Hi, I've been terrified that I committed the unforgivable sin against the Holy Spirit. I've been worrying about it for weeks and finally mustered up enough courage to ask a forum. Things haven't been going good for me lately and I've been very angry, anxious and depressed. I'm mentally drained and I exploded and said things that I deeply regret. I was having a shower one day and I felt immense anger fall over me and I started to bad mouth God, Jesus and the Holy Spirit. I was saying horrible things to them, I was using profanity, I said God's name in vain a few times, I said they were no better than Satan and I was questioning whether they're actually on the good side. I feel like I did what the Pharisees did and attributed their work to Satan. I even said I would be on Satan's side in a Holy War. I didn't immediately repent and I don't know if I fully have. I've been a sinner all of my life and I have trouble repenting, but I'm trying to do better each and every day. Some of the things I've read and heard about the unforgivable sin is that no one who has ever repented has been denied and that if you're worried about it then you clearly haven't done it because no Christian can commit the sin. I've read a lot of different things about the unforgivable sin and I keep wondering if I went too far in my particular case. Any help or insight is greatly appreciated!
The short answer is that no, you didn't commit the unpardonable sin. If you are here afraid that you did, then you can be confident that you haven't.
The longer answer is that you didn't commit the unpardonable sin, because blasphemy of the Holy Spirit isn't about being mad at God, saying mean things about or to God, or generally things that could be described as blasphemous or near blasphemous. The unpardonable sin isn't unpardonable because God is unwilling to forgive, or as though He can't forgive--what makes the unpardonable sin unpardonable is that the one who commits it refuses to be forgiven.
It is called blasphemy of the Holy Spirit because it is the Spirit's work to appropriate faith to us through word and work of God, and when we resist that work, harden ourselves, and insist on denying the truth (indeed, not merely by accident, but through intention) we are consistently cutting ourselves off from the source of all grace: God Himself. Jesus speaks to the Pharisees saying that blasphemy against Him will will be forgiven (even as they accuse Him of working by the power of devils), the warning is that they not go so far gone as to resist the work of God so utterly and completely that they refuse mercy and forgiveness. It is a warning for them, not a statement that they had already committed such a sin; a warning that their stubborn rejection of what God is doing is killing them slowly from the inside.
C.S. Lewis in The Great Divorce writes something quite fantastic, I think, that really can help us get our heads around the idea.
"
The whole difficulty of understanding Hell is that the thing to be understood is so nearly Nothing. But
ye'll have had experiences . . . it begins with a grumbling mood, and yourself still distinct from it:
perhaps criticising it. And yourself, in a dark hour, may will that mood, embrace it. Ye can repent and
come out of it again. But there may come a day when you can do that no longer. Then there will be no
you left to criticise the mood, nor even to enjoy it, but just the grumble itself going on forever like a
machine." - C.S. Lewis, The Great Divorce
For one may grumble, and complain, and kick at the rocks resisting and denying and even cursing God. But we're still human and so there is still a person here that is the target of God's loving devotion and salvation. But what if we continue, and continue, that grumbling slowly eroding away at our humanity, until at some point there really isn't anything much left at all--just the grumble, the creaking sounds of a machine without thinking and without feeling. Hell, in Lewis' estimation, is what happens when human beings so thoroughly reject God that they themselves fundamentally deny everything that makes them human.
The unpardonable sin isn't from God's perspective, but ours. We are the ones who refuse to be pardoned. And Hell isn't the "place" where people "go" for having failed to find the right religion, or because they've committed too many sins (for that is all of us, we are all monumental and great big bad sinners). Hell is, for Lewis here, what it looks like when we have intentionally stolen all the joy and meaning of life by denying life, denying joy, denying meaning, denying everything that makes us alive, makes us human. St. John of Patmos describes this horrific voidness of life "the second death", it's not just the absence of life; but the total voidness of life, a fundamental denial and rejection of all life, of all living. There is no living to be had in Hell. Hell is nothing at all, it is a nothing that is devoid and the rejection of everything. I do not mean "Annihilationism" here, because even a total annihilation would be something more than Hell.
-CryptoLutheran