You forgive for yourself - which is why God asks this of us, but that doesn't mean you have run back into the arms of evil.
God also knows at times forgiveness is a journey. There are plenty of stories in the bible of consideration of others from a distance. David and Saul is a good example.
If the relationship is to come together and be whole once again? True Contrition is required. That involves more than 'sorry', and you are required to have blind faith to accept it or be accused of not doing what is required of a Christian. That would be called imperfect contrition. It's also what I call spiritual pixie dust.
Anyone that has any type of discernment knows there are times in which you stand, and then there are times in which you must walk away.
A remorseful person is to be contrite. They are crushed by guilt. Just apologizing, and having tears for effect doesn't cut the definition. A truly contrite person? They will wait for trust to develop again, and show patience and compassion.
There will also be those that want to RUSH the process along, and that is only for their own comfort and ease. That includes individuals that ask you to ignore the imperfect contrition,and gaslight you to say it is perfect instead. They are to scared to deal with the evil, to lazy to, or both. A good dose of denial on their part is generally present too.
It's rather ironic if you think about it. The ones that claim you must enable evil behavior, and endure it for whatever reason - normally attempting to guilt you - are to scared to admit the imperfect contrition in front of them. Instead of confronting evil that can strip people of their sense of humanity and self worth in God's eyes? They take the lazy way out and use their own words to guilt you into staying. The intention might to be good, but lack of understanding the dynamics - or even wanting to - does more harm than good.
My mother grew up in an abusive household, and sadly the church leaders enabled the behavior. The marriage at all costs, and there was huge one for my mom. It was a soul crushing experience to watch her mother be abused, and that extended to her at times as well. She kept her faith all of her life, and Mom married a good man (my Dad of course). Yet, she was a very emotionally closed person. It was very hard to let anyone in. Product of her mother not being able to protect her, and her church family refusing too. I found all these imperfect contrition letters addressed to my grandmother in the attic of their house when I was cleaning it out (from my grandfather). I'm not saying he didn't love her. Yet, it wasn't the healthy type. Sadly, he was so broken I doubt he was capable of it.
Mom struggled with those remnants of her childhood, and my brother and I never learned about this wall until we were adults. We never understood why the wall was there growing up. All because people wanted to throw bible verses at them instead of helping my grandfather become the man God intended. Yes, it would have been scary stuff to do that. The battle could have gone either way - together or separate - but they would have done what was right to help him. After my grandfather died? My grandmother had Alzheimer's. In her Alzheimer's life she looked for good man to be her husband, and to have children with. lol of course she never found him, but her inner peace was there for the first time for mother to see in her - and for the rest of us to see. Her happy was genuine then, and it's rather sad if you think about it - outside her Alzheimer's bubble.
When I found out the family mystery I was mad at my grandfather for while. I knew he could be ugly at times, but never in a million years did I imagine the harm that happened within that family. My mother's family. I knew why my folks moved us 1,000 miles away so they could keep it a secret too. No doubt my mother's idea, and to keep us kids safe. I have forgiven him, and quite honestly feel sorry for him. I also feel sorry for those that enabled this relationship to continue under the guise of spiritual pixie dust. They had the opportunity to make that circumstance whole - or find ways of helping it move forward in the direction that it needed too. They blew it. They never think of the children from what I have seen. It's okay for you too. Perfectly acceptable - along with your own safety and wellbeing.
Dear Hannah,
Thank you for sharing something deep in your heart.
I am not trying to throw bible verse at Debbie or you or others for this matter. I am just sharing what Debbie asks —- how to love like Jesus and how to respond hurtful words.
I do share with quotes from bible verse ; it is for her to reflect that what I am saying is accord with what is written and explain how Jesus loves and in what we have been taught.
Hannah, do I belittle what Debbie has gone through? Many instances, you can find in what I write that she is suffering! Likewise, do I belittle the abuse that she received from her husband? Do I not compare her suffering like Jesus on the cross ? Do I not consider her body like Jesus when He was on the cross ?
Do I claim that when her husband was abusing her with words to be godly?
But I do desire that their family are made whole and her husband come to repentance through her continuous intercession.
I do understand that it is painful and difficult to release forgiveness to others and ourselves. Many times I ask myself why Jesus ask something that I can’t do and eventually as I wait on Him daily for many hours and study His words — I can’t rely on my strength to work relationships with others but that the Lord has always there to give me strength when I do what He asks of me. If I walk according to my understanding and way and strength, I couldn’t make the relationship work out. But Jesus have been telling me that you cannot bear fruit in your relationship with others apart from me. Then I know that we all need His grace and strength to pull us through our darkest moments of our life.
When in darkness, we often ask ourselves, where is God ? How He is with me ?
Eventually, I understand what Jesus have spoken to the Samaritan woman who says that she has no husband but actually she has five husbands and the one is living with is not her husband.
Jesus have said :
God is SPIRIT, and those who worship him
must worship in spirit and truth." -John 4:24
Also, Jesus have revealed this in His own words:
It is the Spirit who gives life; the flesh is no help at all.
The words that I have spoken to you are spirit and life. -John 6:63
What I am trying to say ! In the darkest moments of life, when we want to seek God and find Him and that He be with us — we must relate with Him in spirit and truth — Jesus’s very words are SPIRIT and LIFE that we need when we want to bring life back to our family.
Hannah, read again what I have written previously to Debbie ; have I not shared with her Jesus’s words.
I understand your frustration at church leaders for what they may say to your mother that offend her. Is this not the time that you and your mother release forgiveness, too.
I understand that some may say that person have not asked for forgiveness why I should forgive him or them. But consider yourself what the Lord have spoken:
But I say to you
that EVERYONE who is angry with his brother will be liable to judgment; whoever insults his brother will be liable to the council; and whoever says, 'You fool!' will be liable to the hell of fire. -Matthew 5:22
So if you are offering your gift at the altar and
there REMEMBER that your brother has something against you, -Matthew 5:23
leave your gift there before the altar and go.
First be RECONCILED to your brother, and then come and offer your gift. -Matthew 5:24
When Debbie and we are angry with our husbands/wife ! Are we not liable to the Lord’s judgment?
Can those who are abused not REMEMBER that their husband/wife have something against them?
Are we called to reconcile only when those abuse come and say forgive me and show that they repent in true contrition and wholeheartedly?
I understand that you share the story of David and Saul and implying regarding when David hide from Saul for a time.
I understand that wife/husband wants to be apart for some time before being reconciled again.
David did hide from Saul and make the Lord his hiding place.
Hannah, do you not see that I tell Debbie previously, also to hide in the Lord ?
It is not wrong to hide from the wicked.
Remember Hannah, what we have been taught:
For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the cosmic powers over this present darkness, against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly places. -Ephesians 6:12
But neither the husband nor the wife that we should wrestle against! We all should wrestle against the rulers, authorities, the darkness, and the spiritual forces of evil that try to break marriage and family!
Hannah, you do consider your father is a good man. Also, you have forgiven your grandfather. Don’t you wish as a daughter and granddaughter for them to reconcile ?
Is it impossible with God ? Is it impossible for God’s words to do good to you, your family and big family? Do you still consider God’s words in bible verse as spiritual pixie dust ?
