- Oct 22, 2019
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Earth is hell for me because of my afflictions
Hell is obviously hell that you don't want to go to
and the more I think and read on heaven the more that becomes hell for me too, "think on the promises of God" I do. "focus your mind on eternity" I do. That's a big part of the problem.
I already know I have nothing to look forward to in this life, it's a complete wash for me.
but I just have this pessimistic view of heaven and the new earth too. Like I'm so used to never getting anything I want and always getting what I hate that I just don't expect it to stop in eternity, because of scripture promising an end to some things I'd like and promising me that the one thing I can look forward to is singing (which I hate) to a person who has made this life on earth Hell on earth for me. Sometimes that feels like an insult, to praise and worship and do an activity I loathe for a person who has afflicted me, denied me good things, and then promised me I will never get some things I want forever.
My nephews and niece bring me joy, they bring my sister even more joy, and that brings me sorrow knowing I will never be able to experience that joy, as I'll NEVER have children of my own.
Sometimes I think the best thing God can do for me is to just wipe me from existence, that would be the most benevolent thing to make it so that I'm just not conscious anymore, then there is no loss and no negativity.
and yet I fear that because the one thing that Christians always try to be helpful with is that "God will change your desires" which doesn't sound like fulfilling desires as much as it sounds like brainwashing, and to me that's basically not existing either, if you met me in heaven or the new earth and I just love singing and eating bananas, that's not me, that's my replacement.
Yesterday I got the premonition that God would withhold another dream of mine, even in eternity: to travel through space. That God would limit us to just the one planet forever. That for me would be so crushingly disappointing to me. I can't take that, that there's a way that I'd be disappointed in God, but I can see it happening to me the more things He promises to withhold. I can't be happy just falling on my face and singing. That is the 3rd Hell for me.
How do I deconstruct the third hell?
Hell is obviously hell that you don't want to go to
and the more I think and read on heaven the more that becomes hell for me too, "think on the promises of God" I do. "focus your mind on eternity" I do. That's a big part of the problem.
I already know I have nothing to look forward to in this life, it's a complete wash for me.
but I just have this pessimistic view of heaven and the new earth too. Like I'm so used to never getting anything I want and always getting what I hate that I just don't expect it to stop in eternity, because of scripture promising an end to some things I'd like and promising me that the one thing I can look forward to is singing (which I hate) to a person who has made this life on earth Hell on earth for me. Sometimes that feels like an insult, to praise and worship and do an activity I loathe for a person who has afflicted me, denied me good things, and then promised me I will never get some things I want forever.
My nephews and niece bring me joy, they bring my sister even more joy, and that brings me sorrow knowing I will never be able to experience that joy, as I'll NEVER have children of my own.
Sometimes I think the best thing God can do for me is to just wipe me from existence, that would be the most benevolent thing to make it so that I'm just not conscious anymore, then there is no loss and no negativity.
and yet I fear that because the one thing that Christians always try to be helpful with is that "God will change your desires" which doesn't sound like fulfilling desires as much as it sounds like brainwashing, and to me that's basically not existing either, if you met me in heaven or the new earth and I just love singing and eating bananas, that's not me, that's my replacement.
Yesterday I got the premonition that God would withhold another dream of mine, even in eternity: to travel through space. That God would limit us to just the one planet forever. That for me would be so crushingly disappointing to me. I can't take that, that there's a way that I'd be disappointed in God, but I can see it happening to me the more things He promises to withhold. I can't be happy just falling on my face and singing. That is the 3rd Hell for me.
How do I deconstruct the third hell?