My husband’s father, who was FWB preacher, will not forgive me

WrappedUpinHisLove3 said:

She isn't being told to fight. She is being advised to leave and there is nothing wrong with that.

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Let us discuss with gentleness and hope that we could arrive at understanding that God wants.

I understand that you firmly believe those who leave are always better. Could you show me where is written in the Bible that suggest that !

I consider that by now you have opted to choose the leave option.

Please tell me why you are still in pains ! Why your heart has not completely healed ! Though you are now not abused, I would like to know: have you forgiven your abusers ?

Though many have abused Jesus, yet Jesus still call many abusers to repentance, in order to, receive grace of repentance.

Have you had Jesus’s strength to do that to your ex-abusers?

Brothers and sisters, to those who called our Lord Jesus Christ both theirs and ours.

Let us consider together what we have heard about GRIEF OR PAIN from apostle Paul:

10 Pain handled in God’s way produces a turning from sin to God which leads to salvation, and there is nothing to regret in that! But pain handled in the world’s way produces only death.
11 For just look at what handling the pain God’s way produced in you! What earnest diligence, what eagerness to clear yourselves, what indignation, what fear, what longing, what zeal, what readiness to put things right! In everything you have proved yourselves blameless in the matter.
12 So even though I wrote to you, it was not for the sake of either the one who did the wrong or the one wronged, but so that before God you could see for yourselves how deep is your devotion to us.-2 Corinthians 7:10-12 CJB

Therefore, let us consider the abuse or pain or grief in marriage, parenting, etc — be handled in God’s way and not in world‘s way !

What are God’s ways ? This is what have heard:
He MADE KNOWN HIS WAYS to Moses, his acts to the people of Israel. -Psalms 103:7
The LORD is MERCIFUL and GRACIOUS, SLOW TO ANGER and ABOUNDING IN STEADFAST LOVE. -Psalms 103:8

That is why apostle Paul remind us this:
Put on then, as God's chosen ones, holy and beloved,
compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience,
-Colossians 3:12
bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive. -Colossians 3:13
And above all these put on love, which binds everything together in perfect harmony. -Colossians 3:14

Sister Steph,

The number of abusers who repent and change is so small that it is a counseling malpractice to encourage a woman to continue on as you suggest after 22 years of abuse. Your husband has had AMPLE opportunity to repent or change, and it is very unwise to have her endanger her health and safety while she continues to hope for a change.

You have given him enough chances and if you read her posts, you will see that he persists in abusing her, punishing her, lying about her and lying to her as he has for the past 22 years.

A great failure of our churches today is that the focus on hope on the perpetrators repentance while throwing the victim under the bus. It happens **all** the time, which is why I do not advise abused women to seek help from pastors.

To that point, imagine how the father in law pastor in this thread would minister to or counsel victims - he's already showing that he is unsafe in that capacity and I dread to think about how many abused women he might have harmed during his career.

Endeavourer said:

Sir, the number of abusers who repent and change is so small that it is a counseling malpractice to encourage a woman to continue on as you suggest after 22 years of abuse. This man has had AMPLE opportunity to repent or change, and it is very unwise to have her endanger her health and safety while she continues to hope for a change.

She has given him enough chances and if you read her posts, you will see that he persists in abusing her, punishing her, lying about her and lying to her as he has for the past 22 years.

A great failure of our churches today is that the focus on hope on the perpetrators repentance while throwing the victim under the bus. It happens **all** the time, which is why I do not advise abused women to seek help from pastors.

To that point, imagine how the father in law pastor in this thread would minister to or counsel victims - he's already showing that he is unsafe in that capacity and I dread to think about how many abused women he might have harmed during his career.

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Dear Endeavourer,
I understand that you may have resistance to what pastor may have said.

Please bear with me. For this is what we have heard:
Love does not gloat over other people's sins but takes its delight in the truth.- 1 Corinthians 13:6 CJB

For this case, we have heard the wife who first mistreat or ABUSE the husband by committing sexual immorality.

Our Lord have spoken:
But I say to you that EVERYONE who divorces his wife, except on the ground of sexual immorality, makes her commit adultery, and whoever marries a divorced woman commits adultery. -Matthew 5:32

The husband can be justified to divorce the wife based on the ground of sexual immorality but

we have heard that the wife have said that the husband was willing to forgive and be reconciled with her. Though that being said, the husband acts contrary and commit the same sin like hers.

According to your term “ABUSER” and “VICTIM”, both wife and husband can termed as ABUSERS and VICTIMS.

Regretfully, both are not justified, even after 22 years !

It is not right in pursuing to hurt one another because one is hurt. That is why I say l look at God’s ways in this pain or grief:

He will not always accuse, He will not keep His anger forever.
He has not treated us as our sins deserve
or paid us back for our offenses,
because His mercy toward those who fear Him
is as far above earth as heaven.-Psalms 103:9-11 CJB

Why do wife and husband have to follow the course of this world, following the prince of the power of the air, the spirit that is now at work in the sons and daughters of disobedience ?

The wife and husband both should no longer listen to those accusations in their heads to go against each other though the enemies keep reminding the past, the hurt, scorn and contempt !

Remember what has been revealed about the Lord:
Adonai (Lord) is good, and He is fair;
this is why He teaches sinners the way [to live],
9 leads the humble to do what is right
and teaches the humble [to live] His way.
10 All Adonai’s paths are grace and truth
to those who keep His covenant and instructions.- Psalms 25:8-10 CJB

Here, I am reminding both wife and husband to set sights on God’s ways and what the Lord teaches to those who fear Him, keep His covenant and instructions. For the Lord teaches us to live His way !!!

This is what we have also heard :
All we like sheep have gone astray; we have turned'every one'to his own way; and the LORD has laid on Him( Christ ) the iniquity of us all. -Isaiah 53:6

Yes，all we wife and husband have gone astray; we have turned one’to her or his own way ! Yes, we are the sinners to whom the Lord Jesus Christ teaches the way to live ! He leads us to do what is right and teaches us to live in His way !

Why are wife and husband resisting His way ?
We are not supposed to resist His way but keep our sights on Christ’s way so that

• wife and husband will not always accuse
• wife and husband will not keep their anger forever.
• wife and husband will not mistreat each other as their sins deserve
  
  
• or wife and husband will not payback each other for their offenses

Why ? because God’s mercy toward those who fear Him !
What does it mean ?
wife and husband are to stand in awe of God and hold God in holy reverence for His compassion toward sinners ; For God’s compassion never comes to an end.

That is our Lord Jesus have said in His compassion:
So they are no longer two but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let not man separate." -Matthew 19:6

To the married I give this charge (not I, but the Lord): the wife should not separate from her husband -1 Corinthians 7:10

Therefore, let not sin harden the hearts of both wife and husband ; don’t set your sights on payback; don’t cover your garment with violence toward one another. When wife and husband continue to hate one another, they both are living in the dark.

This is the judgement that we have heard for wife and husband who continue to live in the darkness:

And this is the judgment: the light has come into the world, and people loved the darkness rather than the light because their works were evil. -John 3:19

As we have been told to do :
Put to death therefore what is earthly in you: sexual immorality, impurity, passion, evil desire, and covetousness, which is idolatry. -Colossians 3:5
On account of these the wrath of God is coming. -Colossians 3:6

Though both wife and husband are grief in this situation, CHOOSE GODLY GRIEF !

Heed what the apostle Paul have told us :
For godly grief produces a REPENTANCE that leads to salvation WITHOUT REGRET, whereas worldly grief produces death. -2 Corinthians 7:10

Sister Steph,

You are a wife dwelling with a husband who REFUSES to do any of what was advised in the posts who are guilting you into continuing to treat an abuser with love and patience. In a ideal situation, the husband and wife would both be acting in this way.

However, your husband, after 22 years of severe abuse, is not doing that. Instructing you to sacrifice your health and safety in the hopes that he might be different in year 23, 24 or 25 is simply malpractice. Abusers rarely change. It is so rare that it simply is not safe to advise a woman to continue to wait for that, not after 2 years and especially not after 22 years. Any advice telling you it is Godly for two people to behave nice and loving towards each other irrelevant because he will not step up to this behavior.

Instead, abused wives needs to look to the WHOLE counsel of Scripture - not just those verses such advisors cite - which include Proverb's counsel of how to relate to an angry man, a liar and frankly, a man who is behaving like a fool. We cannot cut those verses out of our Bible, and none of those verses say "unless he is your husband because then you are bound to him and subject to his anger".

SANTOSO said:

Dear Endeavourer,
I understand that you may have resistance to what pastor may have said.

Please bear with me. For this is what we have heard:
Love does not gloat over other people's sins but takes its delight in the truth.- 1 Corinthians 13:6 CJB

For this case, we have heard the wife who first mistreat or ABUSE the husband by committing sexual immorality.

Our Lord have spoken:
But I say to you that EVERYONE who divorces his wife, except on the ground of sexual immorality, makes her commit adultery, and whoever marries a divorced woman commits adultery. -Matthew 5:32

The husband can be justified to divorce the wife based on the ground of sexual immorality but

we have heard that the wife have said that the husband was willing to forgive and be reconciled with her. Though that being said, the husband acts contrary and commit the same sin like hers.

According to your term “ABUSER” and “VICTIM”, both wife and husband can termed as ABUSERS and VICTIMS.

Regretfully, both are not justified, even after 22 years !

It is not right in pursuing to hurt one another because one is hurt. That is why I say l look at God’s ways in this pain or grief:

He will not always accuse, He will not keep His anger forever.
He has not treated us as our sins deserve
or paid us back for our offenses,
because His mercy toward those who fear Him
is as far above earth as heaven.-Psalms 103:9-11 CJB

Why do wife and husband have to follow the course of this world, following the prince of the power of the air, the spirit that is now at work in the sons and daughters of disobedience ?

The wife and husband both should no longer listen to those accusations in their heads to go against each other though the enemies keep reminding the past, the hurt, scorn and contempt !

Remember what has been revealed about the Lord:
Adonai (Lord) is good, and He is fair;
this is why He teaches sinners the way [to live],
9 leads the humble to do what is right
and teaches the humble [to live] His way.
10 All Adonai’s paths are grace and truth
to those who keep His covenant and instructions.- Psalms 25:8-10 CJB

Here, I am reminding both wife and husband to set sights on God’s ways and what the Lord teaches to those who fear Him, keep His covenant and instructions. For the Lord teaches us to live His way !!!

This is what we have also heard :
All we like sheep have gone astray; we have turned'every one'to his own way; and the LORD has laid on Him( Christ ) the iniquity of us all. -Isaiah 53:6

Yes，all we wife and husband have gone astray; we have turned one’to her or his own way ! Yes, we are the sinners to whom the Lord Jesus Christ teaches the way to live ! He leads us to do what is right and teaches us to live in His way !

Why are wife and husband resisting His way ?
We are not supposed to resist His way but keep our sights on Christ’s way so that

• wife and husband will not always accuse
• wife and husband will not keep their anger forever.
• wife and husband will not mistreat each other as their sins deserve
  
  
• or wife and husband will not payback each other for their offenses

Why ? because God’s mercy toward those who fear Him !
What does it mean ?
wife and husband are to stand in awe of God and hold God in holy reverence for His compassion toward sinners ; For God’s compassion never comes to an end.

That is our Lord Jesus have said in His compassion:
So they are no longer two but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let not man separate." -Matthew 19:6

To the married I give this charge (not I, but the Lord): the wife should not separate from her husband -1 Corinthians 7:10

Therefore, let not sin harden the hearts of both wife and husband ; don’t set your sights on payback; don’t cover your garment with violence toward one another. When wife and husband continue to hate one another, they both are living in the dark.

This is the judgement that we have heard for wife and husband who continue to live in the darkness:

And this is the judgment: the light has come into the world, and people loved the darkness rather than the light because their works were evil. -John 3:19

As we have been told to do :
Put to death therefore what is earthly in you: sexual immorality, impurity, passion, evil desire, and covetousness, which is idolatry. -Colossians 3:5
On account of these the wrath of God is coming. -Colossians 3:6

Though both wife and husband are grief in this situation, CHOOSE GODLY GRIEF !

Heed what the apostle Paul have told us :
For godly grief produces a REPENTANCE that leads to salvation WITHOUT REGRET, whereas worldly grief produces death. -2 Corinthians 7:10

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Please read my last comment directed to Sister Steph. I pray that you do not counsel other abused women to continue to dwell in abuse. It causes deterioration and early destruction of the temple of the Lord (their body).

I suggest you do some research on how abused women who have received destructive advice such as yours fared. There are blogs all over the place supporting such women. Once they finally simply cannot survive these man-imposed restrictions to continue loving and sacrificing to abusers, many of them are too triggered with trauma to enter a church again and others flee their faith because as the practice had been imposed on them, it is not survivable. Advice such as yours - in the face of 22 years of abuse - has greatly harmed the other half of the bride of Christ. I strongly urge - even plead - with you to stop giving abused women advice at all until you have educated yourself on the destructiveness of the advice that cherry picks and gerrymanders the full counsel of Scripture.

Stephavery said:

I appreciate everyone’s input. It is a mess I created. My choice was my own. Even if he hit me I should have just left. He has changed with his anger, I do know that. Is very gentle now, slow to anger. But he will never forgive me. I will stay married though. We started going back to church together and it can only help. Life is tough, Jesus told us about trials and tribulations. It still sucks though. Thank you

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Sister Steph,

No, the mess you are in right now is not of 'your' creation. The mess was and always has been his abusive treatment of you.

While the affair was a poor choice, your REACTION to the abuse is not to be judged on the same level as the PERPETRATION of the abuse. The perpetration only escalated with his multiple affairs and lying.

We in the Christian community are often guilty of sin leveling, i.e.: He punched you, but you shouldn't have defended yourself reaction to his punch, therefore you are both sinners and owe each other an apology. This is a sick twisting of Scripture. I used a more obvious example but many Christian counselors put reaction to abuse at the same level of sin as the perpetration of abuse itself. That is very damaging to abused women and is not safe advice. It is also how our Christian communities as a whole can tend to harbor, aid and abet marital abuse.

You are still dwelling under an escalated perpetration of abuse. Your marriage is not safe for you.

Are we not heartbroken when our significant other fail to understand us ?
Can we not be truly reconciled?
Is it impossible?
Do God not heal the broken-hearted and bind their wounds?

This is what we have heard:
For He delivers the needy when he calls, the poor and him who has no helper. -Psalms 72:12
He has pity on the weak and the needy, and saves the lives of the needy. -Psalms 72:13

FROM OPPRESSION AND VIOLENCE He ( the Lord Jesus Christ) REDEEMS THEIR LIFE, and precious is their blood in His sight. -Psalms 72:14

God has committed to us who fear Him with the message of reconciliation, as written in 2 Corinthians 5:17

This message of reconciliation also apply to every husband and wife and children, that is,

IN UNION WITH CHRIST God was reconciling every husband,wife and children to Himself, not counting their trespasses against them, and entrusting to us the message of reconciliation, as we have heard in 2 Corinthians 5:19

Can every husband and wife hear the cry of children for their parents to set aside all oppression in their thoughts from the wicked one ?

Can every husband and wife hear the cry of children for their parents to set aside all violence from speech and conduct toward one another ?

For we have heard that our Lord Jesus Christ HAS THE POWER TO REDEEM every husband, wife and children FROM ALL OPPRESSION AND VIOLENCE in the family !!!

Are we not in need when our significant other rages with hate and violence instigated by thoughts from the enemies ? Yes, we call out to our Lord :

“The blood of the Lamb of God redeem me, my husband/wife/ parents and children from all oppression and violence and set us completely free in the name of Jesus Christ.”

Yes, our Lord God, Jesus have compassion on us who are weak in this fragile relationship !

Yes, our Lord God, Jesus have compassion on us who are needy for deliverance from oppression and violence and He can save our families from ruin !

To our Lord Jesus Christ, the blood of every husband, wife and children are precious in His sight! That is why He doesn’t want anyone to come into judgement but He wants everyone to receive His grace of repentance!

Let every husband, wife, and children trust in the power of the blood of the Lamb of God who can redeem them from oppression and violence.

Hear this :
Stop being angry, put aside rage,
and don’t be upset — it leads to evil.-Psalms 37:8 CJB

Are we not all told to :
Turn away from evil and do good; SEEK PEACE and PURSUE IT. -Psalms 34:14

First of all, how do we turn away from this evil of anger, rage and upset in this relationship?

This is the wisdom that we have heard:
By steadfast love and faithfulness iniquity is atoned for,
and by THE FEAR OF THE LORD one TURNS AWAY from evil. -Proverbs 16:6

God gives us His steadfast love and compassion that are new every morning ; His steadfast love and compassion are His faithfulness. God gives His grace, that is, our Lord Jesus Christ ; God gives His grace of repentance through faith in our Lord Jesus Christ. When every husband, wife and children trust in His steadfast love and compassion that are new every morning, His grace or ( His steadfast love and compassion) will surround them, as we have heard:

Many are the sorrows of the wicked, but STEADFAST LOVE SURROUNDS THE ONE who trusts in the LORD. -Psalms 32:10

Regarding this FEAR OF THE LORD that enables us to turn away from this evil of anger, rage and upset,
this is what we have heard the Heavenly Father told us :

1 My son, if you receive my words and treasure up my commandments with you, 2 making your ear attentive to wisdom and inclining your heart to understanding;
3 yes, if you call out for insight and raise your voice for understanding,
4 if you seek it like silver and search for it as for hidden treasures,
5 THEN YOU WILL UNDERSTAND THE FEAR OF THE LORD and find the knowledge of God.

Therefore, we who wants to turn away from this EVIL that brings anger, rage and upset in the family — need to treasure the word of God in our hearts then we will understand the fear of the Lord that will enable us to turn away from this EVIL.

For every husband, wife and children that is looking for PEACE, this is what we have heard:

You keep him IN PERFECT PEACE WHOSE MIND is stayed on You, because he trusts in You. -Isaiah 26:3

The very words of God that we treasure in our hearts that we call to mind or call to remembrance — That will keep us in perfect peace in Christ Jesus !

In our minds or souls, we need to bless the Lord our God:

Bless the LORD, O my soul, and forget not all His benefits, -Psalms 103:2
who FORGIVES ALL YOUR INIQUITY,
who heals all your diseases, -Psalms 103:3
who REDEEMS your life from the pit,
who crowns you with STEADFAST LOVE AND MERCY, -Psalms 103:4
who SATISFIES you WITH GOOD so that your youth is renewed like the eagle's. -Psalms 103:5

Since we have the same spirit of faith according to what has been written, "I believed, and so I spoke," we also believe, and so we also speak:

Therefore, if anyone is IN CHRIST, he is a new creation.
The old has passed away;
behold, the new has come.
ALL THIS IS FROM GOD, who through Christ reconciled us to himself and gave us the ministry of reconciliation; -2 Corinthians 5:17-18
that is, in Christ God was reconciling the world to himself, not counting their trespasses against them, and entrusting to us the message of reconciliation. -2 Corinthians 5:19

Let us be union or united in Christ, then every husband, wife and children can be this new creations.
Indeed, the old has gone, the new has come.
And let every husband, wife and children receive all this is from God who reconcile them THROUGH CHRIST JESUS to Himself, that is,
in Christ God was reconciling every husband, wife and children to Himself, not counting their trespasses.

Let us who delight in Christ’s righteousness shout for joy and be glad and say evermore, "Great is the LORD, who delights in the welfare of His servant!" -Psalms 35:27
Hallelujah
To God be the glory. Amen

SANTOSO said:

Let us discuss with gentleness and hope that we could arrive at understanding that God wants.

I understand that you firmly believe those who leave are always better. Could you show me where is written in the Bible that suggest that !

I consider that by now you have opted to choose the leave option.

Please tell me why you are still in pains ! Why your heart has not completely healed ! Though you are now not abused, I would like to know: have you forgiven your abusers ?

Though many have abused Jesus, yet Jesus still call many abusers to repentance, in order to, receive grace of repentance.

Have you had Jesus’s strength to do that to your ex-abusers?

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I don't believe those who leave are better. I never said that!

I said if the OP did leave, she wouldn't be in sin. I am not saying we would be in sin if she stayed. It is between her and God.

I have forgiven my abusers. All of them. I no longer want them harmed... I wish them well and pray that they will have happy lives.

I rarely even think of them beyond that

Lack of forgiveness isn't 're issue, the issue is I have been left with very severe complex PTSD which I am Recovering from. !y focus is to let God heal me and start living a peaceful happy life knowing am safe and learning skills that will help me provide for myself and help others

SANTOSO said:

Let us discuss with gentleness and hope that we could arrive at understanding that God wants.

I understand that you firmly believe those who leave are always better. Could you show me where is written in the Bible that suggest that !

I consider that by now you have opted to choose the leave option.

Please tell me why you are still in pains ! Why your heart has not completely healed ! Though you are now not abused, I would like to know: have you forgiven your abusers ?

Though many have abused Jesus, yet Jesus still call many abusers to repentance, in order to, receive grace of repentance.

Have you had Jesus’s strength to do that to your ex-abusers?

Click to expand...

Oh and the reason I am not now abused is because I left! I want married to him, therefore I was free to leave!

if have been abused still if I hadn't left! a! Never going back because I am happy with !y life now and don't need to go back.

I have chosen to forgive that person and focus on the life I have now. They can now forget me and gorge their own life. A win win situation!

WrappedUpinHisLove3 said:

Lack of forgiveness isn't 're issue, the issue is I have been left with very severe complex PTSD which I am Recovering from. !y focus is to let God heal me and start living a peaceful happy life knowing am safe and learning skills that will help me provide for myself and help others

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Dear sister,
I want to encourage you with the promise of God that I have heard:

until the Spirit is poured upon us from on high, and the wilderness becomes a fruitful field, and the fruitful field is deemed a forest. -Isaiah 32:15
Then justice will dwell in the wilderness, and righteousness abide in the fruitful field. -Isaiah 32:16
And the effect of righteousness will be peace, and the result of righteousness, quietness and trust forever. -Isaiah 32:17
My people will abide in a peaceful habitation, in secure dwellings, and in quiet resting places. -Isaiah 32:18

Let the unfolding of God’s words give us light!