My wife cheated on me...

Jon Osterman · Sep 11, 2018

dysert said:
You don't know that it's *always* better for *all children* to grow up with divorced parents. You also don't know that their parents would given them a false representation of marriage (assuming they can heal the marriage). You also don't know that a possibly healed marriage would be dysfunctional. Iow, I think you're making sweeping generalizations that do a disservice to the OP who is apparently looking to his Christian family for bits of wisdom.

Did you read the original post? Of course, I can't know what is true and what is fabricated or exaggerated, but I think we should do the OP the curtesy of taking his story at face value. And in that case, this marriage is not saveable, at least not in a meaningful way that enriches the lives of both husband and wife.

DZoolander · Sep 11, 2018

Meh - I can't take the stance that he *NEEDS* to get a divorce. I think there's a lot of stuff that comes into play. The only scenario I can imagine that I'd advise that someone NEEDS to get a divorce is if the spouse is mentally or physically abusive to the kids/spouse.

...and while an affair can broach into the "mentally abusive" camp - I don't think it's that cut and dry. At least not with the variety of ways it could be handled.

For example, I have a seven year old daughter. I think that if my wife and I got a divorce it would be devastating to her. She would completely lack the ability/maturity to understand why it happened. It would deeply scar her, I think.

So, for me at least, what I would do would be contingent upon a bunch of different things. Provided it wasn't still going on, and if I (pragmatically) felt that there was a reasonable assurance it wouldn't happen again, I would be inclined to try and fix things to some degree or another that would prevent her from undergoing that. I would be completely honest with my wife about what I was doing there, so there weren't any misunderstandings, and she knew the lay of the land. In that scenario, I think that circumstances could be molded in such a way to shield my children from more harm.

But if I didn't feel that it was over, or felt that there was a reasonable chance it would happen again with someone else, etc...that would be another situation entirely. It would just be a matter of time before the kids found out. And living in a scenario where they know mom is cheating on dad (or dad is cheating on mom) is just as bad IMHO. Then all the effort I'm talking about above would be for naught.

As for the "dishonesty" she's showing (fibbing about who broke up with who, not being willing to tell who it is, etc) - I tend to be more "forgiving" in that respect...or at least acknowledging human nature. I don't tend to get bent out of shape over things that I expect to happen.

I don't think that people want to tell who the person they were cheating with is. Why does the partner want to know? So they can add further fuel to the fire by telling the other person's spouse? So more drama can ensue? I wouldn't want to know who it was. What I would want to know is "Am I going to cross this person's path?" If the answer to that is "yes", then you'd better do what you can to make sure that doesn't happen. Quit your job. Do whatever it takes to make sure they're out of your life. Because if you can't assure that - then yeah - I'm going to want to know so I can do what I can to keep them out of your life. How this goes is on you.

Fibbing about who broke up with who? Meh, people are prideful. I don't necessarily begrudge them that.

Dave-W · Sep 12, 2018

Jon Osterman said:
Once a cheater, always a cheater.

So you deny that God changes people.

Jon Osterman · Sep 12, 2018

Dave-W said:
So you deny that God changes people.

Sure he can, but a cheater will always be a cheater because they have cheated. They can be a reformed cheater of course, but it is quite clear from her lack of compromise that the OP's wife is not willing to reform. The cheater needs to want to change.

Dave-W · Sep 12, 2018

God. Can change hearts also.

CrushedMan · Sep 12, 2018

Thank you all for your thoughts, and your prayers. It is good to know that, even though I cannot tell my local church family about the affair without making matters worse, i can share and receive love and prayerful support through these forums.

It was and is hard, but we are moving forward...

My wife was initially cold and not sure about her feelings towards me anymore. That was hard to hear! But, I think it only natural for her to have felt that way... after all, she has been having an affair, and it is only natural for all of us to protect ourselves...

But, eventually, we both cried and she did ask for forgiveness. She agreed to go to a Christian counsellor to help us move forward...

Being in this situation, I can understand why some people would find it just too hard to continue in the relationship.

That is why God allows Christians to divorce unfaithful partners.

However, God does not deal with each of us in this manner. He doesn’t break contact with us when we sin against Him, and ALL of us have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God...

Instead, he has died in our place, paying the price of our sins, creating the opportunity for us to repent and be restored.

This is the harder path that I want to walk... to be Christ-like in the way that I react to my wife’s unfaithfulness.

I have been doing some reading about how to cope with affairs, and one point that was made was that it is not right to view the situation as victim and perpetrator. I have a share of the blame in our marriage failing. Unless I take that on board, we cannot deal with the underlying issues that led to my wife being unfaithful.

If you would like to pray for me, please pray that God would help me to work through the betrayal, hurt and anger, take away my anxiety and help me to deal with the vision of my wife being with another man.

Please pray that my wife and I would be able to continue to work through our problems anc never give up.

CrushedMan · Aug 19, 2020

It's nearly two year since this happened to me. I thought it might be helpful to give an update, to let you know how things turned-out and because I'm still coming to terms with it.

The short version:
- she re-started her affair with the man (another married man in our church) despite going to counselling with me
- we separated immediately
- the other man is trying to patch things-up with his wife
- a couple of months later, she met someone else who she has lived with for over a year now. (They are getting married next month)
- we went through mediation and agreed to split custody of our children 50/50 (alternate weeks)
- our divorce on the grounds of adultery came through in April this year
- when I moved-out of the house, lockdown happened, and our sale fell through, so I was left paying rent on my new flat AND the mortgage on the house. I've been struggling with debt as a result.

There's so much more detail I could add, so much pain I could share, but I won't. Suffice it to say that the past two years have been horrendous, and I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy (if I had one).

Today, we exchanged contracts on the sale of the family house and completion is next week. At that point, I will be completely free from debt (for the first time since I got married) and I will be able to start my new life.

I'm hoping that at some point in the future I might be able to look back and see some good that has come-out of all the pain, just like Joseph who said: "... you meant evil against me, but God meant it for good..." (Genesis 50:20). But I have no idea how.

Thank you for everyone who commented, and for the prayers that you offered on my behalf. God bless you all.

"Father God, I pray that you would bless those who are currently struggling in their marriages and prevent them from reaching their breaking-point. Give them timely support, encouragement and hope that there is a way forward. For those struggling through Separation and Divorce, I pray that you counsel them and bring them through their grief and sorrow.

I pray for all those who have additional stress this year because of covid-19, and I pray that the church would be able to help many suffering people at this time. Thank you for all the people who have supported me over the past two years, and help me to support others in turn during their time of need.

Thank you that you will yet 'wipe every tear from our eyes', and that there is 'a future and a hope' for all of those who you have called into your kingdom. May many others yet be added to your kingdom.

Thank you that you have indeed 'defeated the world' through the Lord Jesus' death and resurrection. and that you will yet 'wipe every tear from our eyes', and that there is 'a future and a hope' for all of those who you have called into your kingdom. May many others yet be added to your kingdom, and may you receive all the worship, praise and love that you deserve.

In Jesus' name I pray,

Amen"

mkgal1 · Aug 19, 2020

CrushedMan said:
Today, we exchanged contracts on the sale of the family house and completion is next week. At that point, I will be completely free from debt (for the first time since I got married) and I will be able to start my new life.

Rejoicing with you for this. Here's to looking forward to a new chapter.....unhindered by financial debt.

NerdGirl · Aug 22, 2020

CrushedMan said:
It's nearly two year since this happened to me. I thought it might be helpful to give an update, to let you know how things turned-out and because I'm still coming to terms with it.

The short version:
- she re-started her affair with the man (another married man in our church) despite going to counselling with me
- we separated immediately
- the other man is trying to patch things-up with his wife
- a couple of months later, she met someone else who she has lived with for over a year now. (They are getting married next month)
- we went through mediation and agreed to split custody of our children 50/50 (alternate weeks)
- our divorce on the grounds of adultery came through in April this year
- when I moved-out of the house, lockdown happened, and our sale fell through, so I was left paying rent on my new flat AND the mortgage on the house. I've been struggling with debt as a result.

There's so much more detail I could add, so much pain I could share, but I won't. Suffice it to say that the past two years have been horrendous, and I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy (if I had one).

Today, we exchanged contracts on the sale of the family house and completion is next week. At that point, I will be completely free from debt (for the first time since I got married) and I will be able to start my new life.

I'm hoping that at some point in the future I might be able to look back and see some good that has come-out of all the pain, just like Joseph who said: "... you meant evil against me, but God meant it for good..." (Genesis 50:20). But I have no idea how.

Thank you for everyone who commented, and for the prayers that you offered on my behalf. God bless you all.

"Father God, I pray that you would bless those who are currently struggling in their marriages and prevent them from reaching their breaking-point. Give them timely support, encouragement and hope that there is a way forward. For those struggling through Separation and Divorce, I pray that you counsel them and bring them through their grief and sorrow.

I pray for all those who have additional stress this year because of covid-19, and I pray that the church would be able to help many suffering people at this time. Thank you for all the people who have supported me over the past two years, and help me to support others in turn during their time of need.

Thank you that you will yet 'wipe every tear from our eyes', and that there is 'a future and a hope' for all of those who you have called into your kingdom. May many others yet be added to your kingdom.

Thank you that you have indeed 'defeated the world' through the Lord Jesus' death and resurrection. and that you will yet 'wipe every tear from our eyes', and that there is 'a future and a hope' for all of those who you have called into your kingdom. May many others yet be added to your kingdom, and may you receive all the worship, praise and love that you deserve.

In Jesus' name I pray,

Amen"

I'm so terribly sorry that it ended this way. However, we know that God is a God of hope, restoration, and faithful comfort. He will be with you and your children through everything if you stay close to Him and never stop praying over your children, and even their unfaithful mother. I am facing the possible end of my own marriage (though the circumstances are not as painful as yours) and I know the stress, sadness, feelings of disillusionment, disappointment, failure. We must battle those feelings with a constant feed of the Word, prayer, hymns, and uplifting truths.

Your story breaks my heart, but I know God is faithful, and 'where there is life, there is hope'. I would hug you if I could!

barefeetonholyground · Sep 8, 2020

The marriage is not salvageable unless you're willing to forgive and she chooses to repent. I see one of those things but not the other. You also need to talk to your pastor. Moving on is not just a you two talking it out thing. You need a third party like your pastor. I'm sorry that your wife may not be able to handle this but you both need a neutral party to work past l party to get through it.

CrushedMan · Feb 18, 2021

NerdGirl said:
I'm so terribly sorry that it ended this way. However, we know that God is a God of hope, restoration, and faithful comfort. He will be with you and your children through everything if you stay close to Him and never stop praying over your children, and even their unfaithful mother. I am facing the possible end of my own marriage (though the circumstances are not as painful as yours) and I know the stress, sadness, feelings of disillusionment, disappointment, failure. We must battle those feelings with a constant feed of the Word, prayer, hymns, and uplifting truths.

Your story breaks my heart, but I know God is faithful, and 'where there is life, there is hope'. I would hug you if I could!

Thanks for your kind words. Sorry for the long delay before replying. I don't check these forums much anymore. I'm sorry to hear that your own marriage is breaking down. I hope that things have improved since you wrote this comment.

I've been searching the Scriptures about marriage, divorce and remarriage recently. I've learned that, while Jesus' (arguably) allowed divorce and remarriage on the grounds of adultery (Matt 19:9), that God's heart has always been for a marriage to last. If my wife would have repented and sought proper reconciliation, I would have forgiven her and we might have been able to be reconciled. Marriage is a picture of our intimate relationship with God, and the Lord redeemed Israel even though he temporarily divorced her (for her unfaithfulness). He also wants us to show Christ-like grace in our marriage relationships.

I don't know what is happening in your own marriage, but I hope and pray that you can sort it out. Get as much help and support as you can. Your pastor, elders, a Christian Counsellor, YouTube clips, books... and the bible, of course. Pray and fast. Let me pray for you now:

"Lord, I bring NerdGirl before you now, and her marriage, and I pray that you would give her (and her spouse) all the help and support in whatever state their marriage is currently in. I pray that they would be surrounded by: loving friends and family; and godly, caring and wise brothers and sister in Christ. Counsel them, and give them strength in the days ahead, and show that you are our loving, heavenly Father. If the marriage can be saved, I pray that you would show them how, and help them to make the right decisions and take the right action. Your will be done. In Jesus' name, Amen"

Rescued One · Mar 21, 2021

Dave-W said:
So you deny that God changes people.

Why didn't God change the woman before she committed that dastardly sin?

Abide with me. · Mar 24, 2021

CrushedMan said:
It's nearly two year since this happened to me. I thought it might be helpful to give an update, to let you know how things turned-out and because I'm still coming to terms with it.

The short version:
- she re-started her affair with the man (another married man in our church) despite going to counselling with me
- we separated immediately
- the other man is trying to patch things-up with his wife
- a couple of months later, she met someone else who she has lived with for over a year now. (They are getting married next month)
- we went through mediation and agreed to split custody of our children 50/50 (alternate weeks)
- our divorce on the grounds of adultery came through in April this year
- when I moved-out of the house, lockdown happened, and our sale fell through, so I was left paying rent on my new flat AND the mortgage on the house. I've been struggling with debt as a result.

There's so much more detail I could add, so much pain I could share, but I won't. Suffice it to say that the past two years have been horrendous, and I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy (if I had one).

Today, we exchanged contracts on the sale of the family house and completion is next week. At that point, I will be completely free from debt (for the first time since I got married) and I will be able to start my new life.

I'm hoping that at some point in the future I might be able to look back and see some good that has come-out of all the pain, just like Joseph who said: "... you meant evil against me, but God meant it for good..." (Genesis 50:20). But I have no idea how.

Thank you for everyone who commented, and for the prayers that you offered on my behalf. God bless you all.

"Father God, I pray that you would bless those who are currently struggling in their marriages and prevent them from reaching their breaking-point. Give them timely support, encouragement and hope that there is a way forward. For those struggling through Separation and Divorce, I pray that you counsel them and bring them through their grief and sorrow.

I pray for all those who have additional stress this year because of covid-19, and I pray that the church would be able to help many suffering people at this time. Thank you for all the people who have supported me over the past two years, and help me to support others in turn during their time of need.

Thank you that you will yet 'wipe every tear from our eyes', and that there is 'a future and a hope' for all of those who you have called into your kingdom. May many others yet be added to your kingdom.

Thank you that you have indeed 'defeated the world' through the Lord Jesus' death and resurrection. and that you will yet 'wipe every tear from our eyes', and that there is 'a future and a hope' for all of those who you have called into your kingdom. May many others yet be added to your kingdom, and may you receive all the worship, praise and love that you deserve.

In Jesus' name I pray,

Amen"

Dear Crushed man,
I'm so sorry for everything you've been through, it sounds like the real test of Job! You kept your faith throughout though, and however badly your ex wife behaved you paid attention to the person God wanted you to be, that takes real strength of spirit, you can either muster all your will to be this person, or you can hand all your troubles over to God and let him do it for you, although that means accepting whatever outcome God has intended for you, sometimes you just have to pray for acceptance and put your trust in what was in God's plan for you.
I do hope you will give an update..God bless you, from one who has been through something similar and found a greater happiness waiting some way down the line.

Swan7 · Mar 25, 2021

First, I want to say that I am truly sorry to read all of this and that I have hope for you because you say you want to work on your marriage. Second is since that you have come to a Christian forum, I will give Biblical suggestions.

CrushedMan said:
Things have not been good between us for a few years now.

This is usually a sign of spiritual imbalance: Ecclesiastes 3:1-9
From what you have described in your post, it seems this is a season of unrest. You and your wife are as one in marriage, just as God is one with His people. If you read through the Old Testament, God does indeed discipline His house when evil is done in His sight. It could very well be God was using evil for your good hear to get your attention.

CrushedMan said:
My wife didn't really ask for forgiveness. She said that I am a good person and that I don't deserve it, but I am worried that she does not really want our marriage to work.

Just because she did not ask for forgiveness doesn't mean that she is not looking or desiring it. I came from that mentality; I did not feel worthy of forgiveness and I had a warped version of who God really was. Sometimes it's much easier to hide in the dark (Adam and Eve) than in the light, being exposed to everything. This tells me she is very ashamed of her actions.

CrushedMan said:
It has been a difficult 24 hours. I am trying to keep strong for the sake of our children. I do love my wife, I want to work things out. I do not believe that Christians should give-up on their marriages.

I agree with you and I am glad to see you love her despite what has transpired. Christ never gave up on us when He sacrificed Himself for our sake. However, Christ also did not waste His time with those that were unwilling to hear either. From what you have described I do not get the sense she is unwilling.

CrushedMan said:
I have said to her that she needs to come clean with me, if we are to be able to rebuild trust. I asked her about her affair, including how it happened, how frequently they met-up, and what his name is... Apparently, he is also married. He is older than her (in his fifties - we are in our early forties).

She won't tell me his name. I don't like that. She is protecting his identity rather than being open and honest with me.

Details. Sometimes this can really muck things up, especially if you are not prepared for the answers. However, I think it's important to know the why than the how.
Why do you ask about his name? What would you do if you had his name? Christ did not ask the woman at the well what her husbands names were since He already knew. Let that information be His to deal with. Praying for healing is much better than getting into all the details.

CrushedMan said:
I doubt I can tell our pastor. (He already knows we are having difficulties). She would probably leave me if I did that...

How do I salvage the situation?

Don't run to man so quickly. Run to God since He is the Light. Allow Him to guide you through all of this and rebuild your marriage with Him instead of concentrating on just the two of you. In marriage it's God, you and her.

Lastly, I do implore you two get together with God (if she still believes in Jesus Christ) and just give Him your cares and worries: 1 Peter 5:6-11 He understands your situation much better than any of us on this forum. Have courage in His Light.

My wife cheated on me...

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