I'm Neglected a Lot

GirdYourLoins

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Even in the OP I got the impression your focus is not on him and some of the other comments makes me think you might not give him attention and affection but still expect it from him. You said you will say Hi while on the phone to your mom. I read talking to your mom is more important. You say you will not sleep in the same bed and may leave for a while to teach him a lesson. I read your love is conditional and has to be earned. You have a boyfriend on Facebook. I read you have turned to others for emotional connections and not your husband which can only be a very bad thing for your marriage. And if you are turning to others are you even honest withyour husband?
Have you even considered that your husbands behaviour is a reaction to your behavour? Are you an emotional vacuum that just takes and doesnt give? Do you really show him love and affection or just expect him to show it to you?
Having said that, sometimes marriage just doesnt work. It can be that people may just be incompatible. If you really are not able to stay together it is not sin and does not make you an emeny of God to separate. Where sin comes in is if you commit adultery. The way i see it is if you do separate and get with someone else you have committed adultery, so your choice is your husband or no one.
 
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Dave L

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my wife and I just celebrated our 50th wedding anniversary and are enjoying the best years of our life even with the looming COVID 19 threat. We give God credit for this blessing.

We've had our usual ups and downs over the years. We ruled out divorce and remarriage from the start and avoid Churches that accept it. Also, we avoid divorced friends.

We keep our families at a distance and possibly see them at Christmas if at all. Even though they are not too far away.

We found nearly all of our problems were external involving other people. Whether it was Work stress, extended family-related stress, "friends". To put it another way, when we went into "social distancing" mode, nothing changed except for giving up haircuts and having Walmart grocery shop for us.

So, when I retired, I also retired from being around people you have to "work" at being around. These are truly the "Golden Years".
 
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lsume

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He pretty much gave my mom the same attitude he gave me. It hurt me he ignored me, but it really hurt that he just straight up didn't even acknowledge that my mom was saying hello and he didn't care to even give a rip. Over a door...
At some point, every heaven bound Christian must be born again. There is nothing hidden that won’t be revealed. When that happens, change occurs.
 
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JacksBratt

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My husband told me we needed to see if we were happier with each other in December and go from there. He wasn't talking counseling either. I'm in utter shock considering he told me we don't use the D word (divorce). I had a post a few days ago, and things got a little better. He comes home and I'm all happy and talking to him while I'm on the phone with my mom. She said to tell him "hi and that he is my favorite son-in-law!" He's coming around his car with the most hard, mad face (just like his mom), telling me to get in the house. I did and he cuts right by me and won't even acknowledge my mom starts slamming the door over and over to shut it. This attitude happens like three times a week or more. I'm over it. He went on how he didn't have a good day. I wouldn't know that. I don't work with him, but he was filled in on how I was used by my dad earlier (which hurt and was disappointing) and he continued to give me the silent treatment and treat me like I've done something so bad. I want this to be the last time. I'm so sick of a non-caring husband. Or one that is distant and could care less. He even ignored my mom! He told me I do the same to his parents. No, I sit in their house and watch their family enjoy each other. I'm not family. I talk to them when spoken to if im allowed to even answer. Usually one of his jealous sisters usually yells or talks over me and if I speak to someone without permission (like not spoken to), they will turn to someone else and start talking and here you are basically talking to nobody. I just always wanted to be married into a good, Christian family. I thought I had that. Turns out it's Facebook posts and praying before we eat (they're all like 300+ lbs). Not much love anywhere else.

Not to mention, I am so miserable in mammas house (we live in his moms old house- I want to leave so bad). We have hopes to move. I'm treated like this often and he even knows my issues and when they arise is when he hammers me the most. Idk if he is wanting me to leave or what. He has told me that if I wanted to go, he just wants me to be happy that he wouldn't make me come back. Which makes me think maybe he doesn't want me. I'm neglected a lot. I might get a sit-down meal with him weekly. He makes sure time spent is quick so he can get back home and watch TV alone. His attitude is in waves. He's the sweetest man I've ever had and he has treated me pretty good. He just makes me feel like we don't need to be together. Like he doesn't care if I'm there or not. From time to time, I kinda regret marriage, but I don't want a divorce. I don't want to sin that way. I want to honor God, but feels like I never wanted it to be like this and stay that way. By the way, I had left the front door open on the house I live in (I wish I could say my house). Not wide open. The screen door was there. It was open maybe 15 minutes. I'm over pettiness. I did take up for myself. I said things I shouldn't have. I was very blunt and told him to go on. I'm not sleeping with him tonight. I'll have to lay there and be ignored by him again because I will talk try to talk to him. I am debating a separation to teach him a lesson. I wouldn't doubt he'd take a travel job (he's union) and leave. He's said he'd do it and I told him I'm not living in a place I don't want to live in alone. So I'd still leave. I just can't keep living here. Especially alone!
I highly suspect that you are dealing with a Narcissist... A man dealing and suffering with OCPD.. and, you will suffer too.. more than you know..

This site may help you immensely....
Out of the FOG - Index
 
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J Bella Funk

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My husband told me we needed to see if we were happier with each other in December and go from there. He wasn't talking counseling either. I'm in utter shock considering he told me we don't use the D word (divorce). I had a post a few days ago, and things got a little better. He comes home and I'm all happy and talking to him while I'm on the phone with my mom. She said to tell him "hi and that he is my favorite son-in-law!" He's coming around his car with the most hard, mad face (just like his mom), telling me to get in the house. I did and he cuts right by me and won't even acknowledge my mom starts slamming the door over and over to shut it. This attitude happens like three times a week or more. I'm over it. He went on how he didn't have a good day. I wouldn't know that. I don't work with him, but he was filled in on how I was used by my dad earlier (which hurt and was disappointing) and he continued to give me the silent treatment and treat me like I've done something so bad. I want this to be the last time. I'm so sick of a non-caring husband. Or one that is distant and could care less. He even ignored my mom! He told me I do the same to his parents. No, I sit in their house and watch their family enjoy each other. I'm not family. I talk to them when spoken to if im allowed to even answer. Usually one of his jealous sisters usually yells or talks over me and if I speak to someone without permission (like not spoken to), they will turn to someone else and start talking and here you are basically talking to nobody. I just always wanted to be married into a good, Christian family. I thought I had that. Turns out it's Facebook posts and praying before we eat (they're all like 300+ lbs). Not much love anywhere else.

Not to mention, I am so miserable in mammas house (we live in his moms old house- I want to leave so bad). We have hopes to move. I'm treated like this often and he even knows my issues and when they arise is when he hammers me the most. Idk if he is wanting me to leave or what. He has told me that if I wanted to go, he just wants me to be happy that he wouldn't make me come back. Which makes me think maybe he doesn't want me. I'm neglected a lot. I might get a sit-down meal with him weekly. He makes sure time spent is quick so he can get back home and watch TV alone. His attitude is in waves. He's the sweetest man I've ever had and he has treated me pretty good. He just makes me feel like we don't need to be together. Like he doesn't care if I'm there or not. From time to time, I kinda regret marriage, but I don't want a divorce. I don't want to sin that way. I want to honor God, but feels like I never wanted it to be like this and stay that way. By the way, I had left the front door open on the house I live in (I wish I could say my house). Not wide open. The screen door was there. It was open maybe 15 minutes. I'm over pettiness. I did take up for myself. I said things I shouldn't have. I was very blunt and told him to go on. I'm not sleeping with him tonight. I'll have to lay there and be ignored by him again because I will talk try to talk to him. I am debating a separation to teach him a lesson. I wouldn't doubt he'd take a travel job (he's union) and leave. He's said he'd do it and I told him I'm not living in a place I don't want to live in alone. So I'd still leave. I just can't keep living here. Especially alone!

As I read your message I feel your pain. Truly and deeply I do. The times that we are living in is testing us all. You have family here on this forum, and most importantly our heavenly father above. Please please message me and I will pray with you. I feel your pain. We are all in unprecedented times, and we must continue to keep one another strong. You have such a patient and loving heart, your treasure awaits as we learn in scripture. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also. Matthew 6:21. I understand where you are coming from. I and everyone reading your message will pray for you and your husband. We will pray that your husband's heart be changed and less hardened. I'm so sorry you are going through this. I can not imagine. You are so LOVED. So very much loved.
 
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Glorytothefather2245

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We have been going to a church that is newer to us since Easter time. I don't really like it all that much. I mean, they had something about a greek goddess on their church calendar since the name June came from that goddess. I didn't understand. And that was a baptist church!

I read James 4:4. I really don't want to be a friend of the world, but if my husband makes me divorce or I feel like I have to get away from this, does that mean I'm an enemy of God? I don't want to be because I love God! I also love my husband, but I don't feel a whole lot of love from him.
No it wouldn't make you an enemy of God but if you got divorced you wouldn't be able to remarry since it wasnt due to sexual immorality.
 
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carrico

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I clearly got this out of your first post.

Your husband's job is wearing on him ... and when he comes home, he probably needs a 1/2 hour to an hour to decompress. For him, a happy wife wanting him to be happy too ... is just ... more pressure. Go easy on him and respect his space.

I would also be praying for a job change for him. The one he's got is putting both of you through the wringer ...

Yeah, it's all about his job. He is union so he is placed in different places. We are so blessed he is at home. He's only 40 min away from home instead of in another state like he has been a lot of times. It's been a very lonely marriage from time to time. I talked about a career change and he said no way since he has been paying into this pension for the past 11 years.
 
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carrico

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Thank you for the compliment. I've never married but I used to minister to someone for several years and my suggestions are an outgrowth of that experience. We've had a lengthy connection and my reconciliation to God was a point of contention. My desire for his freedom was greater than minor offenses. Keeping His perspective in mind helped. But I'm human too. And when I erred the Lord directed me to apologize. Sometimes I admitted that was the case. :D

....

Thanks for your insight. You asked a lot of wonderful questions. I did crop your quote. Yes, the whole in-law situation is something that I just have always never said anything back. I am working on not having an opinion on things either when I have to be around them. I think the last time, I said my dog was stupid (she really is though, very disobedient). MIL didn't like that and wanted to go on and on and on about this dog. My dog picked this dog out. It was a free dog MILs neighbors got rid of, so we took her. She's a very stubborn dog. It's just stuff like that. I'm also supposed to remember what my MIL likes to eat. I don't pay attention to stuff like that. I don't go over unless I have to. I haven't been over in almost two months. Usually, I just have to sit there and watch them talk to each other. I'm talked over or ignored. OR if I'm talking they join another conversation and turn from me. I know. I just know when I have a baby I will be smothered and will be wanted so bad so I can go over and just hand a baby I've been waiting on for 5 years to them. No way. We also have infertility and we have to go to a doctors to get a baby since my husband's sperm count is almost nothing. Also, his sisters can't have children. I blame obesity. My husband lost his weight and has mostly kept it off. I just wonder what will happen when I become a mom and how I will have to stand up for myself. MIL takes care of my disabled FIL (they were in a car wreck). The last thing I want is my baby in a house where it's over fed, cussed at, watches their fights, is in the car with them driving like maniacs.
 
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carrico

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Nor care to possibly?
Takes two that want, care and love.

True,
might consider counseling?

M

Hey! I was wondering if you were gonna show up! You usually come to my posts. We bonded a lot yesterday. We are looking to make Saturdays and some Fridays a bonding day. We had a good argument yesterday and then we had a really good day after that. He doesn't want to do counseling. So a good prayer time will be what I start with.
 
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Mountainmanbob

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We bonded a lot yesterday. We are looking to make Saturdays and some Fridays a bonding day.
Hi
sounds like an excellent starting plan.

Took me a while to figure it out.
What is of most importance is to wake each morning
and make her day the best that I can
getting out of self takes time but,
sure feels good when we work at it.

A happy Queen makes for a happy King.

Many blessings sent from,
Bob
 
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carrico

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From what you have said tells a lot about things that are a bit one sided.
I am being honest by saying you may take your responsibility for some of this yourself.
Your Husband works for your family?
You have said Your Dad is difficult but is very sick?
You are having a emotional relationship on line?
Your Husband is ok with that?
Does He see what You are posting?
would he approve of what you have shared here?
How would you deal with your husband flirting and talking about you on Face book?
His Family is disconnected from you ,and you imply they are not sincere Christians who eat too much and are all over weight?
Who's fault is it your Husband cannot afford to buy a better home?
If His folks did not provide a home,what kind of place would you have?
I see that everything is others fault,yet you have a boyfriend on Facebook.
Your aware of emotional cheating why?
It's not Cheating if it's not physical?
it is,your heart is being shared with another,and that puts a wedge in your marriage.
You have thought of the d word,where would you go?
There is a lot that we do not know about here,so we fill in the blanks.
If my Wife was doing that on Face book I would slam doors.
if She acted as if I was not a good provider,its possible i would wonder how
well off her friend was.
truthfully this whole thing seem ambiguous to me.
my prayers are going out for you and family.

NO. You misread. Husband works for a union, not my family. I think I've said that like 3 times. My dad has COPD, has had a collapsed lung and now is on dialysis. Won't define those, check out WebMd. I don't think I have an emotional relationship online in a cheating fashion. I have no desire for that. I pray away the emotions and thoughts I feel which I believe are temptation and I don't want that. My husband knows I talk to a ton of friends online. I'm not sure if he'd approve of what I've posted here. He probably would tell me to ignore your post, but I won't. And he already knows the situation. Still don't know why I am explaining myself here, I guess I just want to clear some things up since you posted a questionnaire. I wouldn't approve of my husband flirting on Facebook since I DO NOT flirt on Facebook, I just talk to friends. If he was talking about me, so be it! He revealed to me last night that he has talked to his friends at work both men and women. Just like I have. I revealed to him that I had spoken to this guy online last night. I told him how I actually messaged that guy to apologize for being a jerk to him back in the day (I wasn't being a jerk to him, but I found old messages that made me feel like anyone could take those messages wrong). After that, he just vented to me and I vented to him. He will try to say things as a joke, but I will brush them off because I can't reply to something that seems flirty because I have nothing. We do not have plans to meet up, I don't send pictures, etc. I'm actually glad I never went for that guy, but I always have this really weird feeling when he texts me and he gets stuck in my mind, but I feel extremely bad for him because he has lived a life that of being very unloved by his family. It's almost like I keep getting this fantasy version of him stuck in my mind. I pray to get away from thoughts of him. I feel awful bad for him. If you want to know more, I really encourage this person to do the best he can in life. To keep believing and submitting to God (he was mad at Him), and to keep praying for that perfect woman because I want him to have that. I try to be this guys friend.

Ok. back to the questionnaire. His family only talks to me when they feel like it. I never said they ate too much, but they are very much obese. I feel like this offended you. Sorry if it did. I don't understand why you are questioning this, but I am not like them and I wonder if this has anything to do with the way they treat me. Even their pets are like 30 lbs overweight. My husband makes $32.11/hr and I make $20/hr. We can afford a better home than this and if we were to buy our own, it would be what we actually want, the biggest factor being WHERE we want to be. I never said anything is anyone's fault here, I'm just explaining how I feel about MY POSITION in MY marriage. Again, I don't have an online relationship. I have said nothing to him about having feelings for him and he's not my boyfriend. Why I am aware of emotional cheating is because I had a friend tell me her ex husband did this to her and I never understood it, that being why I don't believe its actual cheating. It's temptation in my opinion because I really don't get it. Maybe there's more to it than I understand because I'm not doing anything but replying to messages like this one right here. Nothing physical. I have no desire once again. So, I'm not sharing my heart. Just my problems. To be honest, he shares more of his and I just counsel him. He lost his job three weeks ago- still not interested in what he has or him. I'm just afraid that having those weird feelings is "an emotional affair," which is confusing to me. It's not something I am trying to do. Maybe tempted? I just keep shutting it down. I pray to somehow kill the conversation and just get it over with. I barely know how to identify my own feelings. So when someone shows me care, I just have these weird bubbly feelings. Everyone is always bringing me their problems. I'm a school counselor, not an actual counselor for big issues, but I'm always glad to help. I'm also too friendly and caring. I worked so hard to be more of an extrovert and now I'm wishing I was more of an introvert again. Yeah,I have thought about the d word, but mostly separation to give my husband that obvious space he wants. I don't want the D word- he brought it up. I overthink so I think of it when I'm mad. I feel like everyone is pulling me from all sorts of directions. Sure, this post can seem ambiguous, and you can assume whatever you want. Thanks for there prayers...
 
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carrico

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Even in the OP I got the impression your focus is not on him and some of the other comments makes me think you might not give him attention and affection but still expect it from him. You said you will say Hi while on the phone to your mom. I read talking to your mom is more important. You say you will not sleep in the same bed and may leave for a while to teach him a lesson. I read your love is conditional and has to be earned. You have a boyfriend on Facebook. I read you have turned to others for emotional connections and not your husband which can only be a very bad thing for your marriage. And if you are turning to others are you even honest withyour husband?
Have you even considered that your husbands behaviour is a reaction to your behavour? Are you an emotional vacuum that just takes and doesnt give? Do you really show him love and affection or just expect him to show it to you?
Having said that, sometimes marriage just doesnt work. It can be that people may just be incompatible. If you really are not able to stay together it is not sin and does not make you an emeny of God to separate. Where sin comes in is if you commit adultery. The way i see it is if you do separate and get with someone else you have committed adultery, so your choice is your husband or no one.

I go to him for attention, and I am brushed off. I am used to it, so I go my own way, but I don't give up. I was to the point where I was not wanting to share a bed, but we did that night. It's hard feeling unwanted and unloved. I love how readers just assume that it's my fault when I'm just asking for some help here. Yeah, I wanted to teach him a lesson. He wanted to throw us away! He is clueless to what a divorce is. I was on the phone one time when he came home. I never said my mom was more important. It just hurts that he would brush my family off just like he has brushed me off. It hurts every single time. Then to see him just ignore me again relaying a hello from my mom hurts again. I don't understand why nobody gets that. It was wearing me out. Almost a daily thing. That's all. I accidentally hit a barrier in his truck the next day and about puked all over myself worried having a panic attack that he was going to mistreat me again. Who said I have a Facebook boyfriend? Ask the the guy I vent to, he wouldn't claim me as girlfriend. We don't talk daily. When we do, I get a some weird feelings. I just replied on another thread about it if you want to read. I didn't turn for an emotional connection. I just had a conversation with him about his two-day relationship with some girl and we just had some sort of message thing going on and I ended up venting. I try to kill these conversations as quick as I can while still being a friend. we message about stupid things like elementary school and face masks. I even tried to find him a girlfriend and help him find a new job. I don't want him! I just just have weird feelings when I message him and sometimes I wonder if I had given him a chance like 8 years ago if it would have been ok, but I'm glad it didn't because I feel like he's negative and I just try to build him up. I try and try to give my husband attention. He wants to be in front of the TV. I just go somewhere else or sit in there with him and play on my phone, computer, reading my bible, or word search. I beg for sex. I beg for going out. I beg! How is his behavior a product of mine? I even walk his food from the kitchen to the living room for him and we eat dinner while watching the world news where I can barely talk to him because I am interrupting the TV.
 
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carrico

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my wife and I just celebrated our 50th wedding anniversary and are enjoying the best years of our life even with the looming COVID 19 threat. We give God credit for this blessing.

We've had our usual ups and downs over the years. We ruled out divorce and remarriage from the start and avoid Churches that accept it. Also, we avoid divorced friends.

We keep our families at a distance and possibly see them at Christmas if at all. Even though they are not too far away.

We found nearly all of our problems were external involving other people. Whether it was Work stress, extended family-related stress, "friends". To put it another way, when we went into "social distancing" mode, nothing changed except for giving up haircuts and having Walmart grocery shop for us.

So, when I retired, I also retired from being around people you have to "work" at being around. These are truly the "Golden Years".


Congrats. Sounds like a good life.
 
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carrico

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I highly suspect that you are dealing with a Narcissist... A man dealing and suffering with OCPD.. and, you will suffer too.. more than you know..

This site may help you immensely....
Out of the FOG - Index

Thanks. A bulk of you guys are just wonderful and I appreciate EVERYONE (even the ones on his side) for reaching out, but much thanks to those who have given me a lot of Godly advice. Things have gotten better in the past few days.
 
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carrico

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At some point, every heaven bound Christian must be born again. There is nothing hidden that won’t be revealed. When that happens, change occurs.

We are born again. We just have problems. I think our problem is his job. :(
 
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GirdYourLoins

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I go to him for attention, and I am brushed off. I am used to it, so I go my own way, but I don't give up. I was to the point where I was not wanting to share a bed, but we did that night. It's hard feeling unwanted and unloved. I love how readers just assume that it's my fault when I'm just asking for some help here. Yeah, I wanted to teach him a lesson. He wanted to throw us away! He is clueless to what a divorce is. I was on the phone one time when he came home. I never said my mom was more important. It just hurts that he would brush my family off just like he has brushed me off. It hurts every single time. Then to see him just ignore me again relaying a hello from my mom hurts again. I don't understand why nobody gets that. It was wearing me out. Almost a daily thing. That's all. I accidentally hit a barrier in his truck the next day and about puked all over myself worried having a panic attack that he was going to mistreat me again. Who said I have a Facebook boyfriend? Ask the the guy I vent to, he wouldn't claim me as girlfriend. We don't talk daily. When we do, I get a some weird feelings. I just replied on another thread about it if you want to read. I didn't turn for an emotional connection. I just had a conversation with him about his two-day relationship with some girl and we just had some sort of message thing going on and I ended up venting. I try to kill these conversations as quick as I can while still being a friend. we message about stupid things like elementary school and face masks. I even tried to find him a girlfriend and help him find a new job. I don't want him! I just just have weird feelings when I message him and sometimes I wonder if I had given him a chance like 8 years ago if it would have been ok, but I'm glad it didn't because I feel like he's negative and I just try to build him up. I try and try to give my husband attention. He wants to be in front of the TV. I just go somewhere else or sit in there with him and play on my phone, computer, reading my bible, or word search. I beg for sex. I beg for going out. I beg! How is his behavior a product of mine? I even walk his food from the kitchen to the living room for him and we eat dinner while watching the world news where I can barely talk to him because I am interrupting the TV.
Ok, I read some posts but not all and may have got the wrong idea. From what you've said in this post I would say that is at least borderline abuse. The fact you nearly puked on yourself with worry, the ignoring, etc. I'd say you should try to talk to someone about it. Maybe not someone who knows him as well, the pastor of another church could be a good option, or if you feel comfortable with your own pastor speak to them. what do other people who know like your mom say? I dont want to know, but do they thnk its a good idea to stay? Both sides have biblical responsibilities and it doesnt sound like he is living up to his part Ephesians 5:21-33
 
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Josheb

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My husband told me we needed to see if we were happier with each other in December and go from there....
Hi Carrico,

There's a lot to unpack in that post. However, let me suggest there is a simple way to approach this: Clearly your husband is unhappy!

So start right there. I think you'll find two problems will almost instantly arise: 1) you'll have difficulty just listening and just hearing what he says because he report will contain a lot of blaming, and a lot of "facts" with which you'll disagree. Hard to be quiet and listen in that situation. 2) He won't be very articulate or self-disclosing. He'll put a lot of his report on you (or others) and not share what he is thinking, feeling, hoping, or reaching for.

So....... spend some time preparing yourself for that conversation before broaching it. I recommend reading the book "Boundaries Face to Face" by Henry Cloud. It's a fast read and contains very practical steps or improving communication. It will help you to be less reactive to aggravating content in your husband's report and better manage triggers. Then once read, and contemplated approach your husband with this single expectation in mind: "He won't do a very good job explaining himself and he and I will have to have another "session" between the two of us so I need to work on just listening for now."

Then, keep it short. Maybe set a quiet timer for 30-45 minutes or set the conversation with a clock behind him so you can wrap things up before emotions begin to unravel. Ask him, "Could you let me know where you're unhappy?" Something broad and open-ended that lets him define it go where he wants. Paraphrase what you hear periodically and when you either think you understand or find yourself feeling either tense or overwhelmed with too much information. Ask questions only for the purpose of better understanding and try to avoid Socratic debate. When time is up conclude with, "Thank you for sharing all that. Can we take a break now so I can give some thought to what I've heard? Can we talk about this more Thursday night?" (pick a time two, maybe three, days later. Long enough to give each of you time to process but not long enough to forget.

I think you'll find he's changed much of his thinking and all he needed was a listening ear. He'll likely return with either changed views or a course for change that keeps you two married. And he'll be appreciative and maybe unwittingly say he wishes you'd do more of that (resist the passive aggressive bait ;)). Whether he figures things out or not there's a chance he might recognize the benefit (use the word "benefit," not "need") of pastoral or professional counseling.

I did read somethings in the op that give me concern, but nothing that was unsolvable. One of the posters noted the possibility of a personality disorder and there is some evidence of that in the op but for now the firmer ground to stand upon is the likelihood of stunted development. Basic stages he's not yet worked through.

If you do this, then post a new, separate op on what happened and message me of its existence. There are some serious but solvable concerns that warrant courage, fortitude, and patience if you're going to make needed changes (individually or maritally). I'll provide what advice and recommendation I can given the limits of cyberspace (and never having met either of you).
 
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carrico

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Hi Carrico,

There's a lot to unpack in that post. However, let me suggest there is a simple way to approach this: Clearly your husband is unhappy!

So start right there. I think you'll find two problems will almost instantly arise: 1) you'll have difficulty just listening and just hearing what he says because he report will contain a lot of blaming, and a lot of "facts" with which you'll disagree. Hard to be quiet and listen in that situation. 2) He won't be very articulate or self-disclosing. He'll put a lot of his report on you (or others) and not share what he is thinking, feeling, hoping, or reaching for.

So....... spend some time preparing yourself for that conversation before broaching it. I recommend reading the book "Boundaries Face to Face" by Henry Cloud. It's a fast read and contains very practical steps or improving communication. It will help you to be less reactive to aggravating content in your husband's report and better manage triggers. Then once read, and contemplated approach your husband with this single expectation in mind: "He won't do a very good job explaining himself and he and I will have to have another "session" between the two of us so I need to work on just listening for now."

Then, keep it short. Maybe set a quiet timer for 30-45 minutes or set the conversation with a clock behind him so you can wrap things up before emotions begin to unravel. Ask him, "Could you let me know where you're unhappy?" Something broad and open-ended that lets him define it go where he wants. Paraphrase what you hear periodically and when you either think you understand or find yourself feeling either tense or overwhelmed with too much information. Ask questions only for the purpose of better understanding and try to avoid Socratic debate. When time is up conclude with, "Thank you for sharing all that. Can we take a break now so I can give some thought to what I've heard? Can we talk about this more Thursday night?" (pick a time two, maybe three, days later. Long enough to give each of you time to process but not long enough to forget.

I think you'll find he's changed much of his thinking and all he needed was a listening ear. He'll likely return with either changed views or a course for change that keeps you two married. And he'll be appreciative and maybe unwittingly say he wishes you'd do more of that (resist the passive aggressive bait ;)). Whether he figures things out or not there's a chance he might recognize the benefit (use the word "benefit," not "need") of pastoral or professional counseling.

I did read somethings in the op that give me concern, but nothing that was unsolvable. One of the posters noted the possibility of a personality disorder and there is some evidence of that in the op but for now the firmer ground to stand upon is the likelihood of stunted development. Basic stages he's not yet worked through.

If you do this, then post a new, separate op on what happened and message me of its existence. There are some serious but solvable concerns that warrant courage, fortitude, and patience if you're going to make needed changes (individually or maritally). I'll provide what advice and recommendation I can given the limits of cyberspace (and never having met either of you).

Thank you. This is very helpful. Your tips and pointers are very reasonable and are in a calm approach. Sometimes I just get so over it, I can fly off the handle because I'm exhausted with his ways. We did spend a lot of time together today and yesterday. He seems really happy. We also talked a little and he is very sorry and so am I.
 
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carrico

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Ok, I read some posts but not all and may have got the wrong idea. From what you've said in this post I would say that is at least borderline abuse. The fact you nearly puked on yourself with worry, the ignoring, etc. I'd say you should try to talk to someone about it. Maybe not someone who knows him as well, the pastor of another church could be a good option, or if you feel comfortable with your own pastor speak to them. what do other people who know like your mom say? I dont want to know, but do they thnk its a good idea to stay? Both sides have biblical responsibilities and it doesnt sound like he is living up to his part Ephesians 5:21-33

Goodness. I hit a barrier in a drive thru. It was one of those moments where you couldn't believe what just happened. I was avoiding the silly think and still hit it. I pulled into a parking spot to eat. Trying to stay calm, I couldn't. I sat my food on the dash and I just started to cry. Then I started breathing hard freaking out and I thought I was going to throw up. I had to calm myself down fast because I didn't have the time, so I just calmed down best I could. Ate. Went to my mechanic to pay for my car and he tried to see what he could do for that place on the truck bc I thought I was going to just let my husband find it himself. When he got home, I didn't tell him since his behavior sucks when he gets home. Later on after we picked my car up, I showed him and I was balling my eyes again before telling him. I'm always so afraid he's going to be mad at me. He's not even the mad type. He's the type who just wont talk to you. He told me he wasn't mad over the truck. Then he huffed and puffed in the house for 30 min and came back downstairs and laughed at me. He also made a joke about it yesterday and it set off that panic in me- I thought he was mad about it. Maybe I am too busy looking for perfect. He even said he didn't know why I would think he would be mad. I don't know what kind of person im getting when he gets home, so yeah, I was nervous as a cat! I tell my mom everything. She told me itll probably work out. We are working on it. It's been pretty good this weekend, but that doesn't mean I will have that sweet version one my husband tomorrow through Thursday.
 
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