Coping with singleness in your 30s

TheOliveSeed · Jul 1, 2020

I turn 33 today and I'm starting to wonder if this marriage thing will ever happen for me. Aside from the relationship I was in when I was 25 [the only relationship I've ever been in and a non-sexual one at that] which lasted 8 months because he was cheating; and being sexually assaulted at 29 and losing my virginity on October 8, 2016, I've pretty much been alone all my life. My plan was to wait until marriage, which was a promise I made to myself since I was a teenager. I know I harbor resentment towards men now and have fears about being abused, so I do know I've a lot of healing to do as a result of the things that have happened to me, but I would still like to get married someday to my God-ordained man or someone with the characteristics I'm looking for. I'm just starting to think he doesn't exist and might have to come to terms with being single for the long haul. Most of my peers are in a relationship or some sort or already married with kids, but I'd like to think there are other single 30-somethings, 40-somethings, etc, out there, and would like to hear how y'all are coping, if there're things you're doing to actively find the right partner, of if you're like me and somehow giving up hope of ever finding him or her.

dzheremi · Jul 1, 2020

Lord have mercy. Your story is very difficult to read, but I thank you for sharing it, and I pray that God will be with you in your healing from your past trauma. I am moved to say (and I hope this will be taken in a positive way; if not, please forgive me) that you did not break the promise that you had made. A horrible thing happened to you. God knows what is in your heart -- the true measure of purity -- and He is with those who have suffered. Again, Lord have mercy.

I do not have anything like that in my background, and I am a man, so no doubt my perspective on this is very different, but I am looking at embracing the same struggle for other reasons. It is difficult, no doubt, especially as many of my friends are married (and have been for a while) and have children, which it seems like I will never have. But I try not to compare myself to them in any way that would cause jealousy to arise, since after all these are my friends and I am happy for them, and for what role I still have to play in their lives. My best friend has a 5 year old daughter who is really a sweetheart, and she tells me she loves me and things like that. It's nice. Kinda like being a grandparent or uncle or something. If this is part of being childless myself, I'll take it!

But I don't honestly know if someone is out there for me. God knows. He will place them in my path in His time, if it is to be. In the meantime, I try to work on being the best version of myself that I can be, in terms of dealing with health issues, developing varied interests, and generally trying to be the kind of person I would want to be around. I figure if I don't like myself, it would be quite a stretch to expect anyone else to. And that's a real challenge, as someone who has suffered from very low self-esteem for years now. But God gives us such challenges to keep us in the race, so that we do not become complacent and cold. I am reminded of the Psalmist's prayer (Psalm 66 in the western numbering):

Oh, bless our God, you peoples!
And make the voice of His praise to be heard,
Who keeps our soul among the living,
And does not allow our feet to be moved.
For You, O God, have tested us;
You have refined us as silver is refined.
You brought us into the net;
You laid affliction on our backs.
You have caused men to ride over our heads;
We went through fire and through water;
But You brought us out to rich fulfillment.

+++

I hope you will find the partner you are looking for, The Olive Seed. And happy birthday! One upside of being single: You don't have to share any birthday cake with anybody.

Sketcher · Jul 1, 2020

Still single. Still have doubts as to whether I would be a good father, which is frustrating and also a major factor in keeping me single.

The Soul Search · Jul 1, 2020

I am single close to 40 and have never had a relationship.

Brightmoon · Jul 1, 2020

I’ve had 2 horrible abusive relationships one pretty good one that I lost out of fear and one so so relationship that I felt wasn’t working because of a lack of trust because he wasn’t trustworthy Being traumatized makes subsequent relationships difficult . If the relationship is worth keeping try therapy. If it’s abusive in any way , the quicker you dump, the less crap they can put into your head

.Mikha'el. · Jul 1, 2020

TheOliveSeed said:
I turn 33 today and I'm starting to wonder if this marriage thing will ever happen for me. Aside from the relationship I was in when I was 25 [the only relationship I've ever been in and a non-sexual one at that] which lasted 8 months because he was cheating; and being sexually assaulted at 29 and losing my virginity on October 8, 2016, I've pretty much been alone all my life. My plan was to wait until marriage, which was a promise I made to myself since I was a teenager. I know I harbor resentment towards men now and have fears about being abused, so I do know I've a lot of healing to do as a result of the things that have happened to me, but I would still like to get married someday to my God-ordained man or someone with the characteristics I'm looking for. I'm just starting to think he doesn't exist and might have to come to terms with being single for the long haul. Most of my peers are in a relationship or some sort or already married with kids, but I'd like to think there are other single 30-somethings, 40-somethings, etc, out there, and would like to hear how y'all are coping, if there're things you're doing to actively find the right partner, of if you're like me and somehow giving up hope of ever finding him or her.

The way I see it, some people find a suitable partner easily, and some people never find anyone. That is the way life just is. It's not something we can control by ourselves. We should all be open to whatever life could throw our way at any time because circumstances can change in the blink of an eye.

Richard T · Jul 2, 2020

All I can add is that I hope you do not give up. Instead press into God further, have faith and believe that your spouse is on the way. Though you might feel otherwise, the right man will not be worrying about your past, other than being supportive and considerate. There are all kinds of Christian teachings on this subject on you tube or written form. Here is one such sample. On the Matter of a Mate by Kenneth E. Hagin | International Association of Proverbs 31 Women
God bless!

ReesePiece23 · Jul 2, 2020

These threads are always difficult - and I never seem to have a good answer for them either; because when ALL you can see is the present moment, optimistic words just sound irritating and banal.

But, I think the most important thing is to view your character as one. If one aspect of you levels up then the rest of your character must level up also, or else you'll just end up with imbalances and mistuned strings. Ultimately, a balanced character is what'll do it for you.

Emotional maturity, intelligence, confidence, personal satiety, inner peace and faith are some of the characteristics that I refer to when I say "balanced character".

You can't just focus on romance. This'll be an overall repair and diagnostics job - BUT, it doesn't need to be this great big mission that you spend months labouring over. Just ONE day to yourself in a quiet place in nature can be enough - it just depends on how good you are at not thinking too critically or in absolutes. This world is a very abstract place.

GospelS · Jul 2, 2020

My interest to be a wife has more to do with my spiritual desires, rather than physical or any other reasons. So I'm not finding it hard to cope instead I'm afraid my spiritual desires would be compromised if and when my man finds me, finally

. It's hilarious how i take steps to try to hide and run away from potential men so that my future husband doesn't catch me yet. It's also hilarious how God has been hiding me all my life and doesn't let any man to reach me, see me, or touch me, (even failing all my attempts to meet someone at one time). It's hilarious to be playing this hide and seek with my future husband and see his longing for me, while i stand behind God and watch him trying to find me and get to me. I think he needs me more than i need him. I keep asking God to let me have some more time alone with Him before He let's any man to have me. I keep doing that all the time but I know someday God would answer my future husband's prayer and everything will change in a moment when i meet him at last. Sorry to my honey bunny but don't you worry, the longer the wait the stronger and sweeter our love

.

bèlla · Jul 2, 2020

I agree with @gospels.

The yearning for companionship is singular. Its filling your desires. But where does He come in? How does God benefit from the union? How is the Kingdom bettered by your marriage? If your mind in centered on self you'll never have peace. You'll fill the void with things, people, or activities to keep the loneliness at bay.

But when you're inundated with Him that isn't the case. The void is nonexistent. He's captured your heart and filled it with Himself and a knowing that remains. You don't worry about marriage because you know Him. He's true to His word. Growing in Him is your priority. Not finding a spouse. Because that's settled. He has the matter in hand.

I didn't do anything to find a companion. We met a few years ago on a forum. I ran three groups at the time. The emphasis was etiquette, service and manners. He read my posts and messaged for advice. We hit it off. I shared snippets from my old profile recently. It was God-centered and service-minded. We reconnected during the pandemic. I sent a note inquiring about his welfare and loved ones. An act of kindness was the spark.

I wasn't focused on meeting someone or putting myself out there. My mind was knee in my purpose. That hasn't changed. Relationships bring challenges that don't exist when we're single. I have considerations that weren't a factor a few months ago. Balancing the two requires prayer and wisdom.

~Bella

bèlla · Jul 2, 2020

gospels said:
My interest to be a wife has more to do with my spiritual desires, rather than physical or any other reasons. So I'm not finding it hard to cope instead I'm afraid my spiritual desires would be compromised if and when my man finds me, finally .

You came up in my quiet time yesterday and I prayed for you. Your comment echoed my thoughts. I sensed that was the case. I don't know if the time draws near. But you were on His heart nonetheless.

~Bella

GospelS · Jul 2, 2020

LaBèlla said:
You came up in my quiet time yesterday and I prayed for you. Your comment echoed my thoughts. I sensed that was the case. I don't know if the time draws near. But you were on His heart nonetheless.

~Bella

Thank you, Bella. I'm so blessed by you.

bèlla · Jul 2, 2020

gospels said:
Thank you, Bella. I'm so blessed by you.

Thank you gospels, I feel the same. I can't wait to see what the Lord has in store for you. It's wonderful to watch!

~Bella

bèlla · Jul 2, 2020

I want to interject something for the OP. I'm not suggesting you sit on your hands. I think a two-prong approach is best. Go deep with God. You're going to need Him more than you realize when you're partnered. Trust me!

Focus on healing and releasing the hurt. You've been through a lot. I recommend reading books by Michelle McKinney Hammond and Stormie Omartian. I think their messages will minister to you. It's important to recalibrate your thinking about the opposite sex. You can't allow Satan to rob you of His best.

Pray a lot. For yourself and your future spouse. I've used numerous resources. But I'm partial to Prayers of an Excellent Wife, The Power of a Praying Woman/Wife, Effectual Prayer, and Prayers That Avail Much.

To combat your fear, I recommend a prayer I shared some time ago. You can pray it nightly or on a weekly basis. It was a great help to me in the past and I hope you're equally blessed.

During my singleness, I focused on three things: purpose (my calling from God), prayer (intercession for myself, future spouse, family and friends, ministries and individuals the Lord laid on my heart), and service (in the church, mentoring/teaching, encouraging/supporting, and ministering to the homeless and broken).

I envisioned the woman I wanted to become and developed the skills I lacked. I wanted my husband to have a loving wife who provided an oasis he'd eagerly return to. From cooking and housekeeping to entertaining and deportment. I wanted him to be proud of me and honor his position through my countenance and service.

That's how I spent my time. I had a plan and that made a difference. I knew what I was working towards.

~Bella

GospelS · Jul 2, 2020

LaBèlla said:
Thank you gospels, I feel the same. I can't wait to see what the Lord has in store for you. It's wonderful to watch!

~Bella

I'm glad you feel the same for me. It feels fearful yet wonderful. Sometimes He makes us to grow fond of someone you never dreamt you would like.

bèlla · Jul 2, 2020

gospels said:
I'm glad you feel the same for me. It feels fearful yet wonderful. Sometimes He makes us to grow fond of someone you never dreamt you would like.

It’s scary and humbling. The first time I encountered the ideal was a book by Derek Prince, God Is a Matchmaker. The Lord led him to both of his wives. The first was much older and when she died He brought the next. He loved them both and they were instrumental to his ministry. His first wife had several adopted children and he embraced them all. They adopted another together!

My second encounter was the retelling of an arranged marriage. Ravi Zacharias shared it in I, Isaac Take Thee Rebekah. They’re Indian but they grew up in Canada. His brother wanted a traditional marriage. Ravi thought he was nuts.

But he told him, “Love is as much a question of the will as it is of the emotion. And if you will to love somebody, you can.“ I said wow and read it again. Then I panicked a little. I knew what it meant and it was a little frightening.

Last summer, He demonstrated it. He flooded me with love. I fled. It unnerved me. I remember saying I wasn’t attracted to the person. But He showed me that could change. He’s kept many away. They were the wrong fit and He didn’t allow me to develop a connection that would lead me astray.

~Bella

TheOliveSeed · Jul 5, 2020

dzheremi said:
Lord have mercy. Your story is very difficult to read, but I thank you for sharing it, and I pray that God will be with you in your healing from your past trauma. I am moved to say (and I hope this will be taken in a positive way; if not, please forgive me) that you did not break the promise that you had made. A horrible thing happened to you. God knows what is in your heart -- the true measure of purity -- and He is with those who have suffered. Again, Lord have mercy.

I do not have anything like that in my background, and I am a man, so no doubt my perspective on this is very different, but I am looking at embracing the same struggle for other reasons. It is difficult, no doubt, especially as many of my friends are married (and have been for a while) and have children, which it seems like I will never have. But I try not to compare myself to them in any way that would cause jealousy to arise, since after all these are my friends and I am happy for them, and for what role I still have to play in their lives. My best friend has a 5 year old daughter who is really a sweetheart, and she tells me she loves me and things like that. It's nice. Kinda like being a grandparent or uncle or something. If this is part of being childless myself, I'll take it!

But I don't honestly know if someone is out there for me. God knows. He will place them in my path in His time, if it is to be. In the meantime, I try to work on being the best version of myself that I can be, in terms of dealing with health issues, developing varied interests, and generally trying to be the kind of person I would want to be around. I figure if I don't like myself, it would be quite a stretch to expect anyone else to. And that's a real challenge, as someone who has suffered from very low self-esteem for years now. But God gives us such challenges to keep us in the race, so that we do not become complacent and cold. I am reminded of the Psalmist's prayer (Psalm 66 in the western numbering):

Oh, bless our God, you peoples!
And make the voice of His praise to be heard,
Who keeps our soul among the living,
And does not allow our feet to be moved.
For You, O God, have tested us;
You have refined us as silver is refined.
You brought us into the net;
You laid affliction on our backs.
You have caused men to ride over our heads;
We went through fire and through water;
But You brought us out to rich fulfillment.

+++

I hope you will find the partner you are looking for, The Olive Seed. And happy birthday! One upside of being single: You don't have to share any birthday cake with anybody.

Thank you. There're things I've been dealing with since the following day after the incident and no Doctor has been able to help. These make healing from the trauma all the more impossible because everyday I'm reminded of what happened. As for purity, I no longer feel pure and it's one of the reasons I'm now considering hymenoplasty, which I found out about last year. I guess it won't bring back my virginity per se but I guess I might feel better restoring what was unfairly taken away from me and I can still feel like I kept myself till marriage, which was my goal all along. But if I don't get married, no man will come near me. Physical intimacy should only be between a married man and woman. This has always been my mentality and my goal for myself; that much hasn't changed.

TheOliveSeed · Jul 5, 2020

LaBèlla said:
I want to interject something for the OP. I'm not suggesting you sit on your hands. I think a two-prong approach is best. Go deep with God. You're going to need Him more than you realize when you're partnered. Trust me!

Focus on healing and releasing the hurt. You've been through a lot. I recommend reading books by Michelle McKinney Hammond and Stormie Omartian. I think their messages will minister to you. It's important to recalibrate your thinking about the opposite sex. You can't allow Satan to rob you of His best.

Pray a lot. For yourself and your future spouse. I've used numerous resources. But I'm partial to Prayers of an Excellent Wife, The Power of a Praying Woman/Wife, Effectual Prayer, and Prayers That Avail Much.

To combat your fear, I recommend a prayer I shared some time ago. You can pray it nightly or on a weekly basis. It was a great help to me in the past and I hope you're equally blessed.

During my singleness, I focused on three things: purpose (my calling from God), prayer (intercession for myself, future spouse, family and friends, ministries and individuals the Lord laid on my heart), and service (in the church, mentoring/teaching, encouraging/supporting, and ministering to the homeless and broken).

I envisioned the woman I wanted to become and developed the skills I lacked. I wanted my husband to have a loving wife who provided an oasis he'd eagerly return to. From cooking and housekeeping to entertaining and deportment. I wanted him to be proud of me and honor his position through my countenance and service.

That's how I spent my time. I had a plan and that made a difference. I knew what I was working towards.

~Bella

Thanks.

MehGuy · Jul 5, 2020

I guess I have since turned 30 so this thread is relevant for me. Personally I am fine with it, never planned to marry until my early to mid 30s anyways. I look more manly than I did 10 years ago, and I've gotten better with talking to women since then. My romantic inclinations are a little different, but I guess I can tag someone along. Honestly if I never marry that is not a very big deal for me either.

Sketcher · Jul 5, 2020

TheOliveSeed said:
Thank you. There're things I've been dealing with since the following day after the incident and no Doctor has been able to help. These make healing from the trauma all the more impossible because everyday I'm reminded of what happened. As for purity, I no longer feel pure and it's one of the reasons I'm now considering hymenoplasty, which I found out about last year. I guess it won't bring back my virginity per se but I guess I might feel better restoring what was unfairly taken away from me and I can still feel like I kept myself till marriage, which was my goal all along. But if I don't get married, no man will come near me. Physical intimacy should only be between a married man and woman. This has always been my mentality and my goal for myself; that much hasn't changed.

What happened to you doesn't make you impure, it makes you hurt instead. Big difference.
Is that surgery known to make women in your shoes feel better about themselves?

Coping with singleness in your 30s

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