- Mar 13, 2004
- 18,941
- 1,758
- Country
- United States
- Faith
- Non-Denom
- Marital Status
- Married
Me and my wife have been married for 17 years. We don't fight, we don't argue. And when we do argue it usually my fault. I love her with all my heart. But the physical romance is gone. I am not attracted to her any more. And it's affecting my work relationships and my church relationships. I notice other single women taking notice and it just makes me sad. Again I am content with what I have and would never EVER cheat. But flirting is another story. I have had a hard time in my life balancing being pure, flirting and such....
I say all this because there is a girl at work and she sort of stares at me. Today was the first time I saw here this season at work, and I was sort of excited to see her TBH. I know that is bad. She sort of made the first move. But anyway she sort of flirts and stares. And I have not done the best to refrain from staring back. See at first I just thought she was single. So I was just sort of flirting back. But she is married to one of the employees at work. But I can tell she doesn't honor her marriage, and I was just thrown through a loop today because. I don't honor my own marriage that is for sure. But anyway, It's the start of the season and its about the time where lots of younger women come on premises. Last year I made a resolution that I would stop staring, or flirting with other women at work or at church. And to honor my marriage more. But today when I saw that one girl, it's like the flirting just resumed seamlessly. She is not the only one. I have overcame lots of addictions in the past, over eating, homosexuality, inappropriate contentography, self gratification....but because this is not a consistent thing, it only happens every summer. It's like it shocks me when women try to flirt. Every year I am surprised by it. In fact I got so used to it, that when I see a pretty woman I will wait to see if she stares at me. It's like I have this identity that I need to verify in my mind. "Ok I still got it". But what about this year, will that same hot girl that liked me last year, still like me, or will she be over me. I don't talk to them. I don't flirt like that, it's more subtle. It's just looking repeatedly, and smiling. But I don't think it honors my marriage. I was juggling it in my mind today. Is it wrong, is it not wrong. I am not lusting after them, I am not like.....thinking "hey I want to jump in bed." But I felt guilty and I don't like it. And I want to eradicate it. It's my next goal. I see other men my age, honoring their marriage. And I desire to do the same thing. I fell in love with my wife, and then she gained a bunch of weight. And I still love her very much. But I sort of fell out of romance. Then when pretty woman show interest.....there is an internal struggle. I don't want to divorce and remarry. But my wife can tell that my passion and my love is not as it should be. She says we are like partners, not married couples. So my desire is to come here and see what recommendations you have to spice it up. For mothers day I totally blew it. I BBQ'd some steaks for me and the boys and the mother in law, but my wife doesn't like meat so I BBQ'd some soy dogs for her with zuchini strips. But I was so into the meat that I totally forgot the zuchini. Then because the meat was done first and normally I just feed the boys first. I just did that. But she wanted a dinner together with the family. Something we have not done for years. And I didn't know that. So she cried. And it was that moment, after a long talk with her that I realize that I love her, but she is right, I love her like a partner. Like my sister or my mom, not like my wife. It got the point where she will ask me to do things, and I sort of complain. When we were first married she would say, he can you mow the lawn today, and I would do it no problem. Now I am like, 'well it's 90 out side' maybe tomorrow, or better yet, next week.' I just put stuff off. And I started letting her do stuff, that she never did before. She started doing more of the house chores. Stuff I should be doing. Like vacuuming the pool. She even started scraping the eves and was going to paint the porch. She expected me to stop her and start doing it. But I was totally fine with letting her just do the work. But I recalled, that in my early marriage I would never have done that. I WOULD NEVER HAVE LET THE WIFE OF MY YOUTH VACUUM THE POOL OR PAINT THE EXTERIOR. I would have cherished her and done it. So anyway, she loves me so unconditionally. But her love language is gifts of service. And I begrugingly do many chores. After she talked with me last weekend, a long cry session. I realized that I am not a very good person. I dont seek her out. I never say..."hey lets talk, lets go on a date, lets sit in the back yard and be with each other." I know she is typically mirroring my autistic teen ager so he doesn't break stuff in the house. But I know I have dropped the ball in my marriage. All I know how to do now is just be nice, do things without complaining. And try to love her better. But it breaks my heart that I am breaking her heart and I want to do better. But anyway, some of this comes out when other girls flirt with me. My personal marital problems all come to the surface and temptation looms. She even said. Hey we can stay married for the kids, we don't have to tell them. Just don't cheat on me, and everything will be okay. This is not the first conversation. We have an annual chat like this every year (for the past five). I started watching marital seminars, reading marriage books doing all sorts of stuff. But I have a bad memory and stuff I do is only temporary and it goes back to the old ways. She says normally I will be better for a few days then it's like we never talked. But this time was a different talk. It's like she gave up hope. I just don't know how to be better, other than just doing chores without complaining, and sitting with her and talking with her. I know she likes talking. And we have coffee time whenever we wake up in the morning. And I was tired one day and she was asking me these pivotal details of my day and what I was going to do. And I said...."I am tired, it's not a good time to ask me pivotal details about the day." And I was short with her. and that broke her. Because that was the one thing she said we had left. Coffee time. And I ruined that. So she was like realizing that our marriage was trash, and that was the last thing we had that resembled a good marriage. Again I remember the talks, and I just realized I need to be gentle and do more. I love the computer, and I Would spend hours on it, and not do other things. So I know I can't spend as much time on it. In fact I got out of several debates I was having, because I Think it was taking a told on my attitude toward others, and my wife. But any pointers may be helpful. Sorry such a huge wall of text. you can proceed with all the replies, that you DRTL (didnt' read too long), or that it was a wall of text and that you didn't read or whatever. But I had to let all this out. So thanks for listening.
Oh yeah and me and wife have not had sex for like four or five years. I told her I was starting to feel like I wanted to be romantic with her, and she laughed at me and said something like.... "well you have to treat me better/" I forgot what she said. So I just realize I can't have sex till my marriage is fixed, but my marriage is sort of messed up because I am having a hard time being physically attracted to my wife.
But she is the very sweetest thing in my whole life, she is so sweet and gentle and I would never ever think about being with another person. But anyway. I don't expect any quick fixes I know I have an issue.
I say all this because there is a girl at work and she sort of stares at me. Today was the first time I saw here this season at work, and I was sort of excited to see her TBH. I know that is bad. She sort of made the first move. But anyway she sort of flirts and stares. And I have not done the best to refrain from staring back. See at first I just thought she was single. So I was just sort of flirting back. But she is married to one of the employees at work. But I can tell she doesn't honor her marriage, and I was just thrown through a loop today because. I don't honor my own marriage that is for sure. But anyway, It's the start of the season and its about the time where lots of younger women come on premises. Last year I made a resolution that I would stop staring, or flirting with other women at work or at church. And to honor my marriage more. But today when I saw that one girl, it's like the flirting just resumed seamlessly. She is not the only one. I have overcame lots of addictions in the past, over eating, homosexuality, inappropriate contentography, self gratification....but because this is not a consistent thing, it only happens every summer. It's like it shocks me when women try to flirt. Every year I am surprised by it. In fact I got so used to it, that when I see a pretty woman I will wait to see if she stares at me. It's like I have this identity that I need to verify in my mind. "Ok I still got it". But what about this year, will that same hot girl that liked me last year, still like me, or will she be over me. I don't talk to them. I don't flirt like that, it's more subtle. It's just looking repeatedly, and smiling. But I don't think it honors my marriage. I was juggling it in my mind today. Is it wrong, is it not wrong. I am not lusting after them, I am not like.....thinking "hey I want to jump in bed." But I felt guilty and I don't like it. And I want to eradicate it. It's my next goal. I see other men my age, honoring their marriage. And I desire to do the same thing. I fell in love with my wife, and then she gained a bunch of weight. And I still love her very much. But I sort of fell out of romance. Then when pretty woman show interest.....there is an internal struggle. I don't want to divorce and remarry. But my wife can tell that my passion and my love is not as it should be. She says we are like partners, not married couples. So my desire is to come here and see what recommendations you have to spice it up. For mothers day I totally blew it. I BBQ'd some steaks for me and the boys and the mother in law, but my wife doesn't like meat so I BBQ'd some soy dogs for her with zuchini strips. But I was so into the meat that I totally forgot the zuchini. Then because the meat was done first and normally I just feed the boys first. I just did that. But she wanted a dinner together with the family. Something we have not done for years. And I didn't know that. So she cried. And it was that moment, after a long talk with her that I realize that I love her, but she is right, I love her like a partner. Like my sister or my mom, not like my wife. It got the point where she will ask me to do things, and I sort of complain. When we were first married she would say, he can you mow the lawn today, and I would do it no problem. Now I am like, 'well it's 90 out side' maybe tomorrow, or better yet, next week.' I just put stuff off. And I started letting her do stuff, that she never did before. She started doing more of the house chores. Stuff I should be doing. Like vacuuming the pool. She even started scraping the eves and was going to paint the porch. She expected me to stop her and start doing it. But I was totally fine with letting her just do the work. But I recalled, that in my early marriage I would never have done that. I WOULD NEVER HAVE LET THE WIFE OF MY YOUTH VACUUM THE POOL OR PAINT THE EXTERIOR. I would have cherished her and done it. So anyway, she loves me so unconditionally. But her love language is gifts of service. And I begrugingly do many chores. After she talked with me last weekend, a long cry session. I realized that I am not a very good person. I dont seek her out. I never say..."hey lets talk, lets go on a date, lets sit in the back yard and be with each other." I know she is typically mirroring my autistic teen ager so he doesn't break stuff in the house. But I know I have dropped the ball in my marriage. All I know how to do now is just be nice, do things without complaining. And try to love her better. But it breaks my heart that I am breaking her heart and I want to do better. But anyway, some of this comes out when other girls flirt with me. My personal marital problems all come to the surface and temptation looms. She even said. Hey we can stay married for the kids, we don't have to tell them. Just don't cheat on me, and everything will be okay. This is not the first conversation. We have an annual chat like this every year (for the past five). I started watching marital seminars, reading marriage books doing all sorts of stuff. But I have a bad memory and stuff I do is only temporary and it goes back to the old ways. She says normally I will be better for a few days then it's like we never talked. But this time was a different talk. It's like she gave up hope. I just don't know how to be better, other than just doing chores without complaining, and sitting with her and talking with her. I know she likes talking. And we have coffee time whenever we wake up in the morning. And I was tired one day and she was asking me these pivotal details of my day and what I was going to do. And I said...."I am tired, it's not a good time to ask me pivotal details about the day." And I was short with her. and that broke her. Because that was the one thing she said we had left. Coffee time. And I ruined that. So she was like realizing that our marriage was trash, and that was the last thing we had that resembled a good marriage. Again I remember the talks, and I just realized I need to be gentle and do more. I love the computer, and I Would spend hours on it, and not do other things. So I know I can't spend as much time on it. In fact I got out of several debates I was having, because I Think it was taking a told on my attitude toward others, and my wife. But any pointers may be helpful. Sorry such a huge wall of text. you can proceed with all the replies, that you DRTL (didnt' read too long), or that it was a wall of text and that you didn't read or whatever. But I had to let all this out. So thanks for listening.
Oh yeah and me and wife have not had sex for like four or five years. I told her I was starting to feel like I wanted to be romantic with her, and she laughed at me and said something like.... "well you have to treat me better/" I forgot what she said. So I just realize I can't have sex till my marriage is fixed, but my marriage is sort of messed up because I am having a hard time being physically attracted to my wife.
But she is the very sweetest thing in my whole life, she is so sweet and gentle and I would never ever think about being with another person. But anyway. I don't expect any quick fixes I know I have an issue.