I feel a bit selfish posting for myself but am struggling with the same old fear doubt unbelief suicidal thoughts and trauma. wanting to pray but struggling to get past the idea that God is displeased with me?
If you need help from people here, then it is not selfish to post here.
There is nothing wrong with having doubts or questions about what one believes, so long as one is looking for answers.
Let's be clear about one thing.
God does Not speak to you or to any one saying that person is not worthy of his love, or that God hates them, is cross with them or even that he is displeased with them.
Any voice telling you this is not from God.
So any voice telling you to punish or hurt or self harm in any way is not from God.
Jesus bore All our sins, our guilt, our shame and our punishment in his body on the cross.
So if or rather when you sin there is no need to starve yourself, or inflict any punishment, but just a need to tell Jesus you are sorry and please forgive me yet again.
May I suggest reading Romans 5:1-11, about what Jesus has done for us, giving us peace with God the Father.
What may also help you are some tips on dealing with intrusive thoughts found in the article, 25 tips for successful treating OCD. You don't have OCD, but do appear to have intrusive thoughts, so please read it and discuss it with your therapist/doctor.