I've experienced things in life that were several hundred times better than a relationship - honestly, I've had so much fun as a single man you'd never believe it. 22 to 29 were the most experimental, interesting and just downright wacky years of my life, particularly 25 onwards.
The problem is that most single people dwell on being alone. The idea is empower yourself as an individual by actively engaging with the world around you. Find who you are from a creative standpoint, go to the far east and order food like you're playing a game of roulette, carve out a hobby, get good at it and immerse yourself within a tightly-knit subculture - basically, just level up. So that when you DO enter a relationship, you enter into it as an evolved character.
I get the sense that my single status is due to go supernova - I don't think that there's much left for me to do as an individual. I've more than less done it. I wouldn't be surprised if I marry in the next few years. It's starting to feel like the next natural progression.
I can carry on being everyone's mate if i want, or I can have a go at being a very good husband. (Or both, but that's a bit too hipsterish...)
I share this story, of course not speaking as one as someone that was married or even in a long-term relationship, but observing my living situation with my sister who've been a widow for a few years now with my background who have been single (status wise) for quite a long time now.
Note: I do realize that its a little lengthy but bare with me lol!
Beside the times where she does think about her late husband, she became more and more comfortable with the idea of being single.As in I don't feel the need of dating. Not worrying about another person, being able to make her own decisions, more time with God, etc. But at the same time, subconsciously, in order for her to walk through the house in peace, I basically have to take on roles that I found her late husband did. Maybe because I'm also much younger that she have a mental expectation of how I should be, but I digress.
For example, she hates dishes. The expectation is that, and this was said, that I should have a love language for her, or that she has PTSD that she did Thanksgiving dinner 25 years ago that was alot and now she can't do it, or that she have arthritis, anything to tell me that she does not like dishes. So expectation is that I make fish, throw out trash, do the dishes, place is clean, etc. These are things that her husband had to do to make her happy. These are things expected that will make her happy.
At the same time, she is not married, so the responsibility to take care of things aren't there. So often times, it creates a situation where dishes are dirty, but she doesn't wash them. Maybe there a full garbage, but she wouldn't look to do it. Maybe she got fish, but doesn't tell me to fry them, or I tell her to make sure to take it out. Doesn't get done, but there's still an expectation that it should be done. Often said, passive agressively. Calling it out its hard, because those expectations are so hard place that the thought of compromise deconstructs the very nature of what a connection between her and someone else should be like. In result it becomes that if I did not do any of those things, then I'm void of purpose, I'm more of a burden or obstacle. Because a loving sister who follows Jesus, should always be loving. A loving sister loves doing dishes, making fish all the time, and always wants to throw out garbage. If she is not happy, then I am not loving. That is the expectation.
Ultimately, that's not how God wants us to see people, nor ourselves, for in every season, no matter their role, everyone have their purpose.
Sounds like a rant, it is lol, but I do have a point.
What was revealed to me though, is that before I came in things the same way, always butting heads. But I realize that there is not butting heads. Its more so butting heads with ourselves. I will always know that we both are desperately wicked in our hearts, and both of us are made righteous through Jesus. What she does today and tomorrow, or how she is being, I don't expect her any other way than where she's at with Jesus, and the same for me. In the end, I don't hold grudges anymore, I lacked the fear to communicate more, or not communicate more, because growing in God give me more of the freedom to not see situations as my expectations, but what the bigger picture is for all of us. Do I still get in arguments? Of course lol. But peace I walk away with. That my expectations and reality are two different things. I don't get fluster if it keeps happening, I don't say that my sister is not loving because she made me mad, that doesn't make sense. Because despite how I feel, my sister is my sister, love and cherished by God, and therefore I love and cherish her, just as I am loved and cherished. I correct when correction is needed in that spirit, and same with her. Sometimes that doesn't look like how I even expect it. But when I did have expectations, or she had expectations, that how clashes come.
Singlehood have that environment that lacks the sense of haste to being responsible to our own actions, that relationship calls for. We tend to think to empower our own selves, but to be binding to someone else, especially a child who is your own flesh and blood, or even adopted, it calls to a responsibility. If you forget, the response is very quick, which push us to thus react just as hastely. It caters our flesh not needing to be something to someone but ourselves, we can tell the truth or lie to ourselves and on the surface its consequence free. At times though, when we transition to that whether single to relationship or vice versa, we come in with expectations on how that should look like. We tend to make those expectations a priority. Some people expectations completely ignore the actual nature of the connection, and the thought of it being compromise becomes a fight or flight for people. It gets to the point where we end up not being at peace. In result, we put priority on things that we see have purpose and wrap our expectations that everyone in accordance with us justify why we should be responsible with our own actions. If its not meant, we justify the freedom to be apathetic since it bears no immediate consequences.
We give expectations especially with those we have legal contracts, to be consistent. And even if we're not, we expect those around us to serve us in that matter since we are fulfilled in that manner (i.g. I don't have a mate, my expectation is that the friends around me should fulfill me, or that I need to be better in order to fulfill my expectations of myself). We don't say that out loud, because it sounds bad. But I would challenge all of us to step back and see if we enter alliances with expectations like that, even ourselves.
Its not wrong to expect that people do what they say they are going to do. Same for ourselves. That's the responsibility that we can control. We expect of God on what He said that He's going to do. But to be what we want them to be, or have a situation be what it should have been, or say that when I'm single it should be this, or going into that because it will be that, is setting a tone that's void of God and not open to how God moves through our lives. And that travels throughout every encounter.
Whichever environment shouldn't matter though, with God there should be peace. Not in fulfillment of expectation. So if you're thinking about transitioning from singlehood to romantic relationship because nature, or because you worn out your time of being singlehood, that expectation of how your connection should be with that person is gonna carry into marriage. The only thing is that you may end up with someone who's expectations clashes somewhere with yours and you're butting ends on who should compromise.
But if both come in with Jesus being their driving force, then it wouldn't even matter what expectations you got. Jesus will be your expectation, it gives space to then worry about taking responsibility in our place in things. And with godly people around you, there is no fear either on being called out, whether in singledom or marriage, because everyone in your life serve their purpose in the will of God, and not of our own expectations.
So if you read this far, thanks lol! But I hope I've encourage you that in any stage, to make Jesus a driving force, and make it that much your priority and how you address both yourself and with others.Yes not feeling alone, is an expectation. But reality, there are times that I do feel alone. That happens in friendships, relationships,etc.People can never eradicate that. Expectations will never fully eradicate that. And its not a bad thing, it just brings us to remind ourselves of the love of Jesus that we all have as His children.So there's peace, despite how I feel or what I expect. Seeking the Kingdom and His righteousness first, will set the stage,tone, and foundation on every season, that will bring true peace in all situations no matter if you have a person with you or not.
That is how someone is empower, through Jesus' blood and righteousness, and everything else is added on. That means no matter who comes in and out, all will serve their purpose, which will make any ones expectations on how others or situation should be obsolete.
It always breaks down whenever we get in the way of that and put our expectations there in the forefront, no relationship status will change that, it just furthers complicates it.