressed than ever.

Michie · Apr 8, 2021

Fred Blinsmon said:
We did seek out marriage counseling two years ago. He eventually cut us off telling us that we had to many individual issues for marriage counseling to work. Her therapist recently told her that she didn't need weekly sessions anymore. Whereas me I'm more depressed than ever.

Well one marriage therapist releasing you does not exclude other marriage therapists that are willing to take you on as a couple.

As far as your depression, that’s something you should see a medical doctor about.

pescador · Apr 8, 2021

Hi Fred,

Thanks for posting the above; perhaps I can be of some assistance. I've been married for 51 years and believe I've learned some things that may be of value.

1) Love your wife as you love yourself, paraphrasing Jesus' command to love your neighbor as yourself.
2) I have struggled with depression for most of my life, so I am more than familiar with the feeling.
3) => Most important <= Do whatever you can to make your wife happy without expecting anything in return.

Since you've been married for almost 19 years you undoubtedly know what the things are that make her happy and appreciative. In my case it's doing whatever I can "around the house": doing the dishes, folding and putting away the laundry, straightening up whatever mess we have made. These things are in addition to what I normally do, such as paying the bills.

If I have times of depression (such as today) I get outside and get some exercise, regardless of how I feel. I have been told that my endorphins increase whenever I get exercise so if, like today, I don't feel great emotionally and/or physically, I make myself exercise. Nothing dramatic, just doing what I can day by day. My preferred exercise is Nordic walking: using poles to get upper body strength as I stride purposely. I'm not saying that's the exercise for you, but doing what you can physically will help you mentally and emotionally as well as physically.

My goal is twofold: I want to be as healthy, mentally, emotionally, and physically, as possible so that my needs are taken care of without burdening my wife. I try to make her life as easy and rewarding as possible, which rewards both of us. She does so much for me that my efforts pale in comparison, but I do as much as I can for her.

I know that God gave me my wife, and that she is more than bone of my bone and flesh of my flesh. She is the most important person in my life, so I try to see her "with God's eyes." I depend on the Lord to guide me along those lines regardless of how I feel. Please do not give up hope!

Finally, ask your wife directly what you (singular) can do to make your (plural) situation better. There is no need to look back on previous problems; look forward to a future with each other filled with love and happiness.

Jake Arsenal · Apr 8, 2021

This "in love" thing is an idiom and unimportant to your relationship. I have only been married for 14 years, but I have learned that true love is an action that is not always accompanied by pleasant feelings; most of the time, it is necessary to perform love acts(as @pescador described) when we don't want to because it goes against our selfish nature. Focus on Biblical teachings about love.

pescador · Apr 8, 2021

Jesus said to love our neighbor as ourselves The implication is action, not emotion. The most Christian thing that anyone can do is to do everything they can to make the "neighbor's" life better. By doing so, your life becomes better.

Clare73 · Apr 8, 2021

Fred Blinsmon said:
I've been married now for almost 19 years. Me and my wife were both pretty young when we got married at only 21 years old. Our marriage has been through some serious ups and downs over the years. I'll admit that the downs are largely my fault as I've not always been the type of man I wanted to be, and done things I'm not proud of. In the past 3 years we've been trying to work on our issues and get to a better place. Recently it came out that my wife, who I have no doubt loves me, has never been in love with me in our entire relationship. I'm not sure if she even knows how to be honest. My wife was born blind and I think at least partly due to that her emotional development was stunted. That and having parents who had no idea how to teach what most instinctively know to teach or demonstrate to their daughters. At any rate I've been in counseling for over 2 years now and my demons of depression and anxiety haunt me. Along with the shame, guilt and self-disgust at the horrible choices I've made in life and how they've hurt the people around me. So with this new development I am truly at my wits end as to what to do. I desperately desire and wish to have a deep and intimate connection with my wife for I do love her very much. We couldn't be more different people however. Our core personalities couldn't be more different and we've always struggled with communication. I don't even really know why I'm posting this in any kind of a public forum except out of a sense of despair and desperation. I've been praying and begging God for help in this and don't know what to do. I don't know if its even possible that she could fall in love with me after all we've been through and as long as we've been together. I pray its possible and God can work a miracle in this. Maybe I'm not the first person to go through this. If you've got any words of wisdom I would welcome them.

Sounds like an obedience problem.

How's your obedience to God?

Get quiet, calm down.

Work on your own heart. Choose kindness, thoughtfulness, helpfulness.
You've got some repairing to do, according to your story.

It will take time for her to trust you.
And it matters not how long, you're in it for the long haul.
You should be practicing these things from the heart anyway.

When you become the person she can trust, she will gradually change.
"In love" is not the goal. True, deep, abiding, trusting love is the goal.
It wears better and longer anyway.

Petrichor92 · Apr 9, 2021

I don't have any words of wisdom. I've only been married five years and we've had some similar challenges. What I will say is that I am praying for you and your wife. If you're like me, sometimes it feels like you're the only one going through this and no married couples have ever encountered these challenges, and everyone else in the world is happy. Take heart that that is not true. You are not alone in these challenges. I'm praying for peace and connection for you both.

Fred Blinsmon · Apr 9, 2021

I'm very grateful for all of you who have left advice or insight. I often get to the point where my depression is so deep that it becomes impossible to think of things I haven't already tried. I'm no saint and I know my wife isn't either, but she's put up with and been through a lot because of me. The more I study the Bible the more I realize how incredibly far short of the mark I have fallen in loving her as I should have from the word go. She deserves better than what she's gotten up to this point that for sure. Thank you all again for those who've taken the time to try and help.

WolfGate · Apr 10, 2021

Fred Blinsmon said:
I'm very grateful for all of you who have left advice or insight. I often get to the point where my depression is so deep that it becomes impossible to think of things I haven't already tried. I'm no saint and I know my wife isn't either, but she's put up with and been through a lot because of me. The more I study the Bible the more I realize how incredibly far short of the mark I have fallen in loving her as I should have from the word go. She deserves better than what she's gotten up to this point that for sure. Thank you all again for those who've taken the time to try and help.

I am sure that is true, because it is true to some significant degree for almost everyone who is married. It comes with being human and being less mature, experienced and wise when we are younger. If you can set your intention to improve on it as you mature that is a major and wonderful goal and step both in your marriage and in sanctification.

The emotion of being "in love" is a poor measuring stick which is outcome based versus process based. Long term happily married couples will almost all tell you while they have loved each other for decades (in my case over 30 years), there were times when they did not feel "in love". Emotions are fickle and not entirely under out control. How we respond to them - deciding to be true to the standards we set for ourselves and the commitments we make to our spouse and family - those are entirely within our control. Loving (choice and action) because it is true to God's standards and who we desire to be is worthy and keeps many relationships satisfying until the emotions come back around. Perhaps your wife due to issues you mentioned is not capable of being "in love". But it sounds from what you said like she desires to love, and really, that is more enduring and mature than emotional response and can absolutely be the basis for a happy marriage.

I hope you will continue to work on the areas you have been already, and that you will begin to see past the depression and negativity it brings to appreciate the blessings and positives in what you have. I pray that God will guide you and draw your family close to Him.

Swan7 · Apr 10, 2021

Fred Blinsmon said:
I've been praying and begging God for help in this and don't know what to do. I don't know if its even possible that she could fall in love with me after all we've been through and as long as we've been together. I pray its possible and God can work a miracle in this. Maybe I'm not the first person to go through this. If you've got any words of wisdom I would welcome them.

I'm so glad to see/read that you have been seeking God! So many forget about God when trouble comes. Running to Him should be first nature to Christians. Keep seeking God in all aspects. Read God's Word, spend time with Him in prayer (not just asking Him for things, but praising Him as well), practice what you read in His Word.

Fred Blinsmon said:
Recently it came out that my wife, who I have no doubt loves me, has never been in love with me in our entire relationship. I'm not sure if she even knows how to be honest. My wife was born blind and I think at least partly due to that her emotional development was stunted.

Being "in love" is a worldly term and not at all Biblical. God teaches us to love one another as Christ loved the Church: John 13:34, Ephesians 5:25
I wouldn't at all blame her emotional development either. God makes everyone perfect and just the way He made us has purpose: Psalm 139:13-14
"Indeed you created my inward parts
You wove me in my mother’s womb.
I praise you, because I am fearfully
and wonderfully made.
Wonderful are your works,
and my soul knows it well."

Fred Blinsmon said:
That and having parents who had no idea how to teach what most instinctively know to teach or demonstrate to their daughters.

My parents had no idea what they were doing either, but God directed my path in the way I should go for Salvation and to live in His Way. I was not always obedient and for a long time I went my own way; until one day by God's Grace, I realized what I was doing and where I was heading.

Fred Blinsmon said:
At any rate I've been in counseling for over 2 years now and my demons of depression and anxiety haunt me. Along with the shame, guilt and self-disgust at the horrible choices I've made in life and how they've hurt the people around me.

You have the wrong counselor. Our Counselor has immense Grace, Mercy and Love. More than any of us can comprehend. Our Lord Christ Jesus doesn't need us to tell Him everything we ever did to make a vague conclusion about why we are the way we are, and what we must do to fix ourselves when we can't even do that.

Go to the One Who Saves, He is our Wonderful Counselor (among other major Titles): Isaiah 9:6

Fred Blinsmon said:
So with this new development I am truly at my wits end as to what to do. I desperately desire and wish to have a deep and intimate connection with my wife for I do love her very much.

Take everything to God and in time He will give to you a season to walk, and into the next season.Step by step: Ecclesiastes 3
Things will be added to you (what these things are I don't know, for you personally): Matthew 6:25-33

Fred Blinsmon said:
Our core personalities couldn't be more different and we've always struggled with communication.

Don't we all? We struggle all the time to communicate with God and in turn we struggle to communicate to one another.

I'll leave you with encouragement: Keep going forward with Christ Jesus, give Him your cares and worries, and don't forget to praise Him for what He has done for all.

Luke 18:1-8

RedPonyDriver · Apr 12, 2021

Being "in love" is a fleeting emotion. Love is not an emotion, it's an action. I was married to a wonderful man for almost 21 years until God took him home. I can say that I stopped being "in love" with him very early on in our relationship...when I realized that I loved him. It was an action. It was a conscious choice every day. It was a conscious choice when he was driving me crazy. It was a conscious choice as I took care of him through his cancer. It was taking him to the hospital when he suffered from pancreatitis. It was doing things FOR him. Not my wants, but his. He was first in my life (behind God). Yes, I struggled with self over things that I didn't want to do, but I did them anyway...because to me, I believed and still believe "whatsoever you do for the least of these...". So, I cleaned up the messes, I sat in ER waiting rooms, spent days in hospital rooms, spent days in a hospice facility watching every breath, not wanting them to stop. He was God's gift to me. On the surface we were utterly incompatible...however, God knew what He was doing when He brought us together.
You say you and your wife are very different people. Been there, done that. My husband and I were total opposites. From physical appearance to interests to careers...we were opposites. It didn't matter.

Your depression and anxiety? A good therapist, proper medication and join Celebrate Recovery and complete their step study. CR gave BOTH of us victory over certain issues we had individually. It also was unimaginably helpful in our marriage. I'm back active in CR now to deal with the grief. It works.

Fred Blinsmon · Apr 13, 2021

Well I do very much acknowledge that there is definitely an emotional component of love with things like infatuation (being "smitten") and things like that. However the way I've always understood it that that there are different "types" of love for lack of a better word. Like we love our parents, kids, pets, and that's fine. But, we don't love our spouses the same way, there is a unique kind reserved specifically for the person we marry. I have known for years now that love is a choice, or an action if you want to put it another way. I don't even pretend to understand it anymore as I once foolishly did in my youth. The issue with how different me and my wife are and it probably has a lot to do with our personalities is that it does and always has to one degree or another make all of our interactions awkward. Even after almost 20 years together we don't "click" or really even understand each other very well. I don't even think that's anyone's fault really, it just makes me sad and fuels my depression because I can't connect emotionally with the person I'm married to. For those for whom being different didn't seem to be an impediment I am very envious if you made it work for you, we never have figured out how to. I will admit freely my own culpability in having difficulty at putting others first. One of my most significant character faults. I've been working on it and am better than the self-centered insufferable human being I once was, but much road yet to travel there. I know I am not worthy of my wife. She deserves better from me than she has gotten and she's put up with a lot, through a lot of dark days and even years. I've realized that if I'd been the man of character I should have been when our marriage started then my marriage wouldn't be nearly the train wreck I turned it into. Everyone makes mistakes this is true, but let's just say that I'm working from a pretty severe deficit at this point.

I attended CR for more than 2 years and completed 2 step studies. It never really helped me. I never made the connections there that I'd hoped to. I've been in therapy for more than 3 years now and been on medication for about a year. None of it has helped. I'm more depressed and dealing with more severe anxiety than ever. Hence where a lot of my despair comes from.

Avniel · Apr 14, 2021

Love is a choice, being in love is something you decide to do. It’s not on you to figure how to make her make the choice of loving you, that’s between her and God.

RedPonyDriver · Apr 18, 2021

Fred Blinsmon said:
For those for whom being different didn't seem to be an impediment I am very envious if you made it work for you, we never have figured out how to. I will admit freely my own culpability in having difficulty at putting others first. One of my most significant character faults. I've been working on it and am better than the self-centered insufferable human being I once was, but much road yet to travel there.

Being "self-centered" is the heart of all your problems. 1 Corinthians 13 tells us exactly what love is. It is not putting self first. It is knowing that as long as you both shall live, your spouse comes first. The order is God, spouse, kids (if you have them), self.

I am and have been a very driven, independent, sort of type A person. I'm not terribly domestic, I'd rather remove my own toenails than clean or cook. My husband was definitely not like me. He was artistic, a "go with the flow" type, didn't mind doing housework. I took care of car repairs, house repairs, business stuff. He didn't have a clue how to do that. I'm a major geek, Star Trek, Star Wars, sci-fi, hard science, NASA...he was into more art films, knew all sorts of pop culture references that utterly escaped me. Thing is, by putting each other FIRST, our marriage worked.

As regards CR not helping...I know people who have done 5, 6, 7 step studies and all I can figure out is that either they're way too blind to their own shortcomings, prefer to blame someone else for their character defects or just generally won't take responsibility for themselves.

You are CHOOSING not to connect with her because you can't or won't see beyond the end of your own nose. If you can't put yourself in someone else's place, then you will never connect. Take responsibility and own your self-centeredness and consciously choose to move past it. Even if you don't want to do it.

I'd give almost anything to have my spouse back. Seriously, I'd just about sell my soul to the devil for another 20 years. Our differences made us better. I don't think I'd have survived being married to another uptight type A like me. We balanced each other out. He'd do things like close my laptop or take the lightbulbs out of my office at home because I never, ever left work at the office. He forced me to slow down and I sort of forced him to speed up.

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