The Excuse Game

By leaving it unfinished, I allow your imagination to complete my thought in the manner of fullness, rhethorical flourish and

Let us make an impassioned plea

I prefer making dispassionate demands.

Can you teach me better etiquette?

I certainly cannot. The art of labelling, both socially and mundanely, is far too complex. Do you even know the proper font to use for a placeholder before Armistice day in a non-Commonwealth country? I thought not.

Now, back to the slums with you, ragamuffin.

The slums won't have me. Said I'm too ragamuffiny.

Hi! I'm from AT&T! Would you like switch your phone service?

I do no hold wið using such signs like 'A' or 'T,' for my religious vows. T looks cross-like, while A refers meþinks John's vision ending þe Bible's books.

Use þ & ð, for such is more English.

I can't. It's a keyboard limitation. Besides, it strikes me as κοπρεῖος.

Help me parse this existential crises we call "2020."

That's easy. Worldwide pandemic, leaders trampling on the rule of law, worldwide riots and burning cities - just think of it as the opening chapter of an exciting science fiction novel!

Help me start a militia.

The word you are looking for is a gang or protection racket. Militia usually defend the community.

Help me distill some moonshine.

I can't. I'm way too busy to tell you it's all about the sugar and yeast. The rest is just filler. Corn, potatoes, rice. Just add a little barley and who cares? Yeast and sugar. Anyway, I'm sorry I can't help you.

Help me get out of these backwoods.

I can't. I am fairly certain only the backwoods exist and the rest of the world is merely a story or a sinister cabal dreamed up bybmy nefarious neighbours, the Hendersons, who stole my pig and moved the boundary marker in my grandpappy's day.

Shovel some coal into the burner, it is getting chilly.

No, shivering builds character.

Why don't you come with me on a magic carpet ride?

"I know your sort. Pretend to be a prince and all to sweep me off my feet, then next moment some sorcerer whisks me away while you turn back into some beggar. No thank you, I'll wait for my father to arrange a good political match to help cement our rule in Sbzvakavia like a good girl."

Take it away, I don't want it anymore.

You sure you want me to take "it" away? "It's" a very frequently used word. I dare say you'd struggle to use the English language without "it". How about I take away "supralapsarianism"? It's rarely used, and it's long and unwieldy. You can go anywhere without needing that word - cocktail parties, birthdays, funerals (especially funerals!). Plus it signifies a kinda lousy idea.


Uh oh. Will you loan me your parachute?

Why did I say "uh-oh"? Oh, no reason. Just, um, a bit of verbal filler I suppose. Everything's fine. The airplane is perfectly fine. Just hand me your chute, quick please!

I'm sorry, I can't. But I do have this survival backpack. It feels very much like a parachute when you're wearing it and it has everything you might need to survive until the end.

Will you hold my gun while I put this money in a bag?

public hermit said:

...everything you might need to survive until the end.

Click to expand...

Until the end? How nice of you to offer me a snack as I plummet to my death.

Will you hold my gun while I put this money in a bag?

Click to expand...

Depends. Are you asking me this question while we're in your home, or standing in front of a bank teller?

Please make a statue of me.

There are laws against public indecency, I am afraid.

Can you help me move this vaguely 70kg elongated bag to the boot of my car in the dead of night?

Nope. Last I looked, you car was wearing high heels and a sun hat instead of boots and a bonnet.

Let's practice for the PDC Darts Championship!

I'm sorry, I can't. I have to report two serious crimes (armed robbery and murder)to the police!

Can you help me find the contact information of the local police stations?

Look, I'd love to, but MI6 and the CIA are already sniffing around on why I take so many holiday snaps near military installations; and my odd practice of hanging around park benches talking to myself while there are definitely no shady characters around.

Burn this communication after reading.

Done. I've burned it. Burned it to CD (and am offering it to the highest bidder between MI6 and the CIA).

Will you help me learn to ride a bike?