Yes, everything I’ve mentioned on here I’ve also told my husband.
I"m so glad to hear this, sister.
He is never concerned with anything because I have always had such a guilty conscious I end up telling him everything. I think that’s why he trusts me so much.
This is alarming. Did you know the vast majority of affairs happen between two people who never intended to have affairs? Affairs happen because first one step happens and then another and then the next is so tantalizing and compelling. At some point your thinking becomes foggy because your pleasure sensors are focusing on the next "hit" instead of realizing what you are doing. And, before you know it, you're in an affair. An affair can happen to **anyone**, certainly including me and obviously, including you as well. It doesn't matter how much you intend to not have an affair, you are several steps into this one. Your thinking is already clouded.
But I told him, I’m putting a stop to this situation.
But dear sister, that's why you're here, isn't it? You've already resolved to do this before and it didn't work because you keep placing yourself in his presence. You are already several steps into this and you are not thinking straight.
Besides inappropriate comments in person/winks/eye contact, the pastor and I have never touched each other or messaged through texts or social media in any inappropriate way.
What is the difference if you are flirting verbally or via text? Why is this distinction important to you?
I just don’t think going to a different church is what I need to do.
Nicole, put yourself, in your imagination, a year down the road.
The past is the prologue to the present. You had returned to flirting and resolved to stop at least several times. As in the past, each time you were drawn just a little bit more to him. You looked forward to going to church on Sundays so you can see him. You were eager for that glimpse on the side. Your fascination had continued to grow. Soon your pastor had taken up more and more of your thoughts and even some dreams. Before you realized it would happen, you are in each other's arms and into an affair. Your husband has just found out. Your families are shattered. Your affair with the pastor is exposed to the church. Your husband is shattered and your marriage is over. At that time you'd wish with all your might you could have told your July 19, 2020 self to get the heck out of there and never look back.
We are telling you this, but your thinking is clouded already. You are several steps into this. You came on this board, convicted that you need to change but you are arguing with those of us who are agreeing with you. Instead you are insisting you can just go back to what you've always been doing. Getting over that line and retreating. Getting back over that line and retreating. It's Satan's game of tugofwar with you. Each time you are drawing a bit closer to the abyss in the middle of the field.
Nicole, flee the field. Get a different church. Never have contact with this man again and don't look back.
I can control myself. The fruit of the spirit is self control. But I also understand not to put myself in tempting situations, which is why I intend to only greet him if there’s no way I can avoid that.
You've been there, done that. Dear sister, you're here because you can't.
And I can tell by the pastors behavior the past couple Sundays, I believe he’s thinking the same.
No, he's not. Based on his behavior with you, I wouldn't be surprised to find he has had affairs before and its possible that he is very sensitive to your reactions and just working patiently to rope you in. Ask any guy here about the character of a man who flirts with married women. He is not the prize you are imagining him to be. You are a prize, to your husband. At this moment you can make the choice to keep it that way and change churches, never to see this pastor again.
If we were to ever flirt in any way again, I’ll ask my husband to find a different church.
But, dear sister, you're here because all of your "next time's" of the past haven't worked. This is well plowed soil. Be careful because seedlings have already started growing in it.
I just think I could go to any other church and find the same situation. It’s a heart/sin issue, not a people issue. And I really am working and praying on that.
This is key, and a wise realization. Yes, it's true. You need to have better boundaries with other men or you will keep running into this situation. You already have a situation here. There's no going back on that. You need to leave and not look back, and protect your marriage with strong boundaries in the future.
Doing the right thing is sometimes hard. I've seen too many instances where well intentioned women (and men) just can't compel themselves to step away from this precipice and they fall in. You are not better or stronger than any of them. Now is the day to cast your eyes upon the Lord, and use the means he gave you to flee from the beguiling danger that is beckoning you. You can do it. Do it today.
Edited to add: Nicole, would you consider showing this thread to your husband and discussing it with him?
