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Marriage Troubles

Anthony_L

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Hi All. New to this and hoping to get some guidance and assistance with my issues. I feel like I'm to blame for my mental struggles however my marriage isn't helping. Im 28 and my wife is 29

So I got married at the end of 2018, and while we were waiting for the house paperwork to go through we lived with my mum. During this time the realtor allowed us to do maintenance and start moving things into our home. During this time I wanted to do things at home. Clean, move stuff in etc however my wife didn't want to do anything until we could actually move in. Fine, I did what I wanted to without her. Now when everything went through and it was time for us to move in she got a domestic worker to assist with cleaning instead of doing it herself with me.

So anyway, we moved in and she was working at the time, and our house was located between our respective jobs. So i gave her my car (stick shift) and used another vehicle so that she has a good vehicle to travel to work. She damaged the rims and bumper and never apologized. So i took the car back and got her an automatic vehicle so it'll be easier for her. She went to work for 3 months after that then left work. She didn't give me a reason why, and every time I asked she'd get angry. Im generally timid in nature and due to my parents divorce I do my best to avoid conflict because it give me anxiety.

So she hasn't worked for over a year and its taking a strain financially but I'm managing. However she's making no effort to find a job and she doesn't help out around the house. She wakes up at 11am eats and watches TV until bedtime. When I ask her to prepare food she wants me to be there because she doesn't want to "serve" me, maybe she feels that its demeaning. Anyway I have to pay all the bills, clean, do laundry, work and everything else while I feel like she does nothing.

This along with other things have made me feel less attracted to her, hence our intimacy diminished and now she's upset that we don't have a intimate relationship and she doesn't feel a connection. I can't connect with her because I don't want to spend the rest of my life working so hard so she can do nothing. I feel like I don't have a teammate.

Yeah so some advice would be great. I spoke with my pastor the last time we had a fight and he suggested couples counseling however she refused counseling.

I feel like I'm being pushed to a point where I want to separate because I don't want to end up like my parents who lived together miserably for 13 years and at the same time. Its not fair that I have to do everything and she feels entitled to complain and treat me badly. She doesn't respect me and actually told me she doesn't
 
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Endeavourer

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Are there any lovebusters that you are committing against her?
--micromanaging
--selfish demands
--educating her
--anger outbursts
--disrespectful judgments

If so, it's possible she is refusing to work or cooperate in a spirit of self defense and it is a marriage defeating cycle. If this is the case, a change of behavior on your part will be needed to turn the marriage around.

Here is a great explanation of a dynamic that happens after you feel that your giver has been imposed upon by someone else's taker:
The Giver & Taker : Marriage Builders, Inc.

A better way to negotiate with your wife is this:
The Policy of Joint Agreement : Marriage Builders, Inc.

If lovebusters are not happening on your part, separation can save a marriage sometimes and in your case it sounds like separation might be best. It would protect the marriage from daily lovebusters that are tearing it apart, while putting your wife in a position that she has to be productive to survive.

You could give her a letter telling her that you love her and want to being married to her for life, and will look forward to resuming a loving life together when she is able.
 
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eleos1954

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Hi All. New to this and hoping to get some guidance and assistance with my issues. I feel like I'm to blame for my mental struggles however my marriage isn't helping. Im 28 and my wife is 29

So I got married at the end of 2018, and while we were waiting for the house paperwork to go through we lived with my mum. During this time the realtor allowed us to do maintenance and start moving things into our home. During this time I wanted to do things at home. Clean, move stuff in etc however my wife didn't want to do anything until we could actually move in. Fine, I did what I wanted to without her. Now when everything went through and it was time for us to move in she got a domestic worker to assist with cleaning instead of doing it herself with me.

So anyway, we moved in and she was working at the time, and our house was located between our respective jobs. So i gave her my car (stick shift) and used another vehicle so that she has a good vehicle to travel to work. She damaged the rims and bumper and never apologized. So i took the car back and got her an automatic vehicle so it'll be easier for her. She went to work for 3 months after that then left work. She didn't give me a reason why, and every time I asked she'd get angry. Im generally timid in nature and due to my parents divorce I do my best to avoid conflict because it give me anxiety.

So she hasn't worked for over a year and its taking a strain financially but I'm managing. However she's making no effort to find a job and she doesn't help out around the house. She wakes up at 11am eats and watches TV until bedtime. When I ask her to prepare food she wants me to be there because she doesn't want to "serve" me, maybe she feels that its demeaning. Anyway I have to pay all the bills, clean, do laundry, work and everything else while I feel like she does nothing.

This along with other things have made me feel less attracted to her, hence our intimacy diminished and now she's upset that we don't have a intimate relationship and she doesn't feel a connection. I can't connect with her because I don't want to spend the rest of my life working so hard so she can do nothing. I feel like I don't have a teammate.

Yeah so some advice would be great. I spoke with my pastor the last time we had a fight and he suggested couples counseling however she refused counseling.

I feel like I'm being pushed to a point where I want to separate because I don't want to end up like my parents who lived together miserably for 13 years and at the same time. Its not fair that I have to do everything and she feels entitled to complain and treat me badly. She doesn't respect me and actually told me she doesn't

well ... the financial stuff ... although maybe difficult you are handling it ... perhaps talk with here and in a nice way let her know you can't do all the housework and work a regular job as well .... if still no help .... then .... quit doing the housework ... yeah might be tough because it's likely to get pretty out of hand ... but ... as the saying goes .... experience is the best teacher.

Why does she say she doesn't respect you? What is/are the reasons?

If she isn't working and not doing chores .... what is she doing all day?
 
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Anthony_L

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Thanks for the response guys.

We've spoken about it in December last year when we had our last spat.

it mainly became about how i'm lacking. i have my faults i won't deny it. however we spoke about the financial issues and i even helped her with money to start up a small business, buying equipment and supplies however from what i can see she isn't putting any effort into it and i think she's hoping her partner will pick up the slack... i doubt that would happen as for the partner this is a side business.

In terms of the disrespect... Firstly she's very proud of the family she comes from. Alot of her family members have achieved a great deal and have strong morals which she holds dear. for that reason she requested to keep her own maiden surname which i had no problem with. however that makes me think that she not fully committed. You really have to push me far for me to have an anger outbreak and she generally picks on the little things. for example. my parents divorced when i was 13, i still maintained a good relationship with the both of them however my brother and i chose to live with my dad. At my dad we seldom cooked and we mainly got take out. i survived and i can survive on it going forward. i do want to learn to cook however i don't feel it should be solely my responsibility seeing as though i'm carry other responsibilities in the house. Also i don't like the way she conducts herself in the Kitchen. shes an excellent cook however she doesn't clean up after herself and that's something i found annoying. During the December fight i brought up the fact that she doesn't respect me and is constantly negative about everything i do and will complain about everything i do but wouldn't actively do something for herself. I know in those situations i can blurt that out and say "why don't you do it yourself" but I'm not that person.

Right now we sleep in separate bedrooms because she doesn't feel a connection and there isn't a physical relationship. That i will agree is my doing because i honestly don't feel as close to her as i did because of all of this. it affected the physical relationship and i feel really terrible for saying this but i don't feel attracted to her anymore. When she went to sleep in the guest bedroom she said she has no expectations from me anymore both physically and emotionally. She said we are now "roommates"

I'm emotionally exhausted. I can't spend the rest of my life living in separate rooms and avoiding each other. (i basically live in my home office until bed time, i work from home). and i dont think its fair that i should be supporting her when she has no interest in supporting herself. (she wakes up, watches tv, is on her phone, eats and sleeps)

I really appreciate the response from everyone on this forum. its been helpful especially in the situation i'm in. sometimes i feel like i can't speak to anyone around me because of the judgement and its freeing getting this off my check. Its averted suicidal thoughts (I attempted an OD in December during that fight, ended up throwing everything up. I know its bad but sometimes the painkillers help.
 
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Endeavourer

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If?
A slacker with no respect for her husband?
She falls way, way short of being a wife.
M

Initially I thought that too, but I re-read his post. His wife could be suffering from depression as evidenced by her lack of motivation and energy. A poor marriage is the largest cause of depression in wives.

i have my faults i won't deny it
.

You really have to push me far for me to have an anger outbreak and she generally picks on the little things.

So here, Anthony, could be a root of your problem. Women who are on the blistering end of an angry outburst don't just get over it. They internalize it and it hurts them deeply. You may have just gotten everything off your chest in an angry outburst, but look at an angry outburst as you pile up all your sewage and pour it over her. At that moment, you are relieved and have taken action to rid yourself of your sewage. You may think she should just get over it, but it doesn't happen that way. The process of cleaning up sewage poured all over yourself by the person you love most in the world is a long process. Anger outbursts destroy love. A marriage can survive an affair, but it cannot survive anger.

Even one anger outburst is too much.

Right now we sleep in separate bedrooms because she doesn't feel a connection and there isn't a physical relationship.

You will have to eliminate, 100%, your anger outbursts and behave towards each other the same way you behaved when you were dating for the love and physical to come back. You will need to eliminate the other lovebusters as well.

I'm emotionally exhausted.

That's because you don't have a plan to save your marriage so it feels hopeless. Go post in the forum on marriagebuilders.com where highly skilled volunteers will help you come up with a plan to win your wife back. It will be step by step help to do what I described above. You will need to eliminate those lovebusters and pursue your wife, like you did when you were dating.

Generally a man can do this for a good six months, as long as he knows he is following a plan and one way or another there will be victory over the problem at the end. If you have done a good job of eliminating your lovebusters and pursuing her back during those six months, but there is no movement or change from her side, then you can take your next steps knowing you did everything possible. Hopefully, instead of that outcome, you will be able to woo/win her back as the man she dated and learn to be that man throughout the marriage. This generally causes her to return to be the woman you dated as well.

I
. sometimes i feel like i can't speak to anyone around me because of the judgement and its freeing getting this off my check. Its averted suicidal thoughts (I attempted an OD in December during that fight, ended up throwing everything up. I know its bad but sometimes the painkillers help.

Anthony, sometimes men who are taking the steps I described above temporarily need antidepressants to help them table their emotions well enough to make it through the pursuit of their wives. The founder of the marriagebuilders methodology, who arrived at his expertise by studying what worked with 10,000's of couples, does not hesitate to recommend them for a short duration. There are many testimonies of men who were very grateful afterwards for the use of these to help them get through their plan because their marriage was restored beyond their hopes and dreams.
 
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Endeavourer

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You really have to push me far for me to have an anger outbreak and she generally picks on the little things.

I wanted to circle back to just this comment. Your anger outbursts are 100% your decision and responsibility. If the other person is bothering you, you can choose to exit the room, exit the house or exit the county. Exit before you lose your composure - and never lose your composure.

If you think that your wive "makes" you mad, or 'pushes' you into an anger outburst then you need to change your thinking. An anger outburst is 100% on you. You can choose how to respond, and you chose to respond in anger.

A husband who thinks that his anger outburst is not his fault is not a safe husband for a wife.

Anthony, there is a lot for your wife to clean up in this marriage, but it's incumbent on you to give her an environment where it is safe to do so.

Having a plan to change the situation gives you hope for the future. One way or another, your situation will change. Have a plan which offers her the opportunity to respond. If she doesn't, that's on her.
 
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Anthony_L

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With regards to the depression. When we spoke in December i said that this may be a possibility and she agreed however she refuses to seek help for it after numerous attempts. I doubt our marriage is the root cause, there is a possibility it worsen it but she said she's felt this way for years.

WRT the anger, to be clear, when i say it take alot for me to have an anger outbreak i usually keep quiet and she is the one that acts out of frustration. i tend to always be on the backfoot defending myself which is why i generally withdraw and keep quite

When we had our spat in December i looked up some ways to help resolve the issues, similar to the lovebusters however i will give them another go.

Thanks i will check out the information on the site.

i really don't know what else i can do, i'm gonna give this website and the lovebusters a go.
 
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Endeavourer

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With regards to the depression. When we spoke in December i said that this may be a possibility and she agreed however she refuses to seek help for it after numerous attempts. I doubt our marriage is the root cause, there is a possibility it worsen it but she said she's felt this way for years.

There seems, though, to have been behavioral changes in her depression since the marriage (even if it did pre-exist the marriage) because I'm assuming she was not behaving this way prior to the marriage or else you wouldn't have been in love with her and wanted to marry her.

Since something changed in her behavior since the marriage, my first suggestion is to carefully examine your behavior in the marriage for lovebusters, and to clean up your side of the street.

Typically a man can endure at least six months of a poor, one sided marriage - as long as he has a plan - in order to give the marriage every opportunity to turn around. (As an FYI for any woman reading this, most women are not able to withstand a one sided plan for this long without being at high risk for stress induced health issues that are sometimes irreversible.)

WRT the anger, to be clear, when i say it take alot for me to have an anger outbreak i usually keep quiet and she is the one that acts out of frustration. i tend to always be on the backfoot defending myself which is why i generally withdraw and keep quite

It does sound like you are being harangued or badgered, but still you must maintain control of your own self and not give way to anger outbursts. You are not beholden to listen to disrespect until you choose to outburst in anger. Instead, when there is disrespect, leave the room or remove yourself from the situation. This goes equally for husbands and wives.

When we had our spat in December i looked up some ways to help resolve the issues, similar to the lovebusters however i will give them another go.

Awesome. My husband and I don't have spats. We negotiate for resolutions with respect and care towards each other. The marriagebuilders site taught us how to do that. You can have a marriage like that too, if both of you will learn productive ways to present and react to negotiations.

i really don't know what else i can do, i'm gonna give this website and the lovebusters a go.

I'm praying for the success of your marriage Anthony. It's really hard work for the first spouse who steps up to fix the problem, but the joyful and intimate marriage resulting is worth it. I pray that your wife will respond to your diligent efforts.
 
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Encourage everyone to watch "Marriage Today" on Daystar. (Sundays).

Plus their website marriagetoday.com/category/tv-episodes/ has probably 60 free episodes including "What a man really needs" and 'What a woman really needs" by Jimmy Evan's ministries. All teachings are Biblically based. Plus there's books, videos, etc. He was recently interviewed on Joni: Table Table for 4 sessions about his book "The Four Laws of Love." Think those can still be viewed.

There's hundreds on youtube.
 
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1watchman

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It appears you did not know this woman very well ---her upbringing, her family, her ways, etc. I wonder how you walked into this marriage without knowing the person. I wonder if she also made that mistake.
If you have not been doing anything to trouble her, then she is just being her own self and using you. If you cannot talk with her you might write a comprehensive note to her putting forth the fundamental problems and seek her input to work together. After awhile if she does not show consideration for the good of the marriage, it appears she is not devoted to you. Let her know this is troubling to you and you would like to work out any problems.
Then if she is not investing in the good of the marriage, you will just have to live with this very independent person, and live after your own interests and let her be independent. God does not approve divorce, though some couples have agreed to live separately until they mature enough to continue together. I will pray for you. Divorce should not be YOUR option, at least.

I just realized this is an old post, so much of what I have shared may not be of much use.
 
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