I find your post really interesting and honest but and here's the big but, do you want to follow GOD as he intends for you to follow HIM or with how you intend, want to follow HIM. This is something seen throughout Christendom at the present time, people making GOD in their image and how they wish HIM to be. This could be called Idolatry and with justification in my opinion. Making a GOD to suit ones self.
I hope you seek GOD and let yourself be lead by the Holy Spirit into all truth.
Peace be with you
Do not love the world or the things in the world. If anyone loves the world, the love of the Father is not in him
We no longer look to be served. We look to serve and give our lives for others. No longer fight for privilege, influence and status. We esteem others better than ourselves and put their interests above our own.