How to trust God when your life has been a series of bad events?

longwait

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I know being a Christian doesn't make everything better but it shouldn't be this difficult either.
I feel like I literally can not trust God--I feel He doesn't have my best interest at heart just what He wants.

I didn't get into my program (rejected)
struggling in poverty
toxic parents ( Tried to move out but there's always a block. Not lazy by any means)
No friends ( from as long as I can remember I've always been alone and lonely no one really stuck with me from school, college years, not in church no matter how friendly i am. It just doesn't work out.

My son's health issues
My own mental issues getting worse
Bad church experience
God's silence from the time I was saved to now..

Idk I feel like no matter what I do it's destined to fail. I truly feel like a Lazarus Archetype-- I'm just meant to tread wih my head above water until I die and then and only then will things get better. Sucks but I feel this is my cross to bear bc no matter how hard I work nothing comes together, I pray get no answers.

Idk I just have zero faith that God will do anything for me except what He wants which seems to be nothing. I just can't trust God because of this. I also dont have much self esteem or belief in myself because of this.

Life is hard, but be careful. Don't be a part of the great falling away in the end times.
 
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mlepfitjw

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Hello Ma'am.

My only encouragement is if you can read. Spend an hour or so reading some of the Gospel.

Listen these material things do not matter to God, though we do live in this world and need them.

Do you know what God cares about the most ? It is your heart. He desires for us to long for Him, and to really trust Him and the Lord Jesus Christ.

If you could just find it in your heart to go to God, and read about His Son again, (just make it through the Gospel of Matthew). Realize how much God really does love, witness the abuses that Jesus Christ had to go through, even being deserted by his followers, left to die on a cross alone by himself. All for the love of us here in this world, so we can be forgiven, and place our faith in trust in him.

You realize do you not ma'am that you are so valuable to God more than flowers of the field, and the birds of the air?

I realize it is a material world, but please realize that God works in the spiritual ways and not the material though (he can send someone who can help you as like messangers who come and go in the scriptures of the Gospel.)

Matthew 6:
25 “Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes?

26 Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they?

27 Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?

28 “And why do you worry about clothes? See how the flowers of the field grow. They do not labor or spin.

29 Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these.

30 If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you—you of little faith?

31 So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’

32 For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them.

33 But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.

34 Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.


Also just for one more step in of action while you are reading the Gospels - Do not look at some things as a future event for the here and now in this world - (We will die eventually and go to God) - Realize that some of the things that are being talked about times for their generations as you are reading along.

Hope this encourages you, because we all are responsible to God alone, and he cares about you.

Please ask God to help you in all of your struggles and worries and do not doubt in him, for He loves and cares about you and your problems so much.

1 Peter 5:7 Give all your worries and cares to God, for he cares about you.

Matthew 7:
7 Ask, and it shall be given you; seek, and ye shall find; knock, and it shall be opened unto you:

8 For every one that asketh receiveth; and he that seeketh findeth; and to him that knocketh it shall be opened.

9 Or what man is there of you, whom if his son ask bread, will he give him a stone?

10 Or if he ask a fish, will he give him a serpent?

11 If ye then, being evil, know how to give good gifts unto your children, how much more shall your Father which is in heaven give good things to them that ask him?

Keep praying God bless friend!
 
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Lost4words

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I know being a Christian doesn't make everything better but it shouldn't be this difficult either.
I feel like I literally can not trust God--I feel He doesn't have my best interest at heart just what He wants.

I didn't get into my program (rejected)
struggling in poverty
toxic parents ( Tried to move out but there's always a block. Not lazy by any means)
No friends ( from as long as I can remember I've always been alone and lonely no one really stuck with me from school, college years, not in church no matter how friendly i am. It just doesn't work out.

My son's health issues
My own mental issues getting worse
Bad church experience
God's silence from the time I was saved to now..

Idk I feel like no matter what I do it's destined to fail. I truly feel like a Lazarus Archetype-- I'm just meant to tread wih my head above water until I die and then and only then will things get better. Sucks but I feel this is my cross to bear bc no matter how hard I work nothing comes together, I pray get no answers.

Idk I just have zero faith that God will do anything for me except what He wants which seems to be nothing. I just can't trust God because of this. I also dont have much self esteem or belief in myself because of this.

You are carrying a very heavy cross.

Carry it for God. Offer it up to God. Be sure that Jesus is carrying you while you carry your cross!

You are not alone in your struggles my friend. Many of us have been, and are going through, our own deserts in life. We all love God. We all need to put all of our trust in Him. Dont give up on God.

May God bless you. Protect and guide you. And give you happiness, health and peace in life.
 
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Dave L

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I know being a Christian doesn't make everything better but it shouldn't be this difficult either.
I feel like I literally can not trust God--I feel He doesn't have my best interest at heart just what He wants.

I didn't get into my program (rejected)
struggling in poverty
toxic parents ( Tried to move out but there's always a block. Not lazy by any means)
No friends ( from as long as I can remember I've always been alone and lonely no one really stuck with me from school, college years, not in church no matter how friendly i am. It just doesn't work out.

My son's health issues
My own mental issues getting worse
Bad church experience
God's silence from the time I was saved to now..

Idk I feel like no matter what I do it's destined to fail. I truly feel like a Lazarus Archetype-- I'm just meant to tread wih my head above water until I die and then and only then will things get better. Sucks but I feel this is my cross to bear bc no matter how hard I work nothing comes together, I pray get no answers.

Idk I just have zero faith that God will do anything for me except what He wants which seems to be nothing. I just can't trust God because of this. I also dont have much self esteem or belief in myself because of this.
Luther says;

"First, God has promised certainly His grace to the humbled: that is, to the self-deploring and despairing. But a man cannot be thoroughly humbled, until he comes to know that his salvation is utterly beyond his own powers, counsel, endeavours, will, and works, and absolutely depending on the will, counsel, pleasure, and work of another, that is, of God only. For if, as long as he has any persuasion that he can do even the least thing himself towards his own salvation, he retain a confidence in himself and do not utterly despair in himself, so long he is not humbled before God; but he proposes to himself some place, some time, or some work, whereby he may at length attain unto salvation. But he who hesitates not to depend wholly upon the good-will of God, he totally despairs in himself, chooses nothing for himself, but waits for God to work in him; and such an one, is the nearest unto grace, that he might be saved."

Martin Luther. The Bondage of the Will.
 
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quietpraiyze

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I know being a Christian doesn't make everything better but it shouldn't be this difficult either.
I feel like I literally can not trust God--I feel He doesn't have my best interest at heart just what He wants.

I didn't get into my program (rejected)
struggling in poverty
toxic parents ( Tried to move out but there's always a block. Not lazy by any means)
No friends ( from as long as I can remember I've always been alone and lonely no one really stuck with me from school, college years, not in church no matter how friendly i am. It just doesn't work out.

My son's health issues
My own mental issues getting worse
Bad church experience
God's silence from the time I was saved to now..

Idk I feel like no matter what I do it's destined to fail. I truly feel like a Lazarus Archetype-- I'm just meant to tread wih my head above water until I die and then and only then will things get better. Sucks but I feel this is my cross to bear bc no matter how hard I work nothing comes together, I pray get no answers.

Idk I just have zero faith that God will do anything for me except what He wants which seems to be nothing. I just can't trust God because of this. I also dont have much self esteem or belief in myself because of this.

I remember when I was a baby Christian, I had a blissful 6 months then all hell broke loose. I was 21 years old and it was one trial after another. I mean life changing painful trials including I lost my health and MANY painful loses. It was like I couldn't get up without something knocking me back down. This including the aftermath went on for years...over a decade and it hurt me deeply. I thought this is it. This is my life and it's a life of suffering.

I prayed. I memorized the Word, went to Church, worked in Ministry, dotted every "i" and crossed every "t". I took the hits and I tried to be "strong and of faith" but it was very hard and painful because I didn't see anybody else around me going through what I was going through. Everybody was being blessed but me and I felt on some level I must be cursed.

I had a particular breaking point which caused me to tell God exactly how I felt about Him. That changed everything. I'm not going to go into details but I never thought back then that I would have the kind of relationship of intimacy I now have with God. Being rooted and grounded in God is not an easy process. Unfortunately it's not talked about much either.

Dearheart you can go to God in all your pain and rawness and tell Him what's in your heart. You can tell Him how you really feel about all of it including Him. You don't have to follow a "script" or pretend with Him. You can talk plain to Him. Things don't just go on and on. There is such a thing as the "fullness of time". He will come, He will answer, He will heal you and He alone will bring you to the other side of it.

You're okay...you may not understand everything that's going on but He does. God the Father, Jesus Christ, and the Holy Spirit are real.

I hope this helps you in some way...
 
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Bruce Leiter

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I know being a Christian doesn't make everything better but it shouldn't be this difficult either.
I feel like I literally can not trust God--I feel He doesn't have my best interest at heart just what He wants.

I didn't get into my program (rejected)
struggling in poverty
toxic parents ( Tried to move out but there's always a block. Not lazy by any means)
No friends ( from as long as I can remember I've always been alone and lonely no one really stuck with me from school, college years, not in church no matter how friendly i am. It just doesn't work out.

My son's health issues
My own mental issues getting worse
Bad church experience
God's silence from the time I was saved to now..

Idk I feel like no matter what I do it's destined to fail. I truly feel like a Lazarus Archetype-- I'm just meant to tread wih my head above water until I die and then and only then will things get better. Sucks but I feel this is my cross to bear bc no matter how hard I work nothing comes together, I pray get no answers.

Idk I just have zero faith that God will do anything for me except what He wants which seems to be nothing. I just can't trust God because of this. I also dont have much self esteem or belief in myself because of this.
I notice that you use the pronoun "I" a lot more than you do the word "God." I want to ask several questions:

Why can't you find a different church?
Why don't your parents move out? Can you find a place with rent that matches their income?
What program did you lose, and why can't you find some other program or job that God might bless?
How much have you prayed about your situation?
Can you find new friends by getting involved in a different Bible-believing church?
How much is it your interest that you want God to agree with rather than seeking his interest, guidance, and direction about your life?
What are your mental issues? Have you sought God's help through a mental-health professional?
How has God been silent when he speaks to you through the Bible, sermons, teaching, and other Christians? How much are you reading his Word?

I will put you on my daily prayer list.
 
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Al Gammate

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I know being a Christian doesn't make everything better but it shouldn't be this difficult either.
I feel like I literally can not trust God--I feel He doesn't have my best interest at heart just what He wants.

I didn't get into my program (rejected)
struggling in poverty
toxic parents ( Tried to move out but there's always a block. Not lazy by any means)
No friends ( from as long as I can remember I've always been alone and lonely no one really stuck with me from school, college years, not in church no matter how friendly i am. It just doesn't work out.

My son's health issues
My own mental issues getting worse
Bad church experience
God's silence from the time I was saved to now..

Idk I feel like no matter what I do it's destined to fail. I truly feel like a Lazarus Archetype-- I'm just meant to tread wih my head above water until I die and then and only then will things get better. Sucks but I feel this is my cross to bear bc no matter how hard I work nothing comes together, I pray get no answers.

Idk I just have zero faith that God will do anything for me except what He wants which seems to be nothing. I just can't trust God because of this. I also dont have much self esteem or belief in myself because of this.

In every thing give thanks: for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus concerning you" (1 Thessalonians 5:18).

If you want to transform your life from hellish to amazing, do this:

1) Make a list of all the good things in your life, no matter how mundane they are.
2) Read the list every morning and at bedtime.
3) And as more good things in your life pop into your awareness, add them to the list.

By doing this everyday, you will be programming your mind to focus on the positive. And by doing so, you will bring more positive things into your life.

Thanks,
Al A. Gammate
 
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gym_class_hero

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Macchiato when I started volunteering it made me realize that there are people a lot worse off than me. Id encourage you to do so...it will take your mind off your issues and you may meet friends and maybe a lifemate. God bless.
 
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Pavel Mosko

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@Macchiato I've had something similar. I'm probably in a somewhat better place, but definitely had an axe to grind with God much of my life and much of it has been towards job and career and schooling. I was not able to finish my masters degree in psychology needed to have a decent job, and never could get a niche in the tech industry in California even when things were booming. And that has greatly impacted my life as far as stability needed to marry and have kids. I did eventually do that when I was almost hitting 40, but it didn't last, the job problem was a big factor in the divorce.


I sometimes find myself wanting to give up on God, or do what I did in my younger years I became a super practical agnostic with a kind of "God Helps those who help themselves" notion of things and basically adopted self help as a kind of unofficial religion.


But anyways I came to a few realizations that maybe can help you

1) Many things in the Bible take a long time. Many people in the Bible waited a long time for their promises to be fulfilled Abraham probably the best example, but there are many people, and not just the famous people we know by name, but there are lots of unnamed masses living in between the times of the different books and stories that were waiting to be delivered from slavery, exile in Babylon, from the Philistines, Canaanites and other groups rampaging the land.


2) It is very important to pay attention to the things you have, and when things go right in your life. If you take careful notes sometimes you can see the hand of God working when you look back on your life.


3) We are what we think and meditate on. This is something to keep in mind when we are exasperated with God and our situation. But we should always remember we have a lot of control over how we feel and think. I also take a lot of comfort in the passage where Jesus says to not worry about the future, we just have to focus on what needs to be done for today. It is good advice, and it also can ease the burden of other kinds of irrational thoughts, feelings, and compulsions.
 
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Macchiato

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I remember when I was a baby Christian, I had a blissful 6 months then all hell broke loose. I was 21 years old and it was one trial after another. I mean life changing painful trials including I lost my health and MANY painful loses. It was like I couldn't get up without something knocking me back down. This including the aftermath went on for years...over a decade and it hurt me deeply. I thought this is it. This is my life and it's a life of suffering.

I prayed. I memorized the Word, went to Church, worked in Ministry, dotted every "i" and crossed every "t". I took the hits and I tried to be "strong and of faith" but it was very hard and painful because I didn't see anybody else around me going through what I was going through. Everybody was being blessed but me and I felt on some level I must be cursed.

I had a particular breaking point which caused me to tell God exactly how I felt about Him. That changed everything. I'm not going to go into details but I never thought back then that I would have the kind of relationship of intimacy I now have with God. Being rooted and grounded in God is not an easy process. Unfortunately it's not talked about much either.

Dearheart you can go to God in all your pain and rawness and tell Him what's in your heart. You can tell Him how you really feel about all of it including Him. You don't have to follow a "script" or pretend with Him. You can talk plain to Him. Things don't just go on and on. There is such a thing as the "fullness of time". He will come, He will answer, He will heal you and He alone will bring you to the other side of it.

You're okay...you may not understand everything that's going on but He does. God the Father, Jesus Christ, and the Holy Spirit are real.

I hope this helps you in some way...
This was so beautifully said. I just wish I pressed on like you but instead I made many many mistakes.

In every thing give thanks: for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus concerning you" (1 Thessalonians 5:18).

If you want to transform your life from hellish to amazing, do this:

1) Make a list of all the good things in your life, no matter how mundane they are.
2) Read the list every morning and at bedtime.
3) And as more good things in your life pop into your awareness, add them to the list.

By doing this everyday, you will be programming your mind to focus on the positive. And by doing so, you will bring more positive things into your life.

Thanks,
Al A. Gammate

Thankyou.
 
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Sketcher

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I know being a Christian doesn't make everything better but it shouldn't be this difficult either.
I feel like I literally can not trust God--I feel He doesn't have my best interest at heart just what He wants.

I didn't get into my program (rejected)
struggling in poverty
toxic parents ( Tried to move out but there's always a block. Not lazy by any means)
No friends ( from as long as I can remember I've always been alone and lonely no one really stuck with me from school, college years, not in church no matter how friendly i am. It just doesn't work out.

My son's health issues
My own mental issues getting worse
Bad church experience
God's silence from the time I was saved to now..

Idk I feel like no matter what I do it's destined to fail. I truly feel like a Lazarus Archetype-- I'm just meant to tread wih my head above water until I die and then and only then will things get better. Sucks but I feel this is my cross to bear bc no matter how hard I work nothing comes together, I pray get no answers.

Idk I just have zero faith that God will do anything for me except what He wants which seems to be nothing. I just can't trust God because of this. I also dont have much self esteem or belief in myself because of this.
I hear you. There's plenty in my life where I have not been very blessed either.

I've had to look at what he did give me, along with what he didn't, and thank him for what I do have. Among other things, it helps give me a more balanced view of things.

God does in fact love me, and he loves you as well. As for what we can trust him to do for us, there's what Scripture promises every Christian, and then there's everything else which isn't promised, though some may be blessed in certain areas above and beyond that. If it's not promised, we shouldn't allow ourselves to have to depend on it, because it is above and beyond. We can and should supplicate, but God will do what he wants to do. And yes, he still is worth following. In the eternal scheme of things, there is no better choice than he, nor is there a second best.
 
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Going_Nowhere

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To the OP: If it makes you feel any better, I have similar feelings about my life. The struggles and problems I face are a little different than yours. But I can definitely relate to the feeling that things are never going to improve. That's why I picked Going_Nowhere as my username....because I'm going nowhere in life.


So at least you don't have to suffer alone.
 
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Matt5

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I know being a Christian doesn't make everything better but it shouldn't be this difficult either.
I feel like I literally can not trust God--I feel He doesn't have my best interest at heart just what He wants.

I didn't get into my program (rejected)
struggling in poverty
toxic parents ( Tried to move out but there's always a block. Not lazy by any means)
No friends ( from as long as I can remember I've always been alone and lonely no one really stuck with me from school, college years, not in church no matter how friendly i am. It just doesn't work out.

My son's health issues
My own mental issues getting worse
Bad church experience
God's silence from the time I was saved to now..

Idk I feel like no matter what I do it's destined to fail. I truly feel like a Lazarus Archetype-- I'm just meant to tread wih my head above water until I die and then and only then will things get better. Sucks but I feel this is my cross to bear bc no matter how hard I work nothing comes together, I pray get no answers.

Idk I just have zero faith that God will do anything for me except what He wants which seems to be nothing. I just can't trust God because of this. I also dont have much self esteem or belief in myself because of this.

I'm guessing your parents have mental health issues too. So you started off in life on a sucky path. Your decisions probably just dug the hole deeper. Now you're mad and fed up.

If you're on welfare then don't you have some resources available to you? I'm thinking mental health and job counselling. Start with mental health. Get a handle on this and do what it takes to improve your situation.

Job counselling should focus on (less expensive) job training, not getting a job. There are no good jobs for you without training. But first you need to take some tests.

I really think you need to take an IQ test to figure out where you are. Then you need to take one or more tests to figure out what kind of job would might be good at. Then, armed with that information, you need to figure out what kind of job you might like and could actually do given a 1 or 2 year training program. You would then need to figure out how to do a realistic training program. This isn't going to help if no one in your area is hiring for the type of job you train for. Better think about that.

Don't rack up expensive student loans. Period. That just digs your hole deeper. Look for help from a community college. What does it have to help you? Leverage cheapie help, like state training programs.

In conclusion, get mental health help first. Second, take some tests to access your situation. Third, focus on state training programs and/or community college help, not expensive private training programs.
 
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Neostarwcc

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I know being a Christian doesn't make everything better but it shouldn't be this difficult either.
I feel like I literally can not trust God--I feel He doesn't have my best interest at heart just what He wants.

I didn't get into my program (rejected)
struggling in poverty
toxic parents ( Tried to move out but there's always a block. Not lazy by any means)
No friends ( from as long as I can remember I've always been alone and lonely no one really stuck with me from school, college years, not in church no matter how friendly i am. It just doesn't work out.

My son's health issues
My own mental issues getting worse
Bad church experience
God's silence from the time I was saved to now..

Idk I feel like no matter what I do it's destined to fail. I truly feel like a Lazarus Archetype-- I'm just meant to tread wih my head above water until I die and then and only then will things get better. Sucks but I feel this is my cross to bear bc no matter how hard I work nothing comes together, I pray get no answers.

Idk I just have zero faith that God will do anything for me except what He wants which seems to be nothing. I just can't trust God because of this. I also dont have much self esteem or belief in myself because of this.

You're not alone. I've had a very horrible life myself from the very moment I was born. When I was born I was born with birth asphyxia and completely was blue for several minutes. The lack of oxygen to my brain killed off several important brain cells and as a result I developed schizophrenia and possibly Aspergers (it was never confirmed they didn't have Autistic tests like they do today in the 80's) from a very young age, I'm very "slow" compared to the worlds standards and I didn't learn how to dress myself until I was a teenager (Not kidding), I didn't learn how to walk and talk until several years after I was supposed to, I had difficulty learning how to read and how to learn how to speak English let alone the French classes I was taking (I was born in Canada and my parents wanted my sister and I to be Bilingual) I always had learning disabilities and had to be taught one on one in a group setting to even just barely pass with my GED. I completely flunked college because I couldn't keep up with the advanced Algebra and English classes let alone the Calculus III I was supposed to pass. I didn't get married until I was almost 30 years old and my wife and I at most times do not get along and she completely takes advantage of me. My wife and I have been childless for years and have been waiting for God's miracle to affect our lives but, it does cause a lot of friction in our marriage. My wife has lost all hope and I hope and believe God will bless us one day.

I've also have issues with fine motor skills because of what happened. I can barely squeeze at all and I have a hard time walking. My mother told me I have mild cerebral palsy but I've seen people with CP before. I don't quite walk that badly. When I walk, I don't walk normally though. I was teased throughout my life constantly for that.

I've had zero friends my entire life as well. Up until I met my wife I literally only had my mother as a friend or somebody to talk to. My sister wanted nothing to do with me because she was Mrs. Popularity and was highly popular in school. She was born with stunningly good looks and always had my Father's love and attention. My Father virtually cared nothing for me and regretted that I was born (Not made up he's told me several times over the course of my life). My Father constantly physically and verbally abused me from the time I was a child up until I moved out and started living with my wife. Nobody liked me in school because I was slow and weird and not to mention ugly. I can't say in here what my nickname in school was because it's highly vulgar and sexual in nature.

My entire teenagehood to late adult hood I spent constantly trying to get my Father's approval and attention which, never came. I'm now almost 35 years old and I still don't have it, nor will I probably ever. I acted out in school and got expelled from school twice. Once for pushing a teacher into a desk and once for threatening to kill a teacher who was quite verbally abusive. I don't even know how many detentions and suspensions I got. I was in detention nearly every day from elementary to high school. I was probably suspended from school over 250 times. Wouldn't surprise me.

I "shaped" up when I turned 16 because my parents said they couldn't keep me out of Jail anymore. But in young adulthood I turned to Fraud to attempt to please my Father because I thought if I had an income coming in he would be happy and proud but, he wasn't. My parents never knew what I was doing to make money until I was caught and spent a few years in prison.

But, when I turned 27 shortly before I met my wife, Christ reached his arms out to me. I didn't look for him, I was perfectly content where my life was heading and going but he found me and I completely turned my life around. I am a living breathing example that despite how horrible your life is, you still have God and God was there for you each and everyday you were alive.

Instead of cursing the world and hating being born I am glad I was born and I love the World. Despite still suffering this day everyday of my life I still have a positive outlook on life and I praise God for each and every day I'm alive. Because, I know what's waiting for me when this is all over and I SO look forward to going back to heaven and experiencing all of those things I experienced. Forever.

My advice to you is, God is real. He does exist. He's been there for you each and every day of your life. When you came to God it was not on your own volition, your faith is from God. God chose you and loves you more than you can even imagine and one day, along with the rest of us you will fully realize and comprehend that my words to you are the truth. He exists and he loves you more than you and I could possibly imagine.
 
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ReesePiece23

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I have a feeling that this is going to be a crucial turning point. You're fully awake to what it is happening - which means that you can act with open eyes. It might not seem like it now, but it's about to become easier. When you know what it IS you need, it becomes a lot less difficult to find.

Even if I weren't Christian I'd say the same thing. Reaching out for help is always the first sign of a definite change. Just don't become overwhelmed, let people lend you a hand - use your resources like Citizen's Advice (do you have that in the US?) and keep asking questions.

How much does God intervene with worldly issues? I honestly don't know (it'd be an interesting topic though) but I DO know that He set everything up for you to access and use at your disposal. This forum is an example of that.

Hopefully, my cryptic post makes sense in a year or two. It probably doesn't now.


*Side note: failures like not getting onto a program are just a whittling process. It's one step closer to the path you were destined to be on. Sorry for such a banal cliche but it's an accurate one.
 
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Sister please hear me w an open mind. You are been trained to be a soldier. Your words here I use to use and I felt the same way till I realized I was been trained. You are special not forgotten. Please reach out to me. Friend. Sister.
In the name of all things holy and known to be good and positive.
Angel
Cruise Control

I know being a Christian doesn't make everything better but it shouldn't be this difficult either.
I feel like I literally can not trust God--I feel He doesn't have my best interest at heart just what He wants.

I didn't get into my program (rejected)
struggling in poverty
toxic parents ( Tried to move out but there's always a block. Not lazy by any means)
No friends ( from as long as I can remember I've always been alone and lonely no one really stuck with me from school, college years, not in church no matter how friendly i am. It just doesn't work out.

My son's health issues
My own mental issues getting worse
Bad church experience
God's silence from the time I was saved to now..

Idk I feel like no matter what I do it's destined to fail. I truly feel like a Lazarus Archetype-- I'm just meant to tread wih my head above water until I die and then and only then will things get better. Sucks but I feel this is my cross to bear bc no matter how hard I work nothing comes together, I pray get no answers.

Idk I just have zero faith that God will do anything for me except what He wants which seems to be nothing. I just can't trust God because of this. I also dont have much self esteem or belief in myself because of this.
I know being a Christian doesn't make everything better but it shouldn't be this difficult either.
I feel like I literally can not trust God--I feel He doesn't have my best interest at heart just what He wants.

I didn't get into my program (rejected)
struggling in poverty
toxic parents ( Tried to move out but there's always a block. Not lazy by any means)
No friends ( from as long as I can remember I've always been alone and lonely no one really stuck with me from school, college years, not in church no matter how friendly i am. It just doesn't work out.

My son's health issues
My own mental issues getting worse
Bad church experience
God's silence from the time I was saved to now..

Idk I feel like no matter what I do it's destined to fail. I truly feel like a Lazarus Archetype-- I'm just meant to tread wih my head above water until I die and then and only then will things get better. Sucks but I feel this is my cross to bear bc no matter how hard I work nothing comes together, I pray get no answers.

Idk I just have zero faith that God will do anything for me except what He wants which seems to be nothing. I just can't trust God because of this. I also dont have much self esteem or belief in myself because of this.
 
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Irminhart

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Do not waver, the Lord shall not falter.

I understand your doubts, so I hope what I'm about to tell you will help you. I also hope this will help me as well. But before I continue, I would like to say that you can choose to be believe my story or not. If you do or don't it's ok. I would just like to give advice and a perspective that I believe will help, not to be prideful or anything. But, here is my story and opinion on what can help.

I had a quite a rough childhood growing up. As most other humans have. I was born and raised in a single parent household. My mother raised me. I never knew my biological father, nor do I know him now. Nor does she know, so she says. My mother & grandmother were the only present in my life as my aunt lived in another state. My mother spent time with me when she could, but I was mostly raised by babysitters my time with her. For a long time, I resented her for that. But, I've come to let that go some few years ago now. I have current contact with as I have for some time. I am twenty-four years of age by the way. Sorry, I am getting off track now. I am an introvert always have been. But I always loved playing with other kids. I didn't have much friends growing up, or ever for that matter. I was a far kinder person when I was a child. Hate and anger has hardened my heart, but God is softening it. When I was fours years of age, I had to go into foster care for one year. After that year, I was in my mothers custody. At the age of five close to age six, I was a molested by a family friend who was my best friends sister and babysitter at that time. She was sixteen years of age. Which has affected me to this day. I had started masturbating at a very young age. Lust & masturbation have damaged my life in so many aspects. I never told my mother until fairly recently. But that's over and done with now. At age seven, I went back into foster care. The reason, I can not say. I wish to protect my mothers honor. As that is her story to tell and not my own. One day I was in school, got called to the office, and was picked up by a social worker who told me I won't be living with my mother anymore and brought me to a shelter home in a town miles away from where I lived. He was a kind man, one of my favorite case workers that I had. I had a few case workers over the years of my time in the foster system. At that shelter I experienced bullying constantly. The children their were very hostile. But, I came to understand that they were bitter like I was. Angry and filled with hate as I later came fo be. I stayed at that shelter for three to six months and did not attend school. Later asked my case manger to leave because it wasn't someplace I felt safe nor comfortable. I was a very emotional person for some time. Didn't really toughen up emotionally until around thirteen year's old. Eventually, I went back to the first foster shelter I stayed in when I was four.

I lived there for another several months until I was taken in by my foster mother for a time, who I will call Karen (obvious satire). I lived with Ms Karen for two years from age eight to ten. Wasn't a very good relationship. I wasn't a perfect child, I had my issue's of my own. I lied at times to her, didn't do well in school, didn't obey everything she told me etc... During my time with her I experienced verbal and physical abuse weekly, sometimes daily when she was off from work. She too wasn't around all the time. So, I had babysitters once again. There were times we would stay at her sisters place, and her neices would lie on me and say I said and or did mean things to them without any proof. She would then beat me. Awhile enduring bullying by kids at my school and children at the local playground by our home. Very rough years of my life. In that time when I was with her, there was an instance at school when I was a bully. Something, I am very not proud of. There was a girl in my class who I call Susan. Almost everyone bullied her. My friends, the very few that I had, also joined in on the bullying. I later did as well. When most people stopped, my friends included, I continued for a short while. My friends stopped talking to be as much. I realized, how horrible of a person I am. How can I, someone who has endured bullying earlier in my childhood resort to bullying. Becoming the very people I disliked for so long. It's simple really. I lacked God, love within me, and I was insecure. Something that still bothers me now. I try to remember this instance now when passing judgements on others, or when others pass judgements on me. I currently work customer service, which I won't be for long since I now have a new job. But dealing with customers is not my thing. I deal with ignorant people everyday that I work. Hearing people say and do moronic things hours on end will drive you crazy. It's annoying seeing it in public as well. But, who am I to judge? Who am I? A person who is weak in faith. A person who's own foolishness and ignorance has hurt others as well as myself. A person who has told lies. A person who has not known God and is far from him. In short, who am? Also, how can I an ignorant hypocritical sinner, judge any other human. I am no one, and I cant. I would end up apologizing to Susan to which we made up and became friends. In the second year of my staying with Karen, I left to live and be adopted by another family. Before then, in the beginning of that second year Karen and I moved to a house in the city where her sister lived. I also transferred schools. An instance that occurred a month after my 10th birthday, would change my time with Ms Karen. One night she was very upset with me. I was doing poor in school and I messed up the laundry later in the day after school when we were at the laundry mat. I also hit her in the head by mistake when I was opening the door to get the last of our stuff. When we got home, she told me to drop everything and get my backpack. We then went to her sisters house. She had me sit at the table and do work. She yelled at me the entire time. Her mother, sister, and niece's were all in the house and present. At which point she went upstairs to her sisters room and got a handful of belts. She had me stand up and remove my shirt. She then got behind me and starting beating me. She was hitting my back, arms, butt, as well as my thighs. I was crying in pain the entire time. Her mother, sister and niece's all watched her beat me. Afterwards, she made me go to bed. I couldn't stop crying. I tried to lay on my side to avoid the pain, but she forced me to lay on my back. She also told me if I didn't stop crying, she would beat me again. The next morning in the bathroom getting ready for school, I looked at my back when taking off my clothes to change. My entire back was black, blue, and purple. I couldn't even see a bit of my complexion on my back. Also had parts of my arms and thighs look the same. I privately showed my teacher who sent me to the nurse. The nurse was with me for hours until the police came and brought me to the hospital to take pictures and create a case and have records. My case worker had contacted a family who I stayed with for a month when Susan went on vacation to a wedding and didn't want to bring me to stay with them. They agreed to it. There were many kids that they have adopted prior to me. That was my home and family for nine years.

This relationship was not good either. But, I have come to understand and accept that I could have taken alternative actions to have improved our relationship. I have tried many times, but I don't believe I tried hard enough nor thought of the many different ways I could have handled situations. There were things that they have said and did which I did not like. But, I too have said and done harsh things in my time there. I don't want to make it seem as if I am always in the right, and the people I am speaking about are always in the wrong. I believe it's important to clarify before I move forward. That being said, sorry for this long and drawn out post that I could have probably summarized. Personally, I don't like to leave out details as I believe there are examples that can help with an overall perspective. Well, within almost a year I was adopted by this family. I didn't want to be adopted, but at ten years of age, what would you have done? I'm not going to go through an entire nine years but I'll try to keep this one short. I endured bullying all my nine years there. At home, and at school. In middle school, and in high school. I was never a "cool" kid. I didn't get along with my fellow adoptive siblings to begin with. There were always arguments. Not just with me, but between others. There was 11 of us. One of my brothers, who I will call John, hated me for some reason. He was bipolar and extremely manipulative. In the month when I first settled into the household, I didn't go to school right away. When I eventually started attending the same school as John and our younger brother who I will call Greg, he had already spread lies about me. He told people my mother died, that I'm mentally slow, that I'm gay, and that my genitals are tiny. Not of which are true. But still hurtful at the time. He also made fun of my weight at the time. despite being very overweight himself at that point in time. He called me a problem child and all sorts of names. This happened for all nine years of my stay. I told my parents he was always bothering me and we had argued all the time so they knew. But all they did was talk to him and tell me to ignore him. My parents are also entrepreneurs, both having their businesses. They were never really home. My older siblings looked after us. After all, none of us were allowed outside the home unless they were at home. So basically, none of us had much of a social life outside of school if any. I resented them for never spending time with me. I've had asked them multiple times can we spend time together. They gave me the same replies everytime. It was either they were too busy, tired, or they could sometime in the future. But never did. I became more hateful that they would tell me this, yet, they would attend events my other brothers had and but never mine. In the three years I played HS football, they went to 3 games. Why would someone adopt so many children and not habe time for them? Far too many parents do this. Have kids and push them away with video games, tv, and scholastics. I do indeed understand they were busy, but time is important. They didn't give me any. I mentioned this, and they always forgot. I mentioned to them why I was unhappy with them. Every time we would have the conversation again, they forgot all the reasons I told them before. It hurt my heart. A lifetime of neglect and brokenness is all I had ever known, and believed I would ever know. My adoptive parents are Christian and very religious. They would constantly shove their faith onto us which annoyed me. When I started living with this family, I started to become more angry and hateful. Feelings that I've held prior to living there. So not necessarily their fault. During my time with my adoptive family I was quite a militant atheist. Despite believing in God and wanting him deep down. I insulted my parent's faith, their character, blasphemed, and hated the Church. I hated how they would always talk about God and force us to go to church. We argued all the time about Christianity and faith. I them and everyone around. My father told me I don't know what love is and I need to stop hating God. How dare he tell me such a thing. How dare he a hypocritical sinner who has neglected me tell me about love. Love you say? How can one love when one has abused, humiliated, molested, and neglected. For so long I have felt forsaken by God. But in truth, he was right. I didn't know love, and struggle to now. They kicked me out of the house, understandably why. Reasons being I didn't respect them and didn't share their faith. Understandable for the former, not the latter. I didn't respect them because they didn't respect me. The excuse I told myself years ago. Even if I may have not gotten respect, it was not excuse to retaliate in the same manner. Well I left the house and lived on my own. I had a college scholarship and went to community college. It was a scholarship given to adoptive children in CT, they recently ended the program I believe. Anyways, I messed up the money I was getting monthly. Dropped out college and got a job doing fast food. Later became homeless. Slept on a bench at the bus station for six months. During this time, I was at the worst I had ever been. How I managed? God! Though I still wasn't Christian, I had a strong feeling God was providing me all of the safety and meals which I received during that time. I live in a very poor and dangerous city. God was protecting me, that I am sure. I found a room two weeks before the bus station was going to start banning homeless people from sleeping on the benches at night when everything shuts down. My hours at the time also went up at my job. Everything worked perfectly. I was praying and asking for God to deliver, he did. For another year and a half, I struggled with my many doubts and questions. I even tried Islam for three weeks. I always knew it wasn't a religion of God deep down. I had a bad feeling entering the Mosque which I sadly brushed off. I should have trusted my gut feeling. I now feel I insulted the Lord that day. Last year in May, I asked for Christ to come into my life and change me and use me for his glory. I struggle, I have many sins and problems. I struggle with pride, lust, anger, holding grudges and many more. Our sins outnumber the sand of the sea. In thought, word, and deed. Since attending an Orthodox church for the first time, I'm excited to go each and every week. Upon asking for Christ to save me, I had never before desired God more in my life more than I do now.

Moral of the story, stay diligent! Do not waver in your faith. Do not deny Christ. God always wants to hear from you, his hand is ever out. Pray, repent, confess, go to church, receive the Eucharist and do all the things God commands. Search up lives of the saints. I recommend you read the book of Job. As well as read about St. Marina The Demon-Slayer, St. Panteleimon, St. Barbara, as well as St. Ignatius of Antioch. Their unwavering faith and zeal inspires me. I believe they'll inspire you too. God Bless you.
 
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Yours and mine suffering surely have some major meaning but we just don't understand it.

Grace And Peace, Precious friend(s). I will pray for you.
And, Please Be Very RICHLY Blessed And Encouraged! By:
"Man shall not live by bread alone, but By EVERY WORD Of God!":

Note: No, God Is Not Silent! "FAITH {NOT feelings} cometh By
hearing, And hearing By THE WORD Of God!" (Rom 10:17 KJB!)


God's "Comforting WORDS" for our infirmities

A GRACE Word BEFORE Great GRACE Departure!:

Praying Also For ALL Dear Precious Readers, That:
These Written Words Will Be A Blessed Encouragement
And Comfort To you!


God's ALL-Sufficient GRACE in infirmities

Grace And Peace to All Dear readers/diligent students of
God's Holy Word! Praying Hopefully The Following Scriptures
Will Bring God's "Peace, Hope, And Comfort" in your life in
This Current Dispensation Of The Amazing GRACE Of A
Wonderful God!:


(1) In That GRACE, God, In HIS Omniscience, Had Already
Chosen HIS Own In CHRIST, And Already Knew What
"infirmities, trouble, trials, afflictions, sufferings, And
persecutions we would go through,” And, Thank HIM, HE
"Promised" HE Will Never Give us more testing than we
can handle.
(Eph 1:4; 1 Cor 10:13 KJB!) Amen?


(2) Please:
Thank God IN {easy}, And, Also, FOR {Difficult?}, ALL things!
(1 Thess 5:18; Eph 5:20 KJB!)


(3) After Paul (our #"pattern"# for Today!), prayed 3 times
for his affliction, the "Answer he Received," According To The
Scriptures, Was:


"And HE {CHRIST} Said Unto me, MY GRACE Is Sufficient For
thee: For MY Strength Is Made Perfect in weakness. Most gladly
therefore will I rather glory {cp} in my infirmities, that The
Power Of CHRIST May Rest Upon me!"
(2 Cor 12:9 KJB!) {cp 2 Cor 11:23-30 KJB!}


(4) "For our light affliction, which Is But For A Moment, worketh
for us a Far More Exceeding And Eternal weight of glory; While
we look not at the things which are seen, but at the things
Which Are Not Seen: for the things which are seen [are]
temporal; but the things Which Are Not Seen Are Eternal!"
(2 Cor 4:17-18 KJB!)


(5) "For I reckon that The Sufferings of this PRESENT Time
are not worthy to be compared with The Glory which shall be
revealed in us. For the earnest EXPECTation of the creature
WAITeth for the manifestation of the sons of God...


...ourselves also, which have The Firstfruits Of The Spirit,
even we ourselves groan within ourselves, WAITING for
The Adoption, to wit, The Redemption Of our body!"
(Rom 8:18, 19, 23 KJB!) Blessed Hope! Amen?


(6) "Therefore being justified by faith, we have Peace with
God through our LORD JESUS CHRIST: By Whom also we
have access by faith into This GRACE Wherein we stand,
and rejoice in Hope of The Glory of God.


And not only so, but we glory {cp} in tribulations also: knowing
that tribulation worketh patience; And patience, experience;
and experience, Hope: And Hope maketh not ashamed; because
The Love Of God Is Shed Abroad in our hearts By The Holy Ghost
Which Is Given Unto us!"
(Rom 5:1-5 KJB!) {cp 2 Cor 11:23-30 KJB!}


(7!) ”And HE That Searcheth the hearts Knoweth What Is The
Mind Of The Spirit, Because HE Maketh Intercession for the
saints According To The Will Of God. Likewise The Spirit Also
Helpeth our infirmities: for we know not what we should pray
for as we ought: But The Spirit Itself Maketh Intercession
For us with groanings which cannot be uttered!”
(Rom 8:27-28 KJB!)


(8!) "Blessed Be God, Even The Father Of our LORD JESUS CHRIST,
The Father Of Mercies, And The God of ALL Comfort; Who Comforteth
us in All our tribulation, that we may be able to comfort them which
are in any trouble, by the comfort wherewith we ourselves Are
Comforted Of God!"
(2 Cor 1:3-4 KJB!)


(9!) Please, always be “watching, Patiently waiting And Looking
For” That Blessed HOPE, The Imminent Return Of our LORD To
Take us Home To HEAVEN, In GLORIFICATION! {Thus, ENDING
ALL of our "infirmities, trouble, trials, afflictions, sufferings, And
persecutions!”}
(Eph 6:18; 1 Cor 15:51-57; 2 Cor 5:1-9;
2 Thess 4:13-18 KJB!) = WONDERFUL Comfort! Amen?


(10) ”And we know That All things Work Together For Good To
them that love God, to them who Are The Called According To
HIS Purpose!”
(Rom 8:28 KJB!)


(11a) Please memorize 2 Tim 4:8 KJB!:

"Henceforth there is laid up for me a crown of righteousness,
which The LORD, The Righteous Judge, Shall Give me At That Day:
and not to me only, but unto all them also that love HIS Appearing!"


(11b) Please Prayerfully/Carefully study 1 Cor 3:8-15 KJB!,
And "know" that, At "That Day {The JUDGMENT Seat}” Of CHRIST,
In HEAVEN, ALL "good works" of loving/helping others WILL Surely
be "rewarded As gold, silver, And precious stones!" Amen?


(12) For ALL those who humbly {Believing 1 Cor 15:3-4 And
Eph 2:8-9 KJB!}, Trust CHRIST As their Personal SAVIOUR,
The Bible Says:


a): “For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of
power, and of love, and of a sound mind.”
(2 Tim 1:7 KJB!)


b): “Be careful [anxious] for nothing; but in every thing by
prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests
be made known unto God. And the PEACE Of God, Which Passeth
all understanding, Shall Keep your hearts and minds through
CHRIST JESUS.


Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are True, whatsoever
things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever
things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever
things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there
be any praise, think on these things.”
(Phi 4:6-8 KJB!)

c): # “Those things, which ye have both learned, and
received, and heard, and seen in me, [Paul!] do: # And
The God Of PEACE Shall Be With you.”
(Phi 4:9 KJB!)

-----------------------------------
Conclusion, for ALL of the “just who live BY FAITH”
{NOT feelings…}:


"For unto you It Is Given in the Behalf Of CHRIST, not only
to believe on HIM, But Also to suffer for HIS Sake"
(Phi 1:29 KJB!)
------------------------------
Again, ALL Precious friends, please:


Always Be Very RICHLY Blessed In The LORD And Saviour, JESUS CHRIST!

"To The Praise And The Glory Of HIS {Amazing} GRACE!"
 
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