Painful aftermath of my convictions

Strugglr said:

Hello everyone. I'm sorry for the long post but I feel the details are important.

I was raised in a christian home by faithful parents with strong values. For the past several years of being on my own I fell out of obeying God almost completely. I was living in deep personal sin and I can recall many times where I shunned the small voice in my head to stop sinning while I would commit them. Ironically, I never stopped attending church, paying tithes and applying my talents in church.

Almost 2 months ago, my parents called for a fast and reading of the book of Galatians. I never really seriously fasted so I decided I should at least try. I spent the week fasting at least 3-4 hours a day and made an effort to avoid sinning. Shortly after, I was googling Bible-related topics and stumbled upon Matthew 7:22 and though I'm pretty sure I have heard that verse several times before, reading it that night really got me worried. I cried to God asking that I will not be part of the group mentioned in that passage and I felt OK.

I then started to pray every morning/night and sought more knowledge in my faith. Somehow I stumbled upon a heavily-debated doctrine (I don't feel the doctrine is important at this point) and it made me mad/confused at God. I spent days crying and panicking desperately searching for comfort online. I was totally terrified of going to Hell and this new doctrine made it even worse. Everything I valued crumbled before the truth that they were of the world and led to destruction. I then asked myself "do you really love God?" and the answer was "No/I don't think so?". I realized that the faith I had probably died many years ago and I was just "going through the motions" of Christianity. I was severely depressed and was extremely paranoid about my actions and how the affected my salvation. The only thing keeping me going was (and still is to a degree) my immediate family who at this point were aware of my problem. (I am seeing a christian therapist weekly now).

I have a blessed life and have achieved a level of success but I have totally lost interest in pursuing things of this world. I have hit the pause button on pretty much everything that isn't directly related to God. There have been some brief points in the past couple weeks where I desired a material possession but my worldly life goals have died completely. I no longer see value in pursuing worldly goals like wealth and career success. My only goal now is to make heaven and be sure of my salvation. (is this selfish?)

The last 1.5 months have been a real struggle for me. I get up everyday because I do not want to disappoint my parents. I took a week long "break" from everything related to God in an attempt to repair my problem but the convictions returned in full force out of nowhere. I contemplate abandoning the faith almost everyday but I just can't. Something won't let me, yet, I can't achieve the saving faith and love for God that I see in others. I am trying to figure out if my obedience is out of fear or faith in Jesus. I am making an effort to find answers in His word but my laziness and impatience impedes my progress. I have no desire to share the gospel out of shame and the fact that I cannot confidently account for my own salvation. At times (like today) I feel like Esau, like a demon (mentioned in James) who acknowledges the existence of God and screams in fear of their eternal doom. My greatest fear is to be one who seeks eternal life but can't receive it because my heart is too hard.

I no longer see value in the world, yet my faith is so weak, I am struggling to claim the sacrifice of Jesus on the cross. I feel like I'm just existing. Every second of my day is a question of "why am I even here?". There have been moments in my life where I believed I witnessed God at work. There was even a prayer I prayed a couple days ago that was answered. My life has several testimonies but they have no effect on the way I feel now. I pray to God asking for deliverance from this and if God is putting me through "the furnace", I am grateful to Him for giving me another chance and working in my life. Part of me looks forward to the day this becomes a testimony.

Has anyone had an experience similar to this? What books in the Bible should I study to combat this? I am open to tough answers.

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One great antidote to worry and stress is to quit focusing on yourself. Look to Jesus, the author and finisher of your faith. You no longer count. God condemned you as a sinner by nature. He dealt with you by including you in the death of Christ on the cross. You died. So what can you do about anything? But the best news is that God also raised you up again with Christ, so that you are a new creation. Now Lord Jesus will live in your place, causing you to be all that you should be but cannot be. All you need to do is allow Him. He will not do it without your knowledge and consent.
I recommend Watchman Nee, "The Normal Christian Life" and "The Life That Wins." They will help enormously, if you take it seriously.

All I can say to you is that you have gone through much testing, yes, but now you must rest upon the fact that you are a child of God.
The whole fact that you have said that you have contemplated daily abandoning the faith but can't says to me two things

1/ this is Satan's tempting

2/ you are truly saved because no matter what you can't give up the faith because it is TRUE, and it is the Holy Spirit in you that is attesting this to you.

Don't over think things read the Bible, memorise some scripture that declares your place in Christ: ie

Galatians 2:20
I am crucified with Christ: nevertheless I live; yet not I, but Christ liveth in me: and the life which I now live in the flesh I live by faith of the Son of God, who loved me, and gave himself for me.

Ephesians would be helpful to read especially 6:10-18 which speaks of putting on the armour of God which we really need to do daily.
I hope this is some help at putting your mind at rest.
God bless you and give you His peace

Strugglr said:

Almost 2 months ago, my parents called for a fast and reading of the book of Galatians. I never really seriously fasted so I decided I should at least try. I spent the week fasting at least 3-4 hours a day and made an effort to avoid sinning.

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And that's good Strugglr. Keep in mind though too God's wanting us to stay out of sin is for OUR benefit. He's not trying to take away our fun. A life sanctified from sin is a life of PEACE.

I then started to pray every morning/night and sought more knowledge in my faith. Somehow I stumbled upon a heavily-debated doctrine (I don't feel the doctrine is important at this point) and it made me mad/confused at God.

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And I think I know that type of doctrines you're talking about. Always keep in mind such doctrines or philosophies of men which take away from the true, loving, kind, just character of God should be ejected out of our lives immediately. Seeing you haven't brought up exactly what those doctrines are we'll set it aside for now.

I then asked myself "do you really love God?" and the answer was "No/I don't think so?".

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If you truly understood the kind, loving gracious character of God I don't think you'd ever say that. Or let me put it this way.....I think you really do LOVE God but you just don't know it. I've seen a lot of people that way. Actually people in Jesus day many of them didn't think they truly loved God. When Jesus revealed the Father through himself John 14:9 they discovered something amazing....THEY LOVED GOD.

I have a blessed life and have achieved a level of success but I have totally lost interest in pursuing things of this world. I have hit the pause button on pretty much everything that isn't directly related to God.

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Um guess what. Good news! That's God working in your life.

My only goal now is to make heaven and be sure of my salvation. (is this selfish?)

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Nope. God would call that WISE. And Jesus encouraged people to STRIVE to enter into the narrow gate. Jesus told you to do that! So did Jesus tell us to do something selfish? Nope.

I contemplate abandoning the faith almost everyday but I just can't.

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So are you telling us you're in the same boat as the Apostle Peter?

Then said Jesus unto the twelve, Will ye also go away? Then Simon Peter answered him, Lord, to whom shall we go? thou hast the words of eternal life. John 6:67

So how about you just make the decision once and for all right now friend. Jesus is the ONLY one who has the words of eternal life so your days of contemplating anything like what you said above are OVER. Not just for a few weeks.....but FOREVER. Once you've made that decision in NO UNCERTAIN terms the torment of contemplating the other has lost it's force.

I am trying to figure out if my obedience is out of fear or faith in Jesus.

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It could be both and there's nothing wrong with that! Jesus WARNED people to be ready for his coming. Warned them. If it was wrong to be motivated by fear why would Jesus put some things in a warning form? But I believe you do love God as well and it's not just fear.

At times (like today) I feel like Esau, like a demon (mentioned in James) who acknowledges the existence of God and screams in fear of their eternal doom. My greatest fear is to be one who seeks eternal life but can't receive it because my heart is too hard.

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I'd like to talk to you about this when I've got time BUT Esau wasn't lamenting about loosing salvation. He was lamenting about not receiving the linage of blessing that went to the firstborn. And when people tell me about being too hard to receive God's grace I sometimes wonder if they got that idea from books like Pilgrims Progress....The man in the Iron Cage. I like the book PP but that one aspect of it I don't believe is scriptural.

Has anyone had an experience similar to this? What books in the Bible should I study to combat this? I am open to tough answers.

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Not any one book in particular but rather doing a lot of meditation and study on just what the character and nature of God is like. Do you see him as a loving Father? Do you really see Jesus as loving family member of yours, for remember we are the family of God and Jesus is the head. I know some resist calling Jesus FRIEND thinking we should always emphasize his Lord status BUT.....HE IS a friend who wants to stick closer to us then a brother.

Sorry to hear of your struggles. Usually we have ourselves to blame when the burden is too heavy, yet it can be a difficult climb. You and your family seem very performance based. You might try a book called Sit, Walk and Stand by watchmen nee. Very simple yet profound. Here is the first part that is free. https://www.clcpublications.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/11/Sit-Walk-Stand-Sample.pdf I think you also need to come to the realization that even if there was no heaven or hell, if you followed God's plan your life would be far better here on this earth. I'm older and it took the school of hard knocks for me to really figure that out. Those prayers in Ephesians where Paul prays for the saints to know the love of God would be great as well. God bless

Strugglr said:

Hello everyone. I'm sorry for the long post but I feel the details are important.

I was raised in a christian home by faithful parents with strong values. For the past several years of being on my own I fell out of obeying God almost completely. I was living in deep personal sin and I can recall many times where I shunned the small voice in my head to stop sinning while I would commit them. Ironically, I never stopped attending church, paying tithes and applying my talents in church.

Almost 2 months ago, my parents called for a fast and reading of the book of Galatians. I never really seriously fasted so I decided I should at least try. I spent the week fasting at least 3-4 hours a day and made an effort to avoid sinning. Shortly after, I was googling Bible-related topics and stumbled upon Matthew 7:22 and though I'm pretty sure I have heard that verse several times before, reading it that night really got me worried. I cried to God asking that I will not be part of the group mentioned in that passage and I felt OK.

I then started to pray every morning/night and sought more knowledge in my faith. Somehow I stumbled upon a heavily-debated doctrine (I don't feel the doctrine is important at this point) and it made me mad/confused at God. I spent days crying and panicking desperately searching for comfort online. I was totally terrified of going to Hell and this new doctrine made it even worse. Everything I valued crumbled before the truth that they were of the world and led to destruction. I then asked myself "do you really love God?" and the answer was "No/I don't think so?". I realized that the faith I had probably died many years ago and I was just "going through the motions" of Christianity. I was severely depressed and was extremely paranoid about my actions and how the affected my salvation. The only thing keeping me going was (and still is to a degree) my immediate family who at this point were aware of my problem. (I am seeing a christian therapist weekly now).

I have a blessed life and have achieved a level of success but I have totally lost interest in pursuing things of this world. I have hit the pause button on pretty much everything that isn't directly related to God. There have been some brief points in the past couple weeks where I desired a material possession but my worldly life goals have died completely. I no longer see value in pursuing worldly goals like wealth and career success. My only goal now is to make heaven and be sure of my salvation. (is this selfish?)

The last 1.5 months have been a real struggle for me. I get up everyday because I do not want to disappoint my parents. I took a week long "break" from everything related to God in an attempt to repair my problem but the convictions returned in full force out of nowhere. I contemplate abandoning the faith almost everyday but I just can't. Something won't let me, yet, I can't achieve the saving faith and love for God that I see in others. I am trying to figure out if my obedience is out of fear or faith in Jesus. I am making an effort to find answers in His word but my laziness and impatience impedes my progress. I have no desire to share the gospel out of shame and the fact that I cannot confidently account for my own salvation. At times (like today) I feel like Esau, like a demon (mentioned in James) who acknowledges the existence of God and screams in fear of their eternal doom. My greatest fear is to be one who seeks eternal life but can't receive it because my heart is too hard.

I no longer see value in the world, yet my faith is so weak, I am struggling to claim the sacrifice of Jesus on the cross. I feel like I'm just existing. Every second of my day is a question of "why am I even here?". There have been moments in my life where I believed I witnessed God at work. There was even a prayer I prayed a couple days ago that was answered. My life has several testimonies but they have no effect on the way I feel now. I pray to God asking for deliverance from this and if God is putting me through "the furnace", I am grateful to Him for giving me another chance and working in my life. Part of me looks forward to the day this becomes a testimony.

Has anyone had an experience similar to this? What books in the Bible should I study to combat this? I am open to tough answers.

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Hi brother,
Let me share how the Lord heal my heart. May you find your way back to the Lord, your heart be healed, and your eye see and your ear hear what the Lord have said.


Why meditate on birthright?
It show God’s love.

“I have loved you," says the LORD. But you say, "How have you loved us?" "Is not Esau Jacob's brother?" declares the LORD. "Yet I have loved Jacob but Esau I have hated.

We are are warned not to fail to see this!!!
It is written:
See to it that no one fails to obtain the grace of God.-Hebrew 12:1

Consider what is written in bold:
Romans 9:7
Nor because they are his descendants are they all Abraham's children. On the contrary, “It is through Isaac that your offspring will be reckoned ( considered).”

Romans 9:11
Yet, before the twins were born or had done anything good or bad–in order that God's purpose in election might stand:

Romans 9:12
not by works but by Him who calls–she was told, “The older will serve the younger.”

Yes, by Christ Jesus who calls are Abraham’s children.

Remember Jesus calls in grace and truth

How one could fail ?
It is further eloborated:
that no "root of bitterness" springs up and causes trouble, and by it many become defiled;
that no one is sexually immoral or unholy like Esau, who sold his birthright for a single meal.
For you know that afterward, when he desired to inherit THE BLESSING, he was rejected, for he found no chance to repent, though he sought it with tears.-Hebrew 12:15-17

Well, that is Esau not me? I was used to think this way, too. But it pains my heart when I read this:

And you were dead in the trespasses and sins in which you once walked, following the course of this world, following the prince of the power of the air, the spirit that is now at work in the SONS of DISOBEDIENCE— among whom we all once lived in the passions of our flesh, carrying out the desires of the body and the mind, and were by nature CHILDREN of WRATH, like the rest of mankind. -Ephesians 2:1-3

I was also reminded when David teaches us about the fear of God:

Come, O children, listen to me; I will teach you the fear of the LORD. 12 What man is there who desires life and loves many days, that he may see good? 13 Keep your tongue from evil and your lips from speaking deceit. 14 TURN AWAY FROM EVIL and do good; seek peace and pursue it. -Psalm 34:11-14

I knew then that I have not turned away from evil.

I do desire life and love many days that I may see good, but I also knew the reality about the passions of the flesh, carrying out the desires of the body and mind
— what I had I done!
— I sinned and under the power of the enemy (the prince of the power of the air).
— I could miss the blessings, just like Esau.
I was totally broken; I had no strength in me ; I was spiritually oppressed by the devil. I was afraid that I will be spiritually possessed!!!

I knew I need God ; but it seem God is far away ; I was far away from His presence. I knew I need to repent, but how? I could backslide time to time again; the enemy lying in wait for me.

A pastor told me to practice the presence of God every day. He told me if you wait for your doctor, you can wait for God. Just wait!!!he told me through his sermon.

but they who wait for the LORD shall renew their strength. -Isaiah 40:31

At that time, I was broken; I had no strength; I do not know how to pray.

After I wait on the Lord, day after day ; I knew I need to learn to pray..

I learn from Apostle Paul to pray; this is what he prays

9 And so, from the day we heard, we have not ceased to pray for you, asking that you may be filled with the knowledge of His will in all spiritual wisdom and understanding, 10 so as to walk in a manner worthy of the Lord, fully pleasing to Him: bearing fruit in every good work and increasing in the knowledge of God; 11 BEING STRENGTHENED WITH ALL POWER
, ACCORDING TO HIS GLORIOUS MIGHT, for all endurance and patience with joy; 12 giving thanks to the Father, who has qualified you to share in the inheritance of the saints in light.-Colossians 1:9-12

As I repeat this prayer and meditate this prayer time and time again.

Another prayer, I discover as I search for God’s strength :

14 For this reason I bow my knees before the Father, 15 from whom every family in heaven and on earth is named, 16 that according to the riches of his glory he may grant you to be STRENGTHENED WITH POWER through HIS SPIRIT in YOUR INNER BEING, 17 so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith—that you, being rooted and grounded in love, 18 may have STRENGTH to comprehend with all the saints what is the breadth and length and height and depth, 19 and to know the love of Christ that surpasses knowledge, that you may be filled with all the fullness of God. -Ephesians 3:14-19

I begin to see God’s strength in new light!

Why I was spiritually blind that I cannot see before?
Eventually, I find the answer:
For those who live according to the flesh set their minds on the things of the flesh, but those who live according to the Spirit set their minds on the things of the Spirit. 6 For to set the mind on the flesh is death, but to set the mind on the Spirit is life and peace. -Roman 8:5-6

Why I was spiritually deaf that I cannot hear before?

As it is said, "Today, if you hear his voice, do not harden your hearts as in the rebellion." -Hebrew 3:15

I knew I have to repent ; my heart has hardened; I knew I need to do something about it.
I knew then I need help !
This is what Jesus says to help me:

Nevertheless, I tell you the truth: it is to your advantage that I go away, for if I do not go away, the Helper will not come to you. But if I go, I will send Him to you. -John 16:7

I need His Holy Spirit.
The answer does not come instantly, but as I continue to seek His Holy Spirit for help.

I know Jesus is my Shepherd and now He send His Holy Spirit to Shepherd me.

Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; Your ROD and Your STAFF, they comfort me. -Psalm 23:4

When I see the word”ROD”, I knew then in my brokenness, in my disobedience, in my rebellion — He punishes me according to what I had done - I sinned. I was broken.
I know there is still there is His staff to guide me.

It is also mentioned to David’s descendants:
If his children forsake my law and do not walk according to my rules, 31 if they violate my statutes and do not keep my commandments, 32 then I will punish their transgression with the ROD and their iniquity with stripes, 33 but I will not remove from him My steadfast love or be false to My faithfulness. -Psalm 89:30-33

I am glad that the Lord, Holy Spirit will not remove from me His steadfast love or be false to His faithfulness.

After I repent, I begin to understand more, it is written:
But when anything is exposed by the light, it becomes visible, for anything that becomes visible is light.

Therefore it says, "Awake, O sleeper, and arise from the dead, and Christ will shine on you." -Ephesians 5:13-14

I begin to see the light that all this time in my disobedience, I was sleep and I do not hear.

Yes, I was spiritually dead because of my unbelief and rebellious nature.

Now I know Christ shines on me, because His Word of truth set me free from the bondage of sin and the enemy, and I begin to see that I need to daily come to His Holy Spirit in repentance and contrition, and pray to His Holy Spirit that His grace and truth preserve me.

Eventually, I learn why I was not aligned with God before. This I discover:

For the mind that is set on the old nature is hostile to God, for it does not submit to God's law of the Spirit; indeed, it cannot.-Roman 8:7

I begin to learn this amazing truth in my daily walk in repentance and contrition:

For the law of the Spirit of life, which produces this life in union with Christ Jesus, has set you free in Christ Jesus from the law of sin and death.-Roman 8:2

Just apostle Paul encourages Timothy, this also encourages me:
But as for you, continue in what you have learned and have become convinced of, because you know those from whom you learned it, and how from INFANCY you have known the Holy Scriptures, which are able to make you wise for salvation through faith in Christ Jesus.
~ 2 Timothy 3:14-15

I am blessed to see and obtain the grace of God through faith in Christ Jesus.

We are blessed what our Lord has done for us:
For our sake God the Father made Christ Jesus to be sin offering who knew no sin, so that in Christ Jesus we might become the righteousness of God.-2 Corinthians 5:21

In another verses explain:
God presented Him as a sacrifice of atonement, through faith in His blood. He did this to demonstrate His justice, because in His forbearance he had left the sins committed beforehand unpunished–

he did it to demonstrate His justice at the present time, so as to be just and the one who justifies those who have faith in Jesus.-Roman 3:25-26

Why this importance : caused to be righteous?

However, if Christ is in you, then, on the one hand, the body is dead because of sin; but on the other hand, the Spirit is giving life because God consider you righteous.

And if the Spirit of the One who raised Jesus Christ from the dead is living in you, then the One ( God the Father) who raised Jesus Christ from the dead will also give life to your mortal bodies through His Spirit living in you. -Roman 8:10-11

Where this lead is:
For all who are led by the Spirit of God are sons of God. -Romans 8:14

For you did not receive the spirit of slavery to fall back into fear, but you have received the Spirit of adoption as sons, by whom we cry, "Abba! Father!" 16 THE SPIRIT HIMSELF BEARS WITNESS WITH OUR SPIRIT that we are CHILDREN of GOD, 17 and if children, then heirs—heirs of God and fellow heirs with Christ, provided we suffer with him in order that we may also be glorified with him.-Roman 8:15-16

This is the Inheritance of the Birthright:
Then the King will say to those on his right, 'Come, you who are blessed by my Father, inherit the kingdom prepared for you from the foundation of the world. -Matthew 25:34

Hallelujah hallelujah hallelujah
Beloved King, thank Your amazing love.
Hallelujah hallelujah hallelujah
Amen

Strugglr said:

Hello everyone. I'm sorry for the long post but I feel the details are important.

I was raised in a christian home by faithful parents with strong values. For the past several years of being on my own I fell out of obeying God almost completely. I was living in deep personal sin and I can recall many times where I shunned the small voice in my head to stop sinning while I would commit them. Ironically, I never stopped attending church, paying tithes and applying my talents in church.

Almost 2 months ago, my parents called for a fast and reading of the book of Galatians. I never really seriously fasted so I decided I should at least try. I spent the week fasting at least 3-4 hours a day and made an effort to avoid sinning. Shortly after, I was googling Bible-related topics and stumbled upon Matthew 7:22 and though I'm pretty sure I have heard that verse several times before, reading it that night really got me worried. I cried to God asking that I will not be part of the
group mentioned in that passage and I felt OK.

I then started to pray every morning/night and sought more knowledge in my faith. Somehow I stumbled upon a heavily-debated doctrine (I don't feel the doctrine is important at this point) and it made me mad/confused at God. I spent days crying and panicking desperately searching for comfort online. I was totally terrified of going to Hell and this new doctrine made it even worse. Everything I valued crumbled before the truth that they were of the world and led to destruction. I then asked myself "do you really love God?" and the answer was "No/I don't think so?". I realized that the faith I had probably died many years ago and I was just "going through the motions" of Christianity. I was severely depressed and was extremely paranoid about my actions and how the affected my salvation. The only thing keeping me going was (and still is to a degree) my immediate family who at this point were aware of my problem. (I am seeing a christian therapist weekly now).

I have a blessed life and have achieved a level of success but I have totally lost interest in pursuing things of this world. I have hit the pause button on pretty much everything that isn't directly related to God. There have been some brief points in the past couple weeks where I desired a material possession but my worldly life goals have died completely. I no longer see value in pursuing worldly goals like wealth and career success. My only goal now is to make heaven and be sure of my salvation. (is this selfish?)

The last 1.5 months have been a real struggle for me. I get up everyday because I do not want to disappoint my parents. I took a week long "break" from everything related to God in an attempt to repair my problem but the convictions returned in full force out of nowhere. I contemplate abandoning the faith almost everyday but I just can't. Something won't let me, yet, I can't achieve the saving faith and love for God that I see in others. I am trying to figure out if my obedience is out of fear or faith in Jesus. I am making an effort to find answers in His word but my laziness and impatience impedes my progress. I have no desire to share the gospel out of shame and the fact that I cannot confidently account for my own salvation. At times (like today) I feel like Esau, like a demon (mentioned in James) who acknowledges the existence of God and screams in fear of their eternal doom. My greatest fear is to be one who seeks eternal life but can't receive it because my heart is too hard.

I no longer see value in the world, yet my faith is so weak, I am struggling to claim the sacrifice of Jesus on the cross. I feel like I'm just existing. Every second of my day is a question of "why am I even here?". There have been moments in my life where I believed I witnessed God at work. There was even a prayer I prayed a couple days ago that was answered. My life has several testimonies but they have no effect on the way I feel now. I pray to God asking for deliverance from this and if God is putting me through "the furnace", I am grateful to Him for giving me another chance and working in my life. Part of me looks forward to the day this becomes a testimony.

Has anyone had an experience similar to this? What books in the Bible should I study to combat this? I am open to tough answers.

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Jesus said"Peace be with you." So stop,take a breath and trust in Jesus. Don't you know that Satan is the great accuser. The more you want to get closer to God, the more he will try to mess you up. Especially, since he had you in his grips for awhile. Pray constantly, rejoice always and give thanks in all circumstances.*1 Thess 5:16). Continue to pray and fast and read the Bible. I was away from good for a couple of years and committed some terrible sins. It took time,years, to get back to a place of love of God. It was fear that brought me back at first. Now it is love of God. He continues to change me and mold me. If you even have the desire to Love God,He will not quench that desire. He loves you. Keep the faith and keep up the struggle. I will pray for you.

Strugglr said:

Hello everyone. I'm sorry for the long post but I feel the details are important.

I was raised in a christian home by faithful parents with strong values. For the past several years of being on my own I fell out of obeying God almost completely. I was living in deep personal sin and I can recall many times where I shunned the small voice in my head to stop sinning while I would commit them. Ironically, I never stopped attending church, paying tithes and applying my talents in church.

Almost 2 months ago, my parents called for a fast and reading of the book of Galatians. I never really seriously fasted so I decided I should at least try. I spent the week fasting at least 3-4 hours a day and made an effort to avoid sinning. Shortly after, I was googling Bible-related topics and stumbled upon Matthew 7:22 and though I'm pretty sure I have heard that verse several times before, reading it that night really got me worried. I cried to God asking that I will not be part of the group mentioned in that passage and I felt OK.

I then started to pray every morning/night and sought more knowledge in my faith. Somehow I stumbled upon a heavily-debated doctrine (I don't feel the doctrine is important at this point) and it made me mad/confused at God. I spent days crying and panicking desperately searching for comfort online. I was totally terrified of going to Hell and this new doctrine made it even worse. Everything I valued crumbled before the truth that they were of the world and led to destruction. I then asked myself "do you really love God?" and the answer was "No/I don't think so?". I realized that the faith I had probably died many years ago and I was just "going through the motions" of Christianity. I was severely depressed and was extremely paranoid about my actions and how the affected my salvation. The only thing keeping me going was (and still is to a degree) my immediate family who at this point were aware of my problem. (I am seeing a christian therapist weekly now).

I have a blessed life and have achieved a level of success but I have totally lost interest in pursuing things of this world. I have hit the pause button on pretty much everything that isn't directly related to God. There have been some brief points in the past couple weeks where I desired a material possession but my worldly life goals have died completely. I no longer see value in pursuing worldly goals like wealth and career success. My only goal now is to make heaven and be sure of my salvation. (is this selfish?)

The last 1.5 months have been a real struggle for me. I get up everyday because I do not want to disappoint my parents. I took a week long "break" from everything related to God in an attempt to repair my problem but the convictions returned in full force out of nowhere. I contemplate abandoning the faith almost everyday but I just can't. Something won't let me, yet, I can't achieve the saving faith and love for God that I see in others. I am trying to figure out if my obedience is out of fear or faith in Jesus. I am making an effort to find answers in His word but my laziness and impatience impedes my progress. I have no desire to share the gospel out of shame and the fact that I cannot confidently account for my own salvation. At times (like today) I feel like Esau, like a demon (mentioned in James) who acknowledges the existence of God and screams in fear of their eternal doom. My greatest fear is to be one who seeks eternal life but can't receive it because my heart is too hard.

I no longer see value in the world, yet my faith is so weak, I am struggling to claim the sacrifice of Jesus on the cross. I feel like I'm just existing. Every second of my day is a question of "why am I even here?". There have been moments in my life where I believed I witnessed God at work. There was even a prayer I prayed a couple days ago that was answered. My life has several testimonies but they have no effect on the way I feel now. I pray to God asking for deliverance from this and if God is putting me through "the furnace", I am grateful to Him for giving me another chance and working in my life. Part of me looks forward to the day this becomes a testimony.

Has anyone had an experience similar to this? What books in the Bible should I study to combat this? I am open to tough answers.

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There are a few things to consider, the first is that the cross and forgiveness is available to you while you seek it. It is a life given for a life time of failures.

Heb 9:27-28 And as it is appointed unto men once to die, but after this the judgment: So Christ was once offered to bear the sins of many;

The cross is not based upon our own works, but rather, we have faith that we are forgiven, and the Holy Spirit (who abides in you) works through us to perfect good deeds in us.

Gal 5:4-6 Christ is become of no effect unto you, whosoever of you are justified by the law; ye are fallen from grace. For we through the Spirit wait for the hope of righteousness by faith. For in Jesus Christ neither circumcision availeth any thing, nor uncircumcision; but faith which worketh by love.

Our part to play, is to abide in Jesus and his teachings.

Joh 15:5 I am the vine, ye are the branches: He that abideth in me, and I in him, the same bringeth forth much fruit: for without me ye can do nothing.

Mat 26:41 Watch and pray, that ye enter not into temptation: the spirit indeed is willing, but the flesh is weak.

We are saved by the cross, but we increase in righteousness as we abide in Jesus. The Holy Spirit, gives us a willingness, and a desire to do God's will.