- Jun 13, 2020
- 2
- 9
- 33
- Country
- United Kingdom
- Faith
- Christian
- Marital Status
- Engaged
Morning Everyone, My names Jessica.
I suppose Im looking for some kind words or advice if there is any of a topic like this.
Im feeling so low and upset about this, and I just dont know what to do about it to help myself cope.
Ive suffered with nightmares most of my life. I suffered sexual and physical abuse from members of my own family when I was a child. Growing up I self-harmed from about the age of 11 right up to I was 22. I started coming to terms with what had happened in my late twenties and started getting help.
I was brought up in a non-religious family, my mother openly mocked the faith and the church to me growing up. Naturally in my mind I thought it was all nonsence and was a system to control people with rules.
I met my partner when I was 26, hes changed my life for the better with unconditional love. He is Catholic and we attended church together. I started praying in church and when I felt anxious at night when alone and had instant relief. Something I never had before ever.
Since then Ive had Angels visit me in dreams, and when I'm in the darkness and scared I am then surrounded by light from above protecting me. Life seemed to completely turn around for me for the first time I felt happy, content and loved by god and my partner.
My mother had always been physically abusive to me growing up, she was an alcoholic which would make things so much worse as you can imagine. I had always had one memory when I was probably around 7 of her getting into bed with me and trying to sexually abuse me. I convinced myself growing up that it was something I had made up or got confused about. This made me feel uncomfortable with her touching me at any time growing up, even for a cuddle. Through my teens when she would drink heavily, she would be all over me running her hands over me at Family parties and other would often comment on this. She would always say she was affectionate and loved me so much.
Our relationship was always bad, there would be years I would run away and not seeing her in my teens and then we would be in contact again on and off. When I was 27 she reached out to me and wanted to make things work, said she was working on her drink problem.
A year on after from in contact with her, it became all about trying to help her get off drinking. Episode after episode without any progress of her getting better, I thought maybe now Im older there might be a light at the end of the tunnel with it. She confided in me that her older brother had sexually abused her (he had also abused me) which made me feel like I could relate and wanted to help so much more.
Last year she had been out drinking and returned home, she came into a room I was in and pushed me on the bed. She tried pulling my top off and kept trying to put her hands down my skirt I was wearing, Kept telling me how sexy I was that she wanted to sleep with me.
It was like everything clicked in my head, I knew my memory was real and that all my life that uncomfortable feeling I had was for a reason. I just didnt have the proof to see it for what it was. I blocked it out because I wanted so bad to have a mum that loved me.
I moved in with my partner and have cut her off completely since last July 2019.
After being in therapy for years to deal with the abuse from other family members, I felt like id turned a page and closed that book for good. Now Im having a nightmare almost every other night, it always involves demons and her trying to hurt me.
Im praying almost everyone night for protection and help but its just grinding me down.
I just dont know what else I can do, or that what Im doing wrong.
Im sorry If this was hard to read for anything, I know how triggering it can be for anyone who has suffered anything like this. Just I find it hard to talk those around me about this beause I feel guilty that they have to hear it all the time. I dont want to be negative.
I suppose Im looking for some kind words or advice if there is any of a topic like this.
Im feeling so low and upset about this, and I just dont know what to do about it to help myself cope.
Ive suffered with nightmares most of my life. I suffered sexual and physical abuse from members of my own family when I was a child. Growing up I self-harmed from about the age of 11 right up to I was 22. I started coming to terms with what had happened in my late twenties and started getting help.
I was brought up in a non-religious family, my mother openly mocked the faith and the church to me growing up. Naturally in my mind I thought it was all nonsence and was a system to control people with rules.
I met my partner when I was 26, hes changed my life for the better with unconditional love. He is Catholic and we attended church together. I started praying in church and when I felt anxious at night when alone and had instant relief. Something I never had before ever.
Since then Ive had Angels visit me in dreams, and when I'm in the darkness and scared I am then surrounded by light from above protecting me. Life seemed to completely turn around for me for the first time I felt happy, content and loved by god and my partner.
My mother had always been physically abusive to me growing up, she was an alcoholic which would make things so much worse as you can imagine. I had always had one memory when I was probably around 7 of her getting into bed with me and trying to sexually abuse me. I convinced myself growing up that it was something I had made up or got confused about. This made me feel uncomfortable with her touching me at any time growing up, even for a cuddle. Through my teens when she would drink heavily, she would be all over me running her hands over me at Family parties and other would often comment on this. She would always say she was affectionate and loved me so much.
Our relationship was always bad, there would be years I would run away and not seeing her in my teens and then we would be in contact again on and off. When I was 27 she reached out to me and wanted to make things work, said she was working on her drink problem.
A year on after from in contact with her, it became all about trying to help her get off drinking. Episode after episode without any progress of her getting better, I thought maybe now Im older there might be a light at the end of the tunnel with it. She confided in me that her older brother had sexually abused her (he had also abused me) which made me feel like I could relate and wanted to help so much more.
Last year she had been out drinking and returned home, she came into a room I was in and pushed me on the bed. She tried pulling my top off and kept trying to put her hands down my skirt I was wearing, Kept telling me how sexy I was that she wanted to sleep with me.
It was like everything clicked in my head, I knew my memory was real and that all my life that uncomfortable feeling I had was for a reason. I just didnt have the proof to see it for what it was. I blocked it out because I wanted so bad to have a mum that loved me.
I moved in with my partner and have cut her off completely since last July 2019.
After being in therapy for years to deal with the abuse from other family members, I felt like id turned a page and closed that book for good. Now Im having a nightmare almost every other night, it always involves demons and her trying to hurt me.
Im praying almost everyone night for protection and help but its just grinding me down.
I just dont know what else I can do, or that what Im doing wrong.
Im sorry If this was hard to read for anything, I know how triggering it can be for anyone who has suffered anything like this. Just I find it hard to talk those around me about this beause I feel guilty that they have to hear it all the time. I dont want to be negative.
