I need to gain just a simple enough life to feel meaning living it, but fear I will fail.

Alv Vatzdal said:

I've been followed by fear all my life, as far back as I can remember I have felt that life have always been empty and with no meaning, and always expected the worst, I don't know if I've ever been normal, but spent childhood dreading that I was dying, and was lost in delusions and hallucinations by the time I was adult and tried to get help the first time, and although I was a brilliant artist, felt I had nothing to live for, and by this time I've wasted all my youth and although I've spent so much time studying myself, other people, the world around me, and read so many books I could probably write one myself, but instead I wish I could just be a normal person, living a simple life, doing something, anything, just as long as I felt it was something useful and gave me a sense of meaning to life, instead of just wasting away, as I've done until now.

I've really feel like I've wasted all my chances, that this is it, my last chance to make something out of myself, but I need more strength then I have myself, so I need help, and whatever God want to do with me, He can do, I have nothing in this life I desire except being His, doing His will and to carry light around in all this frightful darkness, and I know I could be at peace, and feel a bit of joy from living, that every new day was worth waking up to, not one I honestly just want to go to sleep from and never again wake up, but just go home to my Father, learning my true name.

I've really tried though, but I fear I can never make it, never find any meaning in life and I have reasons to expect this, I don't see any hope myself, and I could write about all my hopeless struggles and how deep my pain have become, but there's no point even in that, I frankly need a miracle and nothing less.

I hope I'm not too abstract in all of this. The Spirit know I really need a rest from my burdens. So please don't pray for me if you doubt, but please pray for me if you believe with all your heart that God can and will do this for me. Amen.

Click to expand...

Alv Vatzdal said:

I've been followed by fear all my life, as far back as I can remember I have felt that life have always been empty and with no meaning, and always expected the worst, I don't know if I've ever been normal, but spent childhood dreading that I was dying, and was lost in delusions and hallucinations by the time I was adult and tried to get help the first time, and although I was a brilliant artist, felt I had nothing to live for, and by this time I've wasted all my youth and although I've spent so much time studying myself, other people, the world around me, and read so many books I could probably write one myself, but instead I wish I could just be a normal person, living a simple life, doing something, anything, just as long as I felt it was something useful and gave me a sense of meaning to life, instead of just wasting away, as I've done until now.

I've really feel like I've wasted all my chances, that this is it, my last chance to make something out of myself, but I need more strength then I have myself, so I need help, and whatever God want to do with me, He can do, I have nothing in this life I desire except being His, doing His will and to carry light around in all this frightful darkness, and I know I could be at peace, and feel a bit of joy from living, that every new day was worth waking up to, not one I honestly just want to go to sleep from and never again wake up, but just go home to my Father, learning my true name.

I've really tried though, but I fear I can never make it, never find any meaning in life and I have reasons to expect this, I don't see any hope myself, and I could write about all my hopeless struggles and how deep my pain have become, but there's no point even in that, I frankly need a miracle and nothing less.

I hope I'm not too abstract in all of this. The Spirit know I really need a rest from my burdens. So please don't pray for me if you doubt, but please pray for me if you believe with all your heart that God can and will do this for me. Amen.

Click to expand...

Alv Vatzdal said:

but want to make sure I do the will of God, and be something good for someone or something.

Click to expand...

Alv Vatzdal said:

Thanks for all the posts, although I simply asked for prayer, not for less or more. I don't have any wish to become great, only to be able to go to church at all and listen to the word of God, the singing and to praise Jesus, but I feel like everyone else among Christians are perfect, able to feel happy and don't seem worried or like they struggle with life, and I have no Christian friends to ask to go with me, and are pretty sure that if anyone became my friend that they would only do so to be kind, not because I am a person they enjoy spending time with. That's also a good example of how all things in life feel like, and I don't see any hope in anything getting better, since I have such a long experience of everything just getting worse , and the more I spend time to try to do better, the more I fail and only make things worse. So I have problems even trying anymore. I feel there's no point in trying to communicate about it even, since I would just waste the time of people that think that it's possible to talk me out of problems. That there's just some things I haven't thought about, that they can think about, and then I would see that things are not so bad after all, but also that's a pipedream. I feel as the woman in Revelation, only that I don't advice anyone else to do it, that have seen into the depths of Satan, and also that I don't think anything good have come from that, I have seen that there's nothing good in this world, and I fear people, because I dread all the evil we are capable of. I can't watch TV anymore, and are just glad mine broke down many years ago, and things like shows about crime, horror, gore etc. is too much and it won't take much to push me beyond the edge of sanity, if I haven't already passed that point, since nothing much people talk about make sense, and I cannot understand how anyone can live and watch things like news about all the suffering in the world, and then just switch and think about and talk about something different. I don't see anything funny about things anymore, or anything to be happy about. Nor do I desire anything, and mostly I wish I could have the ability to smile and be happy about things, simply to not feel like a burden, that only cause grief to those that might care about me. So I feel guilt and shame simply to be alive, and often think how much better it would be to if I was not alive at all, but could rest forever, but want to make sure I do the will of God, and be something good for someone or something. That's where the sense of living a life that have some meaning come in, because there's naturally not very much meaning in any of the things I've written.

Click to expand...