Give "Bad" Advice (3)

Quid est Veritas? said:

but it keeps dying on me.

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get out of the way then! lol




my kid is making tasty looking meals
(see avatar)
how do I compete?

Well, I watched Avatar, the Noble Savage style Dances with Wolves ripoff. If that is our standard for a tasty meal, then I have your triumphant checkmate right here:


How can I keep the feeling of things, if everything has to be done by Zoom?

Use a stripped wall pug to give yourself a little jolt every time something exciting happens on Zoom.

What can I do to make it snow here?!

Publicly announce to a shocked public that Hollywood is run by Jews.


What can I do with a single lump of coal? I've had it up on Craigslist since I got it on Christmas Day, but no one's buying.

It is all about advertising: Primordial diamond cut in natural facet, with deep jet colouring, with Victorian heritage. Or authentic carboniferous fossil.

Where can I take the kids?

You gotta be careful that you don't get caught taking the children. So a crowded place like the zoo or a busy shopping center will enable you to take small children with ease and slip away before the parents even notice.


How to keep the pets from getting fleas next summer?

Provoke nuclear war in order to herald in an eternal winter.

How can I understand?

go to this thread & read the magnet

what's on your fridge?

read over & over & over 'til you understand




how to remove wallpaper that is very stubborn?

Shame it into compliance by giving it a good ear beating.


How do I know the most auspicious day for an important event?

The classical method would be to buy a fattened calf and cut out its liver for investigation. However, I could never get the bloody stain off the kitchen table.

Otherwise you could stand on a hill and watch for birds, but you need to be careful here - you don't want to be mistaken for a Birder. Next thing you know, the members of this strange cult will appear at your house or work, and spout an impenetrable jargon of warblers and goosefeet, till it is quite impossible for anyone to take you seriously anymore, by association.

You could watch the stars, but I hear the Stellatum has been banished and the celestial spheres replaced by curvy spaces, as if nothingness can be bent. Luckily you could huff Ether, but the results seem less than promised.

No, I'd go with Feng Shui. I mean, its hip, its now, its wow. They had the Bank of China put cannons on to fight off the other buildings, so that seems a reasonable philosophy.


How am I supposed to cut off this branch that I need to have for some reason, if it keeps being out of reach?

I'm no arborist. Maybe consult the Book of Ezekiel. It has a lot to say about branches.

How can I speak my mind without getting cancelled?

Say it in Nagamese. It's not a common language and I hear the good folks in Nagaland are very tolerant of minds.

I'm interested in learning the culinary arts. What shoes should I wear for that?

A real gourmet pairs everything with wine. How can one get a feel for the wine, that it enters the fibre of your being, other than stomping the grapes yourself and aging it? Alas, that is impractical, so as a next best thing, duct tape grapes to the soles of your feet, and keep them there for a few years.

How can I shorten the school run?

Ah, spacetime, my favorite subject! Run faster, or hire a team of structural engineers to move the school closer to you, or shorten the time to zero by quitting school.

How can I resist my compulsive need to give bad advice?

Chesterton said:

Ah, spacetime, my favorite subject! Run faster, or hire a team of structural engineers to move the school closer to you, or shorten the time to zero by quitting school.

How can I resist my compulsive need to give bad advice?

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I say keep your foot in your mouth. Some folks say, "Open mouth. Insert foot." But that just opens the door for slip ups. Always keep the foot inserted.

Where's the best place to get Dr. Scholl's odor eaters. I have some serious foot issues. I mean, asking for a friend. Thanks.

Gary, Indiana.

What's a polite way to say "I wouldn't eat your cooking if I were starving?"

Just say, "I would be happy to eat that if you would just kick me in the mouth first."

What's the quickest route to Gary, Indiana from nowhere?

All Gary are connected by interdimensional wormholes. Just take a full run at the nearest Gary, then jump into his navel, and you should jump out at some other Gary. By repetition you'll end up in Gary eventually.

I need the windows cleaned, but it is too much effort.

I know, defragmentation is such a pain, removing all those those old files by hand, byte by byte. Switch to Linux.

How can I become a better salesman?

There is a play about the Death of a Salesman, which as the protagonist is literally defined as one, is certainly a good place to pick up pointers.

How long must I boil an egg?