From what you have written, it appears behave flirtatiously and invite flirtation.
Well I don't disagree that I invite it. I absolutely do. But as I have mentioned there have been worship leaders wives playing the game with me. So it's mixed signals. I think girls don't even seem to try to avoid flirting. I see men, Godly men refraining from it. But I don't see Godly women doing it. Well I take that back I do see some 'Real Godly women' avoiding flirting. And that I respect, absolutely and desire to emulate for sure. That is why I actually created this thread. It is a behaviour that I have, and I have owned it. I just need that little extra prayer support to make it last. It's a addiction. It's literally something I struggled with ever since I was like 16 years old. So I understand making the change. So it's important for me to ignore all those volumes of luke warm christians, and unsaved for that matter women who simply desire attention. Even at the cost of appearing arrogant or mean. I don't desire that outcome and am fighting to do this civilly. But I don't see a way to do so w/o just cutting off from those women. Am I right? I am not friends, but I still see them looking and desiring attention from me a married christian man. And with a reputation for Godliness in my church. I am really raw here, and confess my deepest darkest flaws. I don't even get this transparent with my best friends, but that is why I like the internet. You can get accountability from anonymous people.
I have spent all of my life in Christian circles and there is nowhere near the amount of flirting and extended eye contact you are describing in normal interactions.
I see ALL THE TIME. Almost every day TBH. Girls are typically good about staring, but I have noticed in the past if I stare, they will stare too. So I just don't do it. Instead of that awkward stage, where someone is thinking "I wonder if this attractive person will notice me." I will usually just nod politely and wave or what not. Like today I seen that coworker girl that is real attractive, and she was just like staring at me while I was working, I ignored it. Then later walking to the restroom we ran into each other, and I just did that, I nodded and gave a polite wave. That way she knows, that I am not being rude, I am just distancing myself from her from anything other than just acquaintances from work.
Chalking it up to your "personality" or "who you are" is inexcusable. Your flirtations are not personality flaws, they are behavioral choices. You can CHOOSE to protect your wife and family by stopping the flirting.
well it's important with all addiction to check your roots, In fact I am reading a book about sexual addiction. This is not really that involved. But it still offers many suggestions about seeing how you were raised. For example a young boy who had an overbearing mother, that rarely was affectionate with him, will often seek affection from woman as an adult. There a hosts of studies on this. I am not saying that is why I do what I do. But I would not separate my actions now from my personality or the way I was raised, but use that as a leverage point to conquer any flaws in my character.
Observe how non-flirtatious men behave and emulate them.
I think this is a good idea. I wish there were more Godly men that I was friends with in my church. I have like two good friends right now, but with church basically being closed I don't interact with them too often. But I will seek them out more.
Second point about the coffee time: It's important to separate quality time from work/complaining time. Quality time together needs to be entirely focused on meeting each other's emotional needs and making love bank deposits.
I think sometimes she is riddled with stress, so coffee time that is meaningful to her, means lessening her load. and that happens to be on me. So coffee time to me, instead of just for an intimate moment, seems to be more of a 'to do list.' time.
Invite your wife for some quality visiting time over coffee. Let her know you want to spend some nice time visiting together, and if she has some work projects to suggest for you, she could make a list later that morning and give it to you then.
I think more quality time would be good.
When my husband and I schedule dates, we both understand these dates are not the time to discuss unpleasant topics but are time to enjoy each other's company.
I am not a talker really. I talk online, but not in person. I am actually a VERY QUIET PERSON. Awkwardly quiet TBH. But online I can be more of myself. So when we are together, I don't talk much.
We compartmentalize the mundane and anything that's stressful for a time other than our dates.
thats a good idea. I just think that my wife needs someone to listen to her hard days, and to have someone to unload on. But unfortunately when someone's love language is gifts of service, and I am not a huge labor day and night type of Guy. I am sort of lazy to be honest. I realize that about myself. But in realizing I would rather do things the easy way that the labor intensive way, I also do some intelligent things as well. Like at work I am known for being lazy, but smart. So I am valuable as an intelligent person, just not one to do something fast or what not. But to a wife that has brothers and a father that loves to construct houses from scratch, build furniture, and make projects at home all the time, I am not that type of person. So she sort of feals decieved, she thought every man loves to do housework. And I don't really. But I have been doing more lately, but just because I noticed she was sad, because she has gifts of service as her love language, she literally does not think I love her when I don't do stuff around the house. So I built some raised gardens for her last week, and installed a new toilet in a bathroom for her, had to grind out the old steel flange, it took several days.
This allows us to enjoy recreational companionship, intimate conversation and affection for a date (we try to schedule at least 3 hours together) without fear of being blindsided with something that wrecks our pleasure in each other. At the end of spending 3+ fun hours together, we're usually both eager for more of each other's company, privately. When you're married, this is the way dating works, ideally. You can invite her on activities that are gently active (according to her capabilities), because activity tends to generate more endorphins, which generates more enjoyment and more love bank deposits.
we have a third leg any time we go out. We have an autistic son, that is a teen. And the only baby sitters we have is a teenage daughter who is too young to baby sit someone that is bigger than her physically, and we have our older mother in law, who can't handle him if he throws a tantrum. Me and his mom know how to hold him, if he tries to kick or punch. No one else in the house is trained in that. So he basically has to be with me or mom. 24 hours a day. If we left him on the couch and did yard work for example, for an hour. We would come back to broken dishes or what not. We have a TV grave yard in our garage. And a cell phone grave yard too. He has broken dozens of devices, dishes. we have spent over 2000 dollars in replaced windows. He kicked my shifter in my car, busting off the windshield washer handle. He is just destructive. So anyway, when we have dates, he has to go on them. But there is something with our medical insurance that allows a baby sitter to come to our house, but again that baby sitter would have to be trained in holds, which is an entirely different category of job. So I guess I can inquire of that. But basically we are never alone.
In your case, you will have some time to build up to the level of wanting additional private connections afterwards, but it can be done, even if you are not attracted to her right now. You need to give her the time and opportunity to make love bank deposits in her account with you. At some point, even if you do not presently find her attractive, the volume of her deposits will cross over the in-love threshhold and you will find yourself in love with her again.
Yeah I think that is good.
However, NONE of this will work if you keep you love bank open to other women by flirting with them. You need to shut that off in your imagination fully and completely...NOW.
Well I basically justify it in my mind. I basically think, well looking is not touching. And I think, if I can get some flirtation in my life, that will take care of the romance void. And that will make me not want to leave. I know it's poor logic. I know it's a lie from the enemy. But basically it's like saying, if I snack a little every day I won't go out and buy that 20 dollar burger.
With respect to your difficulty in being satisfied with where you are presently, let that play out with a restlessness to experience your marriage in a better state and work towards that. You made your decision on your wedding day and it's not fair to your wife that you are thinking (or flirting) with a field of other women.
It also helps me to think that it is not fair to those other women as well, because they are basically being used. I am just using them to fill a need, a void I have in my marriage and I have no intention of following through with it. And so I am basically playing with peoples hearts and hurting them when I turn away from this type of activity. Which I am currently (today and yesterday ) doing.
Wouldn't it be wonderful to be madly in love with your wife and eagerly anticipating your future together?
I pray every day to have more of a love for her.
Let your restless imagination work towards that goal instead of toying with flirtations and ideas that will devastate your family and cause you to loathe yourself.
When I was in russia one year on a mission trip, I was happily dating a young woman who was a manager of a christian book store. And there was a young beautiful woman there in russia. She was gorgeous blonde, with pretty blue eyes, and gorgeous smile. She was sweet as pie too. But I wasn't interested in pursuing or flirting or even entertaining anything to do with her. In fact one day she asked me, she said.... "you act like you have a girl friend back in america?" And I said yes! I know what it's like to be happy. It just was that that relationship was very toxic, she was not a very nice person. And she basically walked all over me for about six months, and treated me as stupid and as just an aweful person. But I loved her, and eventually asked her to marry me, and she sort of laughed at me. Needless to say about a week later, she probably fealt guilty for leading me on, and just broke up with me. But anyway, I was happy. But I wish for that people around me can envy my wife, like that young girl in russia did. How she envied my date. I want people to know I love my wife and am happily married and am not even considering any one else. I want that so much. Some day maybe. It will be restored.
