Hi all I signed up on here years ago but have not hardly been on at all or used this site. I am reaching out to the Christian community to share my experience with ministry and living with 33 surgeries and the Chronic pain I am dealing with. Through all this I am seeing myself angered real easy and I am becoming someone I don't even know anymore. It is so not like me to be angry and yet here I am. I keep asking the Lord to show me my heart, because what is in the heart comes out of the mouth. Yes I find myself at a loss. I have had 6 neck surgeries and a lumbar surgery all fusions. I am always in pain from the top of my head to the bottom of my feet. I have sleep apnea on top of it and I have no cpap machine because I am allergic to the masks so right now we are trying to find something that will work to help me. I have hard other multiple surgeries as well. I have a swallowing problem too and one more thing I have MS. So you mix this together and you have one tired and frustrated angry women of God! YIKES! I am looking at yet another spinal surgery. However my fuse is really short and I am at my wits end. I need a miracle and I keep contending for one. Anyone else angry, tired and frustrated? Thanks so much
I had been angry ! I hate myself what I became.
I still remembered how the Lord delivered me from my destruction and foolishness!
This setback, makes me know God’s strength.
It has been time to time again I meditate to know more about God’s strength.
In His own words, our Father in Heaven, says this:
My son, do not lose sight of these' keep sound wisdom and discretion, and they will be life for your soul and adornment for your neck. -Proverbs 3:22
How gracious is Your words, loving Heavenly Father!
From the Bible, I come to know that God give STRENGTH to His people:
May the LORD give STRENGTH to His people! May the LORD bless His people with peace! -Psalms 29:11
When I was weak and lost, I know then how I hate what became of me!
May be this how you feel when you were WRETCHED! That was how I felt awful!
I did not come around till God DISCIPLINE me!
Thank you, loving Heavenly Father,
For You discipline me who You love.
I was not in good sense till God’s Rod chastise me!
I could not believe that I say this:
Indeed, His rod and staff reassure me!
Eventually, I turn around and get RENEWAL of STRENGTH from God, who redeem me!
This verse, I heard before.
Isaiah 40:31
but those who hope in (or wait on ) the Lord God will renew their strength,
Well, what else I can do then? When I was weak, lost and do not know how to change myself! —- Wait on God ! I did wait and continue to wait day after day!
At first, as a pastor told me if you can wait for doctor! Then you can wait for God!
What is wait? Just wait !
What else I can did when all things already crumble to ruin!
I obey ! I wait.
It seems not making sense by waiting you can change anything about yourself ?
I just obey, even it does not make sense, and just wait on God.
I continue from three hours every day, continue to do steadfastly from day to day, week to week, month to month, year to year.
I come to understand more why wait on God?
While waiting, our mind try to make sense and want to run away and do others things that make life productive, efficient and worthwhile.
There are many distractions !!!
But I know too well, from my past experiences, I fail miserably !!!
I just need to forget that I was good enough to fix this WRETCHEDNESS by my own thinking, my own way, my understanding !
I just need God! I cannot run away from Him, because there are no place for me to go but Him alone.
I follow the counsel of the godly:
Seek the LORD and His strength; seek His presence continually! -Psalms 105:4
I seek God’s strength by waiting on Him.
Yes, again while waiting,
I come around to understand:
We know that our old self was CRUCIFIED with Him in order that the body of sin might be brought to nothing, so that we would no longer be enslaved to sin. -Romans 6:6
While waiting, my old self was CRUCIFIED.
How was it crucified?
My mind want to do other things in life than wait on God ; thinking it was a waste of time! When I obey God, and did not follow the intents of my mind; I CRUCIFIED MY OLD SELF.
My body want to do other things in life than wait on God ; like be elsewhere sulking watching or doing something I like; When I obey God, and did not follow the intents of my body; I CRUCIFIED MY OLD SELF.
Through this, I come around to gain God’s STRENGTH.
I easily can come to focus on Jesus.
It is true while waiting, I still have questions in my head not yet answered.
I come across to know Sister Basilea Schlink:
When she was in inner turmoil, she continuously pray this short prayer:
The Lord, my Shepherd guides me on the right paths for the sake of His own name. Amen
-Psalms 23:3
So, I follow the godly advice; I pray this prayer again and again from day to day.
In the past, I cannot pray, I did not have strength to pray; I was that miserable !!! How I became to a person I did not like!
Eventually , while waiting, I gain God’s strength to pray.
The prayer from apostle Paul tells to the church at Colossae, helps me to understand more about God’s strength.
being STRENGTHENED with all power, according to His glorious might, for all endurance and patience with joy; -Colossians 1:11
From this verse, I come to see that Power or being STRENGTHENED with all power —- that is from His Glorious might — it is for a PURPOSE that we may have endurance and patience with joy.
Wow!
The Holy Spirit ables to give STRENGTH from His glorious might to us,His people.
But it was and still is REVEALATION to me!!!
I came to understand God’s strength and power differently; I thought I can have SUPERHERO’s POWER when I have God’s strength and power; but it was not for that purpose that I thought it was.
But for a God’s given purpose — for us, to have us gained ENDURANCE AND PATIENCE WITH JOY.
This REVEALATION, has brought many more questions in my head about Endurance?Patience with Joy??
While waiting, I come to focus on the words that God has spoken in the Bible about WAITING!
This has brought me closer to God the Father.
My son, if you receive my words and treasure up my commandments with you, making your ear attentive to wisdom and inclining your heart to understanding; -Proverbs 2:1-2
While waiting on God, I gain God’s strength to put His words in my mind.
By receiving God’s words and treasure up what He says, I come to understand more what God say.
that according to the riches of His glory he may grant you to be STRENGTHENED with power through His Spirit in your inner being, -Ephesians 3:16
This comes from Apostle Paul’s prayer to the church at Ephesus, when the Apostle Paul prayed to our Loving Heavenly Father.
Apostle Paul prayed that God the Father may grant us to be STRENGTHENED with power through His Holy Spirit in our inner being,
I come to know that God the Father grant or give His STRENGTH through His HOLY SPIRIT.
I come to know that the Holy Spirit STRENGTHEN our inner being; so when He strengthen us, we know!!!
That is for me a DISCOVERY!!! Because I know not this before!!!
While waiting on God,
I gain God’s strength to meditate.
This Book of the Law ( of the Spirit) shall not depart from your mouth, but you shall meditate on it day and night, so that you may be careful to do according to all that is written in it. For then you will make your way prosperous, and then you will have good success. -Joshua 1:8
From this verse, I come to know more about meditation; that I should speak softly the Holy Scripture again and again; then on I can be careful to do all that is written in it.
I come to understand that by speaking out softly and drowning myself in the words from the Holy Spirit filled words - then the Holy Spirit can give me the STRENGTH to be careful to do all that is written in it.
By being careful - I find out there is possibly to be careless or not thoughtful to think or do things that are written for me (us) - so then I realize I need to MEDITATE to gain Holy Spirit’s help to do what is written for me to do.
Then on, with Holy Spirit’s Help, I can make my way prosperous;
This make me think what it is “my way prosperous through Holy Spirit “??
I meditate on God’s ways to see whether my ways reflect His ways and look to see how far my way has followed God’s way and had remain prosperous;
Surely, I sense that God must have the mean to make me see that!
Then on, with Holy Spirit’s Help, I can have a good success!?
Who does not want to have a good success eventually? I think everyone agree they want that.
But to achieve good success through Holy Spirit!? How does that happen in my life? Have I seen that? I contemplate again. How I do it to make it happen?
I couldn’t find straight answer.
Still, I don’t understand yet.
I just obey first to see how God fulfill what He says.
When I meditate, I sense God’s presence!
I must mean God know what I am doing, that is meditate His words day and night.
I believe eventually God fulfill what He says.
While waiting,
I come to ask different questions; this time, the question is how long I should wait to gain God’s strength that He intends to give to me?
Therefore, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us also lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely, and let us run with ENDURANCE the race that is set before us, -Hebrews 12:1
From this verse, I find the word ENDURANCE interesting!
It must take STRENGTH to endure !
But for a purpose for THE RACE.
From the above verse, I come to understand that I should learn to lay aside WEIGHT ( burden) or SIN !!!
From the verse, I come to be aware that I am surrounded by many witnesses from heavens - what I should do, that when I am seen by many witnesses - I was, and am and will be found to have the STRENGTH to lay aside WEIGHT and SIN !!!
From the endurance race, I come to understand how long I should wait - everyday - till the end of the race.
It come clearer to know that the purpose to be STRENGTHENED is to lay aside everyday WEIGHT and SIN for the race
Just as Jesus endure the cross, I should endure my cross. The STRENGTH to endure the Cross ; come to mean something to me.
What is God’s purpose, for me to find His strength and this renewal ?
I seek to find the answer.
may have STRENGTH to comprehend with all the saints what is the breadth and length and height and depth, -Ephesians 3:18
and to know the love of Christ that surpasses knowledge, that you may be filled with all the fullness of God. -Ephesians 3:19
Though this verse is long, I come to understand eventually from apostle Paul prayer to God the Father, that is, God the Father can give STRENGTH to comprehend the love of Christ.
This means it takes STRENGTH to know how strong and powerful it must be the LOVE of CHRIST toward us, who He has redeemed.
when, eventually, I realize that. I say wow!
How amazing!!!
So, every day, I wait on God! It is for me to gain STRENGTH to comprehend me about the love of Christ.
How I should not miss this !!!
Then, when I wait on God, I find more STRENGTH to comprehend the love of Christ.
GBU
