If I Were an Abuser, What Church Would I Want to Attend?

bekkilyn said:

Emotional abuse can be even more of a danger to a person than physical abuse. While physical abuse may lead to the death of the body, emotional abuse can severely damage or even destroy the very spirit of a person. It's not just something to "patiently endure" in hopes that it gets better. It won't.

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Yes I agree. The effects are the same. And if children witness it, it is especially.damaging for them

I was reading about abuse earlier today. This might be a bit rambly.

It started because I saw a video of a wife violently confronting a cheating husband. There were bystanders and it was a pretty substantial attack by the woman. She surprise headbutted her husband on the nose and while he covered up she punched him about five or six times. You can tell she knew how to punch. Eventually the man pushed her away a couple of times and she fell resutling in people stepping in.

That's when I went to the comment section. A lot of men were saying things like if this was the other way around people would have helped immediately. Then I started reading comments about women abusing men (I am not trying to make this about men). I was pretty shocked that this is quite common. Until, I read about the control aspect. The manipulation, verbal abuse aimed to lower the self esteem of the person being abused. Other things including threats of taking the children or even comitting suicide if the person leaves. There's also physical abuse towards men but that's what I found hard to understand at first. Why not just defend yourself? This can be complicated though.

Anyway most of my reading turned to men abusing women. Which is far more common. I never realised how malicious it usually is. It seems to be the behaviour of someone without empathy or compassion. My first solution was to rely on male family protection. The thing is the abuser often will do their best to isolate the victim. Then I realised what if there is no help in a lot of cases? The end of the article mentioned "Accountability/repentance for the abuser". Is that likely in the majority of cases? Serious question.

edit: I just realised whether it was a husband and wife is not confirmed.

This seems like a fair study: A Review of Research on Women’s Use of Violence With Male Intimate Partners The title is misleading, it covers both men and women.

I'm of the opinion that it's not the abused person's job or responsibility to "reform" the abuser, so even if it is possible for the abuser to repent (of which I have serious doubts in most cases), it's on them to seek help and make changes. I personally know someone who had been in an abusive marriage and she eventually divorced him, then years later came across him again and he seemed a changed man who had even become a Christian. They remarried (and I even attended their wedding) only for her to find out that he really hadn't changed so far as the abuse went. He apparently was just better at hiding it, and now under a guise of faith. Needless to say, that second marriage didn't last even the year.

bekkilyn said:

I'm of the opinion that it's not the abused person's job or responsibility to "reform" the abuser, so even if it is possible for the abuser to repent (of which I have serious doubts in most cases), it's on them to seek help and make changes. I personally know someone who had been in an abusive marriage and she eventually divorced him, then years later came across him again and he seemed a changed man who had even become a Christian. They remarried (and I even attended their wedding) only for her to find out that he really hadn't changed so far as the abuse went. He apparently was just better at hiding it, and now under a guise of faith. Needless to say, that second marriage didn't last even the year.

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daren't


Exactly! Holy Spirit changes someone not us

Paidiske said:

It can happen, but from what reading I've done, in the majority of cases there is little motivation to change. Rather if the abuser loses control of one partner/victim, they simply move on to find another.

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It's as if some are actually incapable of change. I don't know if that makes them more or less accountable to God.

bekkilyn said:

Getting back to the topic of the article, if I were an abuser, I would go to a very authoritarian church where asking questions concerning my faith was frowned upon or even punished in some way. I would go to a church where men were reprimanded if they weren't strictly controlling their wives and children in the way the authoritarian church leadership deemed appropriate. I would go a church that regularly checked up on me to make sure that I was fulfilling my manly or womanly duties within my household. (It's called "accountability" after all.) I would make sure the church skillfully practices shunning even if it's disguised as something else.

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We can all name denominations or independant churcheS that fit the aBove desCription to a "t". We probably don't have to name names.