Give "Bad" Advice (3)

You can duct-tape her mouth. I mean, tears can still leak out of her eyes, but admit it- it's the noise that's the annoying part.

What gift should I give to my friend's Pekinese dog? She's having a birthday party for it at the Ritz-Carlton.

Get her cat food laced with cyanide and a few Ritz crackers with cheese

My mother in laws birthday is soon. She seems to have gained a little weight since i last seen her. What would be a good gift?

How can you have a mother in law if your're single? Just asking... Get her a Playtex 24 hour girdle, and some lettuce.

My new puppy keeps biting my toes... How can I stop him chipping my nail varnish?

A good Tabasco sauce dip for your toes is the lick, so to speak.

People keep asking for advice, and I'm not really feeling it. Help me care.

Suspend a sharp object above your head on a thin wire.

How can I get out of work today?

Tell your boss that you don't feel like working today.

How can I make friends?

Run out of the building right now, in a chaotic frenetic manner, while screaming to high heaven: "Please be my friend!"

How can I get people to stop wasting time.

I'm thinking you should just quit paying attention. Time flies when you're not paying attention. That won't make those shirkers quit wasting time, but time will fly. How long are you going to cry about it?

How can I make things less simple?

Express everything in iambic pentameter.

How can I get a good nanny?

Tell them the job comes with Gucci earplugs!

Where oh where has my little dog gone? Where oh where can it be?

Watch 101 Dalmatians. Best emulate a distressing bark, and so try and get all the neighbourhood dogs to find him for you.

How can I forget all this useless lore I pick up from the movies?

Violent head trauma

How can I stop getting burnt by oil splatter when I fry chicken?

One of these oughta do the trick:



How do I make sure I don't catch the corona virus?

Just gag your mouth and stop up your nostrils with feminine hygiene products.

I am driving along a narrow road, and someone has parked next to the sidewalk, essentially leaving just enough space for a single car. Another driver is approaching from the otherside, resulting in a madcap game of chicken trying to force the other to concede the road. How do I make sure I win?

This is your chance to start a game of demolition derby! Good luck!

How can I liven up my moderator job?

We’ll all try to increase our swearing and I’ll bring up some Calvinism debates here in the rec room. Would that help?

I lost the operating instructions for the coffee maker. Do you know how it works?

The coffee maker is really easy to understand. He studied something which is not immediately bankable, like literature or arts, and lacks entrepreneurial spirit outside of that. So he makes up for it, by indulging in thick jargon and arcane terminology, while indulging in his love of the exotic and philological nomenclature; by forcing the customer to have to decide to buy a mocca-frappe Javachino with wings and on rails with basilisk eggs or so. Look beyond his hipster facade, and you know how the coffee maker works. In spite of our superficial differences, he too is our brother.

How can I get there on time?

First, don't think in terms of chronos. Kairos is where it's at. All you need is an opportune moment. What could be more opportune than your arrival? See, you get there on (kairos) time.

How do I get my priorities in order?

PM Face with your mailing address so he can ship you the following book..

Ordering Your Private World book by Gordon MacDonald

Hmm, what kind of delightful torment should we come up with for those who fail to ask for some sage advice?