Give "Bad" Advice (3)

You have got to overload the system. Drink copious amounts of coffee and energy drinks, while intensely watching seizure-inducing strobe lights.

How can I claim the grand isle of Rockall, renowned for being Rockall and having a full measure of Rockall.

Challenge Queen Elizabeth to arm wrestle you for it. I think you can take her.

How can I catch more fish when fishing?

Dynamite. It's a guaranteed catch, just watch for the short fuse.

I'm bored. How can I make life a blast?

It is a bit involved, so bear with me: we must first define your life as your sphere of interest, and thus we can apply the ancient meaning of Province to it. Then, we directly translate to Russian, which you need to pronounce with a horrible accent. There you go: Life is oblast.

How can I convince the Commonwealth to rejoin the Empire?

Quid est Veritas? said:

It is a bit involved, so bear with me: we must first define your life as your sphere of interest, and thus we can apply the ancient meaning of Province to it. Then, we directly translate to Russian, which you need to pronounce with a horrible accent. There you go: Life is oblast.

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Well that was impressive. Terribly convoluted, but actually impressive for its convolution.

How can I convince the Commonwealth to rejoin the Empire?

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You need to sell the idea with infomercial techniques. After extolling to them all the benefits of empire (which I'll leave to you; they don't come readily to mind for me), you then say "BUT WAIT, THERE'S MORE! Everyone who rejoins the Empire also gets a free set of steak knives!" [Attractive smiling lady shows the Commonwealth some knives.] "AND! if you rejoin within the next 30 minutes, you'll also get this handy kitchen gadget which is so incredibly new and revolutionary, no one seems to know what it is or what it does!"



I think my pet hamster doesn't respect me.

Respect needs to be earned. As Macchiavelli taught, respect flows from fear. Jump out at your hamster from the shadows, with frightening masks and holding various predators, like cats or owls. Randomly switch lights on at all hours of the day and night. Force feed it chillies every now and then. Attach an electric motor to its hamster wheel. Pretty soon it will quake in its little cage, and while it is shuddering in the corner, you can bask in the reflected respect.

How can I convince the Hague tribunal that I had nothing to do with it.

You just tell them you had nothing to do with it. The truth doesn't matter. Just keep telling them what you want them to hear. It works. Trust us.

How can I have faith in humanity once again?

Just take up some symbol of humanity in general, or some system of human activity like science or politics, and set it up as a god. Worship it, by enforcing allegiance to its precepts as truth, dialectic or fact. Tirelessly spread its texts, and if necessary, sacrifice members of humanity to its manmade god, for some presumed greater goal of the whole. Pretty soon we can all chant in unison, how humanitarian we all are, and celebrate our Faith.

How can I go outside with all these microscopic beasties out to kill me?

Wear garlic around your neck. It's been scientifically proven to ward off viruses. Or vampires, or something. I forget. Just try it.

How can I win an argument for once?

Hope that the policeman's fellow officers tell him to get his knee off your throat so you can explain your side of things.

Gimme a fair jury trial.

The point of a jury trial, is supposed to be that it be a trial by your peers. Where are we supposed to find 12 other odd, nameless weirdos? I think the best you can hope for is a group of 12 that are slightly off.

How best to educate my children during the pandemic?

Go with the John Locke program - make them wear thin, leaky shoes.

How can I participate in a riot and burn down my city while still adhering to proper social distancing guidelines?

Wait three weeks. You can do it by yourself while all the other rioters and protesters (yes, I know these are two different groups) are at home with the Covid.

How can I become more compassionate, while also being less worried?

public hermit said:

Wait three weeks. You can do it by yourself while all the other rioters and protesters (yes, I know these are two different groups) are at home with the Covid.

How can I become more compassionate, while also being less worried?

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Get back into the trees you foolish monkeys and bring the bananas with you.

My advice to you is don't try to follow the rules. You play however you want, and we will adjust accordingly.

How can I find the rules to this game?

Use a search engine named AskJeeves to look for the rules.

I think a guy named Jason is trying to fleece me. Is this a golden opportunity for me to ask my neighbors to rough him up a bit?

I wouldn't. He has a bunch of toughs with him, and one dude carries a massive club. Heard he killed a bunch of guys, maybe even his own kids! Psychopath if you ask me. They are a bit dodgy, with some weird musician talking about death and going down to hell. They even have a floozy following another girl's man around. Steer clear, I say. Rather go visit all those nice women hanging around the woods, with that nice kid with the excellent booze.

I seem to have inadvertently challenged some crazy blond bigshot to a lyre contest, and word is the last guy got skinned.

When the time comes to meet the challenge, rip off all your clothes. Diversion is your best bet. "Get skinned, before they skin you!" That's what I say.

My eyes have seen things I don't ever want to see again. What should I do?

Pluck them out. While you're at it, cut off a hand as well!

Regular life seems so mundane after weeks at the beach. How can I make things more interesting?

Sand and water are fairly cheap commodities, you can just fill your house and garden with a bit of both. Voila, you now have a house on the beach and life is amazing.

Was the question of what to do with a drunken sailor ever resolved?