How do I love my terrible wife?

fishmansf said:

I want to love my wife as Christ loves the Church, I want to have patience with her, I want to reject anger and have compassion and mercy on her and bear fruit. She claims to be a Christian but is the most spiteful, impatient, easily angered, and gossipy person I know. She intentionally attacks my insecurities to "get at me", is so easily triggered by anything I say, creates a list of grievances against me and when I go to change and fix them, she claims I am not doing anything to fix them and then rejects my attempt at fixing my issues. She will get angry and swear at me, make me the bad guys for everything that goes wrong. I will get vulnerable when she is not angry sometimes and share the weight of my sin, stressors, desires, etc. and she will lovingly listen to me, then within 30 minutes go ballistic and use all of my stressors and insecurities I just poured out to her as a weapon against me. She attempts to read her Bible but I believe just sees it as a chore. I have told her countless times about how easily she is angered and asked her where her fruit is and telling her that she cannot behave like this and needs to stop now (to which I received major anger, to be honest, probably rightfully so) to which she goes ballistic and paints me as a legalist. I hope and pray daily that one day, she will stumble across Proverbs 31 and realize that she is NOT the Proverbs 31 wife and I pray that she reads Proverbs 25:24 and realizes she is that woman then turns to the Gospel, changes her ways, and finds mercy and grace in God's presence. I pray that every day nearly. I am with my faults too. Sometimes these things are because of ways I react to her going ballistic but this woman is the most spiteful and contentuous woman I know. The worst part? Within a few hours she is back to her sweet self and apologizes, just to return right back to her vomit so to speak the next day. This woman causes me to commit murder by way of anger in my heart every time we fight (which is nearly every day). I don't believe in divorce otherwise I would be long gone, I want to bear fruit and have mercy on her but I cannot find it in my heart. She is slowly pushing me away and killing my fruit. How do I love my wife who is so terrible to me? I have prayed time and time again to no avail. I feel nearly hopeless at this point and we haven't even been married a year. I know there will be plenty of "well if you knew this you shouldn't have married her" but this new behavior is entirely new to marriage. Please pray and give me guidance brothers and sisters.

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Welcome! Sorry to hear of your struggle.
It is time to separate as you have said the word"murder" in your description of anger. I know you would not take this step however your mental health is at stake here!!!
Take a break. Move in with a friend. Get Christian marriage counseling! Also there needs to be open communication. I will pray for you. Be blessed.

Encourage you to watch "Marriage Today" Those televised programs are on Daystar.

Plus their website marriagetoday.com/category/tv-episodes/ has probably 60 free episodes including "What a man really needs" and 'What a woman really needs" by Jimmy Evan's ministries. All teachings are Biblically based. Plus there's books, videos, etc.

He was interviewed on Joni Table Table for 4 sessions about his book "The Four Laws of Love." Think those can still be viewed.

There's hundreds on youtube.

This is 100% salvageable - everyone goes through phases like this, even the best of us. So definitely don't do anything irrational.

Initiate a spell of zero contact - a month at least, and give her some room to heal up (she sounds unhappy herself if I'm honest). In the meantime, don't worry about anything. Go and see some friends, have some fun and perhaps take up a new hobby or two. (And advise her to do the same.)

Individual growth can work wonders.

i don't know the answer apart of saying you are not alone, there are a lot of people unhappy with their wives and counselling usually doesn't help because the counsellor always picks the female side.

Men are supposedly to love their wives like Christ loves the Church, no one is talking about His disciplinarian side, all only talk about His graceful side. So it doesn't matter how badly your wife treats you, suck it up is their motto, but oh wrongful you, if you even as much as raise your voice against her, for she is the weaker vessel to be cherished loved and dotted on.

Our son is going through this right at this moment in time. She can manipulate, scream bad and mean things him, belittle him in front of the kids, steal from him, exploit and deceive him, but he is not allowed to get upset about that for Jesus wouldn't love His Church like that.

i advise you to seek good Christian counselling, i say good because a lot isn't good. Your wife needs a Jesus revelation, you might need one as well, so that she, and you will get arrested in your bad life and Jesus brings back to life the good life that was once there.

Peace.

Jeshu said:

i don't know the answer apart of saying you are not alone, there are a lot of people unhappy with their wives and counselling usually doesn't help because the counsellor always picks the female side.

Men are supposedly to love their wives like Christ loves the Church, no one is talking about His disciplinarian side, all only talk about His graceful side. So it doesn't matter how badly your wife treats you, suck it up is their motto, but oh wrongful you, if you even as much as raise your voice against her, for she is the weaker vessel to be cherished loved and dotted on.

Our son is going through this right at this moment in time. She can manipulate, scream bad and mean things him, belittle him in front of the kids, steal from him, exploit and deceive him, but he is not allowed to get upset about that for Jesus wouldn't love His Church like that.

i advise you to seek good Christian counselling, i say good because a lot isn't good. Your wife needs a Jesus revelation, you might need one as well, so that she, and you will get arrested in your bad life and Jesus brings back to life the good life that was once there.

Peace.

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Women can be abusers too. Sounds like emotional and verbal abuse to me. Very sad

Some good advice above...take it!

You two need counseling, preferably from a skillful Christian counselor. Get it now!
This back-and-forth stressing you describe will break you two apart, if it's not stopped.

Nothing new here, ever since the Fall blame-shifting has been going on both sides of the aisle...

The man said, “The woman whom you gave to be with me, she gave me fruit of the tree, and I ate.” Then the LORD God said to the woman, “What is this that you have done?” The woman said, “The serpent deceived me, and I ate.”
(Gen 3:12-13)

Pray you both get over that hump...or at least be aware of it.

fishmansf said:

I want to love my wife as Christ loves the Church, I want to have patience with her, I want to reject anger and have compassion and mercy on her and bear fruit. She claims to be a Christian but is the most spiteful, impatient, easily angered, and gossipy person I know. She intentionally attacks my insecurities to "get at me", is so easily triggered by anything I say, creates a list of grievances against me and when I go to change and fix them, she claims I am not doing anything to fix them and then rejects my attempt at fixing my issues. She will get angry and swear at me, make me the bad guys for everything that goes wrong. I will get vulnerable when she is not angry sometimes and share the weight of my sin, stressors, desires, etc. and she will lovingly listen to me, then within 30 minutes go ballistic and use all of my stressors and insecurities I just poured out to her as a weapon against me. She attempts to read her Bible but I believe just sees it as a chore. I have told her countless times about how easily she is angered and asked her where her fruit is and telling her that she cannot behave like this and needs to stop now (to which I received major anger, to be honest, probably rightfully so) to which she goes ballistic and paints me as a legalist. I hope and pray daily that one day, she will stumble across Proverbs 31 and realize that she is NOT the Proverbs 31 wife and I pray that she reads Proverbs 25:24 and realizes she is that woman then turns to the Gospel, changes her ways, and finds mercy and grace in God's presence. I pray that every day nearly. I am with my faults too. Sometimes these things are because of ways I react to her going ballistic but this woman is the most spiteful and contentuous woman I know. The worst part? Within a few hours she is back to her sweet self and apologizes, just to return right back to her vomit so to speak the next day. Jesus said that he who is angry with his brother has already commit murder in his own heart. This woman brings me to anger every time we fight (which is nearly every day). I don't believe in divorce otherwise I would be long gone, I want to bear fruit and have mercy on her but I cannot find it in my heart. She is slowly pushing me away and killing my fruit. How do I love my wife who is so terrible to me? I have prayed time and time again to no avail. I feel nearly hopeless at this point and we haven't even been married a year. I know there will be plenty of "well if you knew this you shouldn't have married her" but this new behavior is entirely new to marriage. Please pray and give me guidance brothers and sisters.

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Counseling. Together. Now.

fishmansf said:

I want to love my wife as Christ loves the Church, I want to have patience with her, I want to reject anger and have compassion and mercy on her and bear fruit. She claims to be a Christian but is the most spiteful, impatient, easily angered, and gossipy person I know. She intentionally attacks my insecurities to "get at me", is so easily triggered by anything I say, creates a list of grievances against me and when I go to change and fix them, she claims I am not doing anything to fix them and then rejects my attempt at fixing my issues. She will get angry and swear at me, make me the bad guys for everything that goes wrong. I will get vulnerable when she is not angry sometimes and share the weight of my sin, stressors, desires, etc. and she will lovingly listen to me, then within 30 minutes go ballistic and use all of my stressors and insecurities I just poured out to her as a weapon against me. She attempts to read her Bible but I believe just sees it as a chore. I have told her countless times about how easily she is angered and asked her where her fruit is and telling her that she cannot behave like this and needs to stop now (to which I received major anger, ...

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welcome to the world of "newly wed".. You get about 10 years of that -- waiting for adulthood to settle in.

Two people slightly rough around the edges and somewhat lacking in the mature patience skill set - must rely on their prayer time and youthful resilience.

When it comes to being a Christian - you have to treat your wife like a stranger. Pray for her as you would a neighbor over whom you have absolutely no control at all. because that is very close to the reality of it. Everyone has free will and God will not force the will of your wife --... and she won't let you force her into choosing the right path either.

same goes for you -- God lets you have free will as well. And He is not opposed to chipping off some of your rough edges - and using an almost-converted wife to do it.

You can't fix it by "instructing your wife" if she is really still trying to grow out of it. Give up on that idea here and now.

Someone mentioned "counseling" but that only works if your wife agrees to listen to the counselor - which BTW is more likely than that she will listen to you giving her wise words of wisdom. So it is worth a shot as long as she will agree to it.

It is a matter of prayer, and claiming bible promises that you will have patience, stay calm and endure the various thunderstorms that are sure to appear now and then. Start a practice (when nobody is mad - at the moment, which could be few and far between at first) - of reading a really good devotional book together at night... then add "and in the morning" if time permits.

And remember this rule -- tv/computer/internet is stealing your marriage time. like a pilot trainee - you need "flight time" and your marriage Piper Cub is essentially "grounded" during the time you both are on the internet/or-tv/or-video

fishmansf said:

I am praying for your son, men are often just as verbally abused as women. Though I do believe men need to be the rock ans to often suck it up, but it is also an issue that needs to be brought to light.

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Thanks, for praying, he needs it badly. He is in the thick of it even now.

fishmansf said:

I want to love my wife as Christ loves the Church, I want to have patience with her, I want to reject anger and have compassion and mercy on her and bear fruit. She claims to be a Christian but is the most spiteful, impatient, easily angered, and gossipy person I know. She intentionally attacks my insecurities to "get at me", is so easily triggered by anything I say, creates a list of grievances against me and when I go to change and fix them, she claims I am not doing anything to fix them and then rejects my attempt at fixing my issues. She will get angry and swear at me, make me the bad guys for everything that goes wrong. I will get vulnerable when she is not angry sometimes and share the weight of my sin, stressors, desires, etc. and she will lovingly listen to me, then within 30 minutes go ballistic and use all of my stressors and insecurities I just poured out to her as a weapon against me. She attempts to read her Bible but I believe just sees it as a chore. I have told her countless times about how easily she is angered and asked her where her fruit is and telling her that she cannot behave like this and needs to stop now (to which I received major anger, to be honest, probably rightfully so) to which she goes ballistic and paints me as a legalist. I hope and pray daily that one day, she will stumble across Proverbs 31 and realize that she is NOT the Proverbs 31 wife and I pray that she reads Proverbs 25:24 and realizes she is that woman then turns to the Gospel, changes her ways, and finds mercy and grace in God's presence. I pray that every day nearly. I am with my faults too. Sometimes these things are because of ways I react to her going ballistic but this woman is the most spiteful and contentuous woman I know. The worst part? Within a few hours she is back to her sweet self and apologizes, just to return right back to her vomit so to speak the next day. Jesus said that he who is angry with his brother has already commit murder in his own heart. This woman brings me to anger every time we fight (which is nearly every day). I don't believe in divorce otherwise I would be long gone, I want to bear fruit and have mercy on her but I cannot find it in my heart. She is slowly pushing me away and killing my fruit. How do I love my wife who is so terrible to me? I have prayed time and time again to no avail. I feel nearly hopeless at this point and we haven't even been married a year. I know there will be plenty of "well if you knew this you shouldn't have married her" but this new behavior is entirely new to marriage. Please pray and give me guidance brothers and sisters.

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Hi.
This is not going to be easy, by any stretch of the word.

Please consider the definition of Love tha Paul gives us in 1 Cor. 13.

1Co 13:4-8 WEB 4
Love is
patient and
is kind.
Love doesn’t envy.
Love doesn’t brag,
is not proud, 5
doesn’t behave itself inappropriately, doesn’t seek its own way,
is not provoked,
takes no account of evil; 6
doesn’t rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth; 7
bears all things,
believes all things,
hopes all things, and
endures all things. 8
Love never fails.
But where there are prophecies, they will be done away with. Where there are various languages, they will cease. Where there is knowledge, it will be done away with.

Please tell me something....

Do you see anything that remotely looks like an emotional attribute of what has long been viewed by the world as love?

My wife and I have been married for 30 years and just over a month and a half now.

So, what I say is not from a lack of experience.

Love is a choice.

I've heard people say that if we love someone, we are naturally patient, we are naturally kind. We are naturally......
(Put the rest of those terms of love in after the phrase, we are naturally.....).
I don't think this is true.
It may be, but if it is, that has not been my experience.

There are times when I feel the exact opposite of patient, kind, etc...

And there are times when no matter how hard I pray, I open my mouth and say something I regret.

So, I find myself choosing to be patient.
I find myself choosing to show kindness.
I find myself choosing to not lash back when I feel shamed, humiliated, hurt, etc...

Remember, Jesus said that if we want to be his disciples, we must pick up our cross, deny ourselves and follow him.

What is the cross representative of?

Death.

We must die to ourselves to live the resurrected life.

Colossians 2:12-3:4 says that we've already been crucified with Jesus.
Romans 6 says we've already been crucified with Jesus.

As a husband, you may experience something that I've only ever been able to describe as being crushed.

Jesus said that we can either fall on the rock (chief cornerstone) and be broken, or the rock will fall on us and we will be pulverized.

This means that we choose to follow Jesus in loving our wives as Christ loved the church.

I'm available to talk about this further.
Just post back and the forum software will notify me.

Loving our wives is not an easy thing.
It is however the most beautiful thing.

I'm posting two images of a couple of poems that have given me perspective on love.

Please keep reading the bible, please keep praying, even if only for a few minutes each day, over the long haul, you'll see God's grace in your life and the life of your wife.
Please read 2 Peter 1:2-13.
Look closely at it. There's a lot of information contained within.

Grace and peace be with you.
In Christ.

Endure and continue to love. It's hard but do it, perhaps God will change her sooner than you think. I was led to examine my life by a former colleague, she never preached to me but I saw the fruits of the Holy Spirit in her. She was patient, kind, never easily angered, compassionate, loving and good. I wished I could be like her and so I surrendered and allowed God work in me.

You can lead your wife to reexamine her life by choosing to take God's path. Pray, endure, love and be patient.

fishmansf said:

I want to love my wife as Christ loves the Church, I want to have patience with her, I want to reject anger and have compassion and mercy on her and bear fruit. She claims to be a Christian but is the most spiteful, impatient, easily angered, and gossipy person I know. She intentionally attacks my insecurities to "get at me", is so easily triggered by anything I say, creates a list of grievances against me and when I go to change and fix them, she claims I am not doing anything to fix them and then rejects my attempt at fixing my issues. She will get angry and swear at me, make me the bad guys for everything that goes wrong. I will get vulnerable when she is not angry sometimes and share the weight of my sin, stressors, desires, etc. and she will lovingly listen to me, then within 30 minutes go ballistic and use all of my stressors and insecurities I just poured out to her as a weapon against me. She attempts to read her Bible but I believe just sees it as a chore. I have told her countless times about how easily she is angered and asked her where her fruit is and telling her that she cannot behave like this and needs to stop now (to which I received major anger, to be honest, probably rightfully so) to which she goes ballistic and paints me as a legalist. I hope and pray daily that one day, she will stumble across Proverbs 31 and realize that she is NOT the Proverbs 31 wife and I pray that she reads Proverbs 25:24 and realizes she is that woman then turns to the Gospel, changes her ways, and finds mercy and grace in God's presence. I pray that every day nearly. I am with my faults too. Sometimes these things are because of ways I react to her going ballistic but this woman is the most spiteful and contentuous woman I know. The worst part? Within a few hours she is back to her sweet self and apologizes, just to return right back to her vomit so to speak the next day. Jesus said that he who is angry with his brother has already commit murder in his own heart. This woman brings me to anger every time we fight (which is nearly every day). I don't believe in divorce otherwise I would be long gone, I want to bear fruit and have mercy on her but I cannot find it in my heart. She is slowly pushing me away and killing my fruit. How do I love my wife who is so terrible to me? I have prayed time and time again to no avail. I feel nearly hopeless at this point and we haven't even been married a year. I know there will be plenty of "well if you knew this you shouldn't have married her" but this new behavior is entirely new to marriage. Please pray and give me guidance brothers and sisters.

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Marriage is quite an extreme example of the ‘iron sharpens iron’ principle. It may seem these are your wife’s issues, but the sooner you can realise at least some of it (most of it) is about you, all the things you just consider to be so because you are used to thinking in your own way, the sooner you will be able to identify what you need to do.

My own marriage didn’t hit this kind of a crisis point until about 7 years in, and it took many painful and regretful arguments and challenges, and several years, for me to stop blaming my wife for our difficulties. This might seem absurd to you now, and you’ll have all kinds of arguments against it, but, believe me, until you really learn to see yourself from the outside, as it were, you will never resolve anything.

fishmansf said:

I want to love my wife as Christ loves the Church, I want to have patience with her, I want to reject anger and have compassion and mercy on her and bear fruit. She claims to be a Christian but is the most spiteful, impatient, easily angered, and gossipy person I know. She intentionally attacks my insecurities to "get at me", is so easily triggered by anything I say, creates a list of grievances against me and when I go to change and fix them, she claims I am not doing anything to fix them and then rejects my attempt at fixing my issues. She will get angry and swear at me, make me the bad guys for everything that goes wrong. I will get vulnerable when she is not angry sometimes and share the weight of my sin, stressors, desires, etc. and she will lovingly listen to me, then within 30 minutes go ballistic and use all of my stressors and insecurities I just poured out to her as a weapon against me. She attempts to read her Bible but I believe just sees it as a chore. I have told her countless times about how easily she is angered and asked her where her fruit is and telling her that she cannot behave like this and needs to stop now (to which I received major anger, to be honest, probably rightfully so) to which she goes ballistic and paints me as a legalist. I hope and pray daily that one day, she will stumble across Proverbs 31 and realize that she is NOT the Proverbs 31 wife and I pray that she reads Proverbs 25:24 and realizes she is that woman then turns to the Gospel, changes her ways, and finds mercy and grace in God's presence. I pray that every day nearly. I am with my faults too. Sometimes these things are because of ways I react to her going ballistic but this woman is the most spiteful and contentuous woman I know. The worst part? Within a few hours she is back to her sweet self and apologizes, just to return right back to her vomit so to speak the next day. Jesus said that he who is angry with his brother has already commit murder in his own heart. This woman brings me to anger every time we fight (which is nearly every day). I don't believe in divorce otherwise I would be long gone, I want to bear fruit and have mercy on her but I cannot find it in my heart. She is slowly pushing me away and killing my fruit. How do I love my wife who is so terrible to me? I have prayed time and time again to no avail. I feel nearly hopeless at this point and we haven't even been married a year. I know there will be plenty of "well if you knew this you shouldn't have married her" but this new behavior is entirely new to marriage. Please pray and give me guidance brothers and sisters.

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I'm just curious, but did you two live together or have sex with one another prior to marriage?

The behavior you're describing would be difficult to contain unless she's an actress and very manipulative. If she's short-tempered it probably seeped out and you overlooked it or excused her. Spite and contention often appear in the vernacular. Unkind remarks towards others is common.

It's unfortunate the church doesn't provide more instruction on self-awareness. Many believers are eager to marry and form alignments they shouldn't have entered. You appear to be sensitive and married a strong-willed woman who's very direct. I'm not excusing her behavior. But I'm aware sensitive types require different handling. You have to temper your language.

I don't speak when I'm angry. The matter-of-fact articulation would cause offense. Because I'm not emotional. I don't do name calling or trade barbs. I tell the truth from my perspective. But I'm speaking from a different place. Its cold and that isn't loving. I employ silence to get my head together and address the situation in the right spirit.

Because I know myself, I avoid people who like to argue or stir up strife. They disturb my peace of mind. Disagreements happen. But they needn't escalate. Some people don't handle anger well. They explode.

Countering the behavior is the best response. In your case, removal would be wise. Allowing someone to berate you isn't healthy. Go to another room, for a walk, a drive, etc. But don't stand there and take it. Some can. But if the words wound you, remaining in her presence will take a toll.

Yours in His Service,

~Bella

fishmansf said:

I want to love my wife as Christ loves the Church

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She needs to fear you, more so, she needs to fear Yah.

*And I don't mean that she needs to be frightened by you.