Adultery in the Church

Gentle Lamb · Feb 16, 2021

I go to a small church. A couple met at the church last year and recently had a baby. Turns out one of them is married. The couple has been attending church together on and off together since they met. I am considering leaving the church due to knowing the details of the situation and seeing there is no repentance or steps towards correcting the situation (getting divorced/re-married). What is the best thing to do? It's been difficult for me to continue fellowship knowing the situation.

Albion · Feb 16, 2021

If you feel strongly about it, find another church.

And there's no need to make all your feelings about this couple public, either at the current church or one that you might join instead. But you will have followed the dictates of your conscience.

seeking.IAM · Feb 16, 2021

Good luck finding a church without an adulterer in the pew. But maybe the next time you won't know about it and can be more comfortable.

pescador · Feb 16, 2021

seeking.IAM said:
Good luck finding a church without an adulterer in the pew. But maybe the next time you won't know about it and can be more comfortable.

This is extremely cynical. There are no adulterers in my church (and being an elder I would know about them).

Also, how can you make a statement such as "maybe the next time you won't know about it and can be more comfortable"? Have you discussed your attitude with the Lord yet?

SkyWriting · Feb 16, 2021

Gentle Lamb said:
I go to a small church. A couple met at the church last year and recently had a baby. Turns out one of them is married. The couple has been attending church together on and off together since they met. I am considering leaving the church due to knowing the details of the situation and seeing there is no repentance or steps towards correcting the situation (getting divorced/re-married). What is the best thing to do? It's been difficult for me to continue fellowship knowing the situation.

You don't "know" if one is married. You don't "Know" they are living together. You don't "know" if they go to other churches. You don't KNOW any of the details. You don't KNOW if the child is theirs or stolen.
You are free to act, though you KNOW nothing. God Knows.

aiki · Feb 16, 2021

Gentle Lamb said:
I go to a small church. A couple met at the church last year and recently had a baby. Turns out one of them is married. The couple has been attending church together on and off together since they met.

1 Corinthians 5:6
6 Your boasting is not good. Do you not know that a little leaven leavens the whole lump of dough?

1 Corinthians 5:9-13
9 I wrote you in my letter not to associate with immoral people;
10 I did not at all mean with the immoral people of this world, or with the covetous and swindlers, or with idolaters, for then you would have to go out of the world.
11 But actually, I wrote to you not to associate with any so-called brother if he is an immoral person, or covetous, or an idolater, or a reviler, or a drunkard, or a swindler—not even to eat with such a one.
12 For what have I to do with judging outsiders? Do you not judge those who are within the church?
13 But those who are outside, God judges. REMOVE THE WICKED MAN FROM AMONG YOURSELVES.

If the leadership in your church will not deal with the sin in which this couple is indulging, challenge the leadership about their inaction and accommodation of "leaven" in the church.

Psalm 50:16-21
16 But to the wicked God says, "What right have you to tell of My statutes And to take My covenant in your mouth?
17 "For you hate discipline, And you cast My words behind you.
18 "When you see a thief, you are pleased with him, And you associate with adulterers.
19 "You let your mouth loose in evil And your tongue frames deceit.
20 "You sit and speak against your brother; You slander your own mother's son.
21 "These things you have done and I kept silence; You thought that I was just like you; I will reprove you and state the case in order before your eyes.

If those who lead your church will not act to remove the leaven from it, find another church. Do not, however, simply leave, offering no explanation for your departure. You have a responsibility to the Church and to God to speak out against the "leaven" that you encounter in it.

1 Corinthians 6:9-10
9 Or do you not know that the unrighteous will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived; neither fornicators, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor effeminate, nor homosexuals,
10 nor thieves, nor the covetous, nor drunkards, nor revilers, nor swindlers, will inherit the kingdom of God.

JohnD70X7 · Feb 16, 2021

seeking.IAM said:
Good luck finding a church without an adulterer in the pew. But maybe the next time you won't know about it and can be more comfortable.

I agree. I tend to interpret Paul's admonition to expel the brother who was sleeping with his father's wife was in response to the flagrant display of it in that local congregation as an example of just how far Grace goes (no sin unforgiven except that of unbelief in Jesus...). So Paul had to make a judgment call to set as an example that we ought not look at the liberty of Grace in that way.

Rather than getting away with as much sin as possible we should rather see it as the ability not to sin and to please God (for before faith in Christ even our "righteous deeds" were as filthy rags before a Holy God see Isaiah 64:6 ← and for extra points look up just what the filthy rags Isaiah mentions actually are).

Paul later admonished the church to reinstate the man who repented of his practice. THIS is what God's grace is really about and not a license to sin. Galatians 6:1, 2 Corinthians 2:5-11

JohnD70X7 · Feb 16, 2021

But there is no such thing as a sin-free Church. We are only accredited as sinless by the blood of Jesus Christ.

bèlla · Feb 16, 2021

Every sin you can imagine is sitting in your midst. Some are more obvious. But the hidden ones are usually worse (according to society’s standards).

I recall a story someone shared about an incident at church. They were working on a project and planned to record some footage for outreach.

They gathered their materials and equipment and bowed their heads in prayer before commencement. While they prayed someone stole it. When they opened their eyes it was gone.

I was shocked when I heard it. But I was reminded of the truth I shared at the start. That wasn’t the first incident of theft and won’t be the last. It’s a consequence of brokenness. You have varying degrees of illness.

The situation should be addressed by church leadership if warranted. I’d refrain from discussing it with others or listening to hearsay. Take the matter to the Lord and seek His input.

Yours in His Service,

~bella

paul1149 · Feb 16, 2021

This is a case where the details mean everything. And there are not enough here to make a determination.

Gentle Lamb · Feb 16, 2021

aiki said:
1 Corinthians 5:6
6 Your boasting is not good. Do you not know that a little leaven leavens the whole lump of dough?

1 Corinthians 5:9-13
9 I wrote you in my letter not to associate with immoral people;
10 I did not at all mean with the immoral people of this world, or with the covetous and swindlers, or with idolaters, for then you would have to go out of the world.
11 But actually, I wrote to you not to associate with any so-called brother if he is an immoral person, or covetous, or an idolater, or a reviler, or a drunkard, or a swindler—not even to eat with such a one.
12 For what have I to do with judging outsiders? Do you not judge those who are within the church?
13 But those who are outside, God judges. REMOVE THE WICKED MAN FROM AMONG YOURSELVES.

If the leadership in your church will not deal with the sin in which this couple is indulging, challenge the leadership about their inaction and accommodation of "leaven" in the church.

Psalm 50:16-21
16 But to the wicked God says, "What right have you to tell of My statutes And to take My covenant in your mouth?
17 "For you hate discipline, And you cast My words behind you.
18 "When you see a thief, you are pleased with him, And you associate with adulterers.
19 "You let your mouth loose in evil And your tongue frames deceit.
20 "You sit and speak against your brother; You slander your own mother's son.
21 "These things you have done and I kept silence; You thought that I was just like you; I will reprove you and state the case in order before your eyes.

If those who lead your church will not act to remove the leaven from it, find another church. Do not, however, simply leave, offering no explanation for your departure. You have a responsibility to the Church and to God to speak out against the "leaven" that you encounter in it.

1 Corinthians 6:9-10
9 Or do you not know that the unrighteous will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived; neither fornicators, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor effeminate, nor homosexuals,
10 nor thieves, nor the covetous, nor drunkards, nor revilers, nor swindlers, will inherit the kingdom of God.

One of the people from the couple has actually been involved in helping to plan some church events in the past few months, despite being openly in fornication/adultery. I'm extremely bothered by the fact of that person being allowed to help plan. I know that at least one person in church leadership is allowing/enabling that person to plan church events. I've spoken up to address some concerns, however, given that I'm not the leader of the church I'm not sure how much more I should say. I have been praying also. I'm so grieved I'm just thinking about leaving at this point as this does not honor God or encourage holy living.

Albion · Feb 16, 2021

Gentle Lamb said:
One of the people from the couple has actually been involved in helping to plan some church events in the past few months, despite being openly in fornication/adultery. I'm extremely bothered by the fact of that person being allowed to help plan. I know that at least one person in church leadership is allowing/enabling that person to plan church events. I've spoken up to address some concerns, however, given that I'm not the leader of the church I'm not sure how much more I should say. I have been praying also. I'm so grieved I'm just thinking about leaving at this point as this does not honor God or encourage holy living.

It's not as though you've condoned wrongdoing or sat on your hands when you had every opportunity to correct what you consider a serious problem in the church.

Meanwhile, we're close to overlooking another consideration. That is, it is not good to have your own spiritual life disarranged in the way you report. As a result, changing to membership in another congregation would be a good move for you simply because it would permit you to resume worshipping, learning, growing in the faith, etc. without this distraction.

aiki · Feb 16, 2021

Thanks to the "seeker-sensitive" church model and the popularity of the false idea that the Church is a "hospital for the sin-sick," the Church is crowded with false brethren and the lost who bring with them lives full of "leaven," with little interest in leading the crucified life (Matthew 16:24-25; Galatians 2:20; Colossians 3:1-3), the life of holiness and sacrifice, unto which God has called all of His own. Their leaven has leavened the Church powerfully, just as Paul warned it would, so that now believers have taken up the notion that holiness is a pipe-dream, that a life largely free from sin is impossible.

When genuine believers look around their local community of believers, they see at every turn folks who are mired in all sorts of moral compromise. The resulting assumption the genuine believer often makes is that such compromised living is the norm. But what they are seeing in the Church is a degenerated, corrupt version of what is described in Scripture, created by the Church opening itself to the lost and the Satan-governed World and its assorted evil philosophies and values which the lost have embraced.

The Church is to go out into the World and preach the Gospel (Mark 16:15), not crowd itself with the World, with those who neither know nor love God. The Church is supposed to be separate from the World (2 Corinthians 6:14-18; James 4:4; Galatians 6:14; 1 John 2:15), the pure, holy Bride of Christ (Ephesians 5:25-27), shining as a light on a hill (Matthew 5:14-16), piercing the darkness of the World with God's truth, holiness and grace. Instead, the Church has taken in the sin-sick and all their "leaven" and become sin-sick itself, impotent spiritually, a dim and dying light among the lost.

Every genuine disciple of Christ is to be an evangelist, sharing the Gospel with the lost. And when they have brought the lost to a saving faith in Christ and discipled them in the basics of the faith, taking the time to see that the marks of genuine salvation are in evidence in the new believer's life, then they ought to introduce them to their brothers and sisters in Christ, the Church.

But the cult of personality, and the press for a money-making, empire-building, business-style form of Church life, and the idea that only certain paid leaders in the church are to evangelize and disciple, has fostered a version of the Church (at least in the West) where the lost are brought in to the local community of believers to hear the preacher (he's sooo amazing, you know!), and the worship team (never mind that you don't know Christ as your Saviour and Lord and cannot really properly worship Him) and to meet lots of nice people (who will never call you out on the sin that will ultimately destroy you) but never hear of their desperate need of Christ from the person who brought them.

And so, modern, western Christians look at the Bible and see in it a totally different Church from what they know. But, rather than conforming to what the Bible describes, many modern believers edit the Bible instead to make it more "relevant," which is to say, more in line with what they know as the Church: carnal, and Worldly and spiritually dead.

Ephesians 5:1-12
1 Therefore be imitators of God, as beloved children;
2 and walk in love, just as Christ also loved you and gave Himself up for us, an offering and a sacrifice to God as a fragrant aroma.
3 But immorality or any impurity or greed must not even be named among you, as is proper among saints;
4 and there must be no filthiness and silly talk, or coarse jesting, which are not fitting, but rather giving of thanks.
5 For this you know with certainty, that no immoral or impure person or covetous man, who is an idolater, has an inheritance in the kingdom of Christ and God.
6 Let no one deceive you with empty words, for because of these things the wrath of God comes upon the sons of disobedience.
7 Therefore do not be partakers with them;
8 for you were formerly darkness, but now you are Light in the Lord; walk as children of Light
9 (for the fruit of the Light consists in all goodness and righteousness and truth),
10 trying to learn what is pleasing to the Lord.
11 Do not participate in the unfruitful deeds of darkness, but instead even expose them;
12 for it is disgraceful even to speak of the things which are done by them in secret.

seeking.IAM · Feb 16, 2021

pescador said:
This is extremely cynical. There are no adulterers in my church (and being an elder I would know about them).

Also, how can you make a statement such as "maybe the next time you won't know about it and can be more comfortable"? Have you discussed your attitude with the Lord yet?

I submit it is not cynical but based upon a different life experience. I am a marriage and family therapist. People tell me things. I often deal with the wounds from adultery. I am sometimes surprised who is doing what to whom. People you would never suspect more often than you would ever expect. It is more often a well-kept secret than public knowledge.

My point is that OP is upset because of knowledge. In truth, we are around it all the time, but usually we do not know so it causes us no discomfort.

Sketcher · Feb 16, 2021

Gentle Lamb said:
I go to a small church. A couple met at the church last year and recently had a baby. Turns out one of them is married. The couple has been attending church together on and off together since they met. I am considering leaving the church due to knowing the details of the situation and seeing there is no repentance or steps towards correcting the situation (getting divorced/re-married). What is the best thing to do? It's been difficult for me to continue fellowship knowing the situation.

If one of them is already married, then getting divorced and re-married isn't a correction, it's a continuation of the sin (Matthew 5:32, Matthew 19:9).

Is the pastor aware of this?

com7fy8 · Feb 16, 2021

Gentle Lamb said:
I go to a small church.

I think you can talk with the pastor.

Gentle Lamb · Feb 18, 2021

paul1149 said:
This is a case where the details mean everything. And there are not enough here to make a determination.

Further details : One of the people from the couple is actually a friend of mine that began coming to the church through my own invitation and was becoming an active member of the church up until a few weeks/months before meeting the person they have the adulterous relationship with. Our friendship has suffered and I'm having serious difficulty processing this adulterous relationship mentally.... Even if it were fornication it would still be bad, though it can more easily be corrected than adultery. Am I wrong not to want to have that person close to me as a friend given the choices this person has made knowingly? Given that we're such a small assembly I'm seriously grieved at the way the adultery is going along in the church. They come to church together, sit together and it's boggling my mind that everything is carrying on like this. At least I think to myself if they want to do their adultery why not leave it outside of church? Bringing it into the church doesn't cause God to bless them or make them holy. I am having such a hard time with this. Especially because my friend has been allowed to plan church activities while being in this adulterous situation.

paul1149 · Feb 18, 2021

I still am hesitant to judge this situation. The state of the marriage, whether your elders know what's going on - you may have explicated these things and I may have missed them, but they can be critical.

In general though, this situation invokes deep consideration into the general state of the church. The NT church was more or less a cohesive unit, despite its problems. When that cohesion was violated there were consequences, as the story of Ananias and Sapphira dramatically shows. Today it's not that way, and any church that takes a stand risks a defamation suit. Perilous times, indeed.

I would commend to you two chapters: 1Cor 5 and Matthew 18. In Matthew, the protocol is given for dealing with a sinning brother. In 1Cor, Paul deals with an openly sinning brother that hasn't been disciplined.

I wrote you in my letter not to associate with immoral people; I [did] not at all [mean] with the immoral people of this world, or with the covetous and swindlers, or with idolaters, for then you would have to go out of the world. But actually, I wrote to you not to associate with any so-called brother if he is an immoral person, or covetous, or an idolater, or a reviler, or a drunkard, or a swindler--not even to eat with such a one. For what have I to do with judging outsiders? Do you not judge those who are within [the church?] But those who are outside, God judges. REMOVE THE WICKED MAN FROM AMONG YOURSELVES. - 1Co 5:9-13

Sorry if I've missed this, but have you talked to the elders about this? You could bring it up in general terms without mentioning names, to ascertain what they think about situations like this.

Gentle Lamb · Feb 18, 2021

paul1149 said:
I still am hesitant to judge this situation. The state of the marriage, whether your elders know what's going on - you may have explicated these things and I may have missed them, but they can be critical.

In general though, this situation invokes deep consideration into the general state of the church. The NT church was more or less a cohesive unit, despite its problems. When that cohesion was violated there were consequences, as the story of Ananias and Sapphira dramatically shows. Today it's not that way, and any church that takes a stand risks a defamation suit. Perilous times, indeed.

I would commend to you two chapters: 1Cor 5 and Matthew 18. In Matthew, the protocol is given for dealing with a sinning brother. In 1Cor, Paul deals with an openly sinning brother that hasn't been disciplined.

I wrote you in my letter not to associate with immoral people; I [did] not at all [mean] with the immoral people of this world, or with the covetous and swindlers, or with idolaters, for then you would have to go out of the world. But actually, I wrote to you not to associate with any so-called brother if he is an immoral person, or covetous, or an idolater, or a reviler, or a drunkard, or a swindler--not even to eat with such a one. For what have I to do with judging outsiders? Do you not judge those who are within [the church?] But those who are outside, God judges. REMOVE THE WICKED MAN FROM AMONG YOURSELVES. - 1Co 5:9-13

Sorry if I've missed this, but have you talked to the elders about this? You could bring it up in general terms without mentioning names, to ascertain what they think about situations like this.

Yes I have spoken up about this to the leadership and had also spoken to my friend about repentance and restoring right relationship with God before I realized that the pregnancy wasn't accidental and the friend wanted to remain in the relationship. This is also actually coming on the heels of someone who was also an active member of the church who was also a department leader, who was just recently exposed as being an adulteress, actively targeting and sleeping with as many men in the church as possible. One of the men was a someone I dated very briefly. I understand your not wanting to judge the situation. It's a sad situation but the grown-ups are responsible for their own actions. I am just considering what I personally should do. Am I wrong to not want to have that friend of mine, who is now caught in adultery, as a friend anymore? This friend is a person I met in church who was active in that church where we met. Also I am so deeply disturbed at everything that has occurred, my mind can't quite comprehend it all. That's why I am seeking advice here about possibly leaving.

Gentle Lamb · Feb 18, 2021

The church leadership doesn't condone adultery but nobody can force them to live holy lives. I think they've just been encouraging them to keep coming to church, I guess in hopes that the Holy Spirit will convict them. But I'm just disturbed at everything in the meantime. I don't understand why someone in adultery should be allowed/encouraged/enabled to plan church activities?

Adultery in the Church

"Let there be sheep!"

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that your faith might rest in the power of God

"Let there be sheep!"

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"Let there be sheep!"

that your faith might rest in the power of God

"Let there be sheep!"

"Let there be sheep!"

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