Should Christians love themselves?

God first, others second, self last.

public hermit said:

Maybe the answer is obvious. With some qualification, I certainly think Christians should love themselves. But the scriptures can be confusing on this account, and I think there is a long tradition of considering self-love as sinful (consider the doctrine of total depravity, or extreme asceticism).

When Jesus teaches us to love our neighbor as ourselves, self-love is a given. But Jesus never goes out of his way to explain to us what love of self is. Add to that, we are told not to seek our own interests, but the interests of others (1 Cor. 10:24; Phil. 2:4). We are taught that the greatest serve the rest (Matt. 23:11), and that if we seek to save our lives we'll lose them (Luke 9:24). We are commanded to deny ourselves and take up our cross.

There doesn't seem to be a clear teaching about how to love ourselves. And yet, the implication of abundant and eternal life is that we seek what is good for ourselves. We are taught that God loves us, others are supposed to love us as they love their own selves, should we not love our selves?

What do you think? Should we love ourselves? Why or why not? What does self-love look like? Is self-love sinful or fulfillment?

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It's just strange the way these words are put. Love ourselves. So many ways they could be misunderstood to mean one is being egotistical vaunting oneself. Really our focus should be loving, loving and giving such to others and in so doing we'll be at peace with ourselves. If we see others which are drawing out being a blessing to others do we like them....love them? Of course we would. They look like nice people to be around.

If that really what our character was as well I suppose it could be said that we love ourselves but it becomes a useless thing to seek to acknowledge it that way. A lover however doesn't focus on oneself....it just focuses on being a blessing. It's sort of like what JFK once said don't ask what your country can do for you but what you can do for your country. To seek to love myself is to draw my attention back to myself.

Or imagine someone standing in front of the mirror in the morning and saying, Hello you wonderful person you. Your so fine and lovely. As I say it's just something you don't force your mind to make a point of. Just go out there and be loving.

public hermit said:

Maybe the answer is obvious. With some qualification, I certainly think Christians should love themselves.

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Ephesians 5:28-29
28 So husbands ought also to love their own wives as their own bodies. He who loves his own wife loves himself;
29 for no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ also does the church,

The Great Problem between God and Man is that humans love themselves, not God, or love themselves more than God by a very wide margin. You will find no where in the NT the command or teaching that one ought to love oneself. Such love is a given and the ultimate source of all our problems.

public hermit said:

With some qualification, I certainly think Christians should love themselves.

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They ought to accept how God has made them: short, tall, fat, skinny, artistic, musical, blonde or brunette, athletic or clumsy, etc. and highly value all those made in the imago dei, but the modern obsession with Self-love is antithetical to the crucified life to which all disciples of Christ are called. (Matthew 16:24-25; John 12:24-25)

public hermit said:

When Jesus teaches us to love our neighbor as ourselves, self-love is a given. But Jesus never goes out of his way to explain to us what love of self is.

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Because Self-love is contrary to the life of a disciple of Christ and because it is largely self-evident. We love ourselves by putting ourselves before others; by elevating ourselves over others; by comparing ourselves to others and competing with them for power, prestige, and material gain; by using others as mere tools for personal advancement, and so on.

Now, we ought to care for ourselves, eating well, exercising, getting sufficient rest, investing daily and heavily in our relationship with God, educating ourselves, working for the means to meet our basic needs, but loving ourselves is often the very reason we do these things in distorted degree or carelessly. Self-love creates the ego-maniacal bodybuilder and it creates the morbidly-obese glutton, too; Self-love makes one person obsessed with the attention and praise of others but another withdrawn and isolated from almost all human contact; Self love produces the over-achiever who can't bear to fail and the under-achiever who can't be bothered to succeed. And so on.

God calls us, though, to a preoccupation with Him, not ourselves, to fulfilling His will and living His way, not our own. We can't do both.

public hermit said:

There doesn't seem to be a clear teaching about how to love ourselves.

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Strangely, the best way to love yourself is to die to yourself. Jesus explains:

John 12:25
25 "He who loves his life loses it, and he who hates his life in this world will keep it to life eternal.

Matthew 16:25
25 "For whoever wishes to save his life will lose it; but whoever loses his life for My sake will find it.

The apostle Paul put it this way:

Philippians 1:21
21 For to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain.

Galatians 2:20
20 "I have been crucified with Christ; and it is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me; and the life which I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave Himself up for me.

Romans 6:17-18
17 But thanks be to God that though you were slaves of sin, you became obedient from the heart to that form of teaching to which you were committed,
18 and having been freed from sin, you became slaves of righteousness.

public hermit said:

What do you think? Should we love ourselves? Why or why not? What does self-love look like? Is self-love sinful or fulfillment?

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Any married person can tell you that Self-love (not Self-care) is perhaps the greatest source of conflict in marriage. When we are caught in the grip of Self-love, we want our way; we want our spouse to live just the way we want them to; we want to be served, to get from our spouse rather than to give to them; and if we don't feel "properly" loved, Self-love prompts a withdrawal of affection for, and service to, our spouse.

This is true in a relationship with God, also. The more we love ourselves, the less we love Him. There can only be one center, one hub, around which we revolve our life. When, in Self-love, we are that hub, God becomes merely an "orbiting body." Instead, we ought to be "orbiting" Him, but this always requires death to Self, as Christ said.

public hermit said:

Maybe the answer is obvious. With some qualification, I certainly think Christians should love themselves. But the scriptures can be confusing on this account, and I think there is a long tradition of considering self-love as sinful (consider the doctrine of total depravity, or extreme asceticism).

When Jesus teaches us to love our neighbor as ourselves, self-love is a given. But Jesus never goes out of his way to explain to us what love of self is. Add to that, we are told not to seek our own interests, but the interests of others (1 Cor. 10:24; Phil. 2:4). We are taught that the greatest serve the rest (Matt. 23:11), and that if we seek to save our lives we'll lose them (Luke 9:24). We are commanded to deny ourselves and take up our cross.

There doesn't seem to be a clear teaching about how to love ourselves. And yet, the implication of abundant and eternal life is that we seek what is good for ourselves. We are taught that God loves us, others are supposed to love us as they love their own selves, should we not love our selves?

What do you think? Should we love ourselves? Why or why not? What does self-love look like? Is self-love sinful or fulfillment?

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By "love one's self" could you mean something like 'accept oneself' -- that is, without judging and mistreating oneself? In the early part of 1 Cor 4 we read "...I do not even judge myself. 4 My conscience is clear, but that does not make me innocent...." We are not to condemn ourselves. We recognize we are sinners loved by God, tho not loved for sins, but because we are his children. We repent and He forgives, we are loved.

aiki said:

Self-love creates the ego-maniacal bodybuilder and it creates the morbidly-obese glutton, too; Self-love makes one person obsessed with the attention and praise of others but another withdrawn and isolated from almost all human contact; Self love produces the over-achiever who can't bear to fail and the under-achiever who can't be bothered to succeed. And so on.

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The sort of behaviours you describe are symptoms of self-hate and low self-esteem, not of self-love. Why would someone be obsessed with the opinion of others or be unable to bear failure if they had a proper level of self-regard?

People pleasers are obsessed with other people's opinion. Emotional maturity tells us we'll never please everyone and shouldn't define ourselves by their thoughts. Someone will always disagree.

Overachievers are risk takers by nature and failing is part of that. Most people afraid to fail are dreamers and sideline dwellers. They spend more time discussing life and what they'll do than actually accomplishing it. Some never begin.

~bella

public hermit said:

Maybe the answer is obvious. With some qualification, I certainly think Christians should love themselves. But the scriptures can be confusing on this account, and I think there is a long tradition of considering self-love as sinful (consider the doctrine of total depravity, or extreme asceticism).

When Jesus teaches us to love our neighbor as ourselves, self-love is a given. But Jesus never goes out of his way to explain to us what love of self is. Add to that, we are told not to seek our own interests, but the interests of others (1 Cor. 10:24; Phil. 2:4). We are taught that the greatest serve the rest (Matt. 23:11), and that if we seek to save our lives we'll lose them (Luke 9:24). We are commanded to deny ourselves and take up our cross.

There doesn't seem to be a clear teaching about how to love ourselves. And yet, the implication of abundant and eternal life is that we seek what is good for ourselves. We are taught that God loves us, others are supposed to love us as they love their own selves, should we not love our selves?

What do you think? Should we love ourselves? Why or why not? What does self-love look like? Is self-love sinful or fulfillment?

Click to expand...

IMHO, accepting Christ and following Him is a sign of self love. We need to have some level of love for ourselves to be willing to accept his grace and mercy. Without self love, I don't see how we could assign an individual value to salvation. In essence, why put forth the effort to save something that I don't love (e.g. myself)?

Fantastic question. There's a lot to think about here.

If they did not love themselves, why would they care at all about the opinions of others or that they were "deficient" in some way?

It is Self-love that ultimately prompts self-loathing; it is the selfish desire to be better, greater, more powerful in some way than one actually is coupled with an inability (or unwillingness to make the necessary effort) to meet that desire that provokes anger, frustration and, ironically, even self-hatred. It is not too little self-regard, but too much that leads to an unhealthy obsession with one's looks, intellect, social status, physical abilities and so on.

aiki said:

If they did not love themselves, why would they care at all about the opinions of others or that they were "deficient" in some way?

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Most examples of people pleasing are the result of dysfunctional homes and parents who were never satisfied with their children. They're compensating for the rejection by seeking acceptance from others.

It is Self-love that ultimately prompts self-loathing

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All behavior has a root. No one arrives in the world hating themselves. Something brought them to that point and it usually hails from home. If you berate, abuse, or neglect a child they'll develop self-loathing. They're mimicking the parent's behavior towards them.

~bella

public hermit said:

I think that makes sense. We love ourselves by accepting who we are, particularly as creatures created in the image of the Creator. I wonder if Paul thought we were even capable of making an accurate judgment of ourselves. He said we should leave that to the Lord. Perhaps by withholding judgment we take our proper place as God's creatures, which would be self love, in a positive sense.

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Yes, that's a key part: we are not even capable of judging ourselves well. it seems to me our best help is how when we obey Christ, then we are loved (Gospel of John), and then that love helps us so much in so many ways about loving others.

aiki said:

If they did not love themselves, why would they care at all about the opinions of others or that they were "deficient" in some way?

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Because if they did not love themselves, this is unlikely to be because they are indifferent to themselves and so not bothered by the opinion of others. It is much more likely to be because they have a low opinion of themselves and therefore would be very anxiously about what other people think of them.

public hermit said:

Thank you for such a thorough assessment of the related issue. Given what you've said, is it accurate to say love of self is sinful? That is what I took away, but don't want to put words in your mouth.

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Yes, Self-love is sin. But by "Self-love" I don't mean caring for one's needs physically, psychologically and spiritually, but the selfishness that the Bible describes and that I sketched out briefly in my first post to this thread. Self-love is not selfless. Even when it appears to be selfless, Self-love is angling toward serving and gratifying itself in some way. Self-love thinks God wants to improve Self rather than put it to death, as the Bible describes (Romans 6; Galatians 2:20; Galatians 5:25; Colossians 3:3, etc.) Self-love is proud and willful, typically opposite the agape love described in 1 Corinthians 13:4-7.

Hmm said:

Because if they did not love themselves, this is unlikely to be because they are indifferent to themselves and so not bothered by the opinion of others. It is much more likely to be because they have a low opinion of themselves and therefore would be very anxiously about what other people think of them.

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Having a low opinion of oneself does not preclude Self-love. As I said, it is precisely because people love themselves that they are anxious about what others think of them and make comparisons between themselves and others.

That people are like this naturally doesn't mean they can't win free of the bondage of Self-love. In fact, one must win free if one is going to fully enjoy God and walk rightly with Him.

public hermit said:

Self love as you're using it is pretty much selfishness and inordinate self-seeking, I think.

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Which are just terms that we use to refer to extreme or very overt forms of Self-love.

@cara-mia, Can you weigh in please? In your professional experience, did you observe greater examples of people pleasing and fear of failure due to self-love or childhood trauma?

Thankie.

~bella

bèlla said:

Most examples of people pleasing are the result of dysfunctional homes and parents who were never satisfied with their children. They're compensating for the rejection by seeking acceptance from others.

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Is this supported anywhere in Scripture? Is what you've described here the only reason for being a people-pleaser? If so, how would you prove it?

bèlla said:

All behavior has a root. No one arrives in the world hating themselves.

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I don't recall saying that people do...

bèlla said:

Something brought them to that point and it usually hails from home. If you berate, abuse, or neglect a child they'll develop self-loathing. They're mimicking the parent's behavior towards them.

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Abusive treatment at home certainly doesn't help people become selfless, Christ-centered people. It is very hard on one's natural Self-love to suffer harsh criticism and cruelty growing up. I speak from experience here, having grown up with a mother who was/is manic-depressive and a hyper-narcissist.

There is more at play, however, than just the influence of one's upbringing. The Bible is clear that the human heart is "deceitful above all things and desperately wicked" (Jeremiah 17:9). God won't be giving us a pass on Judgment Day because we had rotten parents.