Mutually In Love

turkle · Jun 15, 2020

I really applaud you for your resolve to go about this the right way. That is a good way to start out, and very difficult to continue without absolute dedication.

I caution you, however, about love. It takes time to develop real love. You have to know the person extremely well, including all of their faults and weaknesses. Those things don't emerge early in a relationship because you are inevitably doing your best to impress the other. Until you've endured hardships and difficulties together, you don't know how the other will respond. You need to know these things in order to make a wise choice for the future.

I think you had it right when you thought of remaining friends. That is very wise, because you can allow the relationship to develop slowly. If you look, you can find hundreds of stories of people who were convinced they were in love, and then jumped into a long term relationship that turned into a disaster.

One thing to remember: Love can wait. Lust will not.

chevyontheriver · Jun 15, 2020

EnriqueNye said:
I posted this on the prayer wall first because I could not find a good forum to post it in, but I am not very smart and I completely forgot about this one.

I was texting this girl from my church that I had not known overly well a little while back and at one point in the conversation it came out to where we both confessed that we had been crushing on each other for like the last 4-5 months. Which would normally be awesome, you go out on some dates and have a relationship if that goes well... etc, etc. The problem is we both resolved to be single for 2020 back in January :/ We texted a lot and talked for hours over the phone about ourselves and we have an insane amount of stuff in common. Like even the little details. I will spare you from a long list but as just an example, both our dads have the same story where the first time they went to an Asian buffet they thought the wasabi was guacamole.

At first we thought we would be friends for now and get to know each other. We cannot actually see each other in person at the moment because she lives about an hour away and spends the school year where I am, attending the same church and going to school here. She attends the church during breaks and summer by watching the services. After a few hours of just talking we realized we were in love. So I said maybe we should call each other boyfriend and girlfriend and date like Christians, which as the world would see it these days, you are friends, but you call each other boyfriend and girlfriend. And that if you are not married, you are single according to God. I told her maybe I could drive down to where she is occasionally and we could spend a day together or go on dates, stuff like that.

She is very concerned about lusting after me. I actually used to have a huge problem with lust but with her, I just value her way more than to go down that path with her. I definitely have sexual desires for her but I am keeping them under control and not even speaking about them or thinking about them. Yesterday she started to lust after me, like saying sexual stuff in texts. I kept telling her that we have to keep that in marriage, and eventually she came back and said she felt so ashamed about herself and guilty. I told her that those sexual desires are not wrong to have, and that they are God given. That they are natural for someone you love. They just have to be contained in the context of marriage. She seemed to think that all she had for me was lust which was wrong, and I said that it was love because she has both attraction and affection for me, but I don't know if she understanding me or not yet.

I had previously explained everything that was going on to the young adult pastor at our church, how we both were definitely in love but both on a period of singleness. And he said what I said that you are single unless you are married, so we can totally date no problem and in November we should do premarital counseling, and move the relationship forward. The problem with that is I don't think I could realistically get married for another year, and she does not think she could get married for 2. So in regards to that, it is not like we can just get married to take care of the sexual desires that are between us. She is also meeting with the pastor's wife over zoom to talk about lust and everything going on.

I guess the biggest issue here is we are too in love, but don't know what to do with it all. Part of me feels we should scale back our expectations until we can see each other in person regularly. I don't know what that entails, I was hoping maybe someone had a recommendation or advice. She also feels that maybe we have to be entirely single for the rest of the year like we bot resolved too but we don't know how we would deal with our desire and love for each other. I guess I don't want to have it where we are too far apart and then when whatever period we agree to ends we might have grown apart or something like that. I really just need a lot of prayer and advice for this. Thanks.

I see you found the advise forum. Leaving the other post where it is will be fine. But here we can share ideas.

My idea is that unless you both vowed to God to be single through 2020 that you are not bound to have to remain single the whole year. If you vowed it, stick with the vows. If not, perhaps you found each other while not looking and you should act on it.

Many churches ask you to go through a time of preparation anyhow that can go for months. So you may not be able to be married in 2020 anyway, even if you commit to each other now, as their preparations take some time. I know, because I assisted my parish in marriage preparation.

Here's what I think you ought to do. Ask some trusted people, pastors and faithful friends, whether they think you should marry. There is a pre-marital inventory you can take that has a zillion questions and unearths strengths and weaknesses. You can look at the results and then decide whether it is a green light, a yellow light, or maybe even a red light. If it's a green light then 'go'.

Lots of people wait too long to marry. They stretch 'just friends' out for way too long. It may be good to look carefully, consult carefully, and then jump. Start a family and make some babies. Waiting is overrated.

bèlla · Jun 15, 2020

How much time have you spent in each other’s company face-to-face? You mention texts, calls, and a mutual crush. But relationships require solid ground and practical aims. It appears emotion is a big part of your connection. That has a place. But it can’t be the bedrock.

Why do you love her? How will you reconcile the time apart given your interactions? Lust was inevitable. Especially if emotion is your only recourse. You need to slow down and build a solid foundation. You must experience one another outside of technology to glimpse the imperfections distance can minimize.

I love my companion. But that didn’t happen overnight. I’ve known him for years. I can list practical reasons why I love him that aren’t related to feelings. When he addressed marriage he laid everything on the table. Including his finances. He inquired if I could see myself living the life he presented.

Our agreement couldn’t hinge on emotion. We needed complementary gifts and talents and a shared mission that revealed its harmony without sweet nothings. Feelings rise and fall like the weather. You need a stabilizing force in the connection that’s greater than the heart on practical and spiritual planes.

For me, that begins with God. How is the person drawing me closer to Him? How am I bettered by his presence? What can we accomplish for the kingdom together that we couldn’t do alone? If you put Him in the forefront you won’t struggle with lust or get carried away with emotion.

How are you in a period of singleness and in love? Why would God do that? That’s confusing. Friendship isn’t exclusive. You’re blurring the lines. You’ve stoked the fire and can’t sate it for 2 years. Anything could happen.

I would address the singleness issue and develop the connection. You aren’t friends and she’s in college. Holding out for two years with limited interaction may be too much to ask.

~Bella

EnriqueNye · Jun 15, 2020

LaBèlla said:
How much time have you spent in each other’s company face-to-face? You mention texts, calls, and a mutual crush. But relationships require solid ground and practical aims. It appears emotion is a big part of your connection. That has a place. But it can’t be the bedrock.

Why do you love her? How will you reconcile the time apart given your interactions? Lust was inevitable. Especially if emotion is your only recourse. You need to slow down and build a solid foundation. You must experience one another outside of technology to glimpse the imperfections distance can minimize.

I love my companion. But that didn’t happen overnight. I’ve known him for years. I can list practical reasons why I love him that aren’t related to feelings. When he addressed marriage he laid everything on the table. Including his finances. He inquired if I could see myself living the life he presented.

Our agreement couldn’t hinge on emotion. We needed complementary gifts and talents and a shared mission that revealed its harmony without sweet nothings. Feelings rise and fall like the weather. You need a stabilizing force in the connection that’s greater than the heart on practical and spiritual planes.

For me, that begins with God. How is the person drawing me closer to Him? How am I bettered by his presence? What can we accomplish for the kingdom together that we couldn’t do alone? If you put Him in the forefront you won’t struggle with lust or get carried away with emotion.

How are you in a period of singleness and in love? Why would God do that? That’s confusing. Friendship isn’t exclusive. You’re blurring the lines. You’ve stoked the fire and can’t sate it for 2 years. Anything could happen.

I would address the singleness issue and develop the connection. You aren’t friends and she’s in college. Holding out for two years with limited interaction may be too much to ask.

~Bella

That is very true and helpful, what would you recommend instead of holding out for 2 years?

Albion · Jun 15, 2020

Hi, Enrique.

Did you ever watch the TV show "Catfish?" I don't mean to suggest that you're being Catfished, but from what you've written, you two have never been in the same room together and yet you think you're in love.

Here's what I'd suggest--and I don't at all want to suggest that the feelings aren't real or that there is no future for you two or anything like that.

Since you have a real opportunity to be together with her in the near future, keep on the same long distance wave length that has worked for you for a couple more months. Then arrange to meet. If it goes well, get together periodically and date. Movies, county fairs, campus activities, etc.

SEE HOW YOUR FEELINGS DEVELOP over the following few months. They might wither, for all we know. But assuming that they do not, become real bf and gf without any stretching of the truth. DO NOT go in for any counseling, etc. It's way premature for anything like that. Even engagement is a way off, if truth be told. But if you take it all in steps, your relationship may well prosper and I hope it does.

Impatience is the hobgoblin of young love.

EnriqueNye · Jun 15, 2020

I am not being catfished haha, we have been in the same room before, we just have been apart since confessing we liked each other. But I think that is a good idea.

Renata8 · Jun 15, 2020

This is so sweet. I suggest you all take it one day at a time, go out in groups, hang out, have fun, meet each others families, go build some houses for humanity together or something, too tired to even think about lust

Keep bonding, stay close, stay very close, pour your energy together into making memories, give as much as you can to others in your community, feed the homeless together, serve in your church and surround yourself with like-minded couples and supportive family members. Pray in times of weakness. Do what you can and God will do what you can't xx

Albion · Jun 15, 2020

EnriqueNye said:
I am not being catfished haha, we have been in the same room before, we just have been apart since confessing we liked each other.

So you two HAVE actually seen each other in person, been together, talked face to face?! You see, the original post didn't seem to say that this was the case. But since it is...your confidence about the future makes more sense to us.

bèlla · Jun 15, 2020

EnriqueNye said:
That is very true and helpful, what would you recommend instead of holding out for 2 years?

Long distance connections can work. I’ve had my share (including internationally) and I’m in one now.

Absence makes the heart fonder. Its easy to slip into the mode of fantasy and feeding the hunger within. I’m not referencing sexuality. But the genuine longing for togetherness.

Make peace with the fact it won’t go away. Some periods its stronger than others. This is a consequence of separation. You need healthy forms of bonding in its place. For example:

Prayer. You should pray for one another and may want to have a weekly time of prayer together. Share your burdens and requests. This does wonders for the heart and keeps it centered on wholesome topics.
Study or devotionals. Warren Wiersbe covered the bible and has a study guide and commentary for every book. You can explore the word together or choose a devotional.
Christian books and films. Watch and read them together.
Secular books and films. The same applies.
Shared meals. Grab your favorites from the same chain or choose a theme instead. I’ve done wine and cheese a lot.
Inspirational messages and encouraging words. Share them liberally. Especially, those that resonate with you or ones you feel would be of assistance to her.
Q & A. This is fun. I’ve used current events, relational questions, and spiritual dilemmas as springboards. It provides a lot of insight on their thought process and moral compass.
Shopping. Seriously. Load a site. She won’t forget.
Window Shopping. Real estate, clothes, furnishings, etc.
Game of Faves. Food, music, etc. Take turns exploring the other’s passions and interests.
Gratitude practices and spiritual disciplines.
Online games.

You get the idea. It keeps the mind occupied and provides an avenue for greater engagement. I’ve exchanged hand written letters, journaled, and shared my gratitude practice and meals (via photo). Skype is your friend.

Be open to the possibility of changing your timeline. God may have different plans. If you set your mind on what you can do at this time you’re less likely to get caught up in snares. You’ll develop a depth in your connection.

You’re talking about spending your life together. It won’t be euphoric. Grounding will help you keep your balance.

~Bella

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Mutually In Love

EnriqueNye

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turkle

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chevyontheriver

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bèlla

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EnriqueNye

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Albion

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EnriqueNye

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Renata8

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Albion

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bèlla

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