How do I deal with my 13 year old gay grandson?

Kenny'sID

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The following is where you are at right now due to your faith:

Luke 12:53
"They will be divided, father against son and son against father, mother against daughter and daughter against mother, mother-in-law against daughter-in-law and daughter-in-law against mother-in-law."

And what is sad, it wasn't supposed to be like this for you. We should all be able to stay tight nit as a family and grow old that way..together. :(

This is costing you your joy.
 
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Job3315

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I need help please. My grandson who is 13 wants me to call him Nova - not Noah - anymore and to use pronouns like they/them when I am talking to him. I told his mom no. She supports him 100%. She is not a Christian. He went to church with me for 10 years or more and then decided he did not want to go anymore. That was fine. I understood. Do I call him those names now? I told them no and I was adamant but I dont know what to do now - as I have pushed them away. Our daughter holds us a grudge too for the past and seems very angry with us. Im at a loss now. Please help me with advice.

This is a tough one and my heart goes for you. I am struggling with my own niece who moved in with another young woman. She went through some male relationships that hurt her, so she decided to seek love in someone who didn't hurt her. I keep praying for her, but I stay firm in my decision to respect God first. I let her know I am not happy with her decision and that I keep praying for her.

I wouldn't do as your grandson asks, even if that means the division of the family. I would stand on my firm belief that that's exactly what Jesus would do as well, and if that's what he wants to do, then continue to pray for him, but I wouldn't cave in into his request.
 
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Mayflower1

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I would work from marriage and go backwards. I could not attend a gay wedding, because it is sin. It then becomes a question of when that boundary starts
How to show love, without compromising Truth. I wouldn't mind called him a different name. But I would tell him that God made him a boy, and that he is very special in God's sight. And while I loved him, I couldn't use feminine or neutral nouns to describe him. I am unsure if it is a sin to call oneself a girl as a guy. The sexual intent is what is the lust/sin. But God does not make mistakes. He knit us in our mother's womb. I feel so sorry for the kids in our world today. But I am excited to see God going to work.
 
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Cis.jd

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As time went on after that she was confused for a bit, wasn't attracted to the opposite sex and started being curious about the same.. it got to the point she talked to me about the way she was feeling.
I've met a lot of women who also became this way due to traumatic experiences such as rape, being molested, and other forms of abuse. They not only became gay but also very feminist in ideology. I guess the anger/phobia in men because of such experiences brought them there and they really can not come to any form of attraction towards the opposite sex due to it.

As for the topic, 13 is way too young. I assume there could also be some toxicity the kid has been going through at church so whether i am right or wrong about that, it is best to not involve any form of religious views whenever you get the chance to talk about this situation of his.

Nova is a weird name but that it in my exp a serious thing when someone who is progressive LGBT starts changing his name to a name usually identified with the opposite sex. It makes no sense, i mean they hate pronouns so why are they changing their names that are more feminine or more masculine? I don't know.. but in general do not bring any Bible/Church talk to him.
 
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PloverWing

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I need help please. My grandson who is 13 wants me to call him Nova - not Noah - anymore and to use pronouns like they/them when I am talking to him. I told his mom no. She supports him 100%. She is not a Christian. He went to church with me for 10 years or more and then decided he did not want to go anymore. That was fine. I understood. Do I call him those names now? I told them no and I was adamant but I dont know what to do now - as I have pushed them away. Our daughter holds us a grudge too for the past and seems very angry with us. Im at a loss now. Please help me with advice.

Sorting through gender identity and expression can be challenging for teens and young adults, and knowing that they are loved by friends and family during this time is important. If you strongly disagree with your grandchild's current choices, but still want your grandchild to be part of your life, can you find a neutral middle ground? Could you, for instance, use the name "Nova" rather than "Noah", the way you would honor a person's wish to be Bob instead of Robert, or Liz instead of Elizabeth? And with careful sentence construction, you might be able to avoid using pronouns for your grandchild altogether.

You have to follow your conscience, so do what you think is best. But yes, using "Noah" and masculine pronouns will put distance between you and your grandchild.
 
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DamianWarS

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I need help please. My grandson who is 13 wants me to call him Nova - not Noah - anymore and to use pronouns like they/them when I am talking to him. I told his mom no. She supports him 100%. She is not a Christian. He went to church with me for 10 years or more and then decided he did not want to go anymore. That was fine. I understood. Do I call him those names now? I told them no and I was adamant but I dont know what to do now - as I have pushed them away. Our daughter holds us a grudge too for the past and seems very angry with us. Im at a loss now. Please help me with advice.
it's a tough choice but I think with families you have more liberties with these things. Let's remove sexual/gender identity and your grandson came to you and said he wants to be called Axe now because he thinks its cooler. his goal is getting a cooler identity and as a grandparent, I believe you can have a relationship that says that your fondest memories of him is of Noah not another name, that's what your parents called you when you were born and that's the boy I fell in love with and will continue to love and continue to call Noah. As a grandparent, I think this is something you can probably pull rank in but still demonstrate love.

"Nova" means "new" in Latin and it is uniquely the feminine singular form of the adjective. "Novus" would be the masculine and "Novum" would be the gender-neutral form. I don't know how much he understands of the word but you could play with his logic a little saying if you really want to be gender-neutral than Novum is what you should be called as Nova is a girl's name (I doubt he would want to be called Novum) then say either way I'm still going to call you "Noah". This may affirm with him some understanding in what he desires and that you've thought about it (because it's important to you) without actually compromising in the end. You can look more about the Latin here.

You could also emphasize the meaning behind Noah which is a Hebrew name meaning "rest or comfort" and try and positively play with the meaning indicating that he is rest and comfort to you and it is the rest and comfort you will always love.

The key is building an identity of love behind his name that you call him Noah not because of defiance of who he is but because of love of who he is. Grandparents get away with calling their grandkids all kinds of nicknames no one else could say so I would perhaps at least play with that and make a deal with him that it is out of love not disrespect. Maybe even introduce the idea of calling you a different name and if he objects then you can affirm with him it's that same desire that you want to call us "grandma/grandpa" (or whatever he calls you) and not change this that we want to call you Noah.

For some reason, he is desiring a gender-neutral identity and I think broadly speaking this is fine such as if he doesn't identify with cliche male things like sports, guns, cars, etc... You can affirm with him there is nothing wrong with the way he sees the world and if he doesn't gravitate to cliche male dominate things it doesn't mean he is not a male it means he is unique and interesting but at 13 he will only see the differences. You can use this to affirm with him that his name also doesn't carry these meanings of what he should or should not be like. I wouldn't go into sexuality and I'm not suggesting approving of same-sex attractions but I think at that age he maybe is making choices like these because he doesn't fit the male mould and you can show him there is no such thing as a male mould, only the mould that God made. You need to be careful he doesn't interpret this as sexual liberty to like who he wants but keep it to broader gender identity like his favourite colour or favourite things to do (within reason). For example, let's say he loves baking but recognizes this is not a "boy thing" then take those opportunities to affirm these things and that they have nothing to do with him being a boy but are amazing qualities about him that you don't want to be changed (you have to figure out where the line is if he likes wearing dresses and putting on makeup you might not want to affirm these things). If he becomes secure in his own identity, not an invented identity (I'm making a lot of assumptions as to why he feels the way he does) he will probably make better choices in the future and gravitate to more healthy attractions with the opposite sex rather than possibly same-sex attractions which he may be rejecting internally but the more "Nova" continues same-sex attractions may start to make sense.

we are not born with sexual motivations so we are neither gay nor straight when we are born. we are born male/female. sexual motivates develop from environment and behaviour and will emerge during puberty. He's 13 and these things are hitting his mind of who he should be attracted to and who he should not be. These are the moments that shape his sexuality and you can help him navigate it more healthy understanding that labels don't make us male/female. I don't wake up and choose to be straight I just am straight and I can't change that. I'm an adult, married with kids and I've developed into the attractions I have, they developed when I was 11, 12, 13, 14 etc... and the older I got the more this identity was cemented in. You're grandson may be making a mould for himself but he's still wet cement and I would say nothing is set but over the years the path he chooses today will define who he is tomorrow. You can't control this but you can help him make better choices about who he is.
 
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Aussie Pete

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I need help please. My grandson who is 13 wants me to call him Nova - not Noah - anymore and to use pronouns like they/them when I am talking to him. I told his mom no. She supports him 100%. She is not a Christian. He went to church with me for 10 years or more and then decided he did not want to go anymore. That was fine. I understood. Do I call him those names now? I told them no and I was adamant but I dont know what to do now - as I have pushed them away. Our daughter holds us a grudge too for the past and seems very angry with us. Im at a loss now. Please help me with advice.
Is his name legally "Novah"? If not, you should call him Noah still. Truth is truth. There are two genders. God has not changed. For sure explain why you won't give into him. In order to be a true witness, often you have to make a stand that is going to create division. No one is going to be saved if you back down from the truth.
 
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Nigel Malka

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I need help please. My grandson who is 13 wants me to call him Nova - not Noah - anymore and to use pronouns like they/them when I am talking to him. I told his mom no. She supports him 100%. She is not a Christian. He went to church with me for 10 years or more and then decided he did not want to go anymore. That was fine. I understood. Do I call him those names now? I told them no and I was adamant but I don't know what to do now - as I have pushed them away. Our daughter holds us a grudge too for the past and seems very angry with us. Im at a loss now. Please help me with advice.
Why are so many Christians not doing what Jesus taught! It is I'm sure rejection and stoning such a person is the teaching that Caiaphas would have taught.

Read what Jesus taught In Matthew 19:11-12
J.B. Phillips “It is not everybody who can live up to this,” replied Jesus, “—only those who have a special gift. For some are incapable of marriage from birth, some are made incapable by the action of men, and some have made themselves so for the sake of the kingdom of Heaven. Let the man who can accept what I have said accept it.”
KJV But he said unto them, All men cannot receive this saying, save they to whom it is given.For there are some eunuchs, which were so born from their mother's womb: and there are some eunuchs, which were made eunuchs of men: and there be eunuchs, which have made themselves eunuchs for the kingdom of heaven's sake. He that is able to receive it, let him receive it.


This is then followed by
KJV Then were there brought unto him little children, that he should put his hands on them, and pray: and the disciples rebuked them. But Jesus said, Suffer little children, and forbid them not, to come unto me: for of such is the kingdom of heaven. And he laid his hands on them, and departed thence.

A 13 year old child need Love, understanding not hate and rejection.
I am not gay but I know of people who have been damage by this world and cannot trust others and have turned away from what God designed us to be. But Jesus tells us to understand them, love them and care for them no matter who they are.

YES A GAY PERSON CAN AND WILL BE LOVED BY JESUS! and our rejection of such people will turn them away from accepting his love. SHOW THE LOVE GOD HAS FOR YOU TO EVERYONE YOU MEET!
 
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Strong in Him

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Mkgal1 - its definitely about his sexuality. He thinks he is gay

Maybe he is.
None of us choose our sexuality. Sure, God created male and female, but sexuality and gender has become fallen and corrupted just as much as everything else in this fallen world. I have read magazine articles about girl toddlers playing with boys' toys, wearing jeans, hating it if they were forced into girls' clothes and later transitioning so they became male. It seems they have known from a young age that they were not what their bodies said they were.
As a Samaritan I have listened to calls from people who have been forced to suppress their sexuality for the sake of appearances or in order to be accepted by their own families. Is it right that a person should be forced to deny who they are?

If he'd been born with Down's syndrome, would you try to change what he was?
 
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Inkfingers

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I need help please. My grandson who is 13 wants me to call him Nova - not Noah - anymore and to use pronouns like they/them when I am talking to him. I told his mom no. She supports him 100%. She is not a Christian. He went to church with me for 10 years or more and then decided he did not want to go anymore. That was fine. I understood. Do I call him those names now? I told them no and I was adamant but I dont know what to do now - as I have pushed them away. Our daughter holds us a grudge too for the past and seems very angry with us. Im at a loss now. Please help me with advice.
He is a he and his name is Noah.

Pay no heed to the demands of the dishonest, and stick wih truth.
 
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seeking.IAM

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Here is a different perspective. You are a grandparent with no obligation to parent him. That is somebody else's job, his parents. A grandma's job is just to love someone, dote on them a bit, maybe spoil them and send them home. I might strive for mutual tolerance saying to him something like this. "You're my grandchild and I'll always love and accept you no matter what. I hope that you can love and accept me for who I am, including that it is hard for me to do what you ask."

I wonder what he would do with that approach?
 
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Nigel Malka

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Thinking on this maybe I should put Matthew 19 it another way for Jesus is answering the question is it better not to marry. In verse 10 -The disciples said to him, “If this is the situation between a husband and wife, it is better not to marry.”

Most men will want to have a wife but some will not want to. Some boys are born who will grow up not wanting to marry, while the world will make some not to desire women and there will be others who put God's work before marriage and if that is what they have decided let them get on with it.

Simple really:- Love all people and let them get on with their lives so they can come to a loving and personal relationship with Jesus and Our Heavenly Father. Hate no-one and try to understand their life is theirs not yours.

So Grandma love your Grandson call him by the name he wants, and please support your daughter by showing her and her family God's love. Jesus' love is such that we cannot decide for him who he loves and who he does not for that is not our role,He is God's one and only Judge.
 
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Tony B

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Thinking on this maybe I should put Matthew 19 it another way for Jesus is answering the question is it better not to marry. In verse 10 -The disciples said to him, “If this is the situation between a husband and wife, it is better not to marry.”

Most men will want to have a wife but some will not want to. Some boys are born who will grow up not wanting to marry, while the world will make some not to desire women and there will be others who put God's work before marriage and if that is what they have decided let them get on with it.

Simple really:- Love all people and let them get on with their lives so they can come to a loving and personal relationship with Jesus and Our Heavenly Father. Hate no-one and try to understand their life is theirs not yours.

So Grandma love your Grandson call him by the name he wants, and please support your daughter by showing her and her family God's love. Jesus' love is such that we cannot decide for him who he loves and who he does not for that is not our role,He is God's one and only Judge.

This is rubbish!
 
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Hazelelponi

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For example, let's say he loves baking but recognizes this is not a "boy thin

Actually one of the most heavily male dominated career paths on earth (even in 2020) is that of a chef... very difficult for women to break in when it gets to high level cooking/baking.

I think people think "oh that's girl stuff" or "oh thats guy stuff" when it really isn't because people are just unique, and it's usually okay to love doing something that may seem unconventional on the surface...

Our individuality is seen in everything... there's no one particularly guy thing or girl thing really.
 
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hedrick

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13 is young enough that there’s a reasonable chance they will change their mind about gender. But they’re less likely to forget how you treated them. They will also remember that this rejection was in the name of Christ. Luke 12:53 is about Christians being persecuted by others. It’s not telling us to break up our own families.

What I find weird is that you seem not to have been bothered that they are non Christian, but you’re expecting them to follow your views on gender. This just seems like an odd set of priorities. Why would you expect someone who isn’t a conservative Christian to follow conservative Christian rules?
 
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Tony B

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13 is young enough that there’s a reasonable chance they will change their mind about gender. But they’re less likely to forget how you treated them. They will also remember that this rejection was in the name of Christ. Luke 12:53 is about Christians being persecuted by others. It’s not telling us to break up our own families.

What I find weird is that you seem not to have been bothered that they are non Christian, but you’re expecting them to follow your views on gender. This just seems like an odd set of priorities. Why would you expect someone who isn’t a conservative Christian to follow conservative Christian rules?

I think it's a very good set of priorities she is embracing. The OP is preferring to honour the first commandment Jesus gave us, which is to love God and His ways above everyone and everything else.

Seems to me you may be forgetting that God finds everything to do with homosexualty as absolutely abhorrent. If you support anyone's homosexualty in anyway, and they die in their sin, you will be held culpable by God.
 
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Maria Billingsley

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I need help please. My grandson who is 13 wants me to call him Nova - not Noah - anymore and to use pronouns like they/them when I am talking to him. I told his mom no. She supports him 100%. She is not a Christian. He went to church with me for 10 years or more and then decided he did not want to go anymore. That was fine. I understood. Do I call him those names now? I told them no and I was adamant but I dont know what to do now - as I have pushed them away. Our daughter holds us a grudge too for the past and seems very angry with us. Im at a loss now. Please help me with advice.
I am sorry to hear of your situation. Honestly, I am not sure how your daughter can so easily accept her son slowly turn into a daughter. There must have been signs along the way that finally came to head at puberty. Your daughter and son in law have full responsibility in this matter. You, like everyone else in the family, are expected to abruptly change course and pretend this does not deeply hurt. For God's sake , your grandson wants to be a woman!
OK, now that I have expressed my true feelings on the matter, I believe there is a higher road to take so that the "will of the Father" shines through. This is not something you can do on your own. You will need help by the power of His Holy Spirit. I pray that you continually seek Him and His loving intervention over the matter. The situation is basically out of your hands. Be blessed.
 
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DamianWarS

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Actually one of the most heavily male dominated career paths on earth (even in 2020) is that of a chef... very difficult for women to break in when it gets to high level cooking/baking.
yeah, I get I've made a gender judgment in there but my point is not to objectively call something a boy thing and something a girl thing and so it doesn't really matter if baking is a boy/girl thing and if that's your take away you've missed the point. besides, it's not about what you and I think or an accomplished male chef thinks, it's what that 13 yr old boy thinks.

I think people think "oh that's girl stuff" or "oh thats guy stuff" when it really isn't because people are just unique, and it's usually okay to love doing something that may seem unconventional on the surface...

Our individuality is seen in everything... there's no one particularly guy thing or girl thing really.
this is more the point I'm trying to make but it's about communicating that effectively to a 13 yr old because in their world what is boy/girl stuff might be communicated or interpreted in different ways.
 
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