Not attracted to my wife enough

HelpNeeded said:

It's clear that most responders here have read my original post too quickly, missed what I'm saying, got angry, and then posted a reply.

Maybe I didn't make myself clear enough:

When I chose my wife, I chose to look at her spiritual, and other non-appearance based attributes like personality. I also find her visually attractive. One thing she did not have was the chest. However, I was almost totally inexperienced regarding sex, and as far as I thought, I would get turned on very easily, so I thought I was doing the right thing ignoring the chest issue, because I love her and that's all you need to enjoy sex.

Years later I still love my wife, but I often can't even 'perform' because of this original issue. I never imagined this happening. I HAVE NEVER WANTED A DIVORCE and have always told her that. I have always said 'let's just keep trying'. In fact, it is my wife who has talked about it a number of times. But, I can't blame her for it, although upsetting, because the whole thing seems so unfair on her. Maybe people take it for granted that a guy will have at least a little advice from their father or some guy. I never had a single word from anyone- not a word. OBVIOUSLY I know that people's bodies can and do change, and I knew enough to account for that when I got married. Weight change, post-baby body, saggy boobs, wrinkles, age- NONE of that kind of stuff bothers me or puts me off AT ALL. The problem is that I literally often can't 'perform' although I desperately want to. My wife naturally wants to feel that I absolutely must have her, so for me to be not even able to get it up, is terrible for her (and me).

I didn't like the 'poll' thing either, but it was there, and I though that's what I was expected to do.

PS: I honestly love Americans and America (a lot of people around the world don't), and I live somewhere where I mix with every nationality in the world all the time, but my goodness some of you guys really perpetuate the global reputation of Americans being rash, angry and aggressive.

Click to expand...

Own your own problems and see a doctor. Look in the mirror.

Here's why I think you're shallow and essentially not a nice guy. I was married for over 20 years. I married later in life, I was already over 30. In those 20 years, my weight fluctuated by about 75 pounds. I was slender, I was large. I lost weight and skin started to sag. I gained the weight again. To my dear husband, it never, ever mattered. He was crazy about me ALL the time. Fat, slender, somewhere in between...didn't matter. Up until he got too sick to "perform", he'd jump my bones any chance he got. Over 40? Didn't matter. Over 50? Didn't matter. 200 pounds? Didn't matter. Bad hair day? Didn't matter. Bubba was ALL about thinking I was the hottest thing on 2 legs. I'm not terribly attractive (in my opinion), I'm short, kind of plain looking for my ethnicity, nothing to write home about. But, he LOVED me. He could never, ever explain why he loved me, he would tell me "I just do". His very last words to me before his death, as he was sinking into a coma, were "I love you" and he puckered up for the very last kiss he ever gave me.

YOU sir, are shallow, callow and in dire need of learning what love is.

HelpNeeded said:

It's clear that most responders here have read my original post too quickly, missed what I'm saying, got angry, and then posted a reply.

Maybe I didn't make myself clear enough:

When I chose my wife, I chose to look at her spiritual, and other non-appearance based attributes like personality. I also find her visually attractive. One thing she did not have was the chest. However, I was almost totally inexperienced regarding sex, and as far as I thought, I would get turned on very easily, so I thought I was doing the right thing ignoring the chest issue, because I love her and that's all you need to enjoy sex.

Years later I still love my wife, but I often can't even 'perform' because of this original issue. I never imagined this happening. I HAVE NEVER WANTED A DIVORCE and have always told her that. I have always said 'let's just keep trying'. In fact, it is my wife who has talked about it a number of times. But, I can't blame her for it, although upsetting, because the whole thing seems so unfair on her. Maybe people take it for granted that a guy will have at least a little advice from their father or some guy. I never had a single word from anyone- not a word. OBVIOUSLY I know that people's bodies can and do change, and I knew enough to account for that when I got married. Weight change, post-baby body, saggy boobs, wrinkles, age- NONE of that kind of stuff bothers me or puts me off AT ALL. The problem is that I literally often can't 'perform' although I desperately want to. My wife naturally wants to feel that I absolutely must have her, so for me to be not even able to get it up, is terrible for her (and me).

I didn't like the 'poll' thing either, but it was there, and I though that's what I was expected to do.

PS: I honestly love Americans and America (a lot of people around the world don't), and I live somewhere where I mix with every nationality in the world all the time, but my goodness some of you guys really perpetuate the global reputation of Americans being rash, angry and aggressive.

Click to expand...

I'll say one thing, I definitely did look at my wife's appearance 1st when I originally met her. And I'm not sure why we guys today wouldn't do so, frankly, putting me at pains to say that I fully relate with how your particular set of circumstances came about.

I suppose, though, that if I were in your place, and I found my wife's physical features to be somehow less than I preferred, I'd have a lot to think about and to contend with in my mind as well. I'd also be wondering why I'm so specific in this preference while other guys might not be.

I'm going to have to at least partially agree with some of the ladies here in recommending that you find a professional family therapist/psychologist (a Christian one hopefully) to help you begin to figure out what you're going to do from this point on.

I will say one additional thing, too, while I'm at it-------------sometimes the grass on the other side of the fence looks greener, fuller, and maybe even more lush, but there can be (and often are or eventually will be) all kinds of other problems lurking in and under that other lawn that won't make up for the seeming promise of a better moment in the bedroom.

HelpNeeded said:

It's clear that most responders here have read my original post too quickly, missed what I'm saying, got angry, and then posted a reply.

Maybe I didn't make myself clear enough:

When I chose my wife, I chose to look at her spiritual, and other non-appearance based attributes like personality. I also find her visually attractive. One thing she did not have was the chest. However, I was almost totally inexperienced regarding sex, and as far as I thought, I would get turned on very easily, so I thought I was doing the right thing ignoring the chest issue, because I love her and that's all you need to enjoy sex.

Years later I still love my wife, but I often can't even 'perform' because of this original issue. I never imagined this happening. I HAVE NEVER WANTED A DIVORCE and have always told her that. I have always said 'let's just keep trying'. In fact, it is my wife who has talked about it a number of times. But, I can't blame her for it, although upsetting, because the whole thing seems so unfair on her. Maybe people take it for granted that a guy will have at least a little advice from their father or some guy. I never had a single word from anyone- not a word. OBVIOUSLY I know that people's bodies can and do change, and I knew enough to account for that when I got married. Weight change, post-baby body, saggy boobs, wrinkles, age- NONE of that kind of stuff bothers me or puts me off AT ALL. The problem is that I literally often can't 'perform' although I desperately want to. My wife naturally wants to feel that I absolutely must have her, so for me to be not even able to get it up, is terrible for her (and me).

I didn't like the 'poll' thing either, but it was there, and I though that's what I was expected to do.

PS: I honestly love Americans and America (a lot of people around the world don't), and I live somewhere where I mix with every nationality in the world all the time, but my goodness some of you guys really perpetuate the global reputation of Americans being rash, angry and aggressive.

Click to expand...

Help needed, I think it's really important to distinguish the difference between the way we feel, which is often inconvenient, and how we act on it, what is tragic for both of you is you can't help how you feel and are unable to disguise it by being unable to perform, ( and let him without sin cast the first stone! ) in other words, have a bit if sympathy for help needed people! He loves his wife, doesn't want to divorce her, and finds her attractive, but we all have inconvenient and uncharitable feelings from to e to time and if we are lucky we can disguise them for long enough in order to work on them, but I'm sure if 'help needed' could choose to love his wife's breasts he'd give anything to be able to, but who hasn't been asked out on a date by a really nice person who you are physically unattracted to and felt really awkward about it?
Of course its hurtful for his wife and he knows that, I think its really honest of him to admit all this, but he seems to be genuinely seeking a solution to save his marriage, and it don't think it's helpful to reprimand him, by doing so you're heaping more shame on him than he already feels, and anyone who's struggling with similar problems are not going to come on this site to look for a solution!
' Help needed' I would strongly advise you to seek marriage guidence, I really think you need a sensitive councillor to unpick these tricky issues and try to help you find a resolution if not a solution, there is so much guilt, hurt and confusion between you, and if you were unworldly when you got married, then it's harder for you than most people to navigate through the complexities of psychology and and marital relations, there are people out there who can help if you find a good one, many a marriage has been saved, but if it can't, then you will know you did your best to help find a solution, it can be a difficult process, but it is an act if selflessness, love and comittment to do so, that can at the very least result in more self awareness, and lead to a better understanding of constructive communication.

I wish you and your wife evey positive hope through this difficult time.

Abide with me. said:

what is tragic for both of you is you can't help how you feel and are unable to disguise it by being unable to perform

Click to expand...

What a cop out. If that were true, I'd never get out of bed because I don't feel like it. I'd never clean my house because I don't feel like it. That is without a doubt the lamest excuse in the book and one I'd expect from a teenager.

If you KNEW her breasts were "too small" why on earth did you marry her? Go see a counselor. Get both of you into marriage counseling and for you, seek the Godly counsel of some men.

HelpNeeded said:

but my goodness some of you guys really perpetuate the global reputation of Americans being rash, angry and aggressive.

Click to expand...

I think most people in all countries get a little rash, angry, and aggressive towards people who consider getting a divorce because their wife's boobs are too small for their taste.

RedPonyDriver said:

What a cop out. If that were true, I

If you KNEW her breasts were "too small" why on earth did you marry her? Go see a counselor. Get both of you into marriage counseling and for you, seek the Godly counsel of some men.

Click to expand...

If you KNEW her breasts were "too small" why on earth did you marry her? Go see a counselor. Get both of you into marriage counseling and for you, seek the Godly counsel of some men.[/QUOTE]

RedPonyDriver said:

What a cop out. If that were true, I'd never get out of bed because I don't feel like it. I'd never clean my house because I don't feel like it. That is without a doubt the lamest excuse in the book and one I'd expect from a teenager.

If you KNEW her breasts were "too small" why on earth did you marry her? Go see a counselor. Get both of you into marriage counseling and for you, seek the Godly counsel of some men.

Click to expand...

I don't know if you are male or female, but if you had ever been in a relationship with erectile dysfunction you wouldn't be so callous as to equate it to being bothered to get out if bed in the morning, if you're a woman you can fake it whether you feel like it or not, whether youre turned off by your husbands pot belly, his bad breath or even his small penis, I'm guessing you are a woman because if you were a man you might have a shred of sympathy and humility for their inability to perform if they are not turned on. Either way I'm shocked at the lack of Christian charity to this man who came on here looking for help to an embarrassing problem.

Abide with me. said:

I'm guessing you are a woman because if you were a man you might have a shred of sympathy and humility for their inability to perform if they are not turned on.

Click to expand...

I am a woman and the reason I am not pleased with the OP is he is a callow, shallow jerk. To make that big an issue over boobs is juvenile. ED is not his problem, his problem is that he's found a reason to not "love" his wife. He's "not turned on" by something he knew full well before they married.

Women also get "turned off" by certain things and there's no way the body will respond with those issues. What I am attempting to say is that if he's all uptight over something that could potentially be cured by a visit to a plastic surgeon, he's got bigger issues.

As regards ED, that was a real issue at various points in my marriage. THAT didn't matter one whit. But, then again, we understood intimacy to be a whole lot more than sex. His ED had to do with the various medical issues that ravaged his body during the last 6 years of his life.

Hey man, I'm sorry this site can be so judgmental and I imagine you're already feeling pretty guilty about this whole thing. Try to let that go. Then try and discover why God gave this women to you. To do that, you might have to let some things go. You might even have to dig a little deeper and discover why her breasts are such a problem for you. You need to discover this for two reasons 1) your Creator wants you to and 2) you want you to (you just can't or don't want to see it yet). The truth is that "it does get better than this"; but not in the arms of someone else and probably not without some more soul searching on your part. Prayers bro.

Stop making excuses and deal with yourself before blaming your wife for any issues. Wow. Divorce won't solve anything. The issue starts with you, the leader of the household.

Abide with me. said:

Help needed, I think it's really important to distinguish the difference between the way we feel, which is often inconvenient, and how we act on it, what is tragic for both of you is you can't help how you feel and are unable to disguise it by being unable to perform, ( and let him without sin cast the first stone! ) in other words,

Click to expand...

Actually, he needs to see a doctor. Not being able to perform more than likely is a medical issue. It's not like this is unusual with age. Some men have issues - others don't. Some men find changes in their late 20's and others it happens much later. Thankfully, today there are therapies and drugs to help with it.

Claiming her breast size is defeating him in bed? He maybe assuming the breasts are the problem because he is afraid of going to the doctor. There are many men who feel there is a sense of shame associated with not being able to perform, and he could be diverting to breast size instead of the medical reality.

How he acted on it was by hurting his wife. Sounds like she is self conscious about this already, and HIM confirming to her that he doesn't care for them shows a lack of tact on his part. There are some things you need to keep to yourself. It's unneeded.

There are certain things that are a must to discuss in a marriage. Then there are things you must allow to let alone. You certainly don't want to even hint to your wife that she is less than a woman, because her chest size can't turn you on enough. Those types of statements will do more harm than good.

Abide with me. said:

I don't know if you are male or female, but if you had ever been in a relationship with erectile dysfunction you wouldn't be so callous as to equate it to being bothered to get out if bed in the morning, if you're a woman you can fake it whether you feel like it or not, whether youre turned off by your husbands pot belly, his bad breath or even his small penis, I'm guessing you are a woman because if you were a man you might have a shred of sympathy and humility for their inability to perform if they are not turned on. Either way I'm shocked at the lack of Christian charity to this man who came on here looking for help to an embarrassing problem.

Click to expand...

I don't get it. So you realize he has a medical issue, and tell him to go to a counselor instead of suggesting medical help? Why is that?

Once his medical issue is taken care of - or at least on its way - then you deal with the dynamics within the relationship. The dynamics will have changed, and he might even find that his obsession with chest size wasn't the issue at all.

Where is the sympathy and humility towards his wife? That is what people seem to be reacting too. There isn't any present in his presentation so far. Sure, he cares for her etc - yet posts a poll on divorce because of his lack of performance? Talk about a double message there that I assume you didn't catch. I mean I wouldn't have an issue with him presenting this with some tact - which he didn't. I can't even imagine how callous he came across to his wife during their discussions.

Remember this man came here with his 'embarrassing problem' and blamed it on small breast size. ED never entered his mind, and then you have posters that tell him to go to counseling...because that will medically help the ED? No. You suggest a medical evaluation especially if you realize its medical - and you clearly didn't. I don't get that at all.

Leet said:

I reckon it's a member here who made a sock account because he knew it wouldn't be well-received...

Click to expand...

That's a good point, Leet. I hope our mysterious interlocutor(s) understand that in the same way that some people have a loathing of clowns, I have a loathing of sock puppets and of ventriloquist dummies that has been with me ever since I was a kid. (Or maybe it was that old Anthony Hopkin's movie, Magic, that did it for me. I don't know ).

It would be nice if they'd desist in going round and round with us (through the use of "sock" accounts) ...

HelpNeeded said:

She feels completely tricked and trapped. I certainly never meant to 'trap' or 'trick' her, but I cannot blame her for how she feels at all. She says she should have married one of her previous partners / friends who displayed a lot more desire for her. She is still young and on the one hand would like to move on, as she feels the last ~10yrs has been stolen from her.

I have always said 'let's just keep trying'. In fact, it is my wife who has talked about [divorce] a number of times.

Click to expand...

This thread has so many judgemental, angry-sounding comments against HelpNeeded that indicated that the posters don't really understand what he is saying or asking. He did not say that he wants to divorce his wife because her breasts are too small or because he is unattracted to her. He said that his wife wants to divorce him because she feels undesired. She even told him that she should have married someone else who had more sexual desire for her! Yet people are calling him vile and saying other things against him. What seems vile to me is insulting someone who is asking for help. So he made a poll. So what? Maybe he's really confused and wants to know what other people think. Insulting him is not going to help. Maybe you think he is a troll or hiding behind an alternate account. Fine, maybe try expressing it in a way that isn't insulting just in case he's not.

In any case, I'm not sure how to help. Of course I think that you shouldn't divorce, because God hates divorce, and there are (as with all of God's commandments) good reasons why. At the same time, your relationship should not remain as it is. Some people recommended asking a doctor in case your lack of attraction (or potential impotence?) has a medical cause. Others recommended talking to a counselor or psychologist in case there is a more psychological or spiritual reason behind it than simple lack of physical attraction. I think that if your wife wants to feel attractive and to feel that you are attracted to her, then you should try to provide this however you can. While you're certainly not obligated to be or act physically attracted to her, I think it's best to try to satisfy her if you can.

Women who become angry at Help Needed when reading his post, please try swapping sexes here. Imagine that HelpNeeded is a woman who loves her husband but whose husband wants to divorce her because she is not sufficiently physically attracted to him due to his lack of endowment. Imagine that this hypothetical woman is saying, "I love my husband, but he is hurt because I'm not satisfied because he is too small, and now he wants to divorce me and find a woman who will be attracted to him despite his small size."

Elear said:

While you're certainly not obligated to be or act physically attracted to her, I think it's best to try to satisfy her if you can.

Click to expand...

Although I am surprised that no one quoted Proverbs 5:19 yet... oh, wait, someone did. It's more of a poetic exhortation than a command, though.

Elear said:

He said that his wife wants to divorce him because she feels undesired. She even told him that she should have married someone else who had more sexual desire for her!

Click to expand...

I'd want out too if my husband didn't desire me. However, the OP seems rather shallow, honestly. He KNEW she was not large breasted when they dated and married. Why did he marry her then? Regarding the opposite...a not well endowed man usually knows enough other techniques to satisfy his wife. If he doesn't he can learn them.

Fortunately, I've been "around the block" enough times in my life to have dated and slept with men of all dimensions...the not well endowed guys were usually better lovers. Those relationships ended for other reasons...the biggest one was they wanted the whole marriage, white picket fence and kids. I never wanted to have children and since that was the deal breaker, the relationships ended. I ended up marrying a man who thought I was the end-all and be-all of womanhood in his eyes. As I said above, he was nuts about me no matter how much I weighed, how much gravity got hold of certain things as I aged, whether I was dressed to the nines or wearing raggedy sweats and a tank top. All he saw was the woman he loved beyond any reason.

RedPonyDriver said:

I'd want out too if my husband didn't desire me.

Click to expand...

What do you mean by "desire" (in the context, I meant sexual desire, not attraction or desire in general)? What do you mean by wanting out? Would you actually consider it justified to leave or divorce him, or would you merely want to leave but know that you should do otherwise?

RedPonyDriver said:

He KNEW she was not large breasted when they dated and married. Why did he marry her then?

Click to expand...

His answer to that in his original post sounds like the opposite of shallow, and it answers not just why he married her, but why he is still with her and trying to maintain the relationship: "I did, and still do, love my wife a lot. We have a lot in common. She is great in many ways."

Elear said:

What do you mean by "desire" (in the context, I meant sexual desire, not attraction or desire in general)? What do you mean by wanting out? Would you actually consider it justified to leave or divorce him, or would you merely want to leave but know that you should do otherwise?

Click to expand...

Desire...sexually, etc. And yes, I'd be outta there so fast his head would spin. I would find a good divorce lawyer and get gone. I have no compunction about divorce. Marriage is a covenant. If he's not holding up his end, then there's no more covenant or contract. It's been broken...and it's all over but the lawyers. As a former business owner, I know that contracts are often broken long before the legalities.
I'm glad I married later in life and didn't have to deal with wishy-washy men who were hung up on physical attributes vs. what a woman was made of. It's also why I will remain single now. I dipped a toe into the dating pool and found a bunch of shallow men who wanted nothing more than some hot arm candy. Yes, these were "Christian" men too.

What is shallow is his level of maturity. Read his two posts. He directly says that her breast size causes him to have erectile disfunction. He says elsewhere that physical imperfections don't bother him, but blames his lack of having sex on her physical imperfections. Relational immaturity.

Yes, ED is an issue, but I am totally confident her breast size is not the cause. It is not her problem, it is their problem, but he acts powerless to do anything about it - which pushes the issue right back to how she responds. Emotional immaturity.

Immaturity in and of itself is not bad. It's a normal part of being a person and going through life. It is something real men and women want to grow through and become wiser and more mature. Nothing of that shows in his two posts.

For a suggestion to the OP, how about being a man and deciding to take power over the things you can control. Acknowledge what is really going on. You need to work on the ED together, but the bulk of starting it lies on you whether medical or emotional. There is also have a higher sex drive/lower sex drive dynamic in the marriage - just like almost every marriage out there. Own it and work with her to figure out how to balance it (I'm betting that might help with the ED also if not medical). Good resources have popped up out there the last few years. Dr. Corey Allan has a blog, literature and even a podcast that might be a help. Stop blaming her for you having a lower desire. In fact, neither of you are to blame, that's life. Get it honestly out in the open (unlike now) and work on it. Of course she feels like you don't really desire and care about her given how you've handled your issues so far. Start maturing. You may still be able to fix this and save the marriage, but not unless you change how you've dealt with it.

The original poster hasn't checked this thread since February. It seems like there are two main kinds of response on this thread: People who try to understand the original poster's position and be constructive, and those who post unconstructive negative opinions about him, usually based on a misunderstanding of what he said. The O.P. is unlikely to be affected by either at this point.