My husband’s father, who was FWB preacher, will not forgive me

Stephavery · Nov 8, 2020

I appreciate everyone’s input. It is a mess I created. My choice was my own. Even if he hit me I should have just left. He has changed with his anger, I do know that. Is very gentle now, slow to anger. But he will never forgive me. I will stay married though. We started going back to church together and it can only help. Life is tough, Jesus told us about trials and tribulations. It still sucks though. Thank you

anna ~ grace · Nov 8, 2020

Stephavery said:
Hi,

I have been married 22 years. Three years ago I cheated. I didn’t tell my husband but I did leave him a year later. I left because he was abusive, not for another man. Mainly emotionally, sometimes physically, which led to my horrible and wrong decision to turn to another man.

My husband was devestated when I left him. I did end up telling him about the other guy and he was hurt even more. After that he dated (slept with) many women. We were separated.

But then, We began seeing each other again but he continued to sleep around (unbeknownst to me).....anyway, lots has happened after that but we eventually chose to forgive and reconcile. (3 months ago)

So tonight he said he was going to take our kids to his dad’s Thanksgiving Eve. I am not invited. He said his dad hates me. The thing is, my husband and his dad haven’t had a relationship in years. He was a horrible, abusive father. His dad has never been part of my kid’s lives. But he confided in his dad when I left, so now they have a relationship again

I am not asking for advice about our struggles or reconciliation. I am sure his Dad doesn’t have the entire story about how my husband slept around when I thought we were reconciling. All I know is I am not invited to a man’s house, who I know is a born again believer. Why is he choosing his Dad over me?

I don’t even know if I have a question. Well, other than how do I fully give my heart back to someone that isn’t choosing me first?
And how do I refrain from being bitter when things like this happen? I get cold and shut down. That isn’t good for either of us and leads to fights.

Not having to go and interact with his dad at Thanksgiving may be a good thing, even if it feels hard.

Give your husband space. Understand that infidelity is hard. And forgiveness can be a journey, especially when something as serious as infidelity has occurred on both sides.

I think it would be helpful for you and your husband to see a Christian marriage counselor.

I also think it would be best to just leave yourself out of the dynamic between him and his dad. Let them be. Let them have a relationship. Keep your relationship with your husband distinct in your mind from what his dad may think of you. You can’t control that; but you can begin to work on what you have with your husband. Three months of being reconciled isn’t much. A lot of stuff between you and your husband probably needs to be worked through.

NerdGirl · Nov 8, 2020

Stephavery said:
the women were after we separated. I thought we were working it out but still legally separated. He didnt beat me in the sense he was controlling and beat me up. I was an instigator of fights, i push buttons, and he has hit me before. yes too much of a mess for the internet. I have dealt with this for years. I posted because he said I couldn’t go to Thanksgiving and I am hurt. I am at the point I just exist...and that is it

Please seek some counseling. Either together, or if he's not willing, at least for yourself. You need help to find your way through this mess.

paul1149 · Nov 8, 2020

Stephavery said:
He gets really emotional and says “well you caused this”. . He gets loud and I don’t want my kids to hear so I walk away

Stephavery said:
He said it felt good to lie to me

Stephavery said:
he doesn’t forgive me...and keeps hurting me with his words.

You need to understand that there is a critical difference between forgiveness, which we must do, and reconciliation, which is based on repentance and rebuilding trust. You cannot have a relationship without trust; without it any reconciliation would be false. You would not be getting to the root of the problem, and you could expect the lack of respect to continue and to get worse. Trust and intentionally lying to a person generally are mutually exclusive.

We must forgive, but reconciliation is conditional.

Kenny'sID · Nov 8, 2020

Stephavery said:
So tonight he said he was going to take our kids to his dad’s Thanksgiving Eve. I am not invited.

Ouch!

Stephavery said:
I am sure his Dad doesn’t have the entire story about how my husband slept around when I thought we were reconciling

I'd guess the same, and your husband definitly needs to straighten that out. But either way, he has no business accepting his fathers offer, when you aren't invited.

I'm sorry you have to go through this mess.

Cis.jd · Nov 8, 2020

You and your husband survived a bad road. You both are in a different/better place. That is what matters right now. I think you will need to sit and talk to your husband about trying to talk to his dad together. Now if the father in law still doesn't forgive and treat everything in the past like you and him, it's his problem.

The reality is the father in law has to reconcile because he is causing a problem that should be already in the past. Which means he is a eminent to that bad past that should be finished.

Hazelelponi · Nov 8, 2020

Stephavery said:
Hi,

I have been married 22 years. Three years ago I cheated. I didn’t tell my husband but I did leave him a year later. I left because he was abusive, not for another man. Mainly emotionally, sometimes physically, which led to my horrible and wrong decision to turn to another man.

My husband was devestated when I left him. I did end up telling him about the other guy and he was hurt even more. After that he dated (slept with) many women. We were separated.

But then, We began seeing each other again but he continued to sleep around (unbeknownst to me).....anyway, lots has happened after that but we eventually chose to forgive and reconcile. (3 months ago)

So tonight he said he was going to take our kids to his dad’s Thanksgiving Eve. I am not invited. He said his dad hates me. The thing is, my husband and his dad haven’t had a relationship in years. He was a horrible, abusive father. His dad has never been part of my kid’s lives. But he confided in his dad when I left, so now they have a relationship again

I am not asking for advice about our struggles or reconciliation. I am sure his Dad doesn’t have the entire story about how my husband slept around when I thought we were reconciling. All I know is I am not invited to a man’s house, who I know is a born again believer. Why is he choosing his Dad over me?

I don’t even know if I have a question. Well, other than how do I fully give my heart back to someone that isn’t choosing me first?
And how do I refrain from being bitter when things like this happen? I get cold and shut down. That isn’t good for either of us and leads to fights.

He's still doing thanksgiving with you as a family, just having a small thing the night before with his dad - that's not that big of a deal.

Love for your husband includes fostering an atmosphere where he is close with his family, whether or not you go.

My husband is a bit lazy sometimes where concerns spending enough time with his family, and there are occasions his family will be doing various things and I find myself being unable to attend due to health issues.

I always always encourage my husband to go without me - to the point of practically shoving him out the door if need be... haha (not really but you get the point).

Look, whether you get along with his dad or not, this is a good opportunity for him and his dad to work out their issues, and that's a positive thing. As his wife who loves him, it shouldn't matter whether your invited or not...

Certainly it feels better to be invited, but thats superficial. Being in a relationship doesn't mean your always going to do every single thing together.

Enjoy the time you have alone without kids or husband to bother you, and get the night before cooking done for your family thanksgiving dinner... see it as a gift, because in many ways having some time alone to do the pies and get things prepped is nice.

And just be happy... be happy for the man you love, and be happy your working through it all.. sounds like that's a miracle in and of itself.

Sparagmos · Nov 8, 2020

Stephavery said:
i did. He gets really emotional and says “well you caused this”. . He gets loud and I don’t want my kids to hear so I walk away

Has he fully owned up to his abudive behavior that was present before you cheated? If not, it doesn’t seem like you are truly starting over.

Sparagmos · Nov 8, 2020

Stephavery said:
But he doesn’t forgive me...and keeps hurting me with his words. I feel like I am in a box. Judged and hated every single day.

Goodness gracious. That’s not love. IMO you should be separated until you both are able to be kind, forgiving, and loving. Period. Because if you can’t, what’s the point?

SANTOSO · Nov 8, 2020

Stephavery said:
Hi,

I have been married 22 years. Three years ago I cheated. I didn’t tell my husband but I did leave him a year later. I left because he was abusive, not for another man. Mainly emotionally, sometimes physically, which led to my horrible and wrong decision to turn to another man.

My husband was devestated when I left him. I did end up telling him about the other guy and he was hurt even more. After that he dated (slept with) many women. We were separated.

But then, We began seeing each other again but he continued to sleep around (unbeknownst to me).....anyway, lots has happened after that but we eventually chose to forgive and reconcile. (3 months ago)

So tonight he said he was going to take our kids to his dad’s Thanksgiving Eve. I am not invited. He said his dad hates me. The thing is, my husband and his dad haven’t had a relationship in years. He was a horrible, abusive father. His dad has never been part of my kid’s lives. But he confided in his dad when I left, so now they have a relationship again

I am not asking for advice about our struggles or reconciliation. I am sure his Dad doesn’t have the entire story about how my husband slept around when I thought we were reconciling. All I know is I am not invited to a man’s house, who I know is a born again believer. Why is he choosing his Dad over me?

I don’t even know if I have a question. Well, other than how do I fully give my heart back to someone that isn’t choosing me first?
And how do I refrain from being bitter when things like this happen? I get cold and shut down. That isn’t good for either of us and leads to fights.

Stephavery,
we have heard you that you love your husband and father of your children, when you say : how do I fully give my heart back to someone that isn’t choosing me first?

Stephavery, God have loved you first before you were choosing Him first. So, return to God first. Turn from your sin and come back to God. Let God helps you ! Yes, He can help you turn your husband’s heart back to you ? Yes, eventually your husband choose you first if you continue to believe the Lord’s help.

You have asked : And how do I refrain from being bitter when things like this happen?

There is a way that you can refrain from being bitter, even though things like you say have happened. There is a hope that many can testify.

How ? If you are to be healed emotionally and gained the Lord’s strength and steadfast love,
you have to call to mind, this is what we have heard:

But this I call to mind, and therefore I have hope: -Lamentations 3:21
The steadfast love of the LORD never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; -Lamentations 3:22
they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. -Lamentations 3:23
"The LORD is my portion," says my soul, "therefore I will hope in him." -Lamentations 3:24
The LORD is good to those who wait for him, to the soul who seeks him. -Lamentations 3:25

We wait for the steadfast love of the Lord and His mercies or compassion that are new every morning. His grace of repentance will strengthen your heart everyday.
Don’t be moved by what you see and feel when you meet your husband that move you into despair, discouragement, hopelessness, bitterness, anger, hate, and darkness.
Just trust in the strength of the Lord to carry this cross.
Keep on trusting in the Lord’s steadfast love that is poured on you abundantly.
Perhaps you may ask, how ?

This is what we have heard:
Many are the sorrows of the wicked, but steadfast love surrounds the one who TRUSTS in the LORD. -Psalms 32:10

If you have daily repented of your sins, believe that you are forgiven, and trust the Lord’s steadfast love ! When you have trusted in His gracious love, His steadfast love will surround you. You will find delight in the presence of the Lord’s abounding love.

When you are filled in the Spirit of His love, you will overflow with thanksgiving and give God glory like when Mary anoint Jesus’s feet.

When you shine brightly, your husband, children and others will notice ! Your fights will turn to fellowship of peace and righteousness in Christ Jesus.

Perhaps, you may ask, how do I perserve in this situation ?

when you are suffering for what is wrong with you, repent in true contrition, seek the Lord wholeheartedly and treasure His words and get back to the Lord’s side and be found in His steadfast love and mercies.

When you are suffering for what is right, you are suffering for righteousness’s sake, that is, you are suffering for the Lord, as we have heard :
But rejoice insofar as you share Christ's sufferings, that you may also rejoice and be glad when his glory is revealed. -1 Peter 4:13

Perhaps，you are asking how you are able to bear with this suffering for Christ’s sake ?
Remember :
The LORD is the strength of his people; he is the saving refuge of his anointed. -Psalms 28:8

When you are suffering being lied, condemn after you have asked for forgiveness and reconciliation; surrender your burden to the Lord, hide in His refuge and take hold of the Lord’s promises.

As we have heard: Blessed be the Lord, who daily bears us up; God is our salvation. Selah -Psalms 68:19

This is the promise that the Lord bears our burdens, so surrender your burdens to Him, and let the Lord bears you up, give thanks to the Lord for His faithfulness.

Continue to trust in the power of the Lord’s redemption to deliver you out of this trouble.

Yes, the Lord can bring you out of distress.
Ask God the Holy Spirit to give thanksgiving eve where you, your husband, your children and the big family can be united in Christ to truly celebrate the thanksgiving by offering overflowing thanks to God the Father for His steadfast love and His mercies.

Let this promise be yours and your family:
Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life, and I shall dwell in the house of the LORD forever. -Psalms 23:6

Tyler52 · Nov 8, 2020

SeventyOne said:
No innocent parties here. Two things. He should be choosing you first because as the scriptures state "a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife". Second, if the FIL is unforgiving, don't automatically assume he's a true believer since he doesn't behave like one. Treat him as an apostate until you know for sure. If he is a true believer, at some point the Holy Spirit will convict him and make him completely miserable until he repents.

That means that she can’t judge him (am I correct?)

Tyler52 · Nov 8, 2020

Stephavery said:
Hi,

I have been married 22 years. Three years ago I cheated. I didn’t tell my husband but I did leave him a year later. I left because he was abusive, not for another man. Mainly emotionally, sometimes physically, which led to my horrible and wrong decision to turn to another man.

My husband was devestated when I left him. I did end up telling him about the other guy and he was hurt even more. After that he dated (slept with) many women. We were separated.

But then, We began seeing each other again but he continued to sleep around (unbeknownst to me).....anyway, lots has happened after that but we eventually chose to forgive and reconcile. (3 months ago)

So tonight he said he was going to take our kids to his dad’s Thanksgiving Eve. I am not invited. He said his dad hates me. The thing is, my husband and his dad haven’t had a relationship in years. He was a horrible, abusive father. His dad has never been part of my kid’s lives. But he confided in his dad when I left, so now they have a relationship again

I am not asking for advice about our struggles or reconciliation. I am sure his Dad doesn’t have the entire story about how my husband slept around when I thought we were reconciling. All I know is I am not invited to a man’s house, who I know is a born again believer. Why is he choosing his Dad over me?

I don’t even know if I have a question. Well, other than how do I fully give my heart back to someone that isn’t choosing me first?
And how do I refrain from being bitter when things like this happen? I get cold and shut down. That isn’t good for either of us and leads to fights.

Would you take advice from someone whose never had a girlfriend?

com7fy8 · Nov 9, 2020

So, you know it is wrong to be unforgiving, to commit adultery, to push the buttons of a person's weaknesses. So, this is good how you know this.

And God knows what He desires to do. So, "What do You want to do with me, now?"

Strong in Him · Nov 9, 2020

Stephavery said:
i did. He gets really emotional and says “well you caused this”. . He gets loud and I don’t want my kids to hear so I walk away

Does he know that it was his abuse of you that led you to leave him?

Whether or not you turned to another man and were wrong to do so is not the point.
Presumably he vowed to love, honour and cherish you when you married - how is abusing you keeping those vows?

And I've just read another response; please don't say you were "pushing his buttons". He is a grown man; he could choose whether or not to hit a woman and presumably was intelligent enough to know that he was doing so.

Strong in Him · Nov 9, 2020

Stephavery said:
But he doesn’t forgive me...and keeps hurting me with his words. I feel like I am in a box. Judged and hated every single day.

Do you want to remain in a box; judged and hated every single day?

Dave L · Nov 9, 2020

Stephavery said:
Hi,

I have been married 22 years. Three years ago I cheated. I didn’t tell my husband but I did leave him a year later. I left because he was abusive, not for another man. Mainly emotionally, sometimes physically, which led to my horrible and wrong decision to turn to another man.

My husband was devestated when I left him. I did end up telling him about the other guy and he was hurt even more. After that he dated (slept with) many women. We were separated.

But then, We began seeing each other again but he continued to sleep around (unbeknownst to me).....anyway, lots has happened after that but we eventually chose to forgive and reconcile. (3 months ago)

So tonight he said he was going to take our kids to his dad’s Thanksgiving Eve. I am not invited. He said his dad hates me. The thing is, my husband and his dad haven’t had a relationship in years. He was a horrible, abusive father. His dad has never been part of my kid’s lives. But he confided in his dad when I left, so now they have a relationship again

I am not asking for advice about our struggles or reconciliation. I am sure his Dad doesn’t have the entire story about how my husband slept around when I thought we were reconciling. All I know is I am not invited to a man’s house, who I know is a born again believer. Why is he choosing his Dad over me?

I don’t even know if I have a question. Well, other than how do I fully give my heart back to someone that isn’t choosing me first?
And how do I refrain from being bitter when things like this happen? I get cold and shut down. That isn’t good for either of us and leads to fights.

Families can be the worst substitutes for friends you can find.

tturt · Nov 9, 2020

Said your father-in-law is a minister but won't forgive you. I've noticed that some don't know what God has said about a particular topic while others know but haven't surrendered themselves enough to follow His Word. We're all at different places in our spiritual growth. The length of time they've been a believer isn't a marker.

Encourage to watch "Marriage Today" Those televised programs are on Daystar.

Plus their website marriagetoday.com/category/tv-episodes/ has probably 60 free episodes including "What a man really needs" and 'What a woman really needs" by Jimmy Evan's ministries. All teachings are Biblically based. Plus there's books, videos, etc. He was recently interviewed on Joni: Table Table for 4 sessions about his book "The Four Laws of Love." Think those can still be viewed.

There's hundreds on youtube.

Brightmoon · Nov 9, 2020

Your husband is being disrespectful to you in front of your children by siding with his father. It’s your marriage after all. He’d been abusive to you in the past . Those are red flags to me . He’s cheated also but you’re the only one being punished for it . To me it looks like the abuse is gonna continue . Everything about this situation stinks . I’d try professional help .

oldtrail · Nov 9, 2020

Stephavery said:
Hi,

I have been married 22 years. Three years ago I cheated. I didn’t tell my husband but I did leave him a year later. I left because he was abusive, not for another man. Mainly emotionally, sometimes physically, which led to my horrible and wrong decision to turn to another man.

My husband was devestated when I left him. I did end up telling him about the other guy and he was hurt even more. After that he dated (slept with) many women. We were separated.

But then, We began seeing each other again but he continued to sleep around (unbeknownst to me).....anyway, lots has happened after that but we eventually chose to forgive and reconcile. (3 months ago)

So tonight he said he was going to take our kids to his dad’s Thanksgiving Eve. I am not invited. He said his dad hates me. The thing is, my husband and his dad haven’t had a relationship in years. He was a horrible, abusive father. His dad has never been part of my kid’s lives. But he confided in his dad when I left, so now they have a relationship again

I am not asking for advice about our struggles or reconciliation. I am sure his Dad doesn’t have the entire story about how my husband slept around when I thought we were reconciling. All I know is I am not invited to a man’s house, who I know is a born again believer. Why is he choosing his Dad over me?

I don’t even know if I have a question. Well, other than how do I fully give my heart back to someone that isn’t choosing me first?
And how do I refrain from being bitter when things like this happen? I get cold and shut down. That isn’t good for either of us and leads to fights.

oldtrail · Nov 9, 2020

It's good to hear you both have come back together. If you both have forgiven each other it should be over. You may not forget what has happened. Now you both must believe in forgiveness comes from God. It's troublesome that he has turned to dad and not you. Your marriage should take first place in your lives. God say's when married we become as one. Matt: 19-6, "What therefore God hath joined together: let no man put asunder ". Pray for your husband that God will open his eyes and heart again to you. This is not a simple solution to answer. As for his father, he stands in judgment from God for hatred. People fail to fear God, as we can die suddenly and then judgment comes. Again you pray to God for your own faith and strength during these hard times and continue to pray for your husband and father-in-law. All Christians reading of this and other stories of struggles should pray immediately for answered prayers.

My husband’s father, who was FWB preacher, will not forgive me

Member

Newbie

The untamed daughter

that your faith might rest in the power of God

Well-Known Member

Well-Known Member

:sighing:

Well-Known Member

Well-Known Member

Well-Known Member

Active Member

Active Member

Well-Known Member

Great is thy faithfulness

Great is thy faithfulness

Well-Known Member

Senior Veteran

Apes and humans are all in family Hominidae.

New Member

New Member

Similar threads