Should I come clean to my husband?

Jonathan Walkerin · Sep 16, 2020

Michie said:
I’m sorry but this is so unfeasible I do not see how anyone could believe this.

That about sums up 80% of these forums.....

Michie · Sep 16, 2020

Jonathan Walkerin said:
That about sums up 80% of these forums.....

Oh welcome back.

Jonathan Walkerin · Sep 16, 2020

Michie said:
Oh welcome back.

Pleasure as always.

SkyWriting · Sep 16, 2020

Patti Pudding said:
I always dreamed about having kids and being a mother. To me, being a mom seems like a really rewarding thing in life. Some women don't want kids and prefer to focus on their careers instead. But not me.

I've been married for 6 years now, and during this whole time my husband didn't want to have children. He has anxiety and stress problems, and he feels like it isn't the right time to have a family. But I'm in my early 30s, and having kids at my age is difficult. And it gets even more difficult the more I age. By 40 having a child naturally would be nearly impossible.

I became very impatient with my husband. I kept telling him I wanted a family, but he continually said we should wait longer. I was so tired of being put off that I decided to do something that, although it seemed right at first, has been bothering my conscience.

I clandestinely went to a reproductive clinic and told them I wanted to have children via IVF. I selected a sperm donor who is 6'3" and has blonde hair and blue eyes. I went through the treatments without my husband's knowledge or consent, and now I'm several months pregnant with twins.

My husband believes the unborn twin babies are his. Although he didn't really want a family, he seems mildly happy about my pregnancy. I'm definitely excited about becoming a mom, but part of me is worried that, after the kids are born, my husband will eventually find out they're not his babies, since they probably won't look like him. What if he divorces me? The prospect of that happening is frightening.

Part of me wants to keep it a secret. After all, I didn't commit actual adultery on my husband. I've been faithful to him during our entire marriage. If our children don't share his DNA, is there really any harm? Your parents are always the ones who raise you irrespective of genetic lineage. Again, I've been faithful to him during our entire marriage, so did I really do anything wrong? I think not.

Well I'm really torn over what I should do. Should I come clean and tell him that the twins aren't actually his? Or should I let this little white lie be kept a secret for the good of the family and for the good of my marriage?

You should tell him. But the twins will actually be his. Millions get pregnancy help.
The kids are theirs and belong to nobody else.

mama2one · Sep 16, 2020

need to come clean, ASAP

bèlla · Sep 16, 2020

“If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.” —1 John 1:9

Patti,

It would be better to tell the truth than live in fear of discovery. You won’t have a moment’s peace until you do. You may want to consider marriage counseling and discuss the problem with a professional beforehand. Your husband will need emotional support and it may be better to address it in a safe environment where his needs won’t be ignored.

Breaches of trust take time to heal. I’ve heard of similar situations and the couples worked through it. You have three people who need you and must consider their welfare going forward. Give your husband the time and consideration he requires to rebuild his trust.

Spend much time in prayer. Pray for your husband, marriage and children. Use Stormie Omartian’s books and read The Respect Dare. Do the exercises and check out The Peaceful Wife blog. You can’t salvage your marriage if you don’t respect him. That’s where you went astray and where the healing begins.

Yours in His Service,

~Bella

bèlla · Sep 16, 2020

Some insurance plans include IVF treatments. Coverage is mandatory in some states. I’ve researched it in the past.

Yours in His Service,

~Bella

Michie · Sep 16, 2020

:face palm: I guess we believe what we want. It’s a long complicated process with or without money or insurance. Keeping this IVF process secret from the husband would be quite the feat.

Lady Bug · Sep 16, 2020

If you hadn't done this in secret I would definitely had said your husband was being unfair, even cruel perhaps. But this situation is a bummer. I have no idea how this will end.

Patti Pudding · Sep 16, 2020

Brightmoon said:
IIRC and IANAL , the law would consider them to be his anyway because you’re married . I wouldn’t tell him . It’s only going to potentially become a serious problem if the child has a genetic disease that neither of you share.
To be honest, why would you do that to your marriage and your spouse? You screwed up . Don’t make it a worse problem

I'm thinking that telling him would be a bad idea on so many levels. For one, he could divorce me soon while I'm still pregnant, so his name wouldn't be on the twins' birth certificate. This would mean that I wouldn't get child support payments in the event of a divorce. There is also the fact that his feelings would get hurt, and I don't want to hurt his feelings. Best it be kept a secret to avoid so much potential conflict and harm.

mmksparbud · Sep 16, 2020

Thee are tons of consent forms to sign. The partner has to sign them to, there are papers that are signed as to whom the parent is considered to be. This doesn't come across as being all that genuine. They have gotten very strict now due to cases of fraud, and cases that have ended up in court over not having proper consent forms signed by all parties involved. The husband has to sign unless there is a legal separation.

Michie · Sep 16, 2020

mmksparbud said:
Thee are tons of consent forms to sign. The partner has to sign them to, there are papers that are signed as to whom the parent is considered to be. This doesn't come across as being all that genuine. They have gotten very strict now due to cases of fraud, and cases that have ended up in court over not having proper consent forms signed by all parties involved. The husband has to sign unless there is a legal separation.

Thank you.

Tropical Wilds · Sep 16, 2020

You should absolutely tell him. He deserves to know the type of person he married.

Contrite Spirit · Sep 16, 2020

Patti Pudding said:
This would mean that I wouldn't get child support payments in the event of a divorce. There is also the fact that his feelings would get hurt, and I don't want to hurt his feelings.

Wow. You are worried about child support after becoming pregnant with another man's baby, and you expect the man that you betrayed to finance the results for the next 18 or so years--times two.

You obviously care nothing for his feelings. If you had considered his feelings in the beginning this would never have taken place.

And I seriously doubt that it DID take place.

Edited to add: Your question was whether you should come clean. The answer is yes. Then you need to fall on your face before the Lord God Almighty and beg for some kind of forgiveness and ability to face the consequences of your actions. The Lord will forgive through true repentance and trust in Jesus. You just don't sound repentant to me, though. You are wanting to add more lies to what you have already done.

Macchiato · Sep 16, 2020

Jude1:3Contendforthefaith said:
Is this a troll thread ?

He will basically be raising children from another man without his consent.

You definitely did something wrong and he deserves to know the truth.

If he divorces you he shouldn't have to pay alimony or child support since he didn't even know what you did and the children are not even really his.

.

This does seem like a troll thread. Very unbelievable.

Redwingfan9 · Sep 16, 2020

Patti Pudding said:
I always dreamed about having kids and being a mother. To me, being a mom seems like a really rewarding thing in life. Some women don't want kids and prefer to focus on their careers instead. But not me.

I've been married for 6 years now, and during this whole time my husband didn't want to have children. He has anxiety and stress problems, and he feels like it isn't the right time to have a family. But I'm in my early 30s, and having kids at my age is difficult. And it gets even more difficult the more I age. By 40 having a child naturally would be nearly impossible.

I became very impatient with my husband. I kept telling him I wanted a family, but he continually said we should wait longer. I was so tired of being put off that I decided to do something that, although it seemed right at first, has been bothering my conscience.

I clandestinely went to a reproductive clinic and told them I wanted to have children via IVF. I selected a sperm donor who is 6'3" and has blonde hair and blue eyes. I went through the treatments without my husband's knowledge or consent, and now I'm several months pregnant with twins.

My husband believes the unborn twin babies are his. Although he didn't really want a family, he seems mildly happy about my pregnancy. I'm definitely excited about becoming a mom, but part of me is worried that, after the kids are born, my husband will eventually find out they're not his babies, since they probably won't look like him. What if he divorces me? The prospect of that happening is frightening.

Part of me wants to keep it a secret. After all, I didn't commit actual adultery on my husband. I've been faithful to him during our entire marriage. If our children don't share his DNA, is there really any harm? Your parents are always the ones who raise you irrespective of genetic lineage. Again, I've been faithful to him during our entire marriage, so did I really do anything wrong? I think not.

Well I'm really torn over what I should do. Should I come clean and tell him that the twins aren't actually his? Or should I let this little white lie be kept a secret for the good of the family and for the good of my marriage?

I can't imagine a more outrageous thing in marriage outside of adultery. To go behind his back and get knocked up with another man's children, via expensive IVF is shocking. He would be wise to divorce you and get these kids declared not his. If you wanted kids, why didn't you just stop taking the pill?

Beyond all of that, have you spent a single second thinking about what you're doing to these kids? I suspect as you coveted children you never bothered to consider what you were doing to them. Their father is unknown, your husband will likely not want them. Even if he sticks around the odds of him not resenting thr kids is slim. You put yourself first, not those kids and when they figure it out as adults they'll hate you for it. That might sound harsh but it's true.

You must come clean to your husband. It would be beyond selfish (which you already are) not to tell him.

Redwingfan9 · Sep 16, 2020

Patti Pudding said:
I'm thinking that telling him would be a bad idea on so many levels. For one, he could divorce me soon while I'm still pregnant, so his name wouldn't be on the twins' birth certificate. This would mean that I wouldn't get child support payments in the event of a divorce. There is also the fact that his feelings would get hurt, and I don't want to hurt his feelings. Best it be kept a secret to avoid so much potential conflict and harm.

Remind me why he should pay for children that aren't his, conceived via IVF he knew nothing about. Your entire attitude is shockingly self absorbed.

Michie · Sep 16, 2020

Redwingfan9 said:
I can't imagine a more outrageous thing in marriage outside of adultery. To go behind his back and get knocked up with another man's children, via expensive IVF is shocking. He would be wise to divorce you and get these kids declared not his. If you wanted kids, why didn't you just stop taking the pill?

Beyond all of that, have you spent a single second thinking about what you're doing to these kids? I suspect as you coveted children you never bothered to consider what you were doing to them. Their father is unknown, your husband will likely not want them. Even if he sticks around the odds of him not resenting thr kids is slim. You put yourself first, not those kids and when they figure it out as adults they'll hate you for it. That might sound harsh but it's true.

You must come clean to your husband. It would be beyond selfish (which you already are) not to tell him.

This is just post baiting imo. If I wanted this stuff, I’d take up soap operas.

Macchiato · Sep 16, 2020

Michie said:
This is just post baiting imo. If I wanted this stuff, I’d take up soap operas.

Yeah the OP hasnt replied yet either.

Redwingfan9 · Sep 16, 2020

Michie said:
This is just post baiting imo. If I wanted this stuff, I’d take up soap operas.

I'll grant there is a certain soap aspect to this. All we need now is for the babies to be switched at birth or something.

Should I come clean to my husband?

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