There's a verse in Hebrews that states that it might be too late to repent for sins.
My fear is that I have became an Esau, unable to repent genuinely, or perhaps it was too late to repent for me.
I don't remember the day I was saved, perhaps I'm not even considered saved in the first place, I've been committing sexual immorality before this, it was persistent and deliberate. Whenever something bad happens I would touch and rationalize that God must have caused me to suffer these troubles, and that I was just compensating myself for it.
I have also been harboring great bitterness and hatred towards my brother before, to the extent that I want to kill him.
One day I was very angry. I got to my room and prayed to God to do something, but I thought of the future and imagined that nothing would change anyway, God would not be able to help me, so I took it upon my hands. I provoked my brother and we got to a fist fight. I hated him because he was disturbing the peace of my family, but that is only because he had a mental disease. I went to great means to make sure he is a goner, even abusing him socially and mentally.
After this one fight, where I even lied that it was he who started the fight, he got so angry that he swore to God he would kill me. That made me afraid to be honest. But then my fear was transferred to God.
After that I felt guilt and remorse, it feel like I have my eyes opened, I just wanted to die so badly because of what I have done, maybe my brother would feel at ease or perhaps forgive me when I was gone, after all, I also thought the same for him before, that I would forgive him only when he is dead.
That night, It feels like there is a stone in my chest and I can't get to God no matter how much I cry for forgiveness. Perhaps the Holy Spirit departed from me. I feel so heavy. So I begged for a chance to experience Him again, because this time my hatred was gone. Of course there was no answer, I can't feel it.
The following day I succumbed to masturbating to ease my stress.
Then one day I encountered the hebrews verse about Esau and that made me stop my immorality.
I want to ask forgiveness from my older brother, but I'm afraid because I've done too much damage to him, i've even schemed to kill him. I'm planning to apologize to him at an opportune time, because my pride also hinders me, he had also done things to wound me in the past.
Then I read about that particular chapter about the repentance, I was gripped with fear and hopelessness. I prayed to God to allow me to genuinely repent.
To be honest, I was afraid of God and the consequences of my sin, that I would go to hell.
I quit my habitual masturbating and also tried to get rid of my hatred to my brother. The fear would return and every time different doubt would come but I would overcome each day. But now what if my willingness is the problem?
But every sin can be forgiven as, only when a person repented.
But maybe my repentance was not actually genuine, although it showed on my actions, I might have done it because of fear. Of course I also wanted to experience Christ, but perhaps it was only me wanting to be saved.
This realization drove me to despair, I wanted hope, I want to repent for real so God can forgive me, but I can't help but fear. I try to put my faith in Christ, but the issue is with myself. The genuineness of my repentance.
Perhaps I have become like Judas and Esau who wanted the blessing.
Is there hope for me? After all the scripture gives hope for only those who are sincere in their repentance.
Now every day I deal with fear, but it was fear towards God and not of anything.
Please tell me the truth, do i still have hope, and may the Holy Spirit guide your words.
My fear is that I have became an Esau, unable to repent genuinely, or perhaps it was too late to repent for me.
I don't remember the day I was saved, perhaps I'm not even considered saved in the first place, I've been committing sexual immorality before this, it was persistent and deliberate. Whenever something bad happens I would touch and rationalize that God must have caused me to suffer these troubles, and that I was just compensating myself for it.
I have also been harboring great bitterness and hatred towards my brother before, to the extent that I want to kill him.
One day I was very angry. I got to my room and prayed to God to do something, but I thought of the future and imagined that nothing would change anyway, God would not be able to help me, so I took it upon my hands. I provoked my brother and we got to a fist fight. I hated him because he was disturbing the peace of my family, but that is only because he had a mental disease. I went to great means to make sure he is a goner, even abusing him socially and mentally.
After this one fight, where I even lied that it was he who started the fight, he got so angry that he swore to God he would kill me. That made me afraid to be honest. But then my fear was transferred to God.
After that I felt guilt and remorse, it feel like I have my eyes opened, I just wanted to die so badly because of what I have done, maybe my brother would feel at ease or perhaps forgive me when I was gone, after all, I also thought the same for him before, that I would forgive him only when he is dead.
That night, It feels like there is a stone in my chest and I can't get to God no matter how much I cry for forgiveness. Perhaps the Holy Spirit departed from me. I feel so heavy. So I begged for a chance to experience Him again, because this time my hatred was gone. Of course there was no answer, I can't feel it.
The following day I succumbed to masturbating to ease my stress.
Then one day I encountered the hebrews verse about Esau and that made me stop my immorality.
I want to ask forgiveness from my older brother, but I'm afraid because I've done too much damage to him, i've even schemed to kill him. I'm planning to apologize to him at an opportune time, because my pride also hinders me, he had also done things to wound me in the past.
Then I read about that particular chapter about the repentance, I was gripped with fear and hopelessness. I prayed to God to allow me to genuinely repent.
To be honest, I was afraid of God and the consequences of my sin, that I would go to hell.
I quit my habitual masturbating and also tried to get rid of my hatred to my brother. The fear would return and every time different doubt would come but I would overcome each day. But now what if my willingness is the problem?
But every sin can be forgiven as, only when a person repented.
But maybe my repentance was not actually genuine, although it showed on my actions, I might have done it because of fear. Of course I also wanted to experience Christ, but perhaps it was only me wanting to be saved.
This realization drove me to despair, I wanted hope, I want to repent for real so God can forgive me, but I can't help but fear. I try to put my faith in Christ, but the issue is with myself. The genuineness of my repentance.
Perhaps I have become like Judas and Esau who wanted the blessing.
Is there hope for me? After all the scripture gives hope for only those who are sincere in their repentance.
Now every day I deal with fear, but it was fear towards God and not of anything.
Please tell me the truth, do i still have hope, and may the Holy Spirit guide your words.
