Don't know what to do

hc20 said:

I feel like he's not leading our family or being a godly head of the household.

Click to expand...

Ummm...a guy always leads...he isn't a boss so it's up to you to follow.

hc20 said:

I feel like I've gotten no support from him on this issue. We haven't lived in our town long so I have really leaned on him for this kind of support.

Click to expand...

Is he supporting or not?
It's kinda like pregnancy...you either are or aren't. If you aren't getting what you want are you asking for specifics or using "psychic powers" to make him understand?
Just as a huge hint...guys are not psychic.

hc20 said:

I've also been getting frustrated because I feel like he doesn't do the things I need him to do as a husband, and it worries me when I think about having a family with him.

Click to expand...

Ummmm
There's several stages in marriage...
Right now you two get to live together like you are dating with the freedom to do as you please. Of course you do them together.

But your husband is leading...
He is a unique individual who has his own style about doing things. He isn't there to behave like a robot actor and fulfill some sort of pre-planned fantasy. He's a person...meaning that he has a unique "long game" even if he has no means to express those ideas to you.

Now when he talks about being anxious about leaving the other church...did you ask him why? What does the original church do for him? Why is he afraid of losing it?

And then the big question is "Why didn't you ask?"
Don't you care about his needs or are you only concerned with yours?

I'm seeing a huge power struggle between you two...he is a Christian man...he doesn't demand that you follow he only asks. I don't see you complaining about his demands...
So likely it's a willful defiance of submission on your part... the question is why? Why are you not wanting to follow his lead?

I can understand a reluctance about hanging out with a bunch of single people...not a good idea for married men and women. But that's not what you were saying.

hc20, welcome to CF

The most powerful thing you can do is pray.

Encourage you to watch "Marriage Today" Those televised programs are on Daystar. Plus their website marriagetoday.com/category/tv-episodes/ has probably 60 free episodes including "What a man really needs" and 'What a woman really needs" by Jimmy Evan's ministries. All teachings are Biblically based. Plus there's books, videos, etc. Recent book "The Four Laws of Love" written by Jiimmy Evans would probably be helpful. He was interviewed on Joni: Table Table for 4 sessions about this book. Think they can be viewed. There's hundreds on youtube.

Also, found these Scriptures helpful.
To apply the Scripture about not letting the sun go down on our wrath -
A couple we know BOTH apologize before 10 PM whenever they have any type of disagreement

Also, Eph 5:33 says for husbands to love your wives and wives respect your husbands.
What does love look like to the wife and respect from the husband's respective?

It sounds to me like he has insecurities of his own that he is uncomfortable talking to you about. I know it's hard to communicate your needs for him to lead you and comfort you in what you're going through without sounding like you're nagging him and that just creates a cycle of frustration for both of you. Start looking to meet his needs first. Show him respect and follow his direction as best you can, whether or not he opens up. Eventually he will, and you two can have that dialog of your needs as well.

If you read through the thread, you'll see that he doesn't have, give, or offer any direction - except the direction where he is taking her car without a license and driving it under the influence with her kid next to him. She needs to get out.

hc20 said:

Sorry for the long post, but I am looking for some guidance.

My husband and I have been married two years now. We got married in college and have gone through a lot during our time together. Just in the past year; I have lost my dad after a long battle with cancer, a close family member of his was diagnosed with cancer just recently, and we are both looking at making career changes in the near future. Suffice to say, a lot has happened in the past year. We have never been one to really argue with each other, but lately it seems like it's all we do. Half the time I don't know what we're fighting about, or it will be about small things. I don't know if we have built up anger at each other that is manifesting in these small fights or what is going on.

We seem to annoy each other so easily now, and I find myself being upset with him frequently. I love my husband, but I've also been upset with him lately because I feel like he's not leading our family or being a godly head of the household. I've struggled with my faith since losing my dad, and I feel like I've gotten no support from him on this issue. We haven't lived in our town long so I have really leaned on him for this kind of support. This has been the biggest thing that has really upset me which I think adds fuel to the fire for the small fights.

I've tried to get him to read marriage books with me but he doesn't. We go to church, but we aren't involved in a good small group of married couples. We thought we had found one, but they recently changed their format so they don't talk about marriage anymore in the group and we meet with the singles class instead of it just being married couples. I know not having this community has hurt us. I've also been getting frustrated because I feel like he doesn't do the things I need him to do as a husband, and it worries me when I think about having a family with him. For example, today we visited another church since the one we go to has been lacking the community we need. After the service I asked him about talking with someone about a married class and such before we left, he said he didn't want to and hurried to leave. When we got home he finally told me that he just got anxious when he thought about talking to someone about a class and the possibility of leaving our other church. I found this very frustrating, but I also feel bad because I don't know if I should be frustrated with him over all of this. I know this was a long post, but I am at a loss for what to do. We don't have an older married couple we can confide in and I fear for our marriage if we continue like this.

Click to expand...

Have you loved the Lord your God ? Why
I am asking this ? When you have not trusted His love, His love will not surround you. Why you need God’s love to surround you?
When you heed the commandment to love your God, you will gain the capacity to love your husband. What is this capacity to love ? That is the capacity to show love and forgiveness to your husband, as God gives His steadfast love and mercy NEW everyday.

Are you seeking counsel ? Look at the Lord Jesus Christ who is a wonderful counselor and great in wisdom.

Have you heard this:
The steps of a man are established by the LORD, when he delights in His way; -Psalms 37:23
though he fall, he shall not be cast headlong, for the LORD upholds his hand. -Psalms 37:24

So have you delighted in the Lord’s ways, that is, to be merciful, compassionate, slow to anger, rich in grace and truth ?

When you have delighted in the Lord’s ways, He will establish your steps, that is, more than to be guided but establish! Is it not wonderful?

If the Lord uphold your hands or and your husband’s hands, you know the Lord’s hands are strong ! That means the Lord asks you to rely on His strength to establish your steps and your relationship with your husband.

So stop relying on your strength and your husband’s strength, start relying on His strength!
Then The Lord upholds your hands or and your husband’s hands.

And you will know the Lord’s hands or strength that carry you through this hardships in this relationship and restore your inner person.

Therefore, let thanksgiving of His love overflow in your life and give glory to God.

You two need to sit down and have a conversation, seriously. Nothing good can come from bottling it up day in and day out, trust me on this. Communication is #1 for ANY relationship and right now you both don't sound like you are doing that. Try your hardest to get a one on one sit down and just open up to each other. BE NICE if he denies the first time you ask. BE NICE the second time and so on and so forth until he finally has that conversation with you. PRAY lol I wish you the best!

Then if he has the issue...
Give him some "vitamin" supliments...
There are plenty of various ones on the market over the counter that will increase his testosterone levels/libido. None of them are labeled as doing such...

But a quick internet search can give you the list of various supliments like arginine or others.

Every couple goes through hills and valleys. Sounds like you are in the middle of one. It happens to every couple.

You might wish to sit down with him, and ask him what is going on in his world. He also could be distracted, and when I read he was anxious about asking about the class - and possibily leave the church you have started to newly attend. Sounds like something is up if this is all of a sudden type of behavior.

It also sounds like you both have plenty on your plate, and are dealing with many changes. This can really rock the balance of your marriage. We all deal with those times, and we all have to step back and realize we are human...not just the role (head of household/leading family).

I've been married forever it seems, and at times I think the first 5 years are the hardest. Just when you think you almost got it down? Something comes along and puts a fork in the road. You smooth it out, and someone acts out of character. You clear that out, and something else happens. This happens less and less with time, because you start to learn about each other. Your still new at this marriage thing, and it seems you are putting a heavy load on him when you say - it worries you when you think of having a family with him. Frustration is understandable, but you are pushing that envelope a bit to far when you allow yourself to think that.

Try to concentrate on him for a while, and find out what is going on his mind. He could be scared to death about something, and he may also need his supporting partner. There are times in which this happens at the same time. That's life!

Even when you get old like me? lol you have times of frustration too believe me! We just moved to a new state and retirement home that we built a couple of years ago. That moving process? By the end of it we wanted to kill each other. He normally gets moody when the stress level goes up after a while, and I normally find ways of cooling things down and deal with the loose ends. Well? I was stressed too during this period, and had one of my once in a while moments - I can't deal with your behavior right now periods. Our friends/family that helped us move? They felt it. We normally take turns during stressful periods. He will be the rock, and then I will be once he can't do it anymore. Neither one of us wanted to take our turn, and it was messy. Hills and valleys come and go, but you will end up okay.

You need to start a period in which you communicate more, and instead of wanting from him? See what he needs from you. You might be surprised once you drag it out of him (and yes you might have to drag it out of him), and find some resolution how things gets better. He might even give you that big hug you need in regards to your father. I'm so sorry about that. We both have lost both of our parents, and its a heartbreak no doubt.

Sometimes someone has to step up when others aren't there to rely on. Sounds like this time its you. YOU GO GIRL!! Make it happen!