How do I love my terrible wife?

Psalm 27 · Oct 9, 2020

Petros2015 said:
lol. But did the people living with him believe it? That's the question.

I noticed a complete change in his personality. He was much calmer, thoughtful, whereas, he used to be quite confrontational (I didn’t know he was bi-polar, hadn’t even heard of it). He was on a faith journey at Theological college and was almost embarrassed to tell me that he’d been healed. Stopped taking his meds!...I honestly believe he was supernaturally healed by The Lord.

He got married and had a child, not seen him for nine years though.

Junia · Oct 9, 2020

Wolseley said:
I'm not necessarily suggesting a psychiatrist. It could come to that, but any competent medical doctor can check for hormone imbalances, thyroid problems, etc. Maybe you could switch insurance companies, or something, and tell her that you both need complete physicals for the company to accept you, then pigeonhole the doctor privately and let him/her know about your suspicions and request the appropriate tests.

I'm just spitballing here. It would be a hassle, yes, but is it worth the hassle to find a solution to your present hassle, is what you have to ask yourself. Here's another thing to bear in mind: if her condition is continuing to deteriorate, and she becomes more violent, how far might she go? If you do something that really sends her over the edge, is it possible that she might come after you with a butcher knife? Are you willing to risk your life because you're reluctant to suggest that she get help? If you are, it may be time to leave.

There are no easy solutions here. I'm just throwing stuff out there for you to think about that may help you in your choices. I feel for you.

I think you're probably right.

Classic PTSD. Hypervigilance, paranoia, and reaction to uncomfortable stimuli. This, I know about; I've had PTSD from my military experiences for 40 years.

Old King Solomon had 700 wives and 300 concubines, so he certainly should know.

View attachment 285953

I

Me too. Complex PTSD. Caused by abuse from my father and other men.

My father wasn't evil. He abused me because he was mentally unwell...I still had to go low contact and leave him because even though the abuse wasn't his fault it was causing me to become unstable too and try and my life...

Even if someone is a victim doesn't mean they are safe to be around

Of course I understand leaving a marriage is different from leaving a parent. The first must be much harder

Wolseley · Oct 9, 2020

WrappedUpinHisLove3 said:
I

Me too. Complex PTSD. Caused by abuse from my father and other men.

My father wasn't evil. He abused me because he was mentally unwell...I still had to go low contact and leave him because even though the abuse wasn't his fault it was causing me to become unstable too and try and my life...

Even if someone is a victim doesn't mean they are safe to be around

Of course I understand leaving a marriage is different from leaving a parent. The first must be much harder

I'm sorry to hear about your situation.

My sister has PTSD as well, from being in a marriage with an abusive alcoholic for 18 years. She has problems with people who are being loud and belligerent. My problems are loud noises resembling gunfire, and sometimes, certain smells---cordite and diesel fuel are two big triggers.

Aussie Pete · Oct 10, 2020

fishmansf said:
I want to love my wife as Christ loves the Church, I want to have patience with her, I want to reject anger and have compassion and mercy on her and bear fruit. She claims to be a Christian but is the most spiteful, impatient, easily angered, and gossipy person I know. She intentionally attacks my insecurities to "get at me", is so easily triggered by anything I say, creates a list of grievances against me and when I go to change and fix them, she claims I am not doing anything to fix them and then rejects my attempt at fixing my issues. She will get angry and swear at me, make me the bad guys for everything that goes wrong. I will get vulnerable when she is not angry sometimes and share the weight of my sin, stressors, desires, etc. and she will lovingly listen to me, then within 30 minutes go ballistic and use all of my stressors and insecurities I just poured out to her as a weapon against me. She attempts to read her Bible but I believe just sees it as a chore. I have told her countless times about how easily she is angered and asked her where her fruit is and telling her that she cannot behave like this and needs to stop now (to which I received major anger, to be honest, probably rightfully so) to which she goes ballistic and paints me as a legalist. I hope and pray daily that one day, she will stumble across Proverbs 31 and realize that she is NOT the Proverbs 31 wife and I pray that she reads Proverbs 25:24 and realizes she is that woman then turns to the Gospel, changes her ways, and finds mercy and grace in God's presence. I pray that every day nearly. I am with my faults too. Sometimes these things are because of ways I react to her going ballistic but this woman is the most spiteful and contentuous woman I know. The worst part? Within a few hours she is back to her sweet self and apologizes, just to return right back to her vomit so to speak the next day. Jesus said that he who is angry with his brother has already commit murder in his own heart. This woman brings me to anger every time we fight (which is nearly every day). I don't believe in divorce otherwise I would be long gone, I want to bear fruit and have mercy on her but I cannot find it in my heart. She is slowly pushing me away and killing my fruit. How do I love my wife who is so terrible to me? I have prayed time and time again to no avail. I feel nearly hopeless at this point and we haven't even been married a year. I know there will be plenty of "well if you knew this you shouldn't have married her" but this new behavior is entirely new to marriage. Please pray and give me guidance brothers and sisters.

It's tough. Only Jesus can love the unlovable. Only He has the kind of patient endurance that you need. He also knows why we are the way we are. Your only hope is to exchange your natural love, abilities, talents, patience etc for the love of Jesus. Confess your inability. Ask Lord Jesus to live out His life in you, through you and in place of what was there when you were born.

By the way, the root cause of anger is pride. If two people suffer pride issues, life can get real messy very quickly. It leads to unforgiveness which is the main cause of divorce. You can't be humble. Let Jesus be your humility also. If you let Lord Jesus shine through you, she may well melt and repent as the Holy Spirit convicts her.

Psalm 27 · Oct 10, 2020

WrappedUpinHisLove3 said:
I

Me too. Complex PTSD. Caused by abuse from my father and other men.

My father wasn't evil. He abused me because he was mentally unwell...I still had to go low contact and leave him because even though the abuse wasn't his fault it was causing me to become unstable too and try and my life...

Even if someone is a victim doesn't mean they are safe to be around

Of course I understand leaving a marriage is different from leaving a parent. The first must be much harder

So sorry for the abuse you’ve suffered

All Glory To God · Oct 10, 2020

fishmansf said:
I want to love my wife as Christ loves the Church, I want to have patience with her, I want to reject anger and have compassion and mercy on her and bear fruit. She claims to be a Christian but is the most spiteful, impatient, easily angered, and gossipy person I know. She intentionally attacks my insecurities to "get at me", is so easily triggered by anything I say, creates a list of grievances against me and when I go to change and fix them, she claims I am not doing anything to fix them and then rejects my attempt at fixing my issues. She will get angry and swear at me, make me the bad guys for everything that goes wrong. I will get vulnerable when she is not angry sometimes and share the weight of my sin, stressors, desires, etc. and she will lovingly listen to me, then within 30 minutes go ballistic and use all of my stressors and insecurities I just poured out to her as a weapon against me. She attempts to read her Bible but I believe just sees it as a chore. I have told her countless times about how easily she is angered and asked her where her fruit is and telling her that she cannot behave like this and needs to stop now (to which I received major anger, to be honest, probably rightfully so) to which she goes ballistic and paints me as a legalist. I hope and pray daily that one day, she will stumble across Proverbs 31 and realize that she is NOT the Proverbs 31 wife and I pray that she reads Proverbs 25:24 and realizes she is that woman then turns to the Gospel, changes her ways, and finds mercy and grace in God's presence. I pray that every day nearly. I am with my faults too. Sometimes these things are because of ways I react to her going ballistic but this woman is the most spiteful and contentuous woman I know. The worst part? Within a few hours she is back to her sweet self and apologizes, just to return right back to her vomit so to speak the next day. Jesus said that he who is angry with his brother has already commit murder in his own heart. This woman brings me to anger every time we fight (which is nearly every day). I don't believe in divorce otherwise I would be long gone, I want to bear fruit and have mercy on her but I cannot find it in my heart. She is slowly pushing me away and killing my fruit. How do I love my wife who is so terrible to me? I have prayed time and time again to no avail. I feel nearly hopeless at this point and we haven't even been married a year. I know there will be plenty of "well if you knew this you shouldn't have married her" but this new behavior is entirely new to marriage. Please pray and give me guidance brothers and sisters.

Cut her spending allowance when she speaks to you disrespectfully. You do have your own private bank account I trust?

Psalm 27 · Oct 10, 2020

All Glory To God said:
Cut her spending allowance when she speaks to you disrespectfully. You do have your own private bank account I trust?

Wow. Welcome to the 21st century

honey badger · Oct 10, 2020

All Glory To God said:
Cut her spending allowance when she speaks to you disrespectfully. You do have your own private bank account I trust?

pouring petrol on a fire is a sure way to put it out

SANTOSO · Oct 10, 2020

fishmansf said:
I want to love my wife as Christ loves the Church, I want to have patience with her, I want to reject anger and have compassion and mercy on her and bear fruit. She claims to be a Christian but is the most spiteful, impatient, easily angered, and gossipy person I know. She intentionally attacks my insecurities to "get at me", is so easily triggered by anything I say, creates a list of grievances against me and when I go to change and fix them, she claims I am not doing anything to fix them and then rejects my attempt at fixing my issues. She will get angry and swear at me, make me the bad guys for everything that goes wrong. I will get vulnerable when she is not angry sometimes and share the weight of my sin, stressors, desires, etc. and she will lovingly listen to me, then within 30 minutes go ballistic and use all of my stressors and insecurities I just poured out to her as a weapon against me. She attempts to read her Bible but I believe just sees it as a chore. I have told her countless times about how easily she is angered and asked her where her fruit is and telling her that she cannot behave like this and needs to stop now (to which I received major anger, to be honest, probably rightfully so) to which she goes ballistic and paints me as a legalist. I hope and pray daily that one day, she will stumble across Proverbs 31 and realize that she is NOT the Proverbs 31 wife and I pray that she reads Proverbs 25:24 and realizes she is that woman then turns to the Gospel, changes her ways, and finds mercy and grace in God's presence. I pray that every day nearly. I am with my faults too. Sometimes these things are because of ways I react to her going ballistic but this woman is the most spiteful and contentuous woman I know. The worst part? Within a few hours she is back to her sweet self and apologizes, just to return right back to her vomit so to speak the next day. Jesus said that he who is angry with his brother has already commit murder in his own heart. This woman brings me to anger every time we fight (which is nearly every day). I don't believe in divorce otherwise I would be long gone, I want to bear fruit and have mercy on her but I cannot find it in my heart. She is slowly pushing me away and killing my fruit. How do I love my wife who is so terrible to me? I have prayed time and time again to no avail. I feel nearly hopeless at this point and we haven't even been married a year. I know there will be plenty of "well if you knew this you shouldn't have married her" but this new behavior is entirely new to marriage. Please pray and give me guidance brothers and sisters.

Have you unload your BURDEN to the Lord ?
If you continue to hold onto the burden regarding your wife and marriage, you will grow weary and faint hearted.

This is what we have heard :
Cast your burden on the LORD, and He WILL SUSTAIN you; He will never permit the righteous to be moved. -Psalms 55:22

Let the Lord lead you in His righteousness

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your understanding ( mind). In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make straight your paths. -Proverbs 3:6

Junia · Oct 11, 2020

Aussie Pete said:
It's tough. Only Jesus can love the unlovable. Only He has the kind of patient endurance that you need. He also knows why we are the way we are. Your only hope is to exchange your natura

l love, abilities, talents, patience etc for the love of Jesus. Confess your inability. Ask Lord Jesus to live out His life in you, through you and in place of what was there when you were born.

By the way, the root cause of anger is pride. If two people suffer pride issues, life can get real messy very quickly. It leads to unforgiveness which is the main cause of divorce. You can't be humble. Let Jesus be your humility also. If you let Lord Jesus shine through you, she may well melt and repent as the Holy Spirit convicts her.

Pride or fear. Either or both of these. I had anger issues ending in self harm and physical rage. I was taught by my therapist to deal with underlying fears and anxieties that triggered the rages...one I identified these I realised I could deal with them and ask God to remove the fears and help me with strategies to control the mood swings until those fears have been dealt with completely

Jesse Dornfeld · Oct 11, 2020

I am sorry to see your struggle here. As an encouragement, I want to point out this verse (I was going to list the fruits of the Spirit, but you seem to be spending time there and that is good):

Philippians 4:8 Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things. 9 What you have learned and received and heard and seen in me—practice these things, and the God of peace will be with you.

Endeavourer · Oct 13, 2020

I've read all of your posts on this thread, and have some good news for you. Your behaviors are causing some of your problems. The reason that's good news is that you can change your behaviors.

First, your demands for you to be the leader are likely part of what's enraging her. A marriage can be happy when you both consider the other's feelings and needs, and negotiate until you are both mutually enthusiastic. Your thread "How to lead a disobedient wife into holiness" further confirms your mindset in this regard. As long as you feel entitled to her obedience and your "leadership", your marriage simply will not prosper. It will just continue on as it is now.

Secondly, don't behave at her expense. For example, when you were both going for a walk she was expecting to spend time with you, but instead you unilaterally told her you were going to leave her behind to do your running. She didn't like that but you did it anyway.

Thirdly, the amount of disrespect and disdain you feel towards her is not only evident to us but it is evident to her as well.

Fourthly, don't diagnose your wife. That is highly disrespectful. You are treating her as if she is mentally defective because she is not responding well to your behaviors that I have mentioned above, as well as other situations.

Fifthly, as long as you blame your anger on your wife, you are not a safe husband to her. You say "This woman brings me to anger every time we fight". You and you alone are responsible to refrain from anger.

Sixth, you are educating, moralizing and sermonizing her on how she is to behave. This is an enormous love buster and will cause your wife emotional distress, as well as cause her to fall out of love with you.

There is a lot of change that can be made in your marriage that is under your control. If you want to be coached on how to change these behaviors, post your story at marriagebuiders.com and the volunteers there will help you.

In my assessment, your contributions to your marital situation are significant, and potentially even the root cause of it. That is good news because you can change your behaviors and can lead the way by providing a marriage that is safe for her.

If you choose to continue behaving this way, I would advise that you separate immediately, for her safety.

Psalm 27 · Oct 13, 2020

Endeavourer said:
I've read all of your posts on this thread, and have some good news for you. Your behaviors are causing some of your problems. The reason that's good news is that you can change your behaviors.

First, your demands for you to be the leader are likely part of what's enraging her. A marriage can be happy when you both consider the other's feelings and needs, and negotiate until you are both mutually enthusiastic. Your thread "How to lead a disobedient wife into holiness" further confirms your mindset in this regard. As long as you feel entitled to her obedience and your "leadership", your marriage simply will not prosper. It will just continue on as it is now.

Secondly, don't behave at her expense. For example, when you were both going for a walk she was expecting to spend time with you, but instead you unilaterally told her you were going to leave her behind to do your running. She didn't like that but you did it anyway.

Thirdly, the amount of disrespect and disdain you feel towards her is not only evident to us but it is evident to her as well.

Fourthly, don't diagnose your wife. That is highly disrespectful. You are treating her as if she is mentally defective because she is not responding well to your behaviors that I have mentioned above, as well as other situations.

Fifthly, as long as you blame your anger on your wife, you are not a safe husband to her. You say "This woman brings me to anger every time we fight". You and you alone are responsible to refrain from anger.

Sixth, you are educating, moralizing and sermonizing her on how she is to behave. This is an enormous love buster and will cause your wife emotional distress, as well as cause her to fall out of love with you.

There is a lot of change that can be made in your marriage that is under your control. If you want to be coached on how to change these behaviors, post your story at marriagebuiders.com and the volunteers there will help you.

In my assessment, your contributions to your marital situation are significant, and potentially even the root cause of it. That is good news because you can change your behaviors and can lead the way by providing a marriage that is safe for her.

If you choose to continue behaving this way, I would advise that you separate immediately, for her safety.

Ephesians 5:22-33 (I think some husbands must stop reading when they get to verse 25). My oh, loves to quote the first three verses to me.

Endeavourer · Oct 13, 2020

Verse 21 is an integral part of the Eph 5:22-33 passage. V. 22 does not have a verb. In the Greek, when a verse does not have a verb it is referring to the context of the prior sentence. V. 21 speaks of mutual submission. V. 22 is an application of V. 21 but it does not eliminate the mutuality of the submission in V. 21.

If your husband quotes the second through the fourth verses at you, he is in grave error. Your submission is given to you and you alone. There is not a single verse in the Bible that allows him to enforce your submission to him. Paul's verse was radical in its time because that culture gave the woman's submission to the husbands to enforce. Look carefully at Paul's writings and you will find he never writes of a man enforcing or demanding his wife's submission.

You could say to your husband that if those verses are enforceable by the other - if he has to enforce your submission - you have to enforce that the drops dead, right? The command to him is to give himself like Christ gave himself. This devolves into rank silliness unless you realize that v. 21 is part of the passage.

Christ submitted himself unto death for us. Christ's role to the husbands is also one of submission.

Finally, the model that the husband models Christ and the wife models the church is often called up. Christ is not ruling and legalizing the church day in and day out like a husband demanding obedience from his wife does. There is no parallels in those two behaviors whatsoever.

As an example, if your husband commits a sin in his day, Christ says **nothing** to your husband about it, and demands **nothing**. He stands by silently. He is not a day to day audible scold and legalistic master to your husband. Nor is your husband to be your legalistic master - he is to model Christ's behavior.

Mutual love and submission in a marriage is an amazing thing. It will bring about the most delightful marriage that you had ever dared to dream of. Neither party is acting at the other's expense, causing hurt and pain to the other. Instead, both parties act out of sincere and devoted love to the other - each taking the lowest seat to the other. Esteeming other better than self. It's an upward spiral that provides unending bliss in a marriage. Ask me how I know.

Psalm 27 · Oct 13, 2020

Endeavourer said:
Verse 21 is an integral part of the Eph 5:22-33 passage. V. 22 does not have a verb. In the Greek, when a verse does not have a verb it is referring to the context of the prior sentence. V. 21 speaks of mutual submission. V. 22 is an application of V. 21 but it does not eliminate the mutuality of the submission in V. 21.

If your husband quotes the second through the fourth verses at you, he is in grave error. Your submission is given to you and you alone. There is not a single verse in the Bible that allows him to enforce your submission to him. Paul's verse was radical in its time because that culture gave the woman's submission to the husbands to enforce. Look carefully at Paul's writings and you will find he never writes of a man enforcing or demanding his wife's submission.

You could say to your husband that if those verses are enforceable by the other - if he has to enforce your submission - you have to enforce that the drops dead, right? The command to him is to give himself like Christ gave himself. This devolves into rank silliness unless you realize that v. 21 is part of the passage.

Christ submitted himself unto death for us. Christ's role to the husbands is also one of submission.

Finally, the model that the husband models Christ and the wife models the church is often called up. Christ is not ruling and legalizing the church day in and day out like a husband demanding obedience from his wife does. There is no parallels in those two behaviors whatsoever.

As an example, if your husband commits a sin in his day, Christ says **nothing** to your husband about it, and demands **nothing**. He stands by silently. He is not a day to day audible scold and legalistic master to your husband. Nor is your husband to be your legalistic master - he is to model Christ's behavior.

Mutual love and submission in a marriage is an amazing thing. It will bring about the most delightful marriage that you had ever dared to dream of. Neither party is acting at the other's expense, causing hurt and pain to the other. Instead, both parties act out of sincere and devoted love to the other - each taking the lowest seat to the other. Esteeming other better than self. It's an upward spiral that provides unending bliss in a marriage. Ask me how I know.

How do you know?

Endeavourer · Oct 13, 2020

Psalm 27 said:
How do you know?

Because my marriage operates that way. My husband and I are deeply in love with each other and most days finds a comment from one or the other on how beautiful or amazing our relationship together is. The years have only strengthened and deepened our unity. His understanding of his headship/leadership is the servant model of leadership. Of course, this only inspires me to return the same to him - not out of obligation and duty but out of an immense, deep love for him. It's an upward spiral of mutual submission that never ends. He does not carve v. 21 out of his Bible.

My husband believes in male headship, but I believe in marital equality. He feels we have a headship marriage and I feel we have an equal marriage. When you follow the WHOLE counsel of the Bible, the practical outcome really comes down to the same thing. Esteem other better than self. Take the lowest seat. Don't be an angry man/woman. Etc. Ect. When the husband does this and stops acting at his wife's expense with his "51%" vote (not modeled or described ANYWHERE in the Bible), the marriage will flourish and prosper.

That's how I know.

Josephus · Oct 14, 2020

I'm afraid this will get lost in all the replies you've gotten. But this reply could very well fix everything.

G-d asked Abraham "why did your wife, Sarah, laugh?" - because it was Abraham's fault. This teaches us that our wives are our mirror in our relationship with G-d. She only does to you what you do with God. So, go fix yourself and your relationship with G-d, and you will have a fixed wife. It's a scriptural principle. This is often why wives do things that even they themselves can't explain. G-d bless! Your wife is your mirror in your relationship with G-d. Just as you don't get upset with a mirror, don't get upset at your wife. Fix your relationship with G-d and investigate everything your wife does that upsets you, and seek to understand how it reflects a reality in who you are before G-d and what therefore he's trying to tell you what you need to work on, through her. You see, without your wife, you wouldn't know all the things you need to work on. Realizing this for me, saved my marriage. It's a tragic waste to lose such a G-odly gift as a wife. It would leave you bereft of a treasured reflection of yourself showing you all the things you need to correct in this life before your time is up. To get started, examine every single complaint you have against your wife, and go to G-d and ask him to reveal to you how her behavior is related to any complaint He has against you. If you want to know more, ping me.

Endeavourer · Oct 14, 2020

@fishmansf

I'm very concerned for the emotional safety of your wife. What are your thoughts on Post#132? Will you go post at the marriagebuilders forum for help to do your part in correcting behaviors?

Discussion Forum (Marriage Builders®)

Alternatively, will she come here - or to marriagebuilders - to post?

NerdGirl · Oct 14, 2020

Is anyone else bothered by this notion that wives are nothing but "mirrors" for men? That a woman's sole purpose is to reflect who a man is? I don't know, that just does not sit well with me at all. Maybe I'm missing some crucial information here.

Petros2015 · Oct 14, 2020

Psalm 27 said:
(I think some husbands must stop reading when they get to verse 25)

Or when the wives bring the nails out and the full meaning of the verse dawns on them

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