Hello everyone. I'm sorry for the long post but I feel the details are important.
I was raised in a christian home by faithful parents with strong values. For the past several years of being on my own I fell out of obeying God almost completely. I was living in deep personal sin and I can recall many times where I shunned the small voice in my head to stop sinning while I would commit them. Ironically, I never stopped attending church, paying tithes and applying my talents in church.
Almost 2 months ago, my parents called for a fast and reading of the book of Galatians. I never really seriously fasted so I decided I should at least try. I spent the week fasting at least 3-4 hours a day and made an effort to avoid sinning. Shortly after, I was googling Bible-related topics and stumbled upon Matthew 7:22 and though I'm pretty sure I have heard that verse several times before, reading it that night really got me worried. I cried to God asking that I will not be part of the group mentioned in that passage and I felt OK.
I then started to pray every morning/night and sought more knowledge in my faith. Somehow I stumbled upon a heavily-debated doctrine (I don't feel the doctrine is important at this point) and it made me mad/confused at God. I spent days crying and panicking desperately searching for comfort online. I was totally terrified of going to Hell and this new doctrine made it even worse. Everything I valued crumbled before the truth that they were of the world and led to destruction. I then asked myself "do you really love God?" and the answer was "No/I don't think so?". I realized that the faith I had probably died many years ago and I was just "going through the motions" of Christianity. I was severely depressed and was extremely paranoid about my actions and how the affected my salvation. The only thing keeping me going was (and still is to a degree) my immediate family who at this point were aware of my problem. (I am seeing a christian therapist weekly now).
I have a blessed life and have achieved a level of success but I have totally lost interest in pursuing things of this world. I have hit the pause button on pretty much everything that isn't directly related to God. There have been some brief points in the past couple weeks where I desired a material possession but my worldly life goals have died completely. I no longer see value in pursuing worldly goals like wealth and career success. My only goal now is to make heaven and be sure of my salvation. (is this selfish?)
The last 1.5 months have been a real struggle for me. I get up everyday because I do not want to disappoint my parents. I took a week long "break" from everything related to God in an attempt to repair my problem but the convictions returned in full force out of nowhere. I contemplate abandoning the faith almost everyday but I just can't. Something won't let me, yet, I can't achieve the saving faith and love for God that I see in others. I am trying to figure out if my obedience is out of fear or faith in Jesus. I am making an effort to find answers in His word but my laziness and impatience impedes my progress. I have no desire to share the gospel out of shame and the fact that I cannot confidently account for my own salvation. At times (like today) I feel like Esau, like a demon (mentioned in James) who acknowledges the existence of God and screams in fear of their eternal doom. My greatest fear is to be one who seeks eternal life but can't receive it because my heart is too hard.
I no longer see value in the world, yet my faith is so weak, I am struggling to claim the sacrifice of Jesus on the cross. I feel like I'm just existing. Every second of my day is a question of "why am I even here?". There have been moments in my life where I believed I witnessed God at work. There was even a prayer I prayed a couple days ago that was answered. My life has several testimonies but they have no effect on the way I feel now. I pray to God asking for deliverance from this and if God is putting me through "the furnace", I am grateful to Him for giving me another chance and working in my life. Part of me looks forward to the day this becomes a testimony.
Has anyone had an experience similar to this? What books in the Bible should I study to combat this? I am open to tough answers.
I was raised in a christian home by faithful parents with strong values. For the past several years of being on my own I fell out of obeying God almost completely. I was living in deep personal sin and I can recall many times where I shunned the small voice in my head to stop sinning while I would commit them. Ironically, I never stopped attending church, paying tithes and applying my talents in church.
Almost 2 months ago, my parents called for a fast and reading of the book of Galatians. I never really seriously fasted so I decided I should at least try. I spent the week fasting at least 3-4 hours a day and made an effort to avoid sinning. Shortly after, I was googling Bible-related topics and stumbled upon Matthew 7:22 and though I'm pretty sure I have heard that verse several times before, reading it that night really got me worried. I cried to God asking that I will not be part of the group mentioned in that passage and I felt OK.
I then started to pray every morning/night and sought more knowledge in my faith. Somehow I stumbled upon a heavily-debated doctrine (I don't feel the doctrine is important at this point) and it made me mad/confused at God. I spent days crying and panicking desperately searching for comfort online. I was totally terrified of going to Hell and this new doctrine made it even worse. Everything I valued crumbled before the truth that they were of the world and led to destruction. I then asked myself "do you really love God?" and the answer was "No/I don't think so?". I realized that the faith I had probably died many years ago and I was just "going through the motions" of Christianity. I was severely depressed and was extremely paranoid about my actions and how the affected my salvation. The only thing keeping me going was (and still is to a degree) my immediate family who at this point were aware of my problem. (I am seeing a christian therapist weekly now).
I have a blessed life and have achieved a level of success but I have totally lost interest in pursuing things of this world. I have hit the pause button on pretty much everything that isn't directly related to God. There have been some brief points in the past couple weeks where I desired a material possession but my worldly life goals have died completely. I no longer see value in pursuing worldly goals like wealth and career success. My only goal now is to make heaven and be sure of my salvation. (is this selfish?)
The last 1.5 months have been a real struggle for me. I get up everyday because I do not want to disappoint my parents. I took a week long "break" from everything related to God in an attempt to repair my problem but the convictions returned in full force out of nowhere. I contemplate abandoning the faith almost everyday but I just can't. Something won't let me, yet, I can't achieve the saving faith and love for God that I see in others. I am trying to figure out if my obedience is out of fear or faith in Jesus. I am making an effort to find answers in His word but my laziness and impatience impedes my progress. I have no desire to share the gospel out of shame and the fact that I cannot confidently account for my own salvation. At times (like today) I feel like Esau, like a demon (mentioned in James) who acknowledges the existence of God and screams in fear of their eternal doom. My greatest fear is to be one who seeks eternal life but can't receive it because my heart is too hard.
I no longer see value in the world, yet my faith is so weak, I am struggling to claim the sacrifice of Jesus on the cross. I feel like I'm just existing. Every second of my day is a question of "why am I even here?". There have been moments in my life where I believed I witnessed God at work. There was even a prayer I prayed a couple days ago that was answered. My life has several testimonies but they have no effect on the way I feel now. I pray to God asking for deliverance from this and if God is putting me through "the furnace", I am grateful to Him for giving me another chance and working in my life. Part of me looks forward to the day this becomes a testimony.
Has anyone had an experience similar to this? What books in the Bible should I study to combat this? I am open to tough answers.