I Desperately Need Advice from Christians

PrincessLDG · Jan 20, 2021

Junia said:
This is heartbreakingt

they 're presenting to you a false gospel

A gospel.which says God is a tyrant who will punish you with rape for making any kind of mistake????

this is emotional abuse

I don't throw that term around lightly. I grew up in similar home and it caused so much harm

your parents may mean well but they are going about it all.wrong

BIblically, once a child came of age they were to leave their parents as maybe cleave (marry) if they wanted to. Or inn the case of women back then, many had to. . Nowadays women get a choice

parents can advise but they don't run your life for you.

Seems a good idea to move out

as you are being abused, you may be able to access some support through housing department

I feel they mean well and is going about it the wrong way as well. It is hard making friends.

PrincessLDG · Jan 20, 2021

Junia said:
I

Fair enough but maybe better for the OP to go to live somewhere and get some independence and decide on a career or college before marriage unless she already feels ready and feels this guy is right for her

But if course the young man should get to meet her uncle and see whether he meets approval, because the young lady is living with her uncle still. If she were living away from home then that's different

Do you like this young man as more than a friend op?

I like him as a friend. I don't think he likes me in that way either. However, my family says the contrary because we would text each other everyday and because I would get upset when they talked negatively about him. They even would say things when I would smile when reading his messages. Oh my.

I haven't talked to him for a little while since my family doesn't want us communicating. He has respected my family's wishes by not talking to me. However, he told his friend to tell me that he is not going to give up thinking of a way to speak to me. I am not sure what he is going to do or meant by that. He also said he really missed talking to me and I miss talking to him as well.

mama2one · Jan 20, 2021

move out as soon as you're able as it's not healthy living with parents forever

two of my sisters lived with parents for years & years
neither married & both lived sheltered lives

PrincessLDG · Jan 20, 2021

mama2one said:
move out as soon as you're able as it's not healthy living with parents forever

two of my sisters lived with parents for years & years
neither married & both lived sheltered lives

Yeah, I know it can be unhealthy. That is sad to hear that about your sisters. No one should have to live like that.

Rescued One · Jan 24, 2021

mama2one said:
move out as soon as you're able as it's not healthy living with parents forever

two of my sisters lived with parents for years & years
neither married & both lived sheltered lives

Why do you consider it unhealthy?

Jaxxi · Jan 24, 2021

PrincessLDG said:
I am 21 years old about to be 22 next month. I have been going through some tough things with my family so far because I made friends with a Christian male. However, there have been issues with my family long before when I was a child, and before I was born. They weren't as angry before as they are now. I don't understand it. They tell me that it is a sin to be friends with the opposite gender. They said God is against it and I must obey or God will deal with me severely. We are not in a relationship. We don't even hang out. We would just communicate via phone or email. He's never been inappropriate with me. He treats me as God would want a male to treat a female. We are mutual friends. They were accusing him and his family of things which blew my mind. I feel they are just paranoid about things due to their past experiences and from the stories they heard. Everyone in the world is not out to harm people. Yes, God does want us to be wise and safe. I feel they are going overboard and that is not healthy. When they said those things about my male friend and his family, it hurt me and made me upset. I said some things to them that I shouldn't have said and I apologize to them and God. I can't just sit back and let people say horrible things about others and agree with that or just forget about people. My uncle told me I had to choose between my friend or my relationship with him. That sounds crazy to me. Another family member said I wanted boyfriends and God is going to allow one day where I get raped just because I said when I graduate college I'm moving out due to my toxic family. I can't even process that. I am stunned. Some other things have been going on in my family that is not good that is relating to other things that happened between other relatives years ago. They got upset when my friend's father wanted to talk to me over the phone about what helps out with acid reflux since his son told him about my condition. His father said if I didn't feel comfortable talking to him over the phone, I could talk to his wife or his wife could talk to my mother, which is reasonable. My mom didn't want to talk over the phone. I don't have a father and the only father figure that I have is my uncle. He didn't want to talk to him. What is wrong with getting advice from someone kind enough to give it. They forced me to text my friend and tell him that they said I cannot talk to him because it's a sin. I told them that the things that they said about him and his family were unreasonable and mean. I told them that I don't agree with them about God being against being mutual friends with the opposite gender as long as it's appropriate. God is against fornication; however, that is not the case here. I told them I don't think I can stop talking to him since we have been friends for a while, especially when he has not done anything wrong to me or them. They called me a sociopath for saying that. They said I am too connected to him. They never said things like that to me before. I love my family; however, there are a lot of things don't like about them. They are breaking my heart greatly. I am starting to feel like a horrible person due to what they have said to me. I have been told that I am not saved by God. I have been told that I am arrogant, stuck up, think I know everything, that I take up for other people, and other horrible things. I am shocked by those things. I also heard remarks about me being perfect. It seems like people say those things to me just because I haven't been in a relationship with a guy before and fallen pregnant like many people in my immediate family. My family also tells me the reason why you have not gotten yourself into trouble is because of us. No, by the grace of God and by God using the ways to help. I am thankful for them for that and for supporting me. Many kids grew up in good Christian families who didn't want to follow after God. At the end of the day, the child has to make a choice. I made a choice that I wanted to serve God many years ago. Yes, I'm not perfect, but deep down I want to do what is right in God's eyes. I sometimes feel like they think I must be a certain way that makes me think that I have to be perfect. When I do something wrong or get upset, I'm not saved. There is no perfect Christian out there. There are Christians who are more righteous than others. We all have things that we need God's help to improve. Here's another thing. When I get upset I would say Oh my gosh, Oh my word, or Dadgummit. My uncle said saying oh my gosh is bad but he says oh my goodness. I don't understand. I would not dare use God's name in vain. There are times when I do get upset and say things and I would ask God for forgiveness and apologize to the person with whom I got upset. I just can't stand back and let people say horrible things about others without knowing them first or just forget about people. I am not heartless. I also have a female friend who happens to be a Mormon. They call her evil and say I should not talk to her because she's not a Christian. I know that religion is not right, but Jesus can lead people from that religion if they are searching for the truth. I wonder what God thinks of this. I feel very sad. I am not an argumentive person but I do speak up for things I don't agree with. I feel like crying right now.

Awww honey this is sad! Your family is emotionally abusive and toxic at this point! I am sorry to say that but you are a good girl. You have a good head on your shoulders and they need to trust the fact that they raised you right and now you are an adult. The only thing that worries me about you moving out is that you sound extremely sheltered and the real world might be a big shock for you. The level of sin you can encounter walking from your house to a corner store is crazy. You might hear lots of profanity, see people doing drugs, encounter people shoplifting, these are everyday normal things that arent right, but are very common. Your family needs to understand they cannot trap you forever and moving out is probably best because you cannot live your life like that. It is not a sin to talk to a man or go to dinner and it is not a sin to hold hands and kiss someone. That is not fornication.

PrincessLDG · Jan 24, 2021

A couple of days ago my friend told me that his dad wanted to talk to my mom to work something out. I asked her, and she didn't want to talk. She was a bit upset but not like she was in the begging. My uncle didn't want to talk to his dad either. He was a bit upset with me as well.

He makes it seem like I am choosing my friend over my family. That is not true what so ever! I don't want to hurt any side. I want to continue being friends with my friend and still love my family. I should not have to choose. He said that he doesn't condone male and females being friends.

I told him that my friend was not trying to date me or trying to "talk" to me in that way. He is a friendly person. I think his friendliness toward me got mistaken for trying to talk to me in that way. My mom said that she felt we liked each other because we text each other every day. Oh my.

He said he didn't want to give up being my friend and I told him the same thing. We have so much in common. it's amazing! I don't want to throw our friendship away. My uncle said he taught me the truth and I am choosing the world in some way and said do what I want. This bothers me. They make it seem like they are losing me and that I am changing. I didn't think by me becoming friends with a guy would cause this mess.

Also, my uncle mentioned that Joseph and Mary were not friends thus it is wrong to be friends with the opposite gender. This is mind-boggling. I am truly amazed how my friend is going out his way to still try to be friends with me. I expected him to give up. He told me that he is a loyal person and don't give up on people.

I don't know him 100%. Only God does. However, from what I see, he is a person of character. He is a kind, honest, respectful person. Why can't my family see that?

PrincessLDG · Jan 25, 2021

Jaxxi said:
Awww honey this is sad! Your family is emotionally abusive and toxic at this point! I am sorry to say that but you are a good girl. You have a good head on your shoulders and they need to trust the fact that they raised you right and now you are an adult. The only thing that worries me about you moving out is that you sound extremely sheltered and the real world might be a big shock for you. The level of sin you can encounter walking from your house to a corner store is crazy. You might hear lots of profanity, see people doing drugs, encounter people shoplifting, these are everyday normal things that arent right, but are very common. Your family needs to understand they cannot trap you forever and moving out is probably best because you cannot live your life like that. It is not a sin to talk to a man or go to dinner and it is not a sin to hold hands and kiss someone. That is not fornication.

I am aware of those things that go on daily. I don't see or hear it every day, but have seen and heard those things. I don't want to leave my family, but sometimes I can get frustrated. I don't think they are trying to trap me. I know that they mean well, but some of the stuff is extreme to me. They make it seem like they are losing me because of my friend. Wow!

PrincessLDG · Jan 25, 2021

Jaxxi said:
. It is not a sin to talk to a man or go to dinner and it is not a sin to hold hands and kiss someone. That is not fornication.

Yes, I don't think it is a sin to talk to a man. In my case, I am friends with one, but my family thinks there is more to it. Sometimes I have to laugh at things. It's better to laugh than to get angry.

Jaxxi · Jan 25, 2021

PrincessLDG said:
I am aware of those things that go on daily. I don't see or hear it every day, but have seen and heard those things. I don't want to leave my family, but sometimes I can get frustrated. I don't think they are trying to trap me. I know that they mean well, but some of the stuff is extreme to me. They make it seem like they are losing me because of my friend. Wow!

Yeah and you haven't even done anything! Do you have any romantic feelings for him at all? Or is it more of a thing where you guys just get along real good and you enjoy being around him? Have you ever been allowed to talk with boys and did you go to a public school?

PrincessLDG · Jan 25, 2021

Jaxxi said:
Yeah and you haven't even done anything! Do you have any romantic feelings for him at all? Or is it more of a thing where you guys just get along real good and you enjoy being around him? Have you ever been allowed to talk with boys and did you go to a public school?

I don't have romantic feelings for him. We just get along and connect very well. No, I wasn't allowed to talk to guys when I was in school. I went to public school but got homeschooled throughout high school.

Jaxxi · Jan 25, 2021

PrincessLDG said:
Yes, I don't think it is a sin to talk to a man. In my case, I am friends with one, but my family thinks there is more to it. Sometimes I have to laugh at things. It's better to laugh than to get angry.

Sometimes but not if they are assuming you to be someone you aren't. That is insulting. Plus it is painful and it hurts your heart and your feelings that they don't have more faith in you. It's like " What kind of a person do you think I am?" My mom was like that with me when I was date raped when I was trying to save myself for marriage. She called me all kinds of names and would not understand that I did not consent to it. I did not fight him because I was scared but I did not have a choice. True I put myself in a bad situation but that did not make me the names she was calling me and making me cry. She physically assaulted me when a rape kit would have been nice, I mean I was underage and he wasn't. So I know all about toxic family and it sounds bad but that is what they are. They mean well but they belittle you and disrespect you and your choice of friends without giving you and them a loving chance. I have found that much of the time it has nothing to do with you- they don't want you making THEM look bad and they don't think you are smart enough to know how to handle yourself. That is where moving out comes in. They won't like it but they will learn to respect it. What awaits you is a new found freedom of not being told what to do all the time and not having to obey someone elses rules 24/7. You find your own path....and it is beautiful. You will come alive! I highly recommend it.
( if you hear things like " we wont help you" and " if you leave you cant come back" it is to be expected. Don't listen to it. They are just control tactics. They might get angry, help you pack, put your stuff outside, I've been through it all. Just don't let any of it bother you. Expect those things.)

Jaxxi · Jan 25, 2021

PrincessLDG said:
I don't have romantic feelings for him. We just get along and connect very well. No, I wasn't allowed to talk to guys when I was in school. I went to public school but got homeschooled throughout high school.

I had a feeling. That is hard. So your social life was squashed. Being Christian I can't believe they are so judgemental and mean about it. You are a good kid. You know that right? You deserve better honestly. At least the benefit of the doubt. ( I know you are not a child but honey I am 49 so I see you as a kid)

ViaCrucis · Jan 25, 2021

Sketcher said:
Yeah, if the churches want Christians to get married, they'll need to de-emphasize that. Two major figures in promoting that view, Joshua Harris and Rob Bell, have apostatized since then.

I knew that about Harris, but not about Bell. Or is it just mostly that Bell's views are largely seen as off-kilter? I've never particularly understood the problem some have against Bell--but then I've never read any of his work.

-CryptoLutheran

ViaCrucis · Jan 25, 2021

mama2one said:
move out as soon as you're able as it's not healthy living with parents forever

two of my sisters lived with parents for years & years
neither married & both lived sheltered lives

I'm not sure one can make a blanket statement about this, it's very context sensitive. In many cultures (modern western culture being perhaps the rare exception) it is totally normal for unmarried adult children to continue living with their parents.

But it's also true that not every family dynamic is the same, and one shouldn't subject themselves to a hostile family environment. Different situations need different solutions.

-CryptoLutheran

Sketcher · Jan 25, 2021

ViaCrucis said:
I knew that about Harris, but not about Bell. Or is it just mostly that Bell's views are largely seen as off-kilter? I've never particularly understood the problem some have against Bell--but then I've never read any of his work.

-CryptoLutheran

The Love Wins controversy a few years back is what I'm referring to (though at the time people were also saying he had been heading in that direction for years). I liked and was convicted by Erasing Hell, which was Francis Chan's and Preston Sprinkle's response to it. It's more compassionate than some would think.

ViaCrucis · Jan 25, 2021

Sketcher said:
The Love Wins controversy a few years back is what I'm referring to. I liked and was convicted by Erasing Hell, which was Francis Chan's and Preston Sprinkle's response to it. It's more compassionate than some would think.

Seems difficult to charge Bell with apostasy over that though. I could be mistaken, but from what I remember from that it never seemed like Bell said anything that hadn't been said in other ways and other times by faithful Christian theologians. The topic of hell is a deeply complicated one, and the historic voice of the Church has always been diverse on the subject.

Anyway, I don't mean to go on a tangent, I was just surprised as I thought maybe something new had happened and Bell had walked away from the faith entirely.

-CryptoLutheran

Sketcher · Jan 25, 2021

ViaCrucis said:
Seems difficult to charge Bell with apostasy over that though. I could be mistaken, but from what I remember from that it never seemed like Bell said anything that hadn't been said in other ways and other times by faithful Christian theologians. The topic of hell is a deeply complicated one, and the historic voice of the Church has always been diverse on the subject.

Anyway, I don't mean to go on a tangent, I was just surprised as I thought maybe something new had happened and Bell had walked away from the faith entirely.

-CryptoLutheran

Well, it is a tangent, and not appropriate for discussing here. Where Rob Bell connects with this is that he used to promote that "friends first for those that are good Christians" view, part of that with alleged translations of Hebrew that I hadn't been able to verify. He did some of these in videos that were just painful to watch IMO. He did other videos as well, and one of my friends noticed something "off" in another one not in terms of teaching, but what they were doing for the sake of filming the video itself. At the time, I thought he had a point, though I hadn't noticed it myself until he mentioned it. When the Love Wins controversy happened, that was one of those things that made me go, "hmm."

I Desperately Need Advice from Christians

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