Unlovable

leaps said:

I don't think that God loves me anymore, I don't think he wants anything to do with me. I say this because I am suffering. ALL DAY long. It's a constant fight, a battle, with NO REST. I'm tired, exhausted, and I am no longer enjoying it. It's like returning to a job you don't like but have to do because you have to provide for your children, put food on the table, and pay the bills. Except it feels worse than that...because it's never ending. I'm more of like a slave.

I've been experiencing the loss of happiness, suicidal thoughts, the fear of the unknown, and agonizing pain. I understand what happened..I did wrong and I am a reprobate and God an apostate most likely. What I don't understand is why I'm still questioning what I already know is true, maybe it's denial and disbelief that this is where it ends...I can't understand why I remain hopeful when there are no signs of recovering from this terrible mental state. I guess I believe that God is the answer and will someday forgive me and that help will come...but I believe in my heart that I have done too much wrong and that God has had it with me.

I'd do anything just to feel OK again though, to feel normal. I reach out to God and pray, I read bible verses, have attended church and bible studies, yet I'm doing terrible...

What would you do if you were in my position? I have already sought out help from psychiatrists, medication, and therapists...nothing..ever..changes...

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If you have repented God has forgiven you already. God loves you so much and you have to believe that he forgives you because you are his child and he loves you.
Studying isn't easy and takes time. Don't be hard on yourself. Think of all the good things you do. Don't dwell on the few negatives. God wouldn't want you to. Remember Jesus and what he went through and lean on him for courage. See about changing jobs if you can and that will give you the incentive you need.
God bless you child of God

ps Most of us go through a slump, I have gone through many. I can say the usual and say look outside yourself to others and what you can do for them as that always makes a person feel better but I won't because I am sure you have heard that before. For me I grew out of it over the years. I still have small episodes but they pass and yours will too. Pray and listen to God and pray some more.

leaps said:

What would you do if you were in my position? I have already sought out help from psychiatrists, medication, and therapists...nothing..ever..changes...

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i suffer from a depressive illness and have felt the same as you do now for many years, it was terrible. Sin is bad that is the lesson we have to learn.

The issue is what you believe, you don't believe God loves you because you are unlovable in your own eyes. So really you think that God is thinks like you do? i know God is very saddened about this.

The truth is we harvest what we sow. So if you sow unlovable in your heart you will reap more unlovable. Can you see what i mean?

When i began to put my faith in God's love things began to improve for me, but only when i put my faith in His love, not otherwise. So i have endeavoured to bring my whole inner being into God's love and the result have been awesome.

Love for God and neighbour began to grow back in my life as God's love for me was revealed along the way.

i still suffer from a depressive illness but i have learned to keep my faith in God's love and thank Jesus Christ for forgiveness of sins. This way i can stay on top of it. Which is great.

So please put your faith in God's love and see the difference.

Remember one step at the time. At first i could only have a few seconds faith in God's love but actively practising faith in His love made it longer and longer. Now i stay always in His love no matter how deeply my depression rages. It is awesome to see Him faithful to His word.

Peace.

God never changes, dear leaps. He is not led by moods that He would love you one day and drop you the next day. God is faithful. Always.

But that God loves you is not shown by how you feel, or how easy your life is. There is only one single sign of God's love for you, and that is the fact that He delivered His only son up for you to die on that cross on the hill called Calvary.
That's the only visible sign of God's love! The rest of the Bible tells us how much we'll suffer as Christians because we are hated by the world and attacked by the evil powers. Christians don't have an easy life although God does love us.

This life can be sad and cruel, and it often is, but when we truly trust God and believe that He has the greater wisdom to bring something good out of it all, then we will experience His peace inside our heart and receive a happiness that does not depend on outer circumstances.

You said "I guess I believe that God is the answer and will someday forgive me and that help will come...but I believe in my heart that I have done too much wrong and that God has had it with me".
Let me tell you: God has already forgiven you!

Through Jesus' blood you are justified in God's eyes, leaps. You are not guilty anymore. You are free! Jesus is waiting with open arms for you to run to him and drop all the things on him that afflict you. You see, the difficulties won't go away, but Jesus wants to take care of them instead of you. All you need to do is trust him

leaps said:

I don't think that God loves me anymore, I don't think he wants anything to do with me. I say this because I am suffering. ALL DAY long. It's a constant fight, a battle, with NO REST. I'm tired, exhausted, and I am no longer enjoying it. It's like returning to a job you don't like but have to do because you have to provide for your children, put food on the table, and pay the bills. Except it feels worse than that...because it's never ending. I'm more of like a slave.

I've been experiencing the loss of happiness, suicidal thoughts, the fear of the unknown, and agonizing pain. I understand what happened..I did wrong and I am a reprobate and God an apostate most likely. What I don't understand is why I'm still questioning what I already know is true, maybe it's denial and disbelief that this is where it ends...I can't understand why I remain hopeful when there are no signs of recovering from this terrible mental state. I guess I believe that God is the answer and will someday forgive me and that help will come...but I believe in my heart that I have done too much wrong and that God has had it with me.

I'd do anything just to feel OK again though, to feel normal. I reach out to God and pray, I read bible verses, have attended church and bible studies, yet I'm doing terrible...

What would you do if you were in my position? I have already sought out help from psychiatrists, medication, and therapists...nothing..ever..changes...

Click to expand...

If I were in the situation you are in I would day by day step by step make right with all the people that I had wronged as much as possible and pay back any money or favors I owed to anyone.
And I would make it right with God for all that I owed to Him.
Then as I did all that I would seek out others to help in any way that I could as to give back for it is more blessed to give than to receive. That is what I would do and as I did that...the rest would fall into place. The right place.

leaps said:

I don't think that God loves me anymore, I don't think he wants anything to do with me. I say this because I am suffering. ALL DAY long. It's a constant fight, a battle, with NO REST. I'm tired, exhausted, and I am no longer enjoying it. It's like returning to a job you don't like but have to do because you have to provide for your children, put food on the table, and pay the bills. Except it feels worse than that...because it's never ending. I'm more of like a slave.

I've been experiencing the loss of happiness, suicidal thoughts, the fear of the unknown, and agonizing pain. I understand what happened..I did wrong and I am a reprobate and God an apostate most likely. What I don't understand is why I'm still questioning what I already know is true, maybe it's denial and disbelief that this is where it ends...I can't understand why I remain hopeful when there are no signs of recovering from this terrible mental state. I guess I believe that God is the answer and will someday forgive me and that help will come...but I believe in my heart that I have done too much wrong and that God has had it with me.

I'd do anything just to feel OK again though, to feel normal. I reach out to God and pray, I read bible verses, have attended church and bible studies, yet I'm doing terrible...

What would you do if you were in my position? I have already sought out help from psychiatrists, medication, and therapists...nothing..ever..changes...

Click to expand...

Have patience dear one. Eternity is just a short time away. Do not fret over past sins, but forget what lies behind and press on, looking forward to that prize of finally being in the presence of the Lamb. Our sin does not determine our fate, but His mercy does. The Lord Who began a good work in us will complete it until the last day.
Psalms 138:8
The LORD will perfect that which concerneth me: thy mercy, O LORD, endureth for ever: forsake not the works of thine own hands.

leaps said:

What would you do if you were in my position? I have already sought out help from psychiatrists, medication, and therapists...nothing..ever..changes...

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Go back to them and talk to them.
Depression is a serious mental illness, high as you are experiencing destroys all the happiness in a life.

You would think someone stupid if they changed jobs, or sold there car while drunk.
In the same way your thinking process is destorted by the feeling of being unworthy, unloved etc etc.

Please talk to someone you trust, whose opinion you value and take there advice.

Do get the support of your minister/church to help you.


May you know the peace and love of God that surpasses all peace.

leaps said:

I'd do anything just to feel OK again though, to feel normal. I reach out to God and pray, I read bible verses, have attended church and bible studies, yet I'm doing terrible...

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I think sometimes when we’re feeling terrible we turn to spiritual pastimes and passions hoping the good in those things will dispel the dark in us, but that’s not how most people work, and it’s most likely not how you work either.

The Bible doesn’t always light up the depression, instead our depression catches onto the Bible. Whether it’s Matthew, Mark, Luke or John we end up seeing Ecclesiastes on repeat We unintentionally read our sad into something glad.

For a different example, that’s also why so many people come away with strange unbiblical messages from reading the scriptures, when a bad man reads the Bible thinking it’ll make him honest, kind and charitable, he ends up seeing lies, unkindness and pettiness in its pages, it reflects him by the end of his reading.

I’m sure you’re not bad though, just feeling down. That’s easier to help.

This is my advice, simplify your faith for a time and find something new to enliven your days. That new thing might be faith related, but don’t feel guilty if it’s not.

Remember to pray, but not about your problems, that only brings us further down. Pray over the good things and the rest of your day, just the day.

It doesn’t take a lifetime of prayer to lift our spirits or improve the mood, it takes one hilarious back and forth conversation, one meal shared in good company, or reigniting your interest in a dream or hobby you had long given up on.

leaps said:

What would you do if you were in my position?

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I would try and cultivate just two things. First I’d enlist the support of a strong friendship, doesn’t matter whether it’s a school friend you’ve known for 20 years or a thoughtful pen pal you’ve known for 2 weeks, so long as they are willing to listen actively, love wholeheartedly and can make you laugh (or at least smile,) they’re part of a winning plan.

Second I’d find a passion to take your mind off of ideas like reprobation, that’s not true and you shouldn’t entertain the idea. You’re fairly young, a few years younger than me anyway so I’d say take up something physical, join a gym, set a milestone, either in bettering yourself or helping others. That’s what I did. Lots of people make long plans to run for charity, so they take on the training, make new friends, get in shape and months later they make loads of money for the less well off (forgetting and outgrowing their old troubles during the process!)

The most important thing is, whatever you do, try to be excited for the possibilities involved.

God has good things in store for us, don’t let lies and depression close you off from being excited about life again.

Sorry!

Nice to see you posting again

returntosender said:

Nice to see you posting

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Sometimes, yes When it's not about politics, lol. Glad to see that you're still around, too!