How do you know when it’s time to leave a church?

LovebirdsFlying · Aug 4, 2020

My husband and I have been going to this church for some 12 years. Honestly I haven’t felt like it’s my home for most of that time. I go only because my husband goes, and I want to be with him. He is change-resistant due to social anxiety and doesn’t like to get used to new people.

Lately I’m thinking that isn’t a good enough reason to stay. Church is for worshipping Jesus Christ, and my husband cannot be more important to me than He is.

One major concern is that we are among the younger members, and we’re in our 50’s. To the rest of the congregation (which was small even before the virus) we are absolute kids, and some of them talk down to us accordingly. Too many of them have a penchant for making hurtful, mean-spirited remarks and passing them off as “jokes.” There is a lot of political discussion that goes on, and they say the nastiest things about politicians they disagree with. And call that having a Christian attitude.

Over the years I’ve watched the most wonderful people move out of state, change churches themselves, or pass away. This is what is left. Young people occasionally trickle in but they don’t stay. There are no children or youth. Hubby agrees with me that the church is dying but says he doesn’t want to hasten its demise by leaving.

Pastor does preach sound doctrine from the pulpit. That’s the only thing the church has going for it. However he does frequently cite urban legends to back up his points, believing they are true stories. That might leave people thinking he doesn’t know what he’s talking about, and aren’t these Christians gullible?

Plus he comes off rushed and distracted when we need him as a pastor. I would talk about the most recent thing, what happened after my husband’s cousin passed away over the weekend, but this post is getting too long. In a nutshell, too distracted by procedure and logistics, and not one “sorry for your loss” from pastor, deacon, or congregation.

So that’s where things are. Again, how do you know when it’s time to leave a church?

Victor in Christ · Aug 4, 2020

simple answer. When they stop or only briefly preach/minister the sacrifice of Christ for our sins on Calvary's cross, leave it.

When they don't minister of Christ's sacrifice, they tend to speak of themselves, the world and others. Such offerings are fools offerings. This is when the world/Satan comes in, ie- confess your sins to me, pray to this saint, that saint, put your faith on a sculpture, someone else but Christ, some icon, this Pastor, this Priest, this minister, this Saint.

They might even say lift your spirits up by having a game of bowls, join the gym, join our cycling club, a celebrity minister is coming next month, try out this thing or that thing. Beware of such 'churches'.

they've been here in OT days, the Apostles era and are still about today.

Ecclesiastes 5:1-2

tampasteve · Aug 4, 2020

It sounds like you already know the choice that you want to make, the next step is following through on it.

I would leave, given what you have shared here. Finding a new church home takes time and is mentally taxing, but it is also very important to our spiritual health.

maintenance man · Aug 4, 2020

LovebirdsFlying said:
how do you know when it’s time to leave a church?

You painted a beautifully complete picture in your post. I realize there's likely a mountain of detail you've left out, but I think you've supplied enough information for us to fully understand your situation.

First of all, I also have a problem with social anxiety and know all too well how hard it might be for your husband to consider moving to a new church. Of course your husband is not more important than your relationship with Jesus; however, he is your primary responsibility in this world. And your relationship with Jesus is not dependent on where you worship. I would encourage you to give careful consideration to your husbands feelings and seek a solution that is comfortable for him. At the same time, I would hope your husband would be willing to step outside his comfort zone to help you find a more satisfying worship experience.

I'm praying that the two of you can find a way to work together to make this decision.

It does sound like you would benefit from moving to a new church. You may need to explore the possibilities on your own and then include your husband when you have found a situation where you feel he will be comfortable visiting. I would suggest making the move slowly. Stay at your old church while visiting other churches every other week until your husband feels comfortable with the move.

Of course, with the virus, this is not a great time to be church shopping.

Maybe exploring some local church websites might be a good way to start the process?

pdudgeon · Aug 4, 2020

tampasteve said:
It sounds like you already know the choice that you want to make, the next step is following through on it.

I would leave, given what you have shared here. Finding a new church home takes time and is mentally taxing, but it is also very important to our spiritual health.

I agree! Think of it this way...if this church were a restaurant where you went to eat dinner every week, how long would it take for you to change to a different place?

Basically everyone there has a job to feed and care for those around them, and to carry the message that they hear inside to others who are still outside.

So if you aren't being cared for or fed, and if the message is not healthy, and you don't feel like you can make a difference there, then the next step is always "Go where there is provision!"

Ronit · Aug 4, 2020

LovebirdsFlying said:
My husband and I have been going to this church for some 12 years. Honestly I haven’t felt like it’s my home for most of that time. I go only because my husband goes, and I want to be with him. He is change-resistant due to social anxiety and doesn’t like to get used to new people.

Lately I’m thinking that isn’t a good enough reason to stay. Church is for worshipping Jesus Christ, and my husband cannot be more important to me than He is.

One major concern is that we are among the younger members, and we’re in our 50’s. To the rest of the congregation (which was small even before the virus) we are absolute kids, and some of them talk down to us accordingly. Too many of them have a penchant for making hurtful, mean-spirited remarks and passing them off as “jokes.” There is a lot of political discussion that goes on, and they say the nastiest things about politicians they disagree with. And call that having a Christian attitude.

Over the years I’ve watched the most wonderful people move out of state, change churches themselves, or pass away. This is what is left. Young people occasionally trickle in but they don’t stay. There are no children or youth. Hubby agrees with me that the church is dying but says he doesn’t want to hasten its demise by leaving.

Pastor does preach sound doctrine from the pulpit. That’s the only thing the church has going for it. However he does frequently cite urban legends to back up his points, believing they are true stories. That might leave people thinking he doesn’t know what he’s talking about, and aren’t these Christians gullible?

Plus he comes off rushed and distracted when we need him as a pastor. I would talk about the most recent thing, what happened after my husband’s cousin passed away over the weekend, but this post is getting too long. In a nutshell, too distracted by procedure and logistics, and not one “sorry for your loss” from pastor, deacon, or congregation.

So that’s where things are. Again, how do you know when it’s time to leave a church?

Time to leave when the Lord presses it on your heart. And or they deviate from the Bible.
Prayers
Ronit

ChristianGirl_96 · Aug 4, 2020

When you start fighting.

Albion · Aug 4, 2020

I don't know that there is any "That's it; I'm leaving" moment, but although a few of the negatives that you mentioned might possibly have an excuse, it does look like changing churches makes sense.

But neither would you want to change too hastily, so my first question would be this: "From all that you know, thanks to comments from friends, the newspaper, and any occasions on which you visited some other church...

...is there another one nearby that seems at this time likely to match up with your expectations?"

LovebirdsFlying · Aug 4, 2020

Albion said:
"From all that you know, thanks to comments from friends, the newspaper, and any occasions on which you visited some other church...

...is there another one nearby that seems at this time likely to match up with your expectations?"

I know of at least one former deacon and his wife who changed churches some time ago but still live in town. I’m considering finding out where they go and giving that a try. Maybe if hubby already knows somebody, he’ll be more comfortable.

Victor in Christ · Aug 4, 2020

LovebirdsFlying said:
My husband and I have been going to this church for some 12 years. Honestly I haven’t felt like it’s my home for most of that time. I go only because my husband goes, and I want to be with him. He is change-resistant due to social anxiety and doesn’t like to get used to new people.

Lately I’m thinking that isn’t a good enough reason to stay. Church is for worshipping Jesus Christ, and my husband cannot be more important to me than He is.

One major concern is that we are among the younger members, and we’re in our 50’s. To the rest of the congregation (which was small even before the virus) we are absolute kids, and some of them talk down to us accordingly. Too many of them have a penchant for making hurtful, mean-spirited remarks and passing them off as “jokes.” There is a lot of political discussion that goes on, and they say the nastiest things about politicians they disagree with. And call that having a Christian attitude.

Over the years I’ve watched the most wonderful people move out of state, change churches themselves, or pass away. This is what is left. Young people occasionally trickle in but they don’t stay. There are no children or youth. Hubby agrees with me that the church is dying but says he doesn’t want to hasten its demise by leaving.

Pastor does preach sound doctrine from the pulpit. That’s the only thing the church has going for it. However he does frequently cite urban legends to back up his points, believing they are true stories. That might leave people thinking he doesn’t know what he’s talking about, and aren’t these Christians gullible?

Plus he comes off rushed and distracted when we need him as a pastor. I would talk about the most recent thing, what happened after my husband’s cousin passed away over the weekend, but this post is getting too long. In a nutshell, too distracted by procedure and logistics, and not one “sorry for your loss” from pastor, deacon, or congregation.

So that’s where things are. Again, how do you know when it’s time to leave a church?

The highlighted part above is the most important part. The problem may lye with the elders, deacons and obviously the congregation. Your pastor shouldn't be expected to be at everyones 'beck and call' all the time. Have a deep meaningfull talk with your husband, look into the people who are appointed elders and deacons. Evaluate what they are doing and decide if they have maneuvered themselves into those positions for their own status. Obviously the elderly congregation has lost faith, in a state of unbelief or they were never saved to begin with which leads to them thinking as a 'mature' Christian they have no need to help others grow, (Christ would call such people Goats).

LovebirdsFlying said:
I know of at least one former deacon and his wife who changed churches some time ago but still live in town. I’m considering finding out where they go and giving that a try. Maybe if hubby already knows somebody, he’ll be more comfortable.

ask him first why he left.

seeking.IAM · Aug 4, 2020

My "That's it I'm done" moment came when week after week I felt empty, not filled. If you go to church week after week and feel you're not really worshipping what's the point? Realizing that was was my epiphany. It was the best decision I ever made. I kick myself for not having done it earlier.

Bobber · Aug 5, 2020

LovebirdsFlying said:
My husband and I have been going to this church for some 12 years. Honestly I haven’t felt like it’s my home for most of that time. I go only because my husband goes, and I want to be with him. He is change-resistant due to social anxiety and doesn’t like to get used to new people.

Lately I’m thinking that isn’t a good enough reason to stay. Church is for worshipping Jesus Christ, and my husband cannot be more important to me than He is.

One major concern is that we are among the younger members, and we’re in our 50’s. To the rest of the congregation (which was small even before the virus) we are absolute kids, and some of them talk down to us accordingly. Too many of them have a penchant for making hurtful, mean-spirited remarks and passing them off as “jokes.” There is a lot of political discussion that goes on, and they say the nastiest things about politicians they disagree with. And call that having a Christian attitude.

Over the years I’ve watched the most wonderful people move out of state, change churches themselves, or pass away. This is what is left. Young people occasionally trickle in but they don’t stay. There are no children or youth. Hubby agrees with me that the church is dying but says he doesn’t want to hasten its demise by leaving.

Pastor does preach sound doctrine from the pulpit. That’s the only thing the church has going for it. However he does frequently cite urban legends to back up his points, believing they are true stories. That might leave people thinking he doesn’t know what he’s talking about, and aren’t these Christians gullible?

Plus he comes off rushed and distracted when we need him as a pastor. I would talk about the most recent thing, what happened after my husband’s cousin passed away over the weekend, but this post is getting too long. In a nutshell, too distracted by procedure and logistics, and not one “sorry for your loss” from pastor, deacon, or congregation.

So that’s where things are. Again, how do you know when it’s time to leave a church?

I can't say whether you should stay or go. There may be reasons God wants you to stay...or reasons he gives you a green light to go and try somewhere else.

I will say this though. Many times people use as a criteria for even joining up with a church with things like is this a loving place to be? They might want to consider that God might want them to stay in an unloving church so that the love of God in you as they see demonstrated can change or transform them. I heard this from one pastor once. God told him to take a Pastor's position that no other minister wanted....why? Because they were very carnal Christians. God told him that's why I want you to be there.....that he could be like a shining light to bring them out of their carnality.

Having said that I'm not saying you should stay. I'm merely saying there's a different way one can look at it.

eleos1954 · Aug 5, 2020

LovebirdsFlying said:
My husband and I have been going to this church for some 12 years. Honestly I haven’t felt like it’s my home for most of that time. I go only because my husband goes, and I want to be with him. He is change-resistant due to social anxiety and doesn’t like to get used to new people.

Lately I’m thinking that isn’t a good enough reason to stay. Church is for worshipping Jesus Christ, and my husband cannot be more important to me than He is.

One major concern is that we are among the younger members, and we’re in our 50’s. To the rest of the congregation (which was small even before the virus) we are absolute kids, and some of them talk down to us accordingly. Too many of them have a penchant for making hurtful, mean-spirited remarks and passing them off as “jokes.” There is a lot of political discussion that goes on, and they say the nastiest things about politicians they disagree with. And call that having a Christian attitude.

Over the years I’ve watched the most wonderful people move out of state, change churches themselves, or pass away. This is what is left. Young people occasionally trickle in but they don’t stay. There are no children or youth. Hubby agrees with me that the church is dying but says he doesn’t want to hasten its demise by leaving.

Pastor does preach sound doctrine from the pulpit. That’s the only thing the church has going for it. However he does frequently cite urban legends to back up his points, believing they are true stories. That might leave people thinking he doesn’t know what he’s talking about, and aren’t these Christians gullible?

Plus he comes off rushed and distracted when we need him as a pastor. I would talk about the most recent thing, what happened after my husband’s cousin passed away over the weekend, but this post is getting too long. In a nutshell, too distracted by procedure and logistics, and not one “sorry for your loss” from pastor, deacon, or congregation.

So that’s where things are. Again, how do you know when it’s time to leave a church?

Perhaps the church and members should concentrate on creating programs, studies, activities that would attract the youth.

Joined2krist · Aug 5, 2020

LovebirdsFlying said:
I know of at least one former deacon and his wife who changed churches some time ago but still live in town. I’m considering finding out where they go and giving that a try. Maybe if hubby already knows somebody, he’ll be more comfortable.

If your Pastor still preaches sound doctrines then you shouldn't be too bothered about the political discussions and other conversations going on around you. You don't need to get involved and if you're asked why, tell them it's because they curse and insult, it makes you uncomfortable. If they heard about your loss and didn't sympathizer with you, that's sad

LovebirdsFlying · Aug 6, 2020

I've decided I'm going to go to a different church this coming Sunday, although my husband most likely won't be joining me. Unfortunately he's already blabbed to the pastor that I plan on leaving, and I would rather have broken that news on my own terms. Now the pastor is going to feel bad, because hubby has a tendency to miss patterns of behavior and think in terms of only the most recent incident. So he thinks I want to leave over just one little problem, instead of problem after problem after problem after problem.

Which means now I *have* to have a confrontation with the pastor.

And the most recent incident is this: Hubby's cousin had passed away only hours before the Sunday morning service. Because of social distancing, pastor had done away with altar calls but says to see him after service if anyone is in need of prayer. I was sitting near the pastor during the special music, and I let him know we would be meeting with him after service because of a death in our family. He heard and acknowledged me.

After service, then, hubby and pastor and I had barely started talking when pastor was distracted by somebody else walking by. He flagged her down to make sure she had turned all the lights off, and then actually walked away from us to show her where a certain light switch was. Wouldn't you think a death in the family is slightly more important than making sure the lights are off? Then he continued talking to this person and that person, just chatting, and meanwhile I gave up and just went out to the car. Hubby followed a few minutes later. I let him know what I thought of how that just played out. Hubby's defense was, "Well, he thought you were finished." Lame excuse. We hadn't even prayed. And praying was the whole point of telling him about it! Hubby then went back inside the church and returned with the pastor. We had a brief discussion beside our car, but as for the praying, it was *hubby* who ended up initiating and leading it. And he was the one who needed praying for! Total lack of support. Pastor 100% dropped the ball there. I don't know what his mind was on, but it wasn't on our need.

There's more. Pastor had been sending out what he calls covid updates. I'm not sure why he calls it that, specifically. It's sort of an email newsletter. He's discussing how his week has gone, and how service is to be handled with covid going on. Because Wednesday night prayer service has been cancelled, I didn't know of any other way to submit a prayer request and get it communicated to everybody. So I piggybacked on the pastor's circulated email to ask the congregation in general for prayer. Well, it turns out there is a prayer text system in place, but I hadn't been told about it. The only responses I received were from two deacons and the wife of a third, all telling me about that prayer text system, but NOT ACTUALLY RESPONDING to the need I stated. Furthermore, one of the deacons who told me about it noted that he has specifically asked people not to respond to the prayer requests to say they are praying, because he doesn't want his phone blowing up with texts while he's at work.

As I said, not a single solitary "sorry for your loss" from anybody, including members of the congregation who saw my piggyback email. Nobody, but nobody, but nobody has reached out.

seeking.IAM · Aug 6, 2020

You may be surprised at your pastor's reaction. Pastors are pretty used to people coming and going. When I left my church of 25 years in which I filled key leadership roles, my pastor didn't blink, required no explaining, and never called.

Heavenhome · Aug 6, 2020

LovebirdsFlying said:
I've decided I'm going to go to a different church this coming Sunday, although my husband most likely won't be joining me. Unfortunately he's already blabbed to the pastor that I plan on leaving, and I would rather have broken that news on my own terms. Now the pastor is going to feel bad, because hubby has a tendency to miss patterns of behavior and think in terms of only the most recent incident. So he thinks I want to leave over just one little problem, instead of problem after problem after problem after problem.

Which means now I *have* to have a confrontation with the pastor.

And the most recent incident is this: Hubby's cousin had passed away only hours before the Sunday morning service. Because of social distancing, pastor had done away with altar calls but says to see him after service if anyone is in need of prayer. I was sitting near the pastor during the special music, and I let him know we would be meeting with him after service because of a death in our family. He heard and acknowledged me.

After service, then, hubby and pastor and I had barely started talking when pastor was distracted by somebody else walking by. He flagged her down to make sure she had turned all the lights off, and then actually walked away from us to show her where a certain light switch was. Wouldn't you think a death in the family is slightly more important than making sure the lights are off? Then he continued talking to this person and that person, just chatting, and meanwhile I gave up and just went out to the car. Hubby followed a few minutes later. I let him know what I thought of how that just played out. Hubby's defense was, "Well, he thought you were finished." Lame excuse. We hadn't even prayed. And praying was the whole point of telling him about it! Hubby then went back inside the church and returned with the pastor. We had a brief discussion beside our car, but as for the praying, it was *hubby* who ended up initiating and leading it. And he was the one who needed praying for! Total lack of support. Pastor 100% dropped the ball there. I don't know what his mind was on, but it wasn't on our need.

There's more. Pastor had been sending out what he calls covid updates. I'm not sure why he calls it that, specifically. It's sort of an email newsletter. He's discussing how his week has gone, and how service is to be handled with covid going on. Because Wednesday night prayer service has been cancelled, I didn't know of any other way to submit a prayer request and get it communicated to everybody. So I piggybacked on the pastor's circulated email to ask the congregation in general for prayer. Well, it turns out there is a prayer text system in place, but I hadn't been told about it. The only responses I received were from two deacons and the wife of a third, all telling me about that prayer text system, but NOT ACTUALLY RESPONDING to the need I stated. Furthermore, one of the deacons who told me about it noted that he has specifically asked people not to respond to the prayer requests to say they are praying, because he doesn't want his phone blowing up with texts while he's at work.

As I said, not a single solitary "sorry for your loss" from anybody, including members of the congregation who saw my piggyback email. Nobody, but nobody, but nobody has reached out.

Wow(shaking my head)

Didn't Jesus say to Peter "feed my sheep" John 21:15-17.( 3 times)
I thought a Pastor tends his flock or at least is supposed to.

LovebirdsFlying · Aug 6, 2020

Heavenhome said:
Wow(shaking my head)

Didn't Jesus say to Peter "feed my sheep" John 21:15-17.( 3 times)
I thought a Pastor tends his flock or at least is supposed to.

That’s what I was saying. So concerned about procedure and logistics that there isn’t enough space in there to respond to the spiritual need. The deacons too, since all I got from them after I reached out was, “Hey, you reached out using the wrong method.”

Albion · Aug 6, 2020

LovebirdsFlying, it looks from here as though convincing hubby is the bigger challenge. Finding another church probably isn't the biggest hurdle. But I still think looking around, as you will be doing, is important both for your sake and for persuading him.

Lost4words · Aug 6, 2020

For me, i have always stuck to the same parish.

Then again, i am lucky i have a few good parishes in my area (Catholic).

They always make sure there is a bowl of fresh water for me just inside the porch. That nails it for me!

How do you know when it’s time to leave a church?

My husband drew this cartoon of me.

Jehovah Tsidkenu

Pray for peace in Israel

Well-Known Member

Traditional Catholic

Well-Known Member

Well-Known Member

Facilitator

My husband drew this cartoon of me.

Jehovah Tsidkenu

Episcopalian

Well-Known Member

God is Love

Well-Known Member

My husband drew this cartoon of me.

Episcopalian

Well-Known Member

My husband drew this cartoon of me.

Facilitator

Jesus I Trust In You

Similar threads