I've lived a pure life, set apart for Jesus. Born again at a young age and speaking in tongues and have never gone into the world and never will. Once I gave my life to Jesus, I never looked back and He set me free from sin and I grew so close to God and Holy Spirit. Extremely close. I got baptised at age 20 which was glorious and amazing. The next year I got attacked spiritually and thought I had lost salvation but God led me through that wilderness and I discovered that I am His chosen beloved child! I had not lost salvation. The 'I am who you say I am' Hillsong album was timely and came out when I needed it. It was very tough trial but God got me through it and I saw His hand on my life. He gave me many visions and comforted me.
From this trial, I developed a weakness in the mind of ocd thoughts that got in the way of my relationship with God. Holy Spirit cleared most of this up in 2019. But a few things happened in Dec that made the weakness come back and got worse. I started 2020 in a panic! I needed the whole world to pray for me!
So God was chasing me down and giving me signs that I am victorious and safe. Because I felt weaker due to the thoughts, I needed Him to fight for me and He did! How I felt made me think that Holy Spirit had left but He had not left me and never will leave me. The only reason I believed this is because of how close I had been to Him. However, I started to get signs and threats of Him leaving. Holy Spirit was warning me about hardening my heart about hell. I believed the lie that I was going to hell and that He had left. He told me not to be so hard on myself. By February this year on the 17th God's power came over me and I was in the tangible presence of God for over 30 minutes. It was my victory day!
I got a fresh baptism of the Holy Spirit on 17th Feb 2020. It was amazing and glorious. This did not last but I did get a victorious awakening on the 14th March 2020. Rainbows came out as a sign of God's true promise on the 21st and on the 22nd a candle of hope was lit worldwide. Also on this day Holy Spirit warned me saying, 'hell is illegal' warned of double doors and said 'you must trust', 'must trust'. He said it very clearly.
I still felt so vulnerable in the spirit realm and I ended up on the 26th March getting shot in the head by a demon. This was quite severe and sore. More shots happened and on the 29th March, I felt Holy Spirit's power leaving wave after wave. The power literally was sucked out of my body and it physically changed me. After that a spiritual drink was poured in by the enemy and left me empty and weightless. This was the double doors opening in the spirit I was warned about it. I lost what felt like a stone of spiritual weight. This was so serious and severe. I could not stop weeping and shouting out. My own spirit that was reborn got destroyed! Can you imagine the agony! I have been in agony since March 29th 2020. I cannot get in the presence of God, it seems impossible. No one understands what happened. They tell me just have faith He will never leave but it's too late!
Why did He leave me, was it because I was fearful and doubted too much? Or because the enemy had a legal right to come in and steal because of my fear? I was warned so many times but did not know how to escape! It does not seem fair at all. I am now dreading hell but I am young woman after God's own heart. I am surrounded by Christians but feel like a hypocrite now. My desire to pray, read the Bible or worship has gone because I can't do it without the Holy Spirit. It is a terrible situation since church was my life, God was my life and now I cannot have God, I do not want life. But if I die I do not want hell, though the separation I feel from God feels like hell already.
It sounds like God is chastening you, so please don't despair. God has a very good reason for allowing this to happen to you. I'm sure you can't find a rational explanation for this affliction but hang in there God will reveal it to you when you're ready.
The enemy goes after those who confess Christ as their Lord and savior, the devil and his demons are very powerful and they do attack God's people. The main weapons of the devil are lies and deception, he accuses us and tells us the lie that we're not worthy to be called Christians.
God has allowed the enemy to try you, remember (the devil must ask God for permission to afflict Gods people). The fact that you show so much concern for your spiritual state shows that God is actually doing a work in your life. Those who are lost would never show such deep sorrow for their state.
Jesus said, "blessed are those who mourn" He was referring to those who mourn over their sin just as you're doing. So please don't give up, and know that you can come back to the Lord just as you are. God knows exactly how you feel, He knows your a sinner needing forgiveness just as the rest of us do.
Jesus said, "I will never leave you, nor forsake you". Please don't look to yourself or rely on your own strength to repent, just come to the Lord as you are. Call upon Him to free you from this bondage of guilt and despair. He draws near to those who draw near to Him.
If you try to clean your life up before you approach Him, the enemy will use that time to drag you deeper into depravity and cause you to lose hope altogether. Please don't allow that old liar to rob you of the joy which Christ purchased for you at a very high personal cost.
You can't see the forest through the trees right now, but if you put your whole trust in Christ He will show you. It sounds like you're relying on your own strength and wisdom in this battle with the powers of darkness. Humans are no match for them, one angel killed 186,000 soldiers in one night but he couldn't defeat Satan so He called upon the Lord, so we shouldn't try to fight them on our own either.