what can I do to make our marriage happy ? everything seems dead-end

Klyffe · Sep 8, 2020

Hello Dear Brothers and Sisters.
My name is Klyffe.

Both of us are believers and our children are.

In the Bible it is written that one can only divorce if the spouse has committed adultery.

but my life since marriage has became pretty isolated, not very happy and spiritually unfruitful.

I have prayed many times and fasted, so the Lord gives humbleness and fear of the Lord to my spouse and also to show me how to change in order for our marriage to be happy, but after all these many years it’s only worsening.

Since our marriage my spouse apparently wasn’t too happy with my personal traits, and I pretty much did and still doing my best to change the way she wants me to be

changed my personality pretty much to the way my spouse wants me to be.
Stopped talking to many of my friends.
Stopped doing the contributions to after-church events in church to spend all my time with family. switched churches to go to the church my spouse chose, even tho I didn’t want to switch to that church.

I don’t know what else to change to make my spouse treat me better and to be happy with me.

There’s much more things that I haven’t typed yet, but I’m willing to share them if you brothers and sisters can give me some guidance and suggestions on what to do.

I don’t want to divorce because I believe divorce is a sin, but me being married to my spouse makes my life not happy and I stopped doing the things I did for the Lord and church before

RaymondG · Sep 8, 2020

Why are you not happy? Is it because you changed things for your wife's happiness? Do you think she is happy now? Is it only you who want the divorce or is she asking for it as well?

timothyu · Sep 8, 2020

Sorry to say but it sounds as if you are in a passive-aggressive situation (dealing with another's personality disorder) and no matter what you do to please, the game will continue as it has on your spouses part. Hope I am wrong.

HappyHope · Sep 8, 2020

Klyffe said:
Hello Dear Brothers and Sisters.
My name is Klyffe.

Both of us are believers and our children are.

In the Bible it is written that one can only divorce if the spouse has committed adultery.

but my life since marriage has became pretty isolated, not very happy and spiritually unfruitful.

I have prayed many times and fasted, so the Lord gives humbleness and fear of the Lord to my spouse and also to show me how to change in order for our marriage to be happy, but after all these many years it’s only worsening.

Since our marriage my spouse apparently wasn’t too happy with my personal traits, and I pretty much did and still doing my best to change the way she wants me to be

changed my personality pretty much to the way my spouse wants me to be.
Stopped talking to many of my friends.
Stopped doing the contributions to after-church events in church to spend all my time with family. switched churches to go to the church my spouse chose, even tho I didn’t want to switch to that church.

I don’t know what else to change to make my spouse treat me better and to be happy with me.

There’s much more things that I haven’t typed yet, but I’m willing to share them if you brothers and sisters can give me some guidance and suggestions on what to do.

I don’t want to divorce because I believe divorce is a sin, but me being married to my spouse makes my life not happy and I stopped doing the things I did for the Lord and church before

I am sorry to hear how unhappy you and your spouse are together. It sounds like neither of you like each other. If I had to guess, you both hurt each other years ago and are on a never ending cycle of disappointment, hurt, and discouragement. Dr. Emerson Eggrichs calls it the crazy cycle. You both trust each other with the kids. You both have good intentions towards each other but you can barely stand each other. Correct me if I'm wrong. If you do not have good intention towards each other, my advice will not work and you can stop reading.

When people share about their marriages on forums, they usually do what you do. They list the problems with their spouse and talk about how they have tried to accommodate their unreasonable spouse. Lots of thinly veiled hurt and anger insinuating a victim position. I would recommend the book Love & Respect and The Five Love Languages. If you are on the crazy cycle, the spouse who considers himself/herself the most mature should be the first one to hop off.

Basically, you have to learn more about your love/respect needs based on how God designed you. And you have to learn more about your spouse's love/respect needs based on how God designed her. The Love and Respect book is eye-opening and explains a lot. It helps you understand why you react a certain way and why your spouse reacts a certain way. It teaches you how to react in a way your spouse interprets as love/respect. Before you know it, you will find yourself actually liking and respecting your spouse. And your spouse will be more inclined to find ways to show you love/respect in a way you feel it. It may take a bit of time initially but hang in there and don't give up!

Joined2krist · Sep 8, 2020

Endure, dear brethren. God bless

FutureAndAHope · Sep 8, 2020

Klyffe said:
Hello Dear Brothers and Sisters.
My name is Klyffe.

Both of us are believers and our children are.

In the Bible it is written that one can only divorce if the spouse has committed adultery.

but my life since marriage has became pretty isolated, not very happy and spiritually unfruitful.

I have prayed many times and fasted, so the Lord gives humbleness and fear of the Lord to my spouse and also to show me how to change in order for our marriage to be happy, but after all these many years it’s only worsening.

Since our marriage my spouse apparently wasn’t too happy with my personal traits, and I pretty much did and still doing my best to change the way she wants me to be

changed my personality pretty much to the way my spouse wants me to be.
Stopped talking to many of my friends.
Stopped doing the contributions to after-church events in church to spend all my time with family. switched churches to go to the church my spouse chose, even tho I didn’t want to switch to that church.

I don’t know what else to change to make my spouse treat me better and to be happy with me.

There’s much more things that I haven’t typed yet, but I’m willing to share them if you brothers and sisters can give me some guidance and suggestions on what to do.

I don’t want to divorce because I believe divorce is a sin, but me being married to my spouse makes my life not happy and I stopped doing the things I did for the Lord and church before

You will have to stick with it. If you are finding that your wife makes it difficult for you to minister, you are just going to have to pray that God reveals this to your wife.

Also the bible tells us "if there is any good report meditate on these things", you need to focus on any good points of the marriage, and the good in your wife. Don't let the negative eat you up.

Endeavourer · Sep 8, 2020

Dear brother,

I strongly recommend that you do not follow any of the advice in the book, Love and Respect. It teaches the husband to be entitled to the wife's obedience (aka "respect") and in the couples I have worked with, this book has made their marriages even worse. Further, it teaches the heresy that sex is a need that only the husbands have and guilts the wife into performing duty sex. This does not produce happy marriages.

Currently, does your wife seem satisfied with your marriage? With all you have done to accommodate her wishes, do you feel you are meeting her needs? Or does she see the marriage as a problem also?

A marriage can be happy if you are both having your needs met by the other, and you are both avoiding behaviors that make the other unhappy. If your marriage is to survive, she will need to learn to meet your needs as well.

Here is a summary of how healthy marriages function:

A Summary of Dr. Harley's Basic Concepts : Marriage Builders, Inc.

Tony B · Sep 8, 2020

Klyffe said:
I don’t want to divorce because I believe divorce is a sin, but me being married to my spouse makes my life not happy and I stopped doing the things I did for the Lord and church before

Hello Klyffe,

I'm really sorry to hear you and your wife are unhappy living together.

There's provision in scripture for your case, for you both to separate if you can't get on, but you are to remain single or be reunited. By what you've disclosed so far, there are not grounds for either of you to enact a divorce.

Often times just pulling apart gives us space to rest from the battle, reassert ourselves, and also to realise what we might be missing, and then with a little tweaking regain the spark and happiness that we all hope for in a marital relationship.

It is a mistake to let go of our own personality at the behest of anyone, even by a spouse. God has given you your personality, and it is unique. You need to keep it in honour of God, and out of love for yourself and your wife.

It is true we generally need to tone down some of our personality's traits/excesses, which are tolerable when we live by ourselves, but not so when someone sharing the same house has to suffer the consequence of them. And of course, we need to get rid of any ungodly attitudes and behaviour (from our past Adamic nature) that will be problematic to our relationship with God, let alone to that with our spouse.

It would be good if you have a pastor/elder or a quality Christian marriage guidance counsellor you can confide in for advice. If a pastor, then his wife may be able to get alongside your wife to get her perspective, and give advice to her. A properly trained and equipped (by God) pastor and wife team are precious to helping we Christians sort out relationship problems.

bèlla · Sep 8, 2020

Klyffe said:
but my life since marriage has became pretty isolated, not very happy and spiritually unfruitful.

Klyffe,

Welcome to the site. I hope your time is enjoyable and edifying.

You’ve mentioned a great deal thus far. What was the relationship like prior to marriage? Was she comfortable with your personality, church involvement and friends beforehand? Or did she complain? Were you happy as a pair?

Since our marriage my spouse apparently wasn’t too happy with my personal traits, and I pretty much did and still doing my best to change the way she wants me to be

Did you change? When did she communicate her dissatisfaction? Did you attend premarital counseling?

changed my personality pretty much to the way my spouse wants me to be.
Stopped talking to many of my friends.
Stopped doing the contributions to after-church events in church to spend all my time with family. switched churches to go to the church my spouse chose, even tho I didn’t want to switch to that church.

It sounds like you’ve handed over the reins to your wife and it hasn’t deepened her regard or happiness. If anything, she’s probably lost respect for you for complying.

I don’t know what else to change to make my spouse treat me better and to be happy with me.

It is unlikely that further contortion will yield happiness for either. You’ll begin to hate yourself if you continue morphing into someone you’re not.

I don’t want to divorce because I believe divorce is a sin, but me being married to my spouse makes my life not happy and I stopped doing the things I did for the Lord and church before

I think marital counseling is a must. I suspect there are deeper issues contributing to your behavior collectively. You are exhibiting the characteristics of people pleasing and that rarely provides the results the person wants. You’ll end up despising her if it continues.

You need a third-party to point out the challenges you’re oblivious to. You’d benefit from marriage mentors too. They should be stable people with godly unions whom the Lord has gifted to come alongside couples like yourself. Your pastor would be the best source for suggestions. Their prayers and support will be a blessing to you and yours during this difficult season.

Yours in His Service,

~Bella

longwait · Sep 9, 2020

Klyffe said:
Hello Dear Brothers and Sisters.
My name is Klyffe.

Both of us are believers and our children are.

In the Bible it is written that one can only divorce if the spouse has committed adultery.

but my life since marriage has became pretty isolated, not very happy and spiritually unfruitful.

I have prayed many times and fasted, so the Lord gives humbleness and fear of the Lord to my spouse and also to show me how to change in order for our marriage to be happy, but after all these many years it’s only worsening.

Since our marriage my spouse apparently wasn’t too happy with my personal traits, and I pretty much did and still doing my best to change the way she wants me to be

changed my personality pretty much to the way my spouse wants me to be.
Stopped talking to many of my friends.
Stopped doing the contributions to after-church events in church to spend all my time with family. switched churches to go to the church my spouse chose, even tho I didn’t want to switch to that church.

I don’t know what else to change to make my spouse treat me better and to be happy with me.

There’s much more things that I haven’t typed yet, but I’m willing to share them if you brothers and sisters can give me some guidance and suggestions on what to do.

I don’t want to divorce because I believe divorce is a sin, but me being married to my spouse makes my life not happy and I stopped doing the things I did for the Lord and church before

God should be first and foremost in your life. You shouldn't throw God out to make someone else happy. I think the only way to be at peace in your marriage is to accept each other as you are (off course, if you have horrible sins in yourselves you need to rid yourselves of that).

tturt · Sep 9, 2020

Hi Klyffe, joining others in welcoming you to CF.

Encourage you to watch "Marriage Today" Those televised programs are on Daystar. Plus their website marriagetoday.com/category/tv-episodes/ has probably 60 free episodes including "What a man really needs" and 'What a woman really needs" by Jimmy Evan's ministries. All teachings are Biblically based. Plus there's books, videos, etc. One of his books is "The Four Laws of Love." He was interviewed on Joni Table Table for 4 sessions about the book - think these can be viewed still. There's hundreds on youtube.

Thankfully she's a believer. Would asks the Holy Spirit to guide me. (John 16:13). These are never just one sided so be prepared to make some changes. Glad you love the Lord.

SANTOSO · Sep 10, 2020

Klyffe said:
Hello Dear Brothers and Sisters.
My name is Klyffe.

Both of us are believers and our children are.

In the Bible it is written that one can only divorce if the spouse has committed adultery.

but my life since marriage has became pretty isolated, not very happy and spiritually unfruitful.

I have prayed many times and fasted, so the Lord gives humbleness and fear of the Lord to my spouse and also to show me how to change in order for our marriage to be happy, but after all these many years it’s only worsening.

Since our marriage my spouse apparently wasn’t too happy with my personal traits, and I pretty much did and still doing my best to change the way she wants me to be

changed my personality pretty much to the way my spouse wants me to be.
Stopped talking to many of my friends.
Stopped doing the contributions to after-church events in church to spend all my time with family. switched churches to go to the church my spouse chose, even tho I didn’t want to switch to that church.

I don’t know what else to change to make my spouse treat me better and to be happy with me.

There’s much more things that I haven’t typed yet, but I’m willing to share them if you brothers and sisters can give me some guidance and suggestions on what to do.

I don’t want to divorce because I believe divorce is a sin, but me being married to my spouse makes my life not happy and I stopped doing the things I did for the Lord and church before

Hello Klyffe,
Though you prayed and fasted, you rely on yourself or your own strength in order that your wife treats you better and to be happy with you.

You have to rely on God’s strength!

When you are suffering in this relationship, you need to consider this:
are you suffering for what is right ? If you are suffering for what is right or righteousness’ sake, you are suffering for Christ.

When you are suffering for what is wrong, you are on the wrong side, repent, and return to the Lord’s love.

When you don’t know whether you are suffering for what is right and wrong, ask the Lord both of you aright.

When you have labored all this years in this relationship and heavy laden; have you take the Lord’s yoke that may give you rest ? Why ? That you may know when you are yoked with the Lord; The Lord is also suffering with you.

When you are burdened in this relationship; have you surrendered your burden to the Lord ? or are you thinking that you want to bear this burden yourself again?
If not, have you praised the Lord for bearing your burden daily ?
Like the psalmist praise God:

Blessed be the Lord, who DAILY BEARS US UP; God is our salvation. Selah -Psalms 68:19

Have you prayed in the power of His blood? Why ? You know His blood can heal your relationship.

Just pray a short prayer :
The blood of the Lamb of God makes my marriage strong and whole. Amen
The blood of the Lamb of God makes my family strong and whole. Amen

Just pray again and again when there are disturbing thoughts and feelings of anxiety, doubts and fear stir in you. Pray until the evil spirits of doubts, fear, and anxiety flee from you.
When they come back, you know this:
for the LORD my God is He who goes with me to fight for me against my enemies, to give me the victory.' -Deuteronomy 20:4

Just pray again and again, you can receive victory from the Lord.
Pray earnestly; For those who seek the Lord wholeheartedly, will find Him.

Klyffe, set your minds on the things above.
When you are filled the Lord’s steadfast love, His joy, His strength, His faithfulness, His goodness, His loving kindness.

Your cup will be filled and overflow ; your wife will draw near you because she knows that God sent you for her.

ChristServant · Sep 12, 2020

Endeavourer said:
Dear brother,

I strongly recommend that you do not follow any of the advice in the book, Love and Respect. It teaches the husband to be entitled to the wife's obedience (aka "respect") and in the couples I have worked with, this book has made their marriages even worse. Further, it teaches the heresy that sex is a need that only the husbands have and guilts the wife into performing duty sex. This does not produce happy marriages.

Currently, does your wife seem satisfied with your marriage? With all you have done to accommodate her wishes, do you feel you are meeting her needs? Or does she see the marriage as a problem also?

A marriage can be happy if you are both having your needs met by the other, and you are both avoiding behaviors that make the other unhappy. If your marriage is to survive, she will need to learn to meet your needs as well.

Here is a summary of how healthy marriages function:

A Summary of Dr. Harley's Basic Concepts : Marriage Builders, Inc.

Are you telling me you know better than the Bible, I presume this is what you mean when you write, "do not follow any of the advice in the book?"

I love how professing Christians deny GOD's word for worldy wisdom and knowledge. WOW. If I'm interpreting this wrong, I'm sorry but if not, why are you professing to be a Christian and completely disrespecting GOD's word in scripture?

Endeavourer · Sep 12, 2020

ChristServant said:
Are you telling me you know better than the Bible, I presume this is what you mean when you write, "do not follow any of the advice in the book?"

I love how professing Christians deny GOD's word for worldy wisdom and knowledge. WOW. If I'm interpreting this wrong, I'm sorry but if not, why are you professing to be a Christian and completely disrespecting GOD's word in scripture?

My comments were directed toward the book Love and Respect, which is not the Bible - far from it - and that book has very damaging advice for marriages.

I would be concerned about anyone who equated the revelation that Emmerson Eggerich claims to have had for writing that book with Scriptures that were inspired by the Holy Spirit. In no way would I put his writing on any level close to the Apostle Paul, or any other inspired Scripture.

His book does not agree with Scripture in many respects - and that is the ultimate test of a false prophet.

ChristServant · Sep 13, 2020

Endeavourer said:
My comments were directed toward the book Love and Respect, which is not the Bible - far from it - and that book has very damaging advice for marriages.

I would be concerned about anyone who equated the revelation that Emmerson Eggerich claims to have had for writing that book with Scriptures that were inspired by the Holy Spirit. In no way would I put his writing on any level close to the Apostle Paul, or any other inspired Scripture.

His book does not agree with Scripture in many respects - and that is the ultimate test of a false prophet.

That is a big relief.

Bob Crowley · Sep 14, 2020

Since our marriage my spouse apparently wasn’t too happy with my personal traits, and I pretty much did and still doing my best to change the way she wants me to be

changed my personality pretty much to the way my spouse wants me to be.

Stopped talking to many of my friends.

Stopped doing the contributions to after-church events in church to spend all my time with family. switched churches to go to the church my spouse chose, even tho I didn’t want to switch to that church.

I don’t know what else to change to make my spouse treat me better and to be happy with me.

I'm somewhat reluctant to get involved in marital concerns, but it seems to me you are the one doing all the giving. Maybe it's time you started sticking up for yourself and make it clear there are two people in this marriage, not just her.

You're not her doormat.

Jimdubu · Sep 15, 2020

Klyffe said:
Hello Dear Brothers and Sisters.
My name is Klyffe.

Both of us are believers and our children are.

In the Bible it is written that one can only divorce if the spouse has committed adultery.

but my life since marriage has became pretty isolated, not very happy and spiritually unfruitful.

I have prayed many times and fasted, so the Lord gives humbleness and fear of the Lord to my spouse and also to show me how to change in order for our marriage to be happy, but after all these many years it’s only worsening.

Since our marriage my spouse apparently wasn’t too happy with my personal traits, and I pretty much did and still doing my best to change the way she wants me to be

changed my personality pretty much to the way my spouse wants me to be.
Stopped talking to many of my friends.
Stopped doing the contributions to after-church events in church to spend all my time with family. switched churches to go to the church my spouse chose, even tho I didn’t want to switch to that church.

I don’t know what else to change to make my spouse treat me better and to be happy with me.

There’s much more things that I haven’t typed yet, but I’m willing to share them if you brothers and sisters can give me some guidance and suggestions on what to do.

I don’t want to divorce because I believe divorce is a sin, but me being married to my spouse makes my life not happy and I stopped doing the things I did for the Lord and church before

Jimdubu · Sep 15, 2020

I am sorry for what you and your bride are going through. Marriage can be tough. I know I have been married 36 years. It has to be a partnership. But sometimes it needs some guidance. Here are some references that you and your bride can look at. Is Your Marriage Built on a Solid Foundation? | A Listly List . Also you might think about checking this out as well Home - Hope Restored : A Marriage Intensive Experience Prayers for you and your bride. Also remember that all the answers can be found in the Holy scriptures. Read them together, and pray over them together. Marriage is a partnership, Our wives are to submit to us ( guys love using that one, but fail to remember what comes next) And Husbands are to love their wives a Christ loved the Church and gave himself up for her.

Klyffe · Nov 16, 2020

Dear Brothers and Sisters, Thank you all for your prayers, support and advice.

Sorry for not replying for too long, because she checks my phone often, and sometimes takes it away for hours. Every time I post here I have to go and delete history and such.

I wish I had time to reply to every post here in this thread. But I’ll reply in general:

we pray together. Read bible too. Go to church together. Sometime we’ll do some kind of church activity together, but she’s involved in church activities on her own and with her friends.

Standing up for myself would be very hard ( I’ve tried tho ) I’m very soft person, but the worst is that if I’ll try she’ll do the usual routine of calling her parents and siblings and my parents and exaggerate things and even lie about me. And the way she is both her and mine parents are afraid of her or to speak something that she’ll disagree with cuz she’ll go off on them too.

my daily life is regulated by her :

I go to work. Come home spend time with the kids and helping her around the house and do the chores she asks me to do the way she wants them done.
She’ll send me to store sometimes to get this or that. and on sunday everything the same except we’ll go to church together.

But she’ll go to any places she wants whenever she wants, visiting friends, do church activities with her friends, of course she’ll usually notify before hand that she’s going here or there.

SANTOSO · Nov 17, 2020

Klyffe,

Have you heard this :
I am small and despised, yet I do not forget your precepts. -Psalms 119:141

Yes, seek the Lord’s precepts. What is the promise of God to those who seek His precepts?

Redeem me from man's oppression, that I may keep your precepts. -Psalms 119:134

Trust in the power of God’s redemption!
How to trust ?
This is what we have heard:
With my lips I declare all the rules of your mouth. -Psalms 119:13

Say in faith :
The blood of the Lamb of God redeem me from human oppression and set me completely free in the name of Jesus Christ. Amen

In that way, you know the Lord’s promise give you life.

Secondly, have you heard this :
Likewise, husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way, showing honor to the woman as the weaker vessel, since they are heirs with you of the grace of life, so that your prayers may not be hindered. -1 Peter 3:7

We who are strong have an obligation to bear with the failings of the weak, and not to please ourselves. -Romans 15:1

See, as husband, we need to see that wife as heirs together as those who receive the grace of life. That means that as husband need to show honor to wife as weaker vessel and live with them in understanding way and bear her failings.

Therefore, pray on her behalf to God, asking the Lord to forgive for the way she mistreat you, her parents in law and her parents, and release forgiveness to her everyday. For you are now one in the sight of God.

When you meet her parents or your parents alone or that you can talk to them alone, humble yourself before them and asking them to forgive where your wife may fail to meet their expectations. In this way, you are on her behalf and can bring reconciliation to the family. For it is good in God’s sight for all of us to pursue peace.

In this manner, you can bring honor to God.

Your wife will eventually respect you and honor you.

Just persevere under suffering for what is right; you are suffering for Christ’s sake. When it hurts, trust God the Father can give strength to bear all things in Christ, trust all things in Christ, hopes all things in Christ, and endures all things in Christ.

For this is what we have heard:
Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. -1 Corinthians 13:7

Let us be in union with this love of Christ.

what can I do to make our marriage happy ? everything seems dead-end

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