I'm a lesbian and I hate it. I've known since I was like 11. I want to be a Christian and follow Jesus and be celibate so bad but I give in to my flesh and desire every single time it pops up, and the more often it happens the less guilty and concerned I feel.
I'm a virgin (thank God) but I'm scared one day I'm going to give in to my feelings and sin in the worst possible way of this I could. What people say get to me. "You're in denial. You can't run away from this. You can avoid it all you want but you're still a lesbian. You hate yourself. Stop hiding. I feel bad for you. I pity you. You've become just like the homophobes who hurt you, who hurt us. You want it. I know you do. Don't ignore your true feelings."
I hate it. I know it's wrong. But I want it so bad. But I'm losing the conviction of sin. I feel like a ticking time bomb who's going to sin and give up on God. I feel if the temptation was right in front of me right now, and I had an option to say no, I wouldn't say no. I just feel overwhelmed with desire. The more I avoid it the more I want it. The more it festers in me.
But I want to love God. I want to follow Jesus. I'm scared I'm not born again. If I loved Jesus I wouldn't willfully give in to temptations and willfully sin multiple times.
I hate being a homosexual, it's making me hate other homosexuals, sometimes I think about hurting myself or indulging in substances just to deal with the crippling sense of cognitive dissonance. I don't want it to be my identity, but I've thought of myself as "lesbian" for such a long time it's hard to shake off. I hate it. I just want it gone. I want it gone.
It's coming to the uncomfortable question of "if a girl kept pressuring you, flirting with you, or even worse, would you try to flee? or would you give in?" I fear it would be the latter. Because even though I don't want it, my carnal self, my flesh, does.
I don't even feel worthy to repent to God, because I've repented of the same thing tons of times. God isn't fooled by my crap, and it's probably gonna happen again. I hate myself too much to talk to God. He's probably ashamed of me.
And please, I don't want any comments telling me to hold out the hope for a straight marriage and children. I don't want to be married. I don't want kids. I don't want to lose my virginity. I am not attracted to anything about men.
I simply just wish I can be chemically castrated or something. To be removed of all sexual desire. That way I can be a celibate and never deal with same sex temptation ever again. It'll be so much easier to serve God that way. I don't see myself losing faith that way.
I don't know what I'm looking for here. Prayers? comfort? advice? I just hate myself. I want to stop being gay. I want to stop wanting it.
There is one thing that to me is important --we need, as believers, to stop thinking in the terms of the world's narratives.
From what Scripture says, a homosexual is not someone with certain urges (though the urges can be fed and even disciplined (focused on, practiced, habits formed, etc into sin)), but a person who practices homosexuality. For example, if I was to (as happened to me a few times, particularly as a teen) to feel a sudden rush of desire for someone of the same sex, it does not define me. The Bible says clearly, that no homosexual will see the Kingdom of God (I Cor. 6:9, 1 Tim. 1:9-10 and many more) So, I say, you are not a homosexual by your urges, for one reason, because I don't want to condemn you, and for another reason, because according to what I can tell from Scripture, your urges do not keep you from the Kingdom of God.
The secular world will tell you also that it is a scientific fact that a homosexual is a born homosexual (which Ellen Degeneres at one point took issue with, and I think she was right), because I have seen how both the body and the mind can be trained, as the Bible indicates --renewed, brought under control.
One last note, and this may not help you at first, but you may recognize it later. Your concepts, achievements, even Christian growth (as you assess it) are not as important to God as the final result he is after in making you a member of the Bride of Christ. If you indeed belong to Christ, he will complete what he has begun in you, but it is not likely it will quite look like what you expected. God is not like us, and he doesn't think like us. But if you belong to him, there is nobody waiting to take your place in the body of Christ. That spot is YOURS.
PS> the devil loves for you to concentrate on this that torments you --ask wisdom of God. It may be years coming, before you notice prayers being answered. There are bigger issues out there than the apparently insurmountable desires you feel. But you belong to God --not to yourself.